I feel so let down by OH and don't know if I can take any more

[DontForgetTheNameChange]

I've name changed for this thread. Looking for constructive input and advice please!

I love my OH dearly. Together 9 years, have a 1 yo DC and DC2 on the way soon. OH was in a well paid role in the military when we left, but took redundancy 5 years ago and got a £80k settlement and retraining. Retrained as an electrician, we both agreed we were happy to have reduced salary as we don't live a flashy lifestyle.

Then OH fell in love with a very dilapidated house. Completely uninhabitable. I was nervous from the start, and got more nervous as things progressed. Begged him not to buy it (it is only in his name, I don't own property) but he promised it would be ok; he would make it all ok and treat it as a full time job, using redundancy money to make it amazing. Bought the house almost 5 yrs ago. I say we should focus on the main house; fix the roof, windows, get heating installed, etc. He says lets focus on converting the small barn it came with, I say this is a red herring, but he goes ahead and starts on the barn anyway.

Fast forward 5 yrs and here we are with 1 yo DC & baby bump, house still almost as bad as when we got it (seriously bad!), barn is not converted, redundancy money all long gone. Before I got pregnant he promised the house would be much improved by time baby arrived....it wasn't. He has promised again that house will be much better in time for DC2, now due in 3 months, and it is still no further forward. The redundancy money is all long gone and he couldn't tell me where half of it has gone. He promised he would really focus on his business as a self-employed electrician so that I could be a SAHM, but I have discovered this evening in the course if making a tax credits application that his business admin & finances are a complete fucking mess. He's no idea how much he has even earned. We have seperate finances and I've asked him hundreds of times over the course of years what the financial situation is. I've told him that I can help with business admin & book keeping if he shows me what I need to get started, but he avoids it. With the renivation I asked him again and again to showme a plan, a schedule, a budget...anything! And it never materialised because he never did it.

I was working full time until a yr ago, earning a fair salary; not enough that he doesn't need to work, but I kept the wolf from the door for 4 yrs whilst he was pissing about, not renivating the barn, not renovating the house, not properly running a business. I feel like a fucking mug, and so stupid for giving up my job when it was the last bit if security we had left. I've tried being understanding, sensitive and helpful, thinking that he's just been lost since he left the military. And I've trued being tough, telling him he needs to get hus act tigether and orovide for his family. I've even told him I've been close to leaving because I can't live like this. Nothing seems to make any difference! So what the hell do I do? I feel so let down by him. And now I don't trust anything he says because he hasn't come good on a single promise in 5 years.

Sorry for the stupidly long OP.

Elspeth does have point. You can fix this if you take over but the question is do you really want to go in this direction. Would you rather say, "well we've tried this dream house lark. We're in over our heads. It's time to be practical and sell it"?

What do you actually want to do. After all it was his dream - not yours. It can be salvaged by you, but it will be a money pit and gilded cage for many years to come. Is it time to start again?

Maybe. I don't know. I feel like it will all have been for nothing if we walk away now, and I don't know if our relationship could survive that.

But the responsibility for your relationship isn't all on your shoulders. Can your relationship survive you feeling more and more like his mother?
Your eyes have been well and truly opened now and your frustration can only increase unless he truly puts in a lot of effort to meet you half way.

Love is not enough when you have kids. It's just not.

And google sunk costs fallacy. Only thing more stupid than spending 5 years and £80k chasing a dream is spending 5 years and a day doing it.

dowhat no it can't survive long term that way. But I feel like this an emergency, and emergency measures need to be taken. If that solves some immediate issues then the relationship dynamics can be worked on over time. Or at least that's what I am hoping. He does need to meet me at least half way though. I can't take on all the responsibility and have him carry on as he is now. We need to sit down and put tigether a plan of action, and I do need to see some results and committment from him.

Penguin I know love isn't enough. If I thought that then I wouldn't be in the slightest bit freaked out right now, because is about the only thing we're not short of. But love also isn't very easy to find, and I won't find anyone I love as much as him. Nobody will love our DCs like him. As yes he needs to prove that love by getting his arse in gear.

Good luck.

If he meets you half way and you both get your heads out of the sand and work together to sort this as a priority, then there is a chance of rescuing both the house and relationship. I hope it works out for you and he steps up to the plate.

Get that house in both your names as tenants in common though. You don't need to marry until this mess is sorted.

