I feel so let down by OH and don't know if I can take any more

[DontForgetTheNameChange]

I've name changed for this thread. Looking for constructive input and advice please!

I love my OH dearly. Together 9 years, have a 1 yo DC and DC2 on the way soon. OH was in a well paid role in the military when we left, but took redundancy 5 years ago and got a £80k settlement and retraining. Retrained as an electrician, we both agreed we were happy to have reduced salary as we don't live a flashy lifestyle.

Then OH fell in love with a very dilapidated house. Completely uninhabitable. I was nervous from the start, and got more nervous as things progressed. Begged him not to buy it (it is only in his name, I don't own property) but he promised it would be ok; he would make it all ok and treat it as a full time job, using redundancy money to make it amazing. Bought the house almost 5 yrs ago. I say we should focus on the main house; fix the roof, windows, get heating installed, etc. He says lets focus on converting the small barn it came with, I say this is a red herring, but he goes ahead and starts on the barn anyway.

Fast forward 5 yrs and here we are with 1 yo DC & baby bump, house still almost as bad as when we got it (seriously bad!), barn is not converted, redundancy money all long gone. Before I got pregnant he promised the house would be much improved by time baby arrived....it wasn't. He has promised again that house will be much better in time for DC2, now due in 3 months, and it is still no further forward. The redundancy money is all long gone and he couldn't tell me where half of it has gone. He promised he would really focus on his business as a self-employed electrician so that I could be a SAHM, but I have discovered this evening in the course if making a tax credits application that his business admin & finances are a complete fucking mess. He's no idea how much he has even earned. We have seperate finances and I've asked him hundreds of times over the course of years what the financial situation is. I've told him that I can help with business admin & book keeping if he shows me what I need to get started, but he avoids it. With the renivation I asked him again and again to showme a plan, a schedule, a budget...anything! And it never materialised because he never did it.

I was working full time until a yr ago, earning a fair salary; not enough that he doesn't need to work, but I kept the wolf from the door for 4 yrs whilst he was pissing about, not renivating the barn, not renovating the house, not properly running a business. I feel like a fucking mug, and so stupid for giving up my job when it was the last bit if security we had left. I've tried being understanding, sensitive and helpful, thinking that he's just been lost since he left the military. And I've trued being tough, telling him he needs to get hus act tigether and orovide for his family. I've even told him I've been close to leaving because I can't live like this. Nothing seems to make any difference! So what the hell do I do? I feel so let down by him. And now I don't trust anything he says because he hasn't come good on a single promise in 5 years.

Sorry for the stupidly long OP.

So many different aspects to this thread; it's hard to know how to unpick it all and where to start. It would break my heart but in my opinion you should go to your parents for a year. You'll get help and mental clarity, also it's very hard to do paid work and renovations with kids and a wife around. If you're not there he can work flat out for a year and try to complete the project. He has a deadline then, and yours and the kids needs are taken care of. Short term pain for long term gain. See where you are in a year...

P.s. Obviously contact all the TV shows that deal with homes (out of pure desperation!)

Oops not wife. Partner. Wasn't projecting.

I wouldn't get a joint tax credit claim with him if his accounts are in such a mess. Tax credits are labyrinthine at the best of times and poor accounting is almost guaranteed to leave you owing them money.
I'm sorry, I know you won't leave him but I'm struggling to see where your end point is here. What's the line in the sand? Do you have one?

HP you're absolutely right. He's scared to death, having to face the fact that he's failed at pretty much everything he's touched in 5 years. Personally I would have had a breakdown, so I at least have to give him credit for keeping going. But he is in too deep to see and think clearly now, so I'm going to have to do it. Though probably from my parent's house, and not here.

I think:

He focuses on working as an electrician.
You get to grips with book-keeping
Borrow money from your parents and employ contractors to finish either the house or barn
Live in that while you finish the other.

It would be easier to walk away, but if you want to stay then something like that needs to be the plan.

Move in with your parents.

Now.

Hopefully he/you sorts himself out and it will only be temporary, but get out now.

Start figuring out a back up plan too.

I think that's v sensible and also kind. Recharge your barriers with your parents and use the time to sort the managerial side of the business. Talk every day and Skype. You're not leaving him, just the situation. He works hard and stops trying to cope and shelter you, which I suspect he's trying to do. Good luck and pack those bags, not as an ultimatum but as necessity.

Batteries not barriers! Sorry for all typos I'm on my phone

I really don't see any benefit in getting married or getting onto the deeds at the moment. How linked are you financially ? What is your individual credit scores , if yours is now better don't let a link to him drag it down again . The comment made a couple times that marriage links you financially however is incorrect . Whether you are his wife or not makes no difference in your liability for debts in his name.

