I feel so let down by OH and don't know if I can take any more

[DontForgetTheNameChange]

I've name changed for this thread. Looking for constructive input and advice please!

I love my OH dearly. Together 9 years, have a 1 yo DC and DC2 on the way soon. OH was in a well paid role in the military when we left, but took redundancy 5 years ago and got a £80k settlement and retraining. Retrained as an electrician, we both agreed we were happy to have reduced salary as we don't live a flashy lifestyle.

Then OH fell in love with a very dilapidated house. Completely uninhabitable. I was nervous from the start, and got more nervous as things progressed. Begged him not to buy it (it is only in his name, I don't own property) but he promised it would be ok; he would make it all ok and treat it as a full time job, using redundancy money to make it amazing. Bought the house almost 5 yrs ago. I say we should focus on the main house; fix the roof, windows, get heating installed, etc. He says lets focus on converting the small barn it came with, I say this is a red herring, but he goes ahead and starts on the barn anyway.

Fast forward 5 yrs and here we are with 1 yo DC & baby bump, house still almost as bad as when we got it (seriously bad!), barn is not converted, redundancy money all long gone. Before I got pregnant he promised the house would be much improved by time baby arrived....it wasn't. He has promised again that house will be much better in time for DC2, now due in 3 months, and it is still no further forward. The redundancy money is all long gone and he couldn't tell me where half of it has gone. He promised he would really focus on his business as a self-employed electrician so that I could be a SAHM, but I have discovered this evening in the course if making a tax credits application that his business admin & finances are a complete fucking mess. He's no idea how much he has even earned. We have seperate finances and I've asked him hundreds of times over the course of years what the financial situation is. I've told him that I can help with business admin & book keeping if he shows me what I need to get started, but he avoids it. With the renivation I asked him again and again to showme a plan, a schedule, a budget...anything! And it never materialised because he never did it.

I was working full time until a yr ago, earning a fair salary; not enough that he doesn't need to work, but I kept the wolf from the door for 4 yrs whilst he was pissing about, not renivating the barn, not renovating the house, not properly running a business. I feel like a fucking mug, and so stupid for giving up my job when it was the last bit if security we had left. I've tried being understanding, sensitive and helpful, thinking that he's just been lost since he left the military. And I've trued being tough, telling him he needs to get hus act tigether and orovide for his family. I've even told him I've been close to leaving because I can't live like this. Nothing seems to make any difference! So what the hell do I do? I feel so let down by him. And now I don't trust anything he says because he hasn't come good on a single promise in 5 years.

Sorry for the stupidly long OP.

Looking at it from a different angle and for the future:
IF at all possible, don't sell off any assets - ie. the barn or the land.
I live very rurally as well, and you can make a killing and i mean a killing on renting a holiday barn or doing Bed & Breakfast. I know this first hand.
Now I know you have got a long way to go to get to that point, but if you could keep the wolf from the door with his parents help, it would really benefit you both in the future. AND on that note, if things are positive as above, you really do need to be married to him, otherwise all your hard work will mean nothing as you are not on the deeds if you split up :0(.
Why aren't you on them anyway?

(Before any vipers kick off about him and his probable debt - (I haven't read the entire thread) I am well aware of the consequences of debt IF they were married at this time).

Penguin he does feel like shit. It's quite obvious to me, having known him for 9 years, that he feels like shit. And I know that he needs my help, even if he's not asking for it right now. Nobody else is going to help him. He's the father of my DCs and, even with all of his flaws, he is the man that I love. I don't care if that sounds ridiculous to anyone here. He's not an abuser, just massively incompetent and very lost.

Pinkiponk thank you. I was actually thinking more about the counselling and general advice from SSAFA rather than any funding. I don't think we'd be eligible given his redundancy package, and I don't actually think it would be morally right to take any money anyway. Though we do know someone who had very expensive repairs made to their home via SSAFA, not relating to injury/disability/access.
He did make use of resettlement training, and yes it was excellent (IMO as a bystander). I don't know if he has training credits left, but if he does I'm going to suggest he use them for a book keeping course. I don't know if that's possible.

KeepCool at the time when he bought this house, I wasn't earning very much and my credit rating wasn't very good. A relative stole some money from me many years ago and it resulted in me getting in hot water with the bank. I had paid the debt off a long time ago, and I've since repaired my credit rating, but it wouldn't have been helpful at that time to make a joint mortgage application.

