House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

I'm in the same boat OP.

DP and I agreed to marry as soon as DC was walking, a discussion we had when I was pregnant. Under this agreement, DC had DPS surname with the understanding that I would inherit the same name soon afterwards.

DC is now 2.5 and still no ring.
We've had a lot of ups and downs since DC was born, more than we ever could have imagined. But we're still together and I'm still the mother of his child, so why no ring? I think DP should either leave me or offer a ring. He says that he wants to give me a ring and marry, but when the 'time is right' whenever that may be?!

I feel part of the problem is money too. I don't think DP can afford an engagement ring, but I also know he's made no efforts to save up for one either. If he had put a little money aside each month since DC was born, he could have bought an engagement ring by now.

I guess the question is how long we wait? It's only a matter of time before the resentment brews and builds.

I think DP waits for everything to be 'perfect' before he even considers saving for a ring, but sometimes things can't be even close to perfect until the gesture is made in the first place.

I don't know about you but I just feel very unappreciated and under-valued, living like a wife, doing the cleaning, child-rearing, washing, working and yet no ring to show for it. I find it degrading.

aran. What if you said you don't need a ring ? Would he, like the soldier in the poem upthread, come up with another reason not to marry you, do you think?

I also think if you live together, have a child together and plan to get married, it makes sense to have joint finances, or at the very least save up for a wedding together. Engagement presents are part of the wedding expenses. In our case DH paid for my ring and I paid for an "engagement watch" for him, but if we had been short of money, it wouldn't have stopped us, we would have just got a cheap ring or no ring at all - getting engaged and married was more important to us than the material things.

Haven't read the whole thread but can relate.... Got the house first, then the dog, 2 kids, joint everything.....

Nearly 11 years I waited and he proposed whilst away for my 30th.

He was married when we met, and I always assumed he never wanted to remarry, and I was ok with that. But deep deep down, after friends started marrying off I realised I wanted a part of it!! We'd often spoke about it in a jokey way, eloping, vegas, etc. But I never thought he'd do it!! So was over the moon!

Definitely speak about it, like you said neither of you have anything to lose by talking (or marrying!)

I haven't read all 15 pages. Sorry.
I've been with my oh nearly 9 years. We have a school age child, have lived together for 8yrs. He's been engaged to three of his serious gfs before me but he won't even consider it with me. He said he only agreed because he was scared they would leave him if he didn't - I guess I should take some solace in the fact he feels secure enough that he doesn't have that fear with me.l but I find it a bit of a cop out. I'd quite like to be married to him but would hate a wedding and would still keep my name so maybe there is no point. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

For other posters in this position, who are pg or considering dc on the future, please give your dc your own name. If in fact you do get married further doen the line it is really easy to change your baby's name to your married name if that is what you want. If he really does intend to marry you later then it shouldn't he a problem for him that the child has your name. After all, it's only temporary, right?
And if in fact you don't get married then as the parent who is most likely to be the main carer in the event of a split, then at least you don't have the potential hassle of different last names.

I gave my ds1 my name when he was born. I did go on to marry dp and it really was very straightforward to change the name.

Agree completely with Hope, this really, really is the best thing to do.

Everyone I've known who gave the baby their DP's name seriously regretted it after, most even when they were still together but all of them after they split up.

It's very easy for you and DC to change your name to your DP's if/when you do marry, but almost impossible to change it from his to yours after (as the dad has to agree, and they never, ever do. It's a control thing, often).

I don't think the money would change his mind.

I don't think anything will change his mind.

Also we have joint finances. I know he could afford a ring if he saved for one. I've already said I wouldn't want anything expensive because I'd be to afraid of losing it and I couldn't be arsed taking it off every time I washed up. He maintains he couldn't afford a 'good enough' one. At this point I'd take a fucking onion ring.

I'm not married by choice, have two children who have my (male) partners surname. I don't mind and I don't have any regrets over this. I've also not encountered any issues. If we were married I wouldn't have changed my surname and I would still have given the children my partners surname. So I just wanted to point out that not everyone regrets making that decision.

