Dry 14

[glad2016]

This is the thread for all those who are living, or committed to living, life free from alcohol.
Go sober warriors !

Keep On Keeping On!

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Hi Everybody

welcome Bueno

I'm still here, hanging in there.

I felt some of the cloud I've been under the past three weeks or so just lift a bit today. I went to a family party last night. I was a bit worried about temptation but I didn't drink at all and I had a lovely time.

1. It was cheaper - LOADS cheaper. I drove there and back and drank a few tonic waters. Probably saved myself over 100 quid counting in taxi and the three bottles of fizzy wine + takeaway I would have had otherwise.
2. I was better company - walked around, talked to new people, asked questions, remembered what people said to me, didn't repeat myself, wasn't self obsessed / emotional / aggressive.
3. I was a good parent - aware of where the kids were, played with them and some other little ones for a bit without getting stuck as the childminder, was able to judge the moment when they were tired and we needed to call it a night.
4. Danced the night away. Sober!

Woke up this morning a bit tired, but otherwise fine, and had a lazy day with the kids. I think I am such a better parent to them when I am not pissing my life away.

Today I feel happy.

Result one, sounds like a great night. I've unfortunately failed, husband bought me two cans of pre-mixed cocktails "you can just have them, it doesn't have to be all or nothing". Alas I went for all, good news is there is not a single drop of alcohol in the house as I've drank the last of everything. Self loathing at an all time high but at least its 1st tomorrow, fresh start and all that. Cross, cross ,cross.

I hope it's okay to post again here.

A lot of the things I've been thinking about over the past three weeks and that I've been feeling sad about are to do with how my family is. I'm married and have two kids. I'm the main breadwinner and my DH is a SAHD and has been for a while, though he's going back to work soon.

My work is a bit stressful, but not life-and-death (I'm not a doctor or in the police or anything) and the money I earn is above average - we're comfortable but not rich. The hours can be long and unpredictable and involve some travel and weekend work, but they are also very very flexible so I can be around for sports days, etc, and can work from home as often as I want to most of the time.

DH does EVERYTHING in the house. EVERYTHING. All the cooking, laundry, shopping, cleaning, tidying, kids' appointments and most of the school runs. He does the bins, takes care of the cats and, even when I am home, most of the time he does the bath, teeth, bed, story routine for our kids. He drives most of the time, including taking me places, helps me with my book-keeping and accounts, deals with all the car stuff etc.

I iron school uniforms, clean the bathroom (less often than it needs) and handle the finances.

I think even though he is a SAHD this division of labour isn't fair: even at the weekend or on my days off or when I am working from home, he does the lions' share of everything. I think we've got into this pattern because in the evenings I've been pissed, and int he mornings I've been hungover, and he's just had to keep things running. I had enough energy for work, but not for the practical elements of being a fellow adult in this house.

I want to change that. I've been seeing it very clearly the past few weeks and feeling ashamed. Being sober has helped me to see how lazy and selfish I have been and how I have totally clocked out of normal family life. It isn't just a case of pushing a hoover around (though I don't do that either) but just being 'involved'.

I don't know what size shoes my children are. We don't really eat together sitting at the dining table for any of our meals. I haven't washed up in months.

Obviously, this badly needs to change and it needs to change fast. I am motivated to do this and it is important and essential that it happens. I just feel totally overwhelmed at the prospect. But it is time.

Has anyone gone through anything similar? A need to work hard to rejoin normal family life after a period of being a checked out useless piss-head?

Crossed with you BuonoEstente

How are you doing? Does your DH know you are trying for total abstinence? Do you think he might be trying to sabotage your efforts so he still has his drinking buddy, or does he just not understand yet?

Don't be too down on yourself. Your not drinking can start right now.

He doesn't drink, except for a once in a blue moon night out. I think I do such a good job of acting like its a choice not a necessity that it's passed him by. He has self control and I don't.

I think I need to have a proper talk with him when I'm sober

Are you able to tell him how things are for you? What made you decide that abstinence was what needed to happen for you? Maybe if you could write down your reasons here, it would make it easier for you to tell him?

Mine were

1. I was pissed every night and was worried about my health.
2. I was starting to crave booze earlier and earlier in the day.
3. I was a crap parent and wife (see my long previous post).
4. It was costing us a fortune.
5. I behaved like a complete moron when drunk and it was affecting my friendships and work relationships and I was sick of feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
6. I'd been trying to moderate for years and was totally exhausted with failing to stick to my limits: stopping entirely seemed like the easier option.