Thank you dowhat. We are going to sit down and plan together once DC is in bed this evening.
I think I am going to list things that need to be done in the house by 4-6 weeks before my due date. If those things aren't done I'm going to plan to give birth close to my parents home, rather than here. I really don't want to leave that decision until a week before I'm due.

sounds like a good plan to me Op. I hope your DH sorts himself out for all of your sakes.

But don't just let him think that he can do that in the next few weeks then everything can go back to normal again. He's got to realise this is only the beginning...

Fingers crossed for you.

this is going to sound harsh OP but tbh money is often the most important thing and even more so when there are children to consider.

re book keeping course - do you mean for future employment? if you mean for your partner's business, don't spend money on a course. Money in, money out, invoices, accruals, not hard to sort. But he should be getting this sorted. Don't spend money learning a skill that he will throw away.

I don't know what you did before but can you return to work?

if you do want to marry him in future, I'd say just get married, don't pay for a big wedding you can't afford. If any family comment, tell them they pay for it or it's none of their business.

If this was me, this would be my plan:

• Stay with him. You love him.
• Strongly consider a break at your parents. Your stress levels need it. It will also give him the message you are serious.
• Do not under any circumstance get married until ALL finances sorted. If HMRC ever moved to bankruptcy, you would lose everything not just him. You don't know yet where things stand with he business.
• Make this dafty realise that it is not working with him being responsible for everything to do with the business. You are a team. You can play an equally important role. You need full clarity.
• Restart the business as a limited company with two directors. You and partner. Or one director, you. Turn this into a proper family business, not a self-employed sole trader one. He is responsible for all electrical work, finding new business, dealing with clients etc.
• You take on responsibility for finances, business bank account, book keeping, accounting, HMRC, payroll, paying him a weekly salary, business insurance.
• this is all easier than it sounds, I am director of our business while I work full time and am five months pregnant. Honestly, I couldn't take the stress of not knowing the ins and outs of the financials. This way, I am jointly in control. I also invested heavily financially, but that's a seperate matter.

My partner is also ex military and yes they are stubborn bastards. But they cannot argue with a reasoned, step by step plan that makes clear sense. I love that we own a business together, yes there are occasional arguments about it and there is a different dynamic being business partners as well as life partners, but this would give you what you need.

Honestly, if this was me, I would be taking your child & going to your parents. He needs a serious kick up the arse, and the very real possibility of losing his family might be the only thing that does it.

I would then, once the business is established and making profit, look at renovating the house. A good accountant would be able to tell you how to use your limited company to help with the renovations which would maximise the money you were making together.

Thank you so much for all your honesty and your advice. I really am grateful.

Lorelei I was a marketing exec before becoming a sahm, so I do have lots of skills that can be useful to him (and running the barn if we ever get there) but he needs to be open with me about the current situation and let me be involved. I'm going to have this battle with him tonight. I mentioned the book keeping course just with his business in mind, and the barn in the future. Thanks for your advice on this; I think you're right, I just need the basics really. I've run marketing budgets do I should be able to cope with running his books. There are some particulars relating to the construction industry that I need to pick up, but I'm sure I can.

zoobeedoo thanks so much for that. You talk a lot of sense! Yes my OH is a stubborn bastard, even when he admits he should have listened to me he still never seems to learn for thd next time. I'm tempted to share your post with him. The accountant I'm meeting with next week is very canny,.very experienced with small businesses, and I know will be forthcoming with searching questions and advice about tax efficiencies, etc. I have a week to write down everything I need to pick her brain about, and then I think I'll retain her for a while at least whilst we get everything sorted.

Madison he really does need a kick up the arse. If you could all come round and form an orderly queue I would be very appreciative!

I think if you end up micromanaging him then you are not addressing the issue at all, that is just a sticking plaster.

He has to take responsibility and he has to want to change. And I agree there is no incentive whatsoever for him to change if you keep bailing him out. I would google the sunk costs fallacy. And you know what, in 10 years if you stay, still unmarried - you could pour your life and soul into his business his home the barn etc. And if you split you will end up leaving with not a dime. But if you marry then you are attaching yourself to his debts and complete and utter financial incompetency.