"I think he understands the legal implications but doesn't think it's a big deal as I would get the house when he dies"

He really does not understand at all does he?. I think a Solicitor, if he bothers to see such a person, could well tell him different. Is this man actually bothered about anything other than his own self interest?.

If you have joint finances you could set up a savings fund yourself to be used for engagement presents as AnotherEmma described. So the issue of saving for a ring could easily be sorted out without any effort on your partner's behalf.

You said before that you save/he doesn't.

He would have less money to spend on himself if you weren't there, dutifully paying half the bills and saving for the futures of all three of you.

He maintains he couldn't afford a 'good enough' one. At this point I'd take a fucking onion ring

Yeah, his reason (EXCUSE) is a cop-out. You've already told him it's marriage you want, not a fancy ring. So he's insisting that he wants to buy you an expensive ring (that you don't even want) as a way of making sure it never happens. Would be interesting if he suddenly came into money. Something tells me another excuse would pop up.

You say he hasn't even started to save money for any reason, let alone a ring. It doesn't sound like the intention is even there.

I just don't get why he won't straight out say it if he doesn't want to marry, instead of hiding behind ridiculous excuses like a child.

TBH, I'd even be thinking about the joint finances with this man. You've pooled your entire life with this man who withholds something important from you without even giving you a reason why.

Yes but Speak, you're not married by choice and chose this situation. Which is entirely different to the OP and all the thousands of other women who had children on the pretense they'd get married to their DP "one day", and then their DP changed their mind after he got everything that suited him. Leaving the woman feeling like an inadequate outsider within their own family.

So not the same.

I was only referring to the surname issue, not everyone is bothered by having the same surname as their child.

Someone with two children who doesn't have savings (but is in a position to build up savings) sounds a bit lazy and selfish to me. He's not coming across well here at all.

Some people are just not good with money.

He may not be sensible but I don't think he's selfish with money at all.

He's shit at saving. If I asked him for £100 tomorrow, he'd give it to me without question.

Maybe selfish in not wanting to get married, not selfish with money.

I don't want to have to force him into saving for a ring.

I don't want to force him into anything.

Everyone suggesting I save for engagement presents start a wedding fund etc, that's not going to do anything other that probably put him off a bit more and make him think I'm mad.

I would think I was mad.

I know the money is an excuse.

*"I think he understands the legal implications but doesn't think it's a big deal as I would get the house when he dies"

He really does not understand at all does he?. I think a Solicitor, if he bothers to see such a person, could well tell him different. Is this man actually bothered about anything other than his own self interest?.*

Well he does understand c,early, because what he's saying is right.

If he dies I would automatically get the house, that much is true.

I'm not sure how being happy with me getting 'his half' is self interested if I'm honest?

I just don't get why he won't straight out say it if he doesn't want to marry, instead of hiding behind ridiculous excuses like a child

Well he has now hasn't he?

He's said he doesn't want to get married, he can't give me a reason.

He has straight out said he doesn't want to marry.

"His first child would end up with nothing."

Not true - without a will naming your child, his first child will get 50% of all his assets. Which let's face it, inclue your house

"If he dies I would automatically get the house, that much is true."

No it isn't! his half of the house is his asset - it would get split between both his children. You get Fuck All and plenty of it.

HTH

MrsJack no, as discussed on the thread, the split on death depends on the type of ownership.

If one of the joint tenants dies the property immediately passes to the other owner. This means individual owners can’t pass what they consider ‘their share’ of the property to a beneficiary in their will. Unless the co-owners are married or in a civil partnership, inheritance tax may still be payable.
Joint tenants must act as one in the eyes of the law. So, individual tenants would not have the option of only mortgaging their share of the property, for example. All of the tenants would have to take out a joint mortgage

From here - hoa.org.uk/advice/guides-for-homeowners/i-am-buying/buying-a-home-with-a-partner-or-friend-what-to-watch-for/

If we both died at the same time, the kids would get an equal split which is what we would both want anyway.....

If this website is wrong then perhaps you should let them know....

We're joint tenants. I'd get the house if he died.

He'd get it if I died.