My boyfriend has betrayed my trust : (

[Thoughthewasdifferent]

Boyfriend and I have an active sex life, and a few months ago we did a little "video" on his phone. Well, I say we, it was only really me in it.

He tells me he looks at it all the time, and we look at it together sometimes.

I know you're all going to say "you shouldnt have done it, what happens if you split up etc?" But honest to God, up until today I trusted him with my life. I thought we were for keeps.

Anyway..... I had to get a quote on something for him today, so he gave me his email password. I DID NOT search through his mail, but its a yahoo account which means you can look at the photos/attachments sent.

His mate sent him a photo of his girlfriend in various poses, my boyfriend replied by sending him the video.

1. Yes I'm in the wrong for looking, I know that and the sick feeling in my stomach is my punishment

2. Is he a complete bastard? My face isnt in the videos but the mate will know they are of me.

3. I am a regular, all you troll hunters can ask me any question about MN and I'll have a good go of answering it.

'whatever'?

Oh you poor thing. Look, HappyDaddy, the only man who has contributed to this thread afaik, agrees that this is a complete lack of consideration and not acceptable, so it isn't a 'men's thing' it's HIM.

Oh dear, what a horrible way to find out. And how dismissive to say 'whatever'.

The only slight comfort in this is thank goodness you did find out, and thank goodness you found out before he did it again or worse.

Have you got a close friend you can be with this w/e?

Oh I am so sorry he has responded like that. How dare he ?

So, is he saying that his actions are/were acceptable, provided you didn't know about it ? That what you don't know can't hurt you ? How extremely contemptuous.

What's that old saying - "attack is the best form of defence" ? ..... well, that's what he's doing here because there is NO excuse for what he deliberately decided to do.

I would ask which is the greater crime ? - you looking at his emails, after he had given you his password, or him betraying you in the most personal way. No contest, at all, in my mind, that the 2 deeds come close at all. I believe that within a relationship, whilst looking at your partner's emails might imply some distrust (or, it might have been a spur of the moment bit of nosiness, as in your case), the fact remains that there damn well shouldn't be anything at all (other than plans for a surprise present/holiday/event etc) within your partner's email account which he'd not be happy for you to see. Whether or not you actually know about it is totally besides the point.

I'm really sorry he's turned out to be quite a different person to the one you thought you knew. I don't believe you had any choice at all with regard to confronting him ..... if you hadn't, you would have been eaten up with angst wondering how he really felt about you. I'm afraid that now you know, and he's just confirmed it with that insulting reply.

I know it's easy for us to say get rid as we're not you and I know it's going to tear you apart, but you deserve to free yourself up to the possibility of meeting a truly decent bloke at some stage in the future, when you feel ready to start trusting again.

You're not wrong for looking! Trust is trust!

Yes, he's a bastard. Can you delete it from his PC and phone? Without him knowing so he can't hide it elsewhere?

Thanks. All of you.

He is still being defensive, I really am going to turn my phone off now.

He has taken his PC apart as he is getting a new one, the original videos are on his phone.

I could ask him to delete them, but how do I know he will? And what about this bloke in Ireland?

ffs

Hmm just read the thread.

Dump him.

Your face isn?t on the video so even if he were malicious enough to post it elsewhere no one would know it was you.

Ask him if he likes wanking to porn more than having real sex with you - cos that's what he'll be making do with from now on!

Don't be ashamed - you haven't done anything wrong.

get his 'phone an ddelete them , check put how to do it on manufacturers website ,
then plot a revenge

Where is his hard drive from the PC he's taken apart?

good point MT make sure it is destroyed and not sold on or disposed of in one piece

I've told him to delete them from his phone, and said I hope his mate has done the same.

Am angry now

I don't want revenge, I want my boyfriend back.

You need to dump him - even if it's only for a night. He needs to shit himself and apoligise. Text him and tell himn that's it, that you never want to see him again. Even if you aren';t sure do it - you cannot let him get away with this!

in that case hopefully you can start again an dhe can rebuild your trust in him

This is unbelievable!! How dare he make this out to be your fault. PLEASE say thyat this guy is well and truly kicked to the kerb?

Unfortunately, you might never know for sure whether these clips have been deleted, or who they have been sent to.

All the more reason for you to get this "man" out of your life, so you're not reminded of what he did each time you see him.

It must be extraordinarily hard but try to hold your head up about this. You did nothing wrong in making an "adult" film with someone you loved and trusted. 1000s of couples do similar all the time. Thankfully, as you said before, you can't be identified facially, so, if this so-called man and his pathetic, sexist, immature mates want to laugh or whatever over the clip, then let them - so what. If you get rid of him, what he says or does will no longer be your concern.

It might be hard to imagine now but I suspect that within a few days your fury at having been treated like this will start to override your feelings of sadness and disappointment at the relationship ending. You'll hopefully realise that a "man" who not only does something like this but who also refuses to accept any sense of moral responsibilty about it - and his mate(s) who are in on the situation - must be extraordinarily inadequate. I hope that very soon, despite the hurt, you'll realise you had a lucky escape.

"I don't want revenge, I want my boyfriend back. "

Hmm, I think he's gone forever sweetie, sorry.

What an arsehole i would be fuming, he has betrayed your trust in him & trust is a big part of a relationship if dp done this to me he would be gone in a flash

You poor thing. How long have you been with him. By your name I take it you have been hurt before? He really doesn't respect you hun. I think an affair would be easier to put behind me than this. I have made these sort of videos/ pictures with my dh ( I thought lots did).I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You need a man who loves , respects and protects you.

Oh sweetheart, please don't even think about wanting him back. I understand completely that you want the man you thought he was ..... but he's turned out to be someone totally different hasn't he ?

There are so many more men out there (not suggesting you rush off and get someone new immediately BTW) who also possess all the qualities you want, and more, who would NEVER betray you like this.

He's behaved appallingly, and then compounded the original crime by trying to make you out as the guilty party. If he's insistent on taking this stance, then how would your relationship ever continue, and ever thrive for that matter, with him believing that you owe him an apology. His behaviour shows that he doesn't respect you, that he doesn't consider your feelings and that he regards something which was an intimate, private moment as a joke at best, and wanking fodder at worst (sorry to be crude, but it has to be said). I really don't want to upset you any more than you already are but how on earth would you be able to make love with this guy again, knowing that (on the balance of probability) he sees nothing wrong in discussing your sex life with his mates ?

I feel so angry on your behalf - you deserve much much better than this. I'm also worried that if you do stay with him, there will be a very unequal balance of power within your relationship .... it will be as if you condone what he did, irrespective of telling him you're unhappy about it. In other words, he won't have to face any consequences resulting from being so awful, and I worry that he could easily take advantage of you again (in a similar or different way) if you back down over something so serious.

Oh dear - you're just going to forgive this lowlife aren't you...

No, mumto3girls I'm not.

I'm sorry - I shouldn't have assumed what you're going to do.
I hope you feel strong enough to tell him to get out of your life. Can you imagine this guy as a permanent fixture in your life after this?

do you have children?

He betrayed your trust completely. His reactions towards you show his contempt for you and his true colours.

You may want to work on your own self image and worth - such actions can truly damage a person's self esteem and image.

No trust = no relationship.

Message withdrawn