Your first responsibility is to your children and not this man.
Has he really focused on getting the property fixed up ? Is the reason it isn't down to unforeseen problems showing up with the property that took more time and money or is it that he didn't knuckle down and simply didn't devote the time to it in favour of other things he preferred doing ?

OP you sound exceptionally level headed. I would gently say though that it was not really that clever to pay all the bills for a money pit you do not actually own, engagement ring or no.

I also worry that though you say he feels guilty, there is no sign of him changing anything much. He seems like a remarkably stubborn and strong willed dreamer. I doubt he will agree to either put the place on the market or work for someone else.

So it does worry me that in 3/4 years time you will be working your fingers to the bone doing all his admin/books/tax and sorting the barn for short lets and trying to do a bit of work yourself and having to mind 2 kids whilst various parts of the house is drilled and hammered ad infinitum. My worry is that at that time you will be back here again saying "I feel like his Mum".

Sorry, that's not very constructive. I suppose I agree with others that he needs to make some serious changes and he simply will not whilst you are in the house. He knows the baby is coming in 3 months time. He knows the place is bad for a small child. He knows you are miserable. He knows you have called off the engagement.

And what has he done? Much the same as he has been doing for 5 years that's what. He hasn't really changed anything as far as I can see. No drastic measures to save you all. No great solutions. No big commitment to find a solution.

I don't think anything will change whilst you are still in the property. And tbh I have grave doubts that anything will change even if you go. Some people are just not good at being responsible for others.

But at least you will have taken responsibility for yourself and your kids and tried your best to shake him up by creating an earthquake under him. I imagine it's your only hope.

Marley you don't get to choose whether a tax credits claim is joint or not it depends on circumstances. If the OP is living with him it has to be a joint claim , if she (permanently) moves to her parents without him it's a single claim. If the situation is blurred and HRMC decide she claimed incorrectly then there's the possibility of a claim getting called fraudulent which they certainly don't need to add to their woes.

Thank you HP I'm really grateful for your posts and for your understanding. x

trafalgar honestly, it's a bit if both. There were huge unforeseen horrors with this property (but there always are with this type of place) and they have taken a great deal of time and money. But my IH has already admitted tgat he was a classic 'busy fool.' Always rushing about and with more than enough to fill up hus time, but it was aimless and unplanned. So five tears and £80k has slipped through his hands.

Elspeth I already do feel like his mum! I've told him this. It's not the relationship dynamic that I want, that's for certain.

Aaargh! So sorry for all my typos. This phone is dreadful. Medals to you all for sticking with it this long!

Trafalgar I'm aware of that
I was pointing out another pitfall of his poor financial sense. The one should know this before they apply.

Don't sign the bills over to him if you are intending to stay together. At least now you know they are being paid. If you lose control of those too, then that's more stuff that will be in a mess. It's not wise to to be married now, but you can put half of the house in your name. Insist on this.

I can totally see how your OH's behaviour must be very frustrating but I can't understand, why you've continued to make decisions (having children, quitting your job) based on the promises of a man who doesn't keep promises. This is who he is, you staying and starting a family with him hasn't changed him. Its time to stop delegating responsibility to the irresponsible, your children need at least one parent who takes their futures seriously. Go to your parents and stop enabling this man.

I have to say I agree with this. You have let this situation get to where it is now by burying your head in the sand. Yes, he's a good man but he has proven he's very financially irresponsible, so now you have to take the control out of his hands if you want the relationship to survive.

The situation isn't sustainable as it is. If you want to stay with him then you need to do one or a combination of the below.
A. Sell the house and start again - renting if you need to. He can't just say "I don't want to"
B. You take over all financial matters and he concentrates on earning money in his business but you have a big imput into how much he charges etc.
C. He works for someone else.
D. You find the £20K and do up the barn to provide an income stream - you need to do the maths here though.

You do have options but neither of you can continue burying your heads in the sand. You need to tell him what you are prepared to do if he wants you to stay. Forget guilt, you need to be practical. Trouble is he knows you are a pushover and he will continue putting his desires and hopes for a lovely finished house, over practicality.

Now is the time for him to man up and show you how much he loves you by being practical. If he won't then lovely as he is and as many good intentions as he has, then he doesn't love you enough for you to feel guilty about leaving him.

Just wanted to reiterate some of the great advice you've had on here OP. There does need to be a clear plan of action, doesn't there.

