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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend has betrayed my trust : (

141 replies

Thoughthewasdifferent · 26/01/2007 09:39

Boyfriend and I have an active sex life, and a few months ago we did a little "video" on his phone. Well, I say we, it was only really me in it.

He tells me he looks at it all the time, and we look at it together sometimes.

I know you're all going to say "you shouldnt have done it, what happens if you split up etc?" But honest to God, up until today I trusted him with my life. I thought we were for keeps.

Anyway..... I had to get a quote on something for him today, so he gave me his email password. I DID NOT search through his mail, but its a yahoo account which means you can look at the photos/attachments sent.

His mate sent him a photo of his girlfriend in various poses, my boyfriend replied by sending him the video.

  1. Yes I'm in the wrong for looking, I know that and the sick feeling in my stomach is my punishment

  2. Is he a complete bastard? My face isnt in the videos but the mate will know they are of me.

  3. I am a regular, all you troll hunters can ask me any question about MN and I'll have a good go of answering it.

OP posts:
ItsMeMellowma · 26/01/2007 19:04

I agree with FFF btw I didn't want to say thats though as dh googles my nick etc!!

ItsMeMellowma · 26/01/2007 19:04

Yes please do

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/01/2007 19:06

I agree with MO'H btw....

One of my brothers has done a similar Very Stupid Thing. He got into heaps of trouble for it mind you. They dont think.

LittleBoSheep · 26/01/2007 19:08

If your self esteem was that low you would not have confronted him - just put up with it.

Whether you dump him or not - well only you know (personally I dont think I would be able to trust someone if they did this and basically I expect my parter to have a higher IQ & greater empathy for my feelings)

I dont think you should let him just carry on as before though - let him sweat a bit or he will not realise how important this is to you - lets face it hes not terribly perceptive where your feeling are concerned is he?

Carmenere · 26/01/2007 19:10

I really feel for you, and if you are who I think you are you are gorgeous and he needs to be down on bended knees begging your forgiveness. Sorry if I was harsh earlier, I realise it probably hasn't helped.
Don't cry it is not the end of the world, there may be a way through this after a hell of a lot of talk.

ItsMeMellowma · 26/01/2007 19:46

I am worried, are you okay

Greensleeves/VVV have you spoke to her ??

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/01/2007 21:51

She's Okay. Gutted. But Okay. I think its possible to work through it, if its what she wants to do.

divamumdiva · 26/01/2007 22:01

how dare he? how dare he depend himself?
hard lessn, but he will never change(me thinks)

Original poster
Thoughthewasdifferent · 27/01/2007 12:30

I'm in work now, cant get emails from works PC so will reply to my lovely emails later.

He is still blaming me, haven't seen him face to face yet as I turned my phone off last night and went to bed. Via texts I have told him how dirty he has made me feel, how upset I am etc. but he is still saying I shouldn't have looked at his emails.

Am 89.9% that it is over but I think I'll know for definate when I see him.

There is an ongoing loop in my head of the video, some pervy man in Ireland wanking over it, then him lying on the bed with DD and I cuddling and laughing.

Feel like my life is an episode of Eastenders at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Thoughthewasdifferent · 27/01/2007 12:30

No, more like Sex in the City actually

OP posts:
Original poster
Thoughthewasdifferent · 27/01/2007 12:30

Or Sex, Lies and Videotape

OP posts:
suzycreamcheese · 27/01/2007 12:40

hope you are okay thoughthewas..

SherlockLGJ · 27/01/2007 12:44

Eh ..........hello and he had the nerve to take the moral highground with you a few months ago . The Fing cheek of him.

AllieBongo · 27/01/2007 12:57

what a cock, what a vile nasty little man. I'm so sorry that you are going through this x

tiredemma · 27/01/2007 12:59

thats awful, truly awful.

I would find it hard to regain the trust after that, and I know for a FACT that our sex life would never be the same again.

Hope you achieve some kind of positive outcome from this, you clearly sound as if you love him- it must be like having a rug pulled from under you.

Bloody men.

Original poster
Thoughthewasdifferent · 27/01/2007 14:20

I know LGJ, the emails were sent in October so it was around the same time I think.

He has apologised now but still says it is my fault for looking.

Say hes loves me blah blah

OP posts:
tiredemma · 27/01/2007 14:23

what is your fault? you are responsible for him sending the email????
If you never found out it would be all alright then? but because you found the email, its your fault he originally sent it?

AllieBongo · 27/01/2007 14:29

you could never trust him again, make him grovel then dump him. So sorry you feel carppy

Earlybird · 27/01/2007 14:32

Agree that you shouldn't have looked, but you did. And sadly, it is a good thing you looked because of what you found - which is that he betrayed you by doing something deeply upsetting.

From what he has said so far, he seems to think that your looking was as bad/worse than what he did. He is defending the fact that he betrayed you! Not on. Seriously not on. Being nosy is not on the same par (at all) with what he did. How can you trust him on other things in future?

AllieBongo · 27/01/2007 14:37

crappy, not carppy

Earlybird · 27/01/2007 14:42

Another thing - he sent the video to his friend. Is it possible that his friend has sent it on to other people who are now perving over your private video??

The whole thing is a huge error in judgement on his part, and it's almost impossible to believe he's now attacking you. He should be grovelling to you, on the phone to his friend asking for deletions and assurances, etc...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/01/2007 21:50

How are you feeling honey?

Have you had a chance to have a face to face talk with him yet?

Sobernow · 27/01/2007 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllieBongo · 27/01/2007 22:20

v, i have e-mailed you x

Original poster
Thoughthewasdifferent · 27/01/2007 22:31

Just a quick one as I am getting drunk.

Haven't seen him face to face yet, I'm not ready.

Have told him that I need some "space" to clear my head. Apologies for sounding like a piss poor hippy realtionship guru.

To be honest I think I will go back with him. I love him and I cant see my future without him.

Everyone makes mistakes, I can start to see his reasoning a bit more.Male bravado, one upmanship, not thinking of the consenquences.

Fundamentally he is a very good, genuine, honest man who loves me, my child and is a great father to his own DC.

I dont think I am weak, or lacking in self esteem for forgiving him but I'm sure many of you will disagree. Everyone is different, I have my reasons and I will make sure he realises just how hurt I am and how wrong he was to do it.

Thanks for your emails of support, some from unlikely sources.

OP posts: