I feel so let down by OH and don't know if I can take any more

[DontForgetTheNameChange]

I've name changed for this thread. Looking for constructive input and advice please!

I love my OH dearly. Together 9 years, have a 1 yo DC and DC2 on the way soon. OH was in a well paid role in the military when we left, but took redundancy 5 years ago and got a £80k settlement and retraining. Retrained as an electrician, we both agreed we were happy to have reduced salary as we don't live a flashy lifestyle.

Then OH fell in love with a very dilapidated house. Completely uninhabitable. I was nervous from the start, and got more nervous as things progressed. Begged him not to buy it (it is only in his name, I don't own property) but he promised it would be ok; he would make it all ok and treat it as a full time job, using redundancy money to make it amazing. Bought the house almost 5 yrs ago. I say we should focus on the main house; fix the roof, windows, get heating installed, etc. He says lets focus on converting the small barn it came with, I say this is a red herring, but he goes ahead and starts on the barn anyway.

Fast forward 5 yrs and here we are with 1 yo DC & baby bump, house still almost as bad as when we got it (seriously bad!), barn is not converted, redundancy money all long gone. Before I got pregnant he promised the house would be much improved by time baby arrived....it wasn't. He has promised again that house will be much better in time for DC2, now due in 3 months, and it is still no further forward. The redundancy money is all long gone and he couldn't tell me where half of it has gone. He promised he would really focus on his business as a self-employed electrician so that I could be a SAHM, but I have discovered this evening in the course if making a tax credits application that his business admin & finances are a complete fucking mess. He's no idea how much he has even earned. We have seperate finances and I've asked him hundreds of times over the course of years what the financial situation is. I've told him that I can help with business admin & book keeping if he shows me what I need to get started, but he avoids it. With the renivation I asked him again and again to showme a plan, a schedule, a budget...anything! And it never materialised because he never did it.

I was working full time until a yr ago, earning a fair salary; not enough that he doesn't need to work, but I kept the wolf from the door for 4 yrs whilst he was pissing about, not renivating the barn, not renovating the house, not properly running a business. I feel like a fucking mug, and so stupid for giving up my job when it was the last bit if security we had left. I've tried being understanding, sensitive and helpful, thinking that he's just been lost since he left the military. And I've trued being tough, telling him he needs to get hus act tigether and orovide for his family. I've even told him I've been close to leaving because I can't live like this. Nothing seems to make any difference! So what the hell do I do? I feel so let down by him. And now I don't trust anything he says because he hasn't come good on a single promise in 5 years.

Sorry for the stupidly long OP.

I cannot afford life insurance. I have no income, no savings. Nothing. Yes I should have had some a long time ago, but I didn't and I can't change that now.

The barn cannot legally be sold separately to the house, it was a condition of planning permission. Either they're both sold, or nothing at all.

You could structure a JV that meant the barn was converted and there was a profit split from the rentals (if there is a viable business plan showing how the rentals would generate income) or you could opt for a JV that meant the house and barn were both completed and sold.
I understand neither is your or your DH's dream scenario but if the priority is turning this around from a financial liability to an asset then I wouldn't be hesitating to do either and tbh my preference would be to sell them both. Your DH's emotional entanglement in this project is such that he has used all his money; let you give up your job and left you all without a proper home. Looking at that track record, I would want to bring his relationship with this property to an end as quickly as possible. There's no point perpetuating a sunk costs fallacy.
We have a family property business so we are all very conscious of when our emotional commitment to a project may be outweighing the financial and practical considerations. At that point, someone has to step up and put all the figures down in black and white.

The only option would be to sell both. I don't see that there's enough potential for someone to be interested in splitting the barn income. It won't be enough, and it won't come quick enough is my gut feeling, and I'm pretty tuned into the tourism market here. It would be a nice seasonal business for a family, and will add substantially to the value if the house, but it's no more than that.

It may be worth working up some figures on the basis of both properties being finished and sold, then work back from there to see what you could offer a JV partner. Remember you also have the plot of land.
Depending on when you received planning for the barn, it might also be worthwhile to see if the planning situation has changed locally. There could have been rezoning or new priorities identified.
Also have a look into local grants for refurbishing rural properties.

Thanks Couch that's a very good idea. The pp/change of use was granted about 4 yrs ago, so it could be a different scenario now. I think it's a slim chance but permission to build on the land would really change the picture.

Some great ideas here, OP, and I wish you the best of luck.

Only thing I have to add is to make sure that any time & skills that you put in are properly remunerated. Don't give them for free - they are a business expense and should be paid for.

One thought I have had is that you need to get the house (plus barn etc) valued. I know you say no one but you would take it on but we are a nation obsessed with "Grand designs" "property ladder" etc - there is always a chance that you will be amazed at its worth.

You then need to sit down very seriously with the amount you can sell it for, the cost (and time - remember every minute he spends on renovation is a minute not spent doing his electrician work) of renovations and the amount you could sell the whole caboodle for once completed and finally how much you can earn for the barn and if - once complete - it would be a suitable, affordable house for you.

You then need to make a very hard hearted choice about whether to sell now, sell later or keep depending on what is best for your family.

And your Dh needs to agree to this. You don't get to have "dreams" when you are having to go cap in hand to your in laws in order to feed your children.

Thanks First. Yes, I think you're right, even if the business cannot pay me straight away I think it does need to pay me eventually. That feels a very long way off right now! But there are lots of things I can do for him. Aside from sorting the admin & finances I think I need to start with a new wordpress website for him.

I'm sitting down to talk with OH as soon as I can get this grumpy toddler to sleep. You've all given me so much to think about. I am feeling much better than I was last night. I actually feel like we can do this as long as we're honest and we work together.

Thank you Mumoftwo yes I think a revaluation would be a good idea. If nothing else, the planning permission and change of use on the barn will have improved the value of the house.

It does make me sad that my parents have had to fork out recently. It shouldn't be like that. They are so lovely and always have something good to say about him, though I know behind closed doors they must be worried and disappointed. I would be if it was my child.

I feel sick when I think of £80k going up in smoke. I feel guilty about all the people we know who give their right arm for that money, and wouldn't screw it up.

Don't. It's gone. Draw a line under it , accept it and start again.

zoobeedoo is right. If the £80k is gone then there's no point feeling sick about it. Some people aren't good with money and some people who have never had larger sums of money self-sabotage when given money. It's why some lottery winners end up poor.

I realise I've fallen into giving you possible advice about the property but I just want to add, I think you should still move in with your DPs. You can try to put the property/business on a more even footing from your DMs. In fact some distance from the everyday building site of your home will probably help to give you perspective, and hopefully it will help your DP to gain some insight too.
Be careful about becoming your DP's rescuer/saviour. It's a hard role to adopt and there's no requisite for you to do so.

You must sort wills immediately. And are you a beneficiary of his pension, or would it go straight to DC? You do realise that with no will, if he falls under a bus tomorrow you might get nada? The intestacy provisions are not kind to unmarried partners.

Sit him down and (I believe the term is) rip him a new arse hole.

Then make a plan, get him a job with a firm, sub contracting if need be, take control of finances and accounts. Treat him like he's back in the army, he's the Private and you're the Sgt Major, kick his butt into shape.

But is it worth it?

You seem to be very very kind. Too kind tbh. Your kindness and forbearance towards him has blinded you towards your kindness towards yourself.

And I would question if it is kind to yourself, to take on a vast endless project that was never your choice to begin with. It is HIS dream.

What's yours?

I must say Elspeth made a very good point. Before you embark on a long journey, spending the next twenty years to make his dream come true, I would think carefully if thats the life you really want. Zoobeedoo gave a very valuable and sensible advice but you should only do it if it is worth it for you.

I know many couples where the DHs are hopeless dreamers and the wives do whatever they can to make it work because in their mind a separation is not an option. Next thing they know they have spent all their life to 'save' their DHs.

Actually happened to distant relatives of mine. The husband squandered inheritance in numerous failed business ventures. The wife stepped up and made it work, she is a very smart and sensible lady. She is now in her 60s with health issues and admitted that thirty years of all that has finally taken its toll.

Having said that, there are women who do not mind the dynamics where they are in charge and genuinely enjoy the challenges that come with it but from her post I don't feel that OP is that sort of woman.