1. I think you should all decamp to your parents for at least first week, so it doesn't feel like a 'leaving him' situation. Take all paperwork for business and house so far.
2. while DC is getting spoilt rotten by grandparents sit down together to get to grips with reality of financial situation if business and the cost to get either the house or barn liveable. From that point it would give realistic idea of how long it's going to take on income v outcome and time.
3. Then make ultimate decision it his choice. 'Me and kids are going to have to live her for x months/years or we go to auction. What do you think is best option?'
4. If his choice is the house/barn come up with monthly schedule of work which is feasible based on income and time.

OP you're clearly a very tolerant and forgiving partner, but really think time for some tough love and plan on paper that both agreed to. Should treat it like a contract with clear 'I love you, but we really need to sort this out or we won't have a future' message.

Please let us know. I have high hopes that in 3 years time you'll have amazing wedding on your land sleeping in your fab house :)

Thank you all. I do know that I am very far from blameless in all of this. I listened to him when he said he could provide for me to be a sahm, because it's what I desperately wanted to hear, and despite years of evidence to the contrary. It was without doubt the stupidest thing I have ever done. And I am a massive pushover when it comes to those I love, as some of you have pointed out.

Have just arranged a meeting with my accountant friend (who is brilliant, and I know will be tough but kind) for next week so I think it makes sense to stay put for that, before decamping to parents house. I'll also ask her to recommend a book keeping course for me.

Can you borrow and get a proper builder to finish the project? Get a valuation. Can he borrow from his family? It's good that you have an accountant to look at his 'books'.

As you want to stay together, you will need to take over the running of this project, financial affairs and future business. He won't ever change - he is a dreamer and incapable of running a business (and could end up bankrupt). Focus on his talents.

Obviously, you will need to get some sort of legal contract in place to protect yourself and children. Maybe SSAFA could point you in the right direction of lawyers.

Are you 100% positive that he has been paying the mortgage and that he hasn't got any debts that you don't know about? I'd double check that, and make sure that he knows that if he says no and you later find out he's been concealing things, than your marriage is over. You need complete financial transparency from now on.

Great plan OP. Stay strong and good luck.

Thanks Nanny. I really don't think we could borrow enough. The bank would certainly say no, and neither set of parents is in a position to give that kind of help. The frustrating thing is that he has all the skills to actually do the work! Just none of the money or time.

He is a dreamer. You're right; I'm going to have to take over the management of everything. It should have happened a long time ago. I am going to need to muster a lot of energy from somewhere.

But is it worth it?

You seem to be very very kind. Too kind tbh. Your kindness and forbearance towards him has blinded you towards your kindness towards yourself.

And I would question if it is kind to yourself, to take on a vast endless project that was never your choice to begin with. It is HIS dream.

What's yours?

And if you take on all of this - who is going to be taking care of the kids? Cos you can't afford childcare. How can you be a SAHM and also his Sergeant Major?

Is his future the only future that's conceivable? This bloody barn? A business that he is either unwilling or unable to run?

How is you taking over either fair or kind to yourself?

dowhat I have his permission to open all mail, so I am confident that the mortgage isn't in arrears. (Incidentally he's also allowed to open any of mine, but he doesn't.) I don't believe the mortgage is on target (he has quite a flexible mortgage) but we can worry about that later. I know the other bills are up to date because they're paid from my account, and I don't believe he's taken out any new loans or anything, but I will ask just to be 100% certain.

What I don't know (though a little more came to last night) is the state of the business and the state of his paperwork. But I agree that there can be nothing hidden from me. I do think he's been scared to tell me because he wants to shield me from worrying, but it has the opposite effect. I honestly don't believe any of it has been done in malice, he's just been very stupid, and so have I.

Your response is (understandably) "I'll fix this cos it has to be fixed and I can't rely in him"

But that IS being his Mum! You are actually volunteering it!

Elspeth I don't know if it's worth it, in all honesty. In a practical sense I'm stuck (unless I call it a day, move to my oarents, and start from scratch) and emotionally I am stuck. It would all be very simple if I didn't love him.

Right now my only dream is keeping my family safe & together. And hoping that nobody has a full-on breakdown in the process. I do have other hopes for the future, things I want to do with my life, but I'm just not in a position to focus on those right now, clearly.

I have to hope that if I can help him and get things back on an even keel that in time he will be able to take the reins again. Right now he clearly doesn't know where to start, he's so overwhelmed. We both are. But I am starting to think that maybe I am the tougher, more resiliant one in this relationship. People have taken on more and made it through, haven't they?