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Original poster

House... Baby.. No ring.

602 replies

littlerabbitface · 13/07/2016 13:42

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

OP posts:
toadgirl · 14/07/2016 10:28

Your partner is stonewalling any discussion on marriage, which is unfair.

Would him being married to you upset him as much as you are upset at not being married? If so, why? If only he'd tell you the reason!

It is a shitty situation.

Original poster
littlerabbitface · 14/07/2016 10:33

Toad, I don't thinks d be upset for marrying me.

Other than legally, nothing would change except my surname.

I mean ffs I'd sign a bloody prenup if he was that bothered. Not that he owns anything I don't own half of anyway!

I dunno what he thinks he's got to lose!

Unless he's planning to leave! He's gotten a funny fucking stupid way around it if he is though!

OP posts:
Piemernator · 14/07/2016 10:36

My reasons are very likely unpalatable to many

I do not have a romantic bone in my body
Men generally annoy me and seem like a hinderance
I already had a really decent amount of assets when I started dating DH due to working when young.Low paid stuff like chamber maiding and waitressing but also worked as a model so earned a decent amount. No way is anyone getting their hands on my money.

He asked me two times and I refused. I accepted the third because I wanted to make him happy.I even had a huge wedding because that's what he wanted, I figured it was one day. We agreed to never mix finances.

There will be a genuine reason, if you press for it you may not like what you hear . Then there are the consequences to deal with of how you handle the information. . To this day I will never understand why people have DC together unmarried if getting married is their hearts desire, accidental pregnancies aside.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 10:37

Why did you say you would "prob" do the legal things?

Hillfarmer · 14/07/2016 10:38

I hate going to other people's weddings because you inevitably get asked if its 'you next' and I hate it, it's embarrassing because I don't want to say erm... No it's not cos he doesn't want to marry me, but I also don't want to have to lie and say oh yeah it will be!

Why should you be embarrassed? Why should you have to lie?

I would do the opposite of mumbling and dissembling when asked. I urge you to go to the weddings and if anyone asks, say in a clear voice ' No it won't be us next because DP doesn't want to. I'm good enough to have a baby and a house and a car with, but not good enough to marry unfortunately!' Don't be ashamed. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

And keep saying it whenever anyone tops your glass up. Especially if his mum is there.

Original poster
littlerabbitface · 14/07/2016 10:41

Why did you say you would "prob" do the legal things

Because I most likely will, unless he suddenly changes his mind and we go down the registry office within the next couple of weeks, and if that happened I wouldn't bother.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 10:42

"I would do the opposite of mumbling and dissembling when asked. I urge you to go to the weddings and if anyone asks, say in a clear voice ' No it won't be us next because DP doesn't want to. I'm good enough to have a baby and a house and a car with, but not good enough to marry unfortunately!'"

Jesus. Please don't do that.

Original poster
littlerabbitface · 14/07/2016 10:43

*Why should you be embarrassed? Why should you have to lie?

I would do the opposite of mumbling and dissembling when asked. I urge you to go to the weddings and if anyone asks, say in a clear voice ' No it won't be us next because DP doesn't want to. I'm good enough to have a baby and a house and a car with, but not good enough to marry unfortunately!' Don't be ashamed. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

And keep saying it whenever anyone tops your glass up. Especially if his mum is there.*

Im not sure publicly shaming him will help my cause....

What's it got to do with his mum? Confused

I'd still be embarrassed whatever I said or didn't say! It's the question I hate the most!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 10:43

"Because I most likely will, unless he suddenly changes his mind and we go down the registry office within the next couple of weeks, and if that happened I wouldn't bother."

You need to do it today.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 10:47

You're obviously more bothered about some perceived social stigma than legal protection, so I don't think there's much more anyone can say.

Original poster
littlerabbitface · 14/07/2016 10:50

Oh Bertrand!

You have a completely different view of this.

It's got NOTHING to do with social stigma.

I don't think anyone else gives a shiny shit that were not married, I don't like taking about it to others because it's embarrassing to me.

Not because of what they might think, because of what i think. I get upset talking about it. I'm not embarrassed because I'm an 'unmarried mother' ffs.

I've said I'll get the legal stuff done, if we were to get married within the next two weeks it would be POINTLESS to get anything other than wills written today.

I will get wills written regardless so don't worry about that.

You're clearly anti marriage and you don't appreciate how I feel about it I don't think.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 10:55

I'm not anti marriage. If two people want to do it then go for it. I love weddings.

