House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

You are his partner and the mother of his child. Therefore, it should matter what YOU want; it's not just about his view.
You want to get married. As your loving partner he should listen and act. If not, you need to have a serious talk about why and then face that with him. I know it's easy to say that and difficult to do. If he keeps coming back at you with lame excuses, tell him it's a deal breaker for you and get him to set a date.

This is the thing though ijust he will take me not talking about it as I've got over it.

Sorry meant to bold that don't know what I'm doing on the mobile site. Am used to the app

Sorry meant to bold that don't know what I'm doing on the mobile site. Am used to the app

Why on earth would you change your name for someone who doesn't want to marry you?! He won't even explain his reasons for not wanting to marry you. He is taking the piss.

If he has genuine reasons for not wanting to marry you that outweigh all the legal arguments, you could perhaps come to terms with him.

However, he is just shutting you down without explain it at all. That's unfair.

Couple's counselling?

come to terms with it (not him)

Whilst you may resent him for not readily agreeing to marry. He may resent you for trying to make him. Works both ways.

While there are those on the thread who think you should split up your happy family and LTB immediately and go marry someone else, thinks are never that black and white.
For now you are equal partners financially and have the commitment of the baby and the home.

*things

"While there are those on the thread who think you should split up your happy family and LTB immediately and go marry someone else"

Who said that?! Would you mind quoting because I don't recall reading anything of the sort.

He is within his rights not to marry her but the OP is within her rights to be upset, disappointed and frustrated about it. He owes her a proper explanation at the very least.

I wouldn't be changing my name for him id be doing it for myself.

It doesn't fix anything though

Changing your name is a PITA. Don't do it so you can "feel" married even though you're not.

The feeling of being second class will not go away, just simmer under the surface. It seems drastic to break up a relationship for this reason but there is no guarantee that OP will still end up breaking the relationship further down the road after she has had more children and possibly suffered career-wise from the motherhood penalty anyway.

It is a question of whether to cut losses now or put up with a lifetime of resentment.

OP, the benefit of your talk is he has shown his true colours. It sounds like he does not want to (and everything all along has been an excuse to fob you off) rather than he will down the road and is just waiting for the right time. You may very well have to prepared to never be married to him.

I really don't see why the person who wants to be married should take precedence. Obviously for me as a woman it's easier to explain why I don't want to- but I think that a man should be able to say he doesn't want to too.

OP- I've been where you are. I agonised for years over why DP didn't want to get married and even got drunk once a proposed to him and then had to take it back the next morning.
For me it became a sticking point: he had to propose so that I knew he actually wanted it too.
It took him ages to get there. He proposed when I was eight months pregnant and the size of a whale. He did it because something clicked for him. I think it was partially that he realised that not every marriage needs to be as damaged as his parents' marriage and their subsequent divorce. It didn't help that his dad actively encouraged him not to get married.
Keep talking it through with him but in a non-pressurised way. Keep telling him how important it is but don't put emotional pressure on him. If it is what you want then there are ways of making it clear that it's a deal breaker without leaving. Try not to make it a taboo subject. Maybe talk to him a bit about his feelings concerning his parents' marriage.

And I have to say, I would be petty pissed off if my dp did any pretendy marriage stuff like wearing a ring or changing his name.

I agree with this.^^

I would never change my name to match my DP, if he didn't want to marry me.

I also don't see the point of any kind of ceremony if it's not a wedding. I'd feel it was a facade TBH.

That's just my opinion on the name change and some may be satisfied with it.

There is a big fear among men these days (and some women) about the cost of divorce and that puts them off marriage.

Another thing is that if you have all the benefits of marriage (as a man), why bother. You live together, have kids and your DP does everything a wife would.

I'm in a new relationship so don't expect marriage any time soon my dp and I already love together and have a baby due Christmas day dp has expressed he would get married if I wanted to but for me I won't do it now because deep down I know he doesn't see the point in it but he does want me to name our baby with his surname anyway sorry to ramble but I totally understand how u feel

"Keep telling him how important it is but don't put emotional pressure on him."
Good luck with that!

Princess Please please consider giving the baby your surname or both surnames. It's your baby too and it should share a surname with you.

Bertrand
"I think that a man should be able to say he doesn't want to too."
What do you think he should be able to say exactly? "I don't want to get married", end of conversation? You seem to be staying very quiet about the fact that he isn't explaining his reasons at all.
You have made it clear that you don't want to get married, but presumably you explained your reasons to your partner? You didn't just keeping saying no when he asked you and expect him to STFU?!

Bertrand It can be done. I'll admit that I found it hard at first. But if your relationship with someone is good enough to want to marry them then you should be able to discuss things openly. Letting feelings fester only leads to resentment and lack of trust.

I don't think he can discuss things openly for whatever reason. Well he can discuss things, just not this thing

If I had an explanation for why he didn't want to I'm sure id find it easier to either accept or decide if it was a deal breaker, however with no information I feel like I cannot make that decision and am sort of in limbo. It's utterly utterly shite and I'm struggling to see an outcome where everyone's happy.

OP, I'm like Bertrand in being the woman in my partnership who doesn't want to get married, while my DP would have ideally preferred it. I was straight up with him from the beginning though and he hasn't asked because he values his limbs

I've got a lot of philosophical and personal reasons why I don't want to be married, but I also accept that what my partner wants is equally valuable to what I want. So we talked about it- we had a series of conversations where we identified what the important bits of marriage were for him, and what the specific issues were with marriage for me. That way we were able to come up with a compromise: he got the things that were important to him (same names, party with all the people we love, legal and financial documents set up for protection) and I avoided the things that would have been a problem for me (expressing my deepest feelings in front of everyone I know, legal restrictions on how and why we can dissolve our partnership if necessary, although I hope it won't be!).

So it doesn't have to be one person wins, one person loses, so long as you can both be completely honest about what you want. That might involve some difficult conversations and some soul searching while you figure out what you want exactly. But starting the conversation by saying 'this is exactly what's important to me and why' will put you in a much stronger position to get an outcome that makes you both happy. for you though as i know it must be tough

That's why I suggested couple's counselling as you do need to be able to discuss it and move forward.

You go really need to find a way to talk to him. It is agonising to sit in the silence that is the unspoken conversation. You need to start slowly. Write down what you are feeling and go from there. Trying using the passive voice I.e- I'm unhappy about the situatio, not 'you are making me unhappy'.