I do agree with you about the barn. It is a huge mess now (as in, it's half built, not in need of a good clear out) but it is the only asset we have that can provide income in the long run. I see this as critical to our DCs future, and I don't want to let go of it. I feel very torn about the issue of marriage.

I feel for you OP, I cannot imagine how stressed and trapped you must be feeling. The fact is, your DP isn't good with finances. He is a dreamer. I think you should give him the ultimatum, the house goes to auction or you go. If it goes to auction any funds, however small should be used for a deposit on a comfortable, clean, rental and the rest saved and not touched until you are back on your feet. He needs to share his self employment finance information with you so they can be managed correctly and built upon. Only then will you start again with him.

If not, and nothing changes, you have more to lose with him than alone. Do you want to spend your whole life this way?

You seem to feel it's your responsibility to help rescue him. The bad situation is entirely of his making and it's his responsibility to resolve. He's not exactly listening to you, or acting in YOUR or DCs' best interests, is he?

A better approach would be to separate financially, move out abd look out for yourself and the DC while you wait and see what he does and how he treats you then. Is his treating you well dependent on you doing as he wishes as regards the property, living situation and your/his work, and your unconditional "support" (which won't actually much help resolve things)?

I should have said: ................. along with help from his parents ..... HE needs to be proactive in getting work. A website is a very good start. Flashy isn't necessary but straight to the point is iyswim.

Don't whatever you do marry him and be liable for his debts/tax bills!

I don't want to live like this catnip. I can't believe our lives have become this, and it used to be so different. I don't want our DCs to live in this chaos, and see their parents so unhappy and stressed.

I think the advice to get married is awful! Separate financially, move out and see where you are in a few months time.

I don't think it's my responsibility to rescue him, and I absolutely know that I cannot fix all of this if he doesn't want to change. But I do think I have made a commitment to him; we aren't married, but we have children and I think you have to stick at things for better or worse. I could temporarily decamp until baby is born, but I could not leave him for good and just abandon him to this chaos. Maybe that makes me an idiot, and I curse that on a daily basis, but that's the way it is.

I have lived in a renovation project while the dc were little and my relationship didn't survive I'm sad to say. It took years and years longer than planned and was not worth the stress, upheaval and heartache.

Well I don't think your partner is that financially unsavy, otherwise he wouldn't have bought somewhere that has excellent potential in providing an excellent future income.

Keep looking long-term IF you can - I really hope it is possible for you.

Who wants to rent and pay a landlord lots of money, when you could be raking it in yourselves!!
You need to get out of this soup fast, so sit down together and plan plan and plan.

Justlikefire - it depends how determined you are. I did it and I know at least four/five other couples that had nothing that also did it and it has really paid off for everyone
in the long-run. Equally, yes, I know people that just wouldn't consider roughing it for the greater gain.

Oh we are roughing it alright! Although I begged my OH not to buy this house, I wasn't scared of a renovation project. I helped my OH finish his last one, and lived in several as a kid. I do think this place has huge potential, but I am struggling to see a way through right now. It's very painful, and I can easily see how projects like this kill off even strong relationships. I'm sorry that happened to you Justlikefire; I hope things are better for you now.

You love him and are determined to stick by him and that's admirable. But I'm he needs to give a lot more back.
I'd get him to transfer all bills into his name. Move temporarily to your parents, til the new baby is maybe 6m. And give him some clear requirements for moving back. Perhaps you could sort the books for him. Get every bit of paper and figure out what's going on. Take a book keeping course yourself - there'll be lads of info online even if it's not a recognised course. Tell him clearly that you'll move back once the smaller barn is fully sorted.
If you allow it, this situation will just continue. He lacks the ability to sort it and so you either cut your losses or help.
Do not marry him til this mess is sorted. The chance of there being decent equity in the house is negligible and I suspect he's about to be in some seriously hot water with HMRC. You need to be separate from that.
In the meantime I'd look to your own future in case he can't pull this round. What career do you want? Can you do anything to train/learn new skills? And yes, that's a massive ask on mat leave. Book keeping could bring in money as well as helping your OH.
Good luck OP.

But OP has roughed it for a good while - how many years? - and her DP has clearly bitten off way more than he can chew.

Is the place safe for DC1 if, for example, you are in hospital or laid up when DC2 arrives?

Wait, the house is HIS but the bills are all in YOUR name?!