I just don't think one person's desire to be married should trump another person's desire not to be.

I do think, however, that not wanting to get the legal situation sorted out is completely unacceptable. Which is why you need to do it today, not in to weeks or whatever. And I really don't understand why you don't agree.

Original poster
littlerabbitface · 14/07/2016 10:59

For fuck sake when exactly have I said I don't want to get the legal situation sorted out.

Why should the person who doesn't want to get married trump the other then?! Do you not think your partner feels slightly rejected, or a bit pissed off that what you don't want to do, is more important than what he does want to do?!

Why are your feelings more important than his?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 11:03

"For fuck sake when exactly have I said I don't want to get the legal situation sorted out."

Because you havn't yet, and you have a house and baby. Because you say you will "prob" or "most likely" do it.

Batteriesallgone · 14/07/2016 11:10

I wouldn't be able to let this lie personally. I'd be bringing it up All. The. Time. If he gets annoyed and shuts you down - so what? Why does he get to be happy if you're not? When I'm annoyed at DH I make damn sure he knows about it until things are talked through and resolved.

What are you afraid of? That he'll be so pissed off at you bringing it up that he'll leave? If his reluctance to communicate is more important to him than your relationship then it's got a expiry date on it anyway.

I would push until I got a reason and felt he'd been honest with me. And get the legal stuff arranged. I couldn't bear the idea of living with someone and sharing parenting with someone who couldn't communicate honestly and openly about something important to me.

2nds · 14/07/2016 11:12

Hi Little I sent you a pm.

Needabiscuit · 14/07/2016 11:13

Littlerabbitface I feel I literally could of written this post

Me and my boyfriend partner have been together almost 8 years, recently brought a flat together, and I'm pregnant with our second child, and still no ring!!
For me I feel rejected, and humiliated that everyone else has gotten married or are getting married with the dates set, there are very few people that we know of that aren't, and that's because their relationship is quite new

I'm not as young as you, and have always said I have a cut off point at which I wouldn't even bother asking me! I am slowly reaching that point!!
He knows I don't want to be an older bride,
I now feel I can't have the wedding that I wanted and he making it harder now to have any sort of wedding

I now would rather a quick registry do and be done with it.....however he won't ask for a good while still,
I know he want to buy a nice ring, but we have massive debts, have loads of bloody weddings coming up that we cost us a pretty penny,
so he won't be able to save up for the ring!

What does get to me the most though is I always said to him I won't get married without being married, it's a tradition I wanted to keep, and it's very much culture thing for me aswell, I also would of preferred to have been engaged when we first moved in together but he just said money is tight, and we have timeHmm

I feel I have compromised for him a lot and feel he has taken that for granted, so now I feel very bitter towards him

I now wish I didn't have our first child under his surname as petty as that sounds I'm in a vey vulnerable place if it does go wrong as I've realised reading this post

blueshoes · 14/07/2016 11:16

OP, if you agree to wait even 10 notional years, you are giving the selfish git him the best years of your life. You don't have to force the issue, but be aware of this fact.

Needabiscuit · 14/07/2016 11:16

I won't have kids without being marriedBlush and excuse all the other errors

Original poster
littlerabbitface · 14/07/2016 11:17

No I haven't Bertrand because I thought we were going to get fucking married.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlerabbitface · 14/07/2016 11:21

need I'm sorry you're in this shitty situation too but I'm so glad you understand.

I don't know what to do.

I've just asked him why he doesn't want to do it, he just says he just doesn't there is no reason.

So I've asked why his feelings are more important than mine.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 14/07/2016 11:32

Some of you are quite bigoted against what you call " older brides " . One of the loveliest wedding I've attended was that of my great uncles who married again in his 70s and his wife was a similar age .

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 14/07/2016 11:40

Weddings can be dire, or seeing people you haven't seen for a while. You know that the people who ask "not married yet then" (head tilted, concerned face) will nod and smile at any reason you give, then later will be saying "Poor Must. Still not married you know". The default implication being that there is obviously something wrong with you, never that there might be an issue with him, and that it something to be pitied.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 11:45

Yeah, the older bride thing rattled my cage a bit too.

Jackiebrambles · 14/07/2016 11:47

What counts as an 'older' bride anyway?

I love weddings, they are gorgeous at any age.

I really feel for you Little, its a shit situation. Does he want more kids? Have you discussed that at all?

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