I feel so let down by OH and don't know if I can take any more

[DontForgetTheNameChange]

I've name changed for this thread. Looking for constructive input and advice please!

I love my OH dearly. Together 9 years, have a 1 yo DC and DC2 on the way soon. OH was in a well paid role in the military when we left, but took redundancy 5 years ago and got a £80k settlement and retraining. Retrained as an electrician, we both agreed we were happy to have reduced salary as we don't live a flashy lifestyle.

Then OH fell in love with a very dilapidated house. Completely uninhabitable. I was nervous from the start, and got more nervous as things progressed. Begged him not to buy it (it is only in his name, I don't own property) but he promised it would be ok; he would make it all ok and treat it as a full time job, using redundancy money to make it amazing. Bought the house almost 5 yrs ago. I say we should focus on the main house; fix the roof, windows, get heating installed, etc. He says lets focus on converting the small barn it came with, I say this is a red herring, but he goes ahead and starts on the barn anyway.

Fast forward 5 yrs and here we are with 1 yo DC & baby bump, house still almost as bad as when we got it (seriously bad!), barn is not converted, redundancy money all long gone. Before I got pregnant he promised the house would be much improved by time baby arrived....it wasn't. He has promised again that house will be much better in time for DC2, now due in 3 months, and it is still no further forward. The redundancy money is all long gone and he couldn't tell me where half of it has gone. He promised he would really focus on his business as a self-employed electrician so that I could be a SAHM, but I have discovered this evening in the course if making a tax credits application that his business admin & finances are a complete fucking mess. He's no idea how much he has even earned. We have seperate finances and I've asked him hundreds of times over the course of years what the financial situation is. I've told him that I can help with business admin & book keeping if he shows me what I need to get started, but he avoids it. With the renivation I asked him again and again to showme a plan, a schedule, a budget...anything! And it never materialised because he never did it.

I was working full time until a yr ago, earning a fair salary; not enough that he doesn't need to work, but I kept the wolf from the door for 4 yrs whilst he was pissing about, not renivating the barn, not renovating the house, not properly running a business. I feel like a fucking mug, and so stupid for giving up my job when it was the last bit if security we had left. I've tried being understanding, sensitive and helpful, thinking that he's just been lost since he left the military. And I've trued being tough, telling him he needs to get hus act tigether and orovide for his family. I've even told him I've been close to leaving because I can't live like this. Nothing seems to make any difference! So what the hell do I do? I feel so let down by him. And now I don't trust anything he says because he hasn't come good on a single promise in 5 years.

Sorry for the stupidly long OP.

he doesn't get how you are feeling let down and upset. especially now you are pregnant stress is not good for you.
as others have suggested there are some options financially.
in my opinion going to a relate counsellor together would be a good idea, too. maybe then he can understand how you feel.
it is good that you have a supportive family.
wishing you good luck.

If he's not listening after 5 years and your second dc, i don't see what is going to make him, I'd personally be moving to my p for an easier life - if he wants his family back, he needs to sort his mess out whilst you live in comfort. I can't even comprehend how you've had 1 dc there already and this hasn't come to a head.

You can't rely on him to do the house. You're not working either, so you need to woman up and do it yourself! Just get stuck in! Do the baby's room, it'll be fun. Not sure why you're waiting on him to do it. You're equally capable. Your vagina isn't an excuse, so don't make it one.

He has kissed away two career opportunities and a lump sum of money that could have been life changing if used prudently. What more evidence do you need that he is worthless as a husband and provider?!

Go to your parents while you still can & sort out how you will support your children. Because clearly it will be up to you not him.

currently the nursery is a bare brick room. It has no windows, walls partly built, bare floor with holes in.

OP is six months pregnant I don't think it's feasible for her to be tackling work on this scale. It's not a bit of painting and decorating.

I can totally see how your OH's behaviour must be very frustrating but I can't understand, why you've continued to make decisions (having children, quitting your job) based on the promises of a man who doesn't keep promises. This is who he is, you staying and starting a family with him hasn't changed him.

Its time to stop delegating responsibility to the irresponsible, your children need at least one parent who takes their futures seriously. Go to your parents and stop enabling this man.

Yes it is a mess. I can't believe he doesn't know where the money has gone. On the other hand as you are not married it is his money. I just reread your op and seen that the house isn't yours either.

I can't see any advantage to staying with him. You can just walk away.

Even if you moved out and gave him an ultimatum re the house, I don't think he would sort it would he?

So he has the house solely in his name? The thing that has the potential resale value that you therefore have no stake in. Yet he let's you have all the bills in your name? Wow. He's a piece of work. And that's before we even get to him valuing his project over yours and his children's safety and wellbeing.

Run. Run for the hills. Go and stay with your parents. You can always come back if he gets the house sorted and his finances in order. But he won't

You might need to consider that he is not capable of doing the work required in the business or at home. He might be the most loveable and well intentioned man alive but he may not be able. My dad wasn't. This lasted my whole childhood. I would recommend moving to your parents while you get to grips with how you are going to provide for the DC. It might be his only chance of realising he has has to get help to change

If you stay together, it sounds like the most workable plan is him staying home with the kids and you going back to your job - is that possible?

My love would have run dry a long time ago, I'm afraid. When you have children, it isn't an option to stick your head in the sand like this. It just isn't. I would move back to my parents and tell him it's up to him to show that he's capable of turning things around and deliver on his promises. It's not much to ask, it really isn't.

Suggest you leave him to it and move in with your parents with DC temporarily while you assess your long term options.