Thanks one. Its nice to see I'm not the only one. My reasons are similar to yours. I'll think about it and try to jot some stuff down tomorrow. I hide my problem with booze fairly well and everyone assumes I have some sort of control - I don't. Once I start I can't stop until bedtime.

Having put off "the conversation" with my lovely DH for a very long time, when it finally happened it was great and he was very supportive.
Try it - it may just need spelling out because you have been so very effective at covering up (iykwim!)

Buono I was just the same - one glass and then it would be the bottle, then anything else that was left in the house - including nasty mulled wine left over from Christmas (drank cold, from the bottle into a mug so the kids didn't see what I was drinking) or even crappy cooking sherry or whiskey by the mug full. I didn't dare have a sociable glass of wine at some work events because I knew if I had one, I would have six. Is that what it is like for you? It was like that for me, and just concentrating on not having the first one has really helped. I think you have to try and make your DH understand that, which is hard if he isn't a boozer himself.

DH had a clearer idea of how much I was drinking than I thought he did, but I don't think he understood how out of control I felt, and how I lost control the second I'd put the first glass down my neck, until I'd stopped for a month or so and he saw the change in me and saw how much better I felt. He's been telling me today how proud of me he is and it makes me feel about eight feet tall.

You can totally do this. If a lazy selfish arse like I am can start to get a handle on it, then anyone can.

Thank you glad. I'm off to bed now but I'm determined to try again from NOW!!

Sleep well. Have a pint of water before you sleep. :) x

Thanks one. Standard two ibuprofen and pint of water has been had. I have a better plan for tomorrow and a real determination to stop making myself feel like this. Good night everyone, sleep well.

Going off line for a bit now. Have fun all :)

Good luck Bueno the 1st is a good day to start on.

Thanks likeahurricane it's making me a bit worried about the future - I'd hoped things would get easier - not harder.. It was a strong reminder that I am on the right path today when I realised a work colleague is a friend of a friend who may well remember me from one of my bad drinking phases - although the events were 12 years ago now some shameful events happened and I am worried they will now be gossiped about. I wish my past could stay in the past... but it's not always possible.

glad your right life is so much better now. I cant believe how much my life has changed for the better in a relatively short amount of time. I was such a closed person before.. But feel such a deeper sense of being and clarity of mind now. I'd hate to give that up for the sake of a drink.

Morning all!

I'm in my phone so short post but just wanted to say what a wonderful couple if posts from one. Really struck a chord with me about the reasons to give up drinking. I feel so much more engaged in family life and much more in control of social situations. Once I get past the hurdle of the first drink - 'oh I'm very thirsty could I have a water to start off with?' is what I often use- then I'm fine.

Mind you we are on holiday with friends and yesterday I merrily got four wine glasses out if the cupboard at six o'clock. DH was very confused for a minute and asked me if I was drinking. I put one glass back and got an AF beer out instead. So I clearly need to concentrate more!

Right I've got to go, have a good day everyone whatever you are up to.

Hi everyone, found you. Off to re-read thread. :)

Hi everyone,

one don't be so hard on yourself, by working you are doing something very important for your family. It sounds like a change will occur anyway if your dh is going to be working again soon. Plus as you said weekends have so much more time when they are not spent drunk/hungover.

bueno have a good think about your triggers for drinking- for me that has been very helpful.

Everyone else have a good week.

Hi everyone! Am travelling back from my sober holiday! Thought is really struggle, but it was easy and lovely. I had a much better time with my kids than previously, and generally had a much more relaxed and chilled out time.

This week, being sober has been amazing and brilliant. It definitely makes me a better parent, and I like myself much more sober.

Forgot to say, day 78 for me...

Name changed from the start of the thread.

Big fat fail. Managed to drink four bottles of wine over the last three nights. I'm an idiot. Starting another week and month with the familiar grim feelings of shame, worry and guilt.

I don't know what sparked it except that I pressed the 'fuck it' button. Really worried now about the upcoming weekend, I have a big event and lots of friends will be there and drinking.

Feeling very low today. Why can't I just be normal thoughts going through my head. Would like to get to AA, I'm feeling the need for some RL support but none close to me at times I can go as the dc off school.

Sorry. I wasn't going to bother coming back here as I feel stupid for relapsing yet again but making myself accountable.