Thank you HP that's a really helplful and level-headed reply. I think you're right about helping or calling it a day, and I can't do the latter. Maybe you are right about me doing the book keeping course; it would help me to feel a bit more in control.
I was a marketing exec for SMEs before becoming a sahm. I think I need to apply some of this to my OHs business and get it running better, but only if he'll give me the full financial picture otherwise it's a waste of my time that I would rather give to our DCs.
Otbers have asked whether I can go back to my old employer and sadly that's not an option. They've made my post redundant since I left and they're having a major leadership & funding crisis. I doubt the place will be around by the time our DC2 arrives.
The barn would be an excellent seasonal business, though we would probably need £20k or so to get it up and running.

It's all very well "roughing it" for a few years but it's a good thing to recognise when you're flogging a dead horse! The OP didn't even want to take on this particular project, yet he did, he's now spent £80,000 and after five years it is nowhere near finished. Under these circumstances it would be lunacy to just let him carry on. He NEEDS to sort out his finances and get the hose ready for his family!

OP I knew someone who's H did this. Their "project" is still unfinished -16 years later. All 3 children suffered "issues" when they were teenagers. It couldn't possibly be due to the fact their "home" was dark, damp, dingy and downright dangerous for most of their lives. they all left home as soon as they could. Nip this in the bud now OP, you don't want to be in the same position in 10 years time!

Dozer most if it is safe for DC1. They don't go into the unsafe bits. But it is very far from ideal, and there's no room ready for DC2. I think I need to prepare for the outcome that DC2 will be born in a different county so tgat we can be with my parents. I just hope my OH can be there for the birth.

Yes Bandito almost all the bills are in my name. The house is in his. I was covering all the bills whilst working, and until my mat pay ended a few months ago. Now my OH has to transfer funds to my acc to cover the bills. I've had to ask my parents to help with money a couple of times. I think I'm going to insist we move the bills over to his account. At the very least it will be a constant reminder of just how much it costs us to stay alive.

OP- here's some veterans employment sites that may be of use. Dependent on where in the country you are there may be specific local ones.
www.remploy.co.uk/info/20135/who_we_can_help/194/armed_forces_and_veterans
www.bfrss.org.uk/home/job-seekers/vacancies.aspx

Oh OP, what a mess! But I admire your resilience and determination.
I agree with many others that a decamp to your parents is needed. Email him a note to say why you are feeling worn down and have needed to take this step. Remind him that you are committed to him, but cannot continue to live like this for X reasons (as you've highlighted above.

List the remedies he needs to make to repair the situation, before you and DC can consider moving bsck as a family.

If it's all in black and white (problem/implication/solution/plan/timescale) then he can maybe start ticking things off in order of priority?

After you've hopefully got back on an even keel, I think you should you should prioritise addressing the fact that you have no asset but all of the financial liability (bills being in your name). Not only has he let his family down through his lack of foresight, he's taken you for a mug financially.

Well you came on here asking what can you do since you don't trust him, and you have managed to answer your own question - it doesn't really matter because you're with him for the long haul anyway.

Why would he take you seriously though? You say you have given ultimatums previously, but obviously not followed through on them, You've shown him that you don't really mean them.

Where is the incentive for either of you to change anything? You're staying regardless; he doesn't listen to you regardless.

If you are intent on staying, as you are, start using your brain a bit more and your heart a bit less. Get on the deeds. Do some part time work. Sort out the books. Get your head out of the sand. But don't bother looking for him to make any changes because, as your first post stated, you can't trust him now anyway.

Good luck.

There's your answer then. Full financial disclosure and he let's you help with the running of the business. You probably already have many of the skills needed to do this. As soon as you're out of the mire he puts your name on the deeds and you get married.
A wedding doesn't have to be expensive. Church hall and bring a platter/bottle style wedding, or an oversized picnic after registry office. No gifts just bring food and wine. I've been to weddings like this and they've been amount the best.
Support him but put yourself and your dc first. Get them same and set what your requirements are from him. He's probably terrified and to deep in the mess to see a way out.

Thank you Tallulah. I will sit down and look at this when DC is napping, and then with OH when he gets home.

Thank you Gazelda that's very constructive. I did try something similar about 5 weeks ago when I stayed with my parents for a while. I wrote a long email so he could really take it in, but it focussed on feelings and our relationship. I gave him back my engagement ring at the same time because I feel stupid wearing it. I think I need to focus on the practical this time, as you suggest.