I would be tempted to say cut your losses and run for the hills now. And having done it myself - to be unmarried, living in his home and with no career to call your own. Biggest mistake. I would advise resuming your career ASAP after the birth of DC2. Yep being SAHM is lovely but you are not protecting yourself and your future in any way if you do this. You really need to be utterly businesslike about your own security here. That is paramount.

Feel free to share, or PM me, whatever you like. We went from him being bankrupted due to a previous business error, two messy divorces, abusive exes, a whole unbelievable host of shit in our first two years together - to now being in our second year of trade as a ltd co and about to pull a big turnover. It's not about micro managing it's about division of labour. My partner works every hour going to bring in work, manage work and subcontractors and be hands on. Linkd In is brilliant for any construction industry related contacts and a huge amount of our work has come in this way. That's his area though. If I asked him to do all the financials as well, he would not physically be able to manage it. Also, as director, it means you are far more secure than the wife of a sole trader. If he buggers off (he won't, just theoretically) you are a joint owner and are legally far more protected than as a spouse.

Brilliant post from zoobee. Great to see mumsnet at its best.

Aw thanks

You sound very clear-headed about the house project but less so when it comes to your DH. That's understandable but there does have to come a time when you apply your clear-headedness to him too. I agree with the PPs saying you should move to your DM's. There's no reason to wait until after the meeting with the accountant.
Regarding the properties and the building. Your DH has to stop emotionally projecting on to these projects and view them dispassionately. Even property professionals can buy a money pit - it's how you manage it and get out of it that makes the difference. The longer this non-renovation continues, the more likely he is causing the asset to depreciate by not maintaining it.
From a business/property pov, you could consider a joint venture with a property professional/builder. You provide the property - they provide the labour or the finances and you agree a % split of the profits when you sell or a % split of the profits from the holiday rental (if you develop the holiday rental first). I'd be tempted to develop some or all of the property with a joint venture partner and then sell it. It will bring in some funds and lessen your liabilities.
You need to stay firm now unless you want this to be your and your DC's lives. Don't sacrifice yourself and your DCs for your DH's misguided dream. You've spent long enough trying to do that.

Thank you so much zoobeedoo I'm really grateful, and I feel very heartened and inspired reading your posts. What you and your partner have achieved together is amazing. I think you're absolutely right about the division of labour; we both have skills that can be useful and I think we need to recognise where our skills and weaknesses are.

He is drowning right now, he's hidden things from me because he thinks that's him protecting me, not because he's a bad bloke. If I have to micromanage things for a short period to get things sorted, and help him mentally/emotionally then I don't see what's wrong with that either. It's a big problem if it goes on forever, so we have to ensure that doesn't happen long term. I think he's probably quite depressed; he's certainly not thinking clearly. The capable, confident military officer I knew is a bit lost, but he must still be in there somewhere.

I know you love him, but I really suggest that youdo not put all that emotional energy and effort into a business without making sure you have a claim if things go wrong.

I would also check out wills, insurances, pensions etc.

Good luck! You may have to always carry him, but if you are happy with that then go for it!

Thanks Lisa. There are no wills or insurance (another thing I am nervous of and keep nagging about. More for our DCs than anything). He has his military pension, but that's it. You are right that I need more security very quickly. I don't think we should get married right now though.

I think the first thing is - don't get your name put on any accounts he has that are in debt. Keep a separate bank account, separate savings, etc. Don't take a loan to help him out or put stuff on credit in your name. At the moment he looks like he not going to manage his money. At the moment it looks like if you pay one overdraft/card/loan off he will just run up another. This isn't necessarily permanent.

I wouldn't rush to marry, but if there is love and goodwill then it isn't beyond salvaging.

I think (could be very off the mark here) that your OH is used to being in a structure. The Army is a structure and within that he can make all the decisions easily, because he understands the structure and has its support.

Is he willing for you to be more active in creating a structure? What does he see as the problem? If you just tell him, he could resent things. If you can work stuff out with clear roles for each of you with trust and love then it's possible.

Whatever happens, I suggest you really watch the bottom line. You can buy some houses and flats outright for 80k in my area. It's a lot of money to lose.

I agree with those saying move into your parents :(

Why are you leaving Life insurance to him? go online and buy some for both of you?

It was mentioned up thread but I would consider speaking to a developer about the property, could you get an investment from someone, finish the barn and house. Sell the barn to pay off contractor?

Stop relying on your DH to do anything regards fixing this, he wont come up with solutions,