It's him who should feel guilty! If he sorts himself and the awful situation out in due course, and you wish to forgive him and have more confidence for the future, you could try counselling (while living apart). It seems more likely that he'd get angry about you leaving and/or not sort it out, which would be down to him.

If he won't listen, ask him questions and keep pushing for answers from him. What are we going to live on sounds like a crucial question.

My husband too found leaving a well-paid military role very stressful. I was pregnant when he left and it's been a very tough few years. We're now on the up but saddled with debt....without that we'd be doing great.
What you can salvage from this depends on his attitude and on his actions...no good saying lots of good things but it all falling apart in practice.

Is he from the UK or overseas?

Thanks everyone for being so constructive. I do think I'm going to decamp to my parents for a little while at least. I had a complicated pregnancy last time, thank goodness this one is uncomplicated so far, but it would be less stressful to be somewhere more comfortable and safer.

I have given him ultimatums in the past, and quite recently. I gave him back my engagement ring because I feel so ridiculous wearing a very expensive ring (bought in better times) whilst our world is falling down around our ears. I told him he should sell it, but I think that would be too painful for him.

Someone said he was a well intentioned man, and ge is. I'm glad people here haven't been nasty about him, just honest about his failings. He is wobderful in many ways, and that's why I stay. I have wished to nit love him, or to discover that he's cheated on me (he hasn't, he wouldn't, that's just not in him) so that I could leave and not feel guilty. But I know he's a mess, he knows he's failed at everything and that's so painful, and I just can't walk out on him completely and not help him through in some way.

I have done what I can to take control. My DC does have safe spaces amongst this chaos, and that's been only my doing. Sadly, as someone else pointed out, the rest is not a case if painting & decorating. It's far beyond the ability of an experienced renovator, even.

Nerdy the barn cannot legally be separated from the house, so it can't be sold sadly. The local council insisted on this as a condition of the planning permission to convert it. It can only be used by us for visiting friends & relatives, and rented as holiday accommodation. So it would be a lovely little earner, if it ever gets finished!

Joangray I just assumed that SAFA wouldn't be able tohelp because of the amount of redundancy my OH has been given so recently. Maybe that's a stupid assumption. I'll get in touch with them, thank you for the suggestion.

Floris the land is already let to a local horse owner. It gives me a little cash for housekeeping, and it's at the going rate locally. It's a bit of a drop in the ocean! Better than nothing though. I washeartened to read about your experience, but I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't want this to kill our relationship, I feel sick when I think of our DCs spending Christmas and birthdays with one parent and flitting back and forth between us.

Kiwi I have made some very stupid decisions. But I am not and have never used my vagina as an excuse. This place is not in need of a lick of paint and some scatter cushions. It's major construction, electrical installations, replumbing, structural engineering, etc. I have done a LOT including knocking down walls and unblocking chimneys, but I am now 6 months pregnant with a 1 yo to care for. I hardly think my MW would be amused at the thought of me digging up floors with a jack hammer.

I'd get it sold at auction. Someone will buy it if the price is right.

In the interim, move back to your parents.

If he's that shit with paperwork, HMRC will come knocking at some stage. "We love each other, it'll work out" won't cut much ice with them.

What a horrible position for you to be in OP.

I think you need to face up to the fact that he's taken you for granted and it quite lazy and not that bothered about your or his dc 's welfare.

I too would go to stay with your family and plan a life independent of him. Only change your plans if he gives you something actually real to go on, not promises, pipe dreams and plans.

Thank you Earthbound. I know it can be very tough for families when someone leaves the military. I'm glad to hear things are getting better for you now. I think I need to look for some help from SSAFA, and hopefully they'll talk to me despite us not being married. My OH is from the UK.

Thanks Penguin that has occurred to me. I didn't realise until last night just how bad a shape his admin & books are in, so I'll be contacting an accountant friend today to ask her for a meeting so I can get things sorted. On the more positive side he is actually very busy with electrical work at the moment, we will just need to ensure it is profitable.

I think the advice to marry him is ridiculous for many reasons, one being you have no clue about his finances.

If he has debts you could be liable for them if you are married.

You should move back to your parents, you cannot have a new baby in the environment you're describing. It may also give you space to see if he can sort himself out.
He needs to sort out his books for his business and get the house valued ASAP. If he refuses to do either of these at least you know he is never ever going to change and you and your children are better out of this ridiculous situation.

Definitely speak to them. And try to get to the bottom of exactly what your DH is finding hard about things, as that's the opening to address it. Lots of unmumsnetty hugs!

Thank you Earthbound I actually really need those unmumsnetty hugs today!

Has he at least been filing tax returns & paying tax? Based on what?

Why are you getting things sorted? His house, his redundancy money, his business (your bills though). Has he asked you to help?

And I think you're projecting massively with the whole oh he feels like shit having failed at everything. If he did he would not be pushing back at everything you suggest, apparently as a matter of principle.

What his ACTIONS are telling you?

I'm sorry OP but SSAFA are there for welfare, I doubt they'd hand over money in this instance, because how much would they give and what would it be used for? I've seen them give money for wheelchairs and respite holidays, that sort of thing... Just to manage expectations.

However, on a positive note they do have debt counsellors and could certainly offer support, and would help you without needing to go via him, as you are still considered part of the military family as a veterans partner.

Also, I wouldn't use leaving the military as much of an excuse, especially as an officer! We have access to some superb resettlement training, especially for self employment and the fact he didn't take advantage of it is no excuse.
Also, military officers do not have everything done for them, as a side note! I'm one and have to do everything myself. This guys just letting you down, full stop, don't make excuses for him.