House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

Bertrand it's often hard to separate the legal bit from the emotional bit when it is you that wants it. OP do you just want the legal security or is this about the emotional bond between you and him? I felt like it was a missing piece in my relationship. But I found it very hard to rationalise why I felt that way.

My advice is still to find a way to discuss this rationally. Don't force something and make change what you want completely to suit him. The two of you need to reach some kind of understanding. You should be able to reach a compromise. Have you explained how important this is to you in a calm and rational way? Does he understand how his reluctance to talk about this makes you feel?

"Bertrand it's often hard to separate the legal bit from the emotional bit when it is you that wants it."

It might be hard- but it has to be done. The OP needs legal protection now.

cosmic

I want both! Obviously want legal protection because that's just sensible isn't it. (Before anyone say it's yes I know I probably have to been sensible buying a house and having a baby with someone who is not married to me)

But yeah I suppose I want to get married because it's a commitment to me.

I know that many marriages end in divorce, there's no denying that. Nowadays it may not be forever for everyone, but I wouldn't marry him if I thought it wasn't going to last.

Our relationship is really good and to be completely honest this is the only thing we argue about. Other than this we tend to agree on everything. We might have the odd cross word but nothing more than 'oh for gods sake have you left it to me to put the bins out again' that sort of thing.

That's what I think I would be an idiot to throw it away.

But the marriage thing makes me think that I am not worth as much to him as he is to me, he tells me not to take it personally. How can you not take it personally!

He didn't marry ss's mother but I get the impression that because they were both quite young neither of them were really that bothered. I dunno I haven't asked too much because she's been so vile to me that I'm not particularly interested in her life.

They were all mutual decisions we didn't make any spur of the moment decisions we had many discussions about the house the car and the baby

See, this is what would make me angry about it.

He CAN and DOES have discussions when he wants to move something along, but he just shuts you down when he doesn't want to know. It's quite controlling.

I agree with the others that, at minimum, he needs to step up and help you get all the legal protection organised ASAP.

Beyond that, having a partner who won't discuss stuff that's important to you is quite an issue.

I really feel for you, OP.

Ah thanks Toad. I feel for me too!

This is the thing he is capable of having a discussion when he wants to.

I feel like there's some horrendous reason that he's not telling me about.

I know that many marriages end in divorce, there's no denying that. Nowadays it may not be forever for everyone, but I wouldn't marry him if I thought it wasn't going to last

Using your partner's logic, most live-in relationships won't work out either, but that hasn't stopped him buying a house with you.

If you knew that he loved you, and you would be legally protected, but never legally married, would you be happy to stay in the relationship?

If not, when do you want to be married by? Five years from now? Three? One? If this is a dealbreaker for you, then I think now is the time to tell him so.

TBH, I'd start doing the legal stuff now. Present him with the relevant documents you need to be protected in a similar way to marriage, and tell him that since you aren't married, you want to get the legal protections in place. That may startle him into realising you are serious, or it may settle him further into complacency. Either way, it is likely to give you more information on if he ever intends on this happening, and in the meantime you would have your rights protected

I think I'd stay Sarah. In fact yes I would stay. It wouldn't be exactly what I wanted, but I'd stay.

Best case scenario - 5 years. In 6 ish years we'll have been together 10 years so maybe that would be a good date to get married.

Worse case scenario I'd settle for 10 but (no offence to anyone!) I don't want to be any older than that if/when I get married. I'd still say yes but wouldn't have a 'proper wedding' nobody would be invited.

"Worse case scenario I'd settle for 10 but (no offence to anyone!) I don't want to be any older than that if/when I get married. I'd still say yes but wouldn't have a 'proper wedding' nobody would be invited"

Good lord. What a very odd way to think.

But even in your best case scenario, you still need to get the legal stuff done. Or are you going to risk it because being married is more important to you than your legal status if he dies/leaves?

Might be odd but I wouldn't invite anyone! I wouldn't want a big thing of ooooh are you finally getting married now after 14 years.

It's embarrassing enough as it is!

I'm not going to risk it. I'll prob get legal stuff done anyway, because even like you say best case scenario is 5 years away, I still want both of us to be protected in those 5 years.

Why is it embarassing??

And you'll prob get the legal stuff done?

Would I be right in thinking that you don't want to lose a bargaining chip?

This is another problem not only do feel rejected I'm just embarrassed

I hate going to other people's weddings because you inevitably get asked if its 'you next' and I hate it, it's embarrassing because I don't want to say erm... No it's not cos he doesn't want to marry me, but I also don't want to have to lie and say oh yeah it will be!

I think just consider carefully once you have the legal aspects sorted out if getting married is still so important.

Would you be happy to marry him if you know it was under duress? If you are hoping to change his mind and find the argument that means he wants to marry you then it's unlikely to happen. But realistically you can probably make him if you go on about it for long enough- that might not be what you want though?

It's embarrassing! Of course it's embarrassing!

Being someone's girlfriend for the rest of my life is embarrassing.

I'm good enough to live with but not good enough to be a wife.

It's rejection essentially!

I assume you do not see it like this because you don't want to get married but personally I find it bloody awful.

I don't want to be someone's girlfriend or partner when I am 50. I want to be a bloody wife.

Bertrand I am NOT bargaining with anyone.

I am not going to start using tactics to get him to marry me! What's the bloody point in that!

Well yes, if it's not willingly done by both it does seem pointless.

But he's said he dosent want to- so there dosent seen to be a possible compromise position here?

I don't want to force him to marry me. I don't think that would make for a successful marriage.

I want him to understand why I feel it is important and come to his own decision.

The thing is, I feel like if he is so 'not bothered' about it, then he should do it for me.

However, if he did want to marry me, I would not force him into anything wedding wise, eg I'd pretty much let him do whatever made him happy because I am not that arsed about the day.

I'm not saying right sit down and listen we have to get married on x date, I want a £2000 Rock on my finger by next friday, and I want the venue and caterers booked by the end of the week.

I just want a 'yes let's get married'. And then a nice chat about what we both would or would not like. That's it, I'm really not fussy :(

I don't know. You could be married to a twat. Is being in a happy relationship with house and baby so bad? Or is it just external pressure - I remember when everyone around seemed to be getting married I felt pressured to do the same!

I do understand. It's a difficult situation to be in.

OP if that's how you feel then why would you be happy to let the situation rumble on, destroying your self-esteem, for another 6 years?

If you feel this strongly, and you clearly do, then why can't you force a grown up conversation with him about it? Go out for a long walk, no distractions, and talk to him.

Viking no it's not so bad, but it is kind of shitty having to give up on something you've always wanted because you're so called 'partner' won't do something that's important to you because they 'don't want to' and yet cannot or will not explain why.

I'm sure I'd find it a lot easier to drop it if he had a 'proper' reason.

It's a really shitty situation to be in because I feel like I can't win!

I don't want to give ultimatums, I don't want to leave, I don't want to live in this state of 'maybe' for the next however many years. I don't want to force him to marry me, but then I don't want to be forced to stay unmarried. I don't want my child to ask me why we're not married because saying 'daddy didn't want to' just breaks my heart.

aye because if we had a date set etc I wouldn't feel like I was in this state of 'maybe' any more.

I know that I still sort of would be because there's nothing stopping him cancelling or not turning up, but a date being set would be a massive step forward for me.