House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

Jack.

If he dies first. I get the house.

Because we're not married if I die without a will, my estate goes straight to my one child.

His child would end up with fuck all.

I of course will not let that happen and we will both be writing wills.

If he dies before you, your child gets half of his estate. His other child gets half.

You were swept along by a load of romantic, indirect twaddle, chosing to believe like so many other idiots women, that he's different, he means it, he loves you blah blah blah, when the truth is he didn't, and while he may well love you, you're now having to face up to the fact that you've been suckered regarding the marriage. And that's painful to accept, but you're doing pretty well at being simultaneously self righteousness and whinging.

His estate? All he has is this house, and the stuff in it, half of which is mine.
He pays for half the car but it's in my name.

Please tell me what exactly the kids would get? I'd get the house.
So what would they get?

He has no savings so presumably they'd get half of what's in his current account, his iPad and his mobile. Oh and a play station.

I don't know what you're on about by all the 'I'm different' shit.

We agreed something - it hasn't happened.

I don't understand why you're so certain I won't get anything when I have provided you with the facts regarding the house!

Again, haven't rtft but I don't really understand why someone wouldn't name their reasons for not wanting to get married, if asked. Marriage is a lifelong commitment to be with one person (if you are in a monogamous relationship of course) which makes you next of kin and makes things a lot more straightforward legally if one of you dies. If you are happy to have a baby with someone, or get a mortgage, those are big commitments already so what is the problem with marriage? I can understand thinking it is patriarchal and if you both don't care about that legal protection then that's up to you. If DP didn't want to marry me and couldn't give a concrete reason, knowing the legal implications and that we have a child, I would presume he felt the relationship wasn't right and wanted to feel he could go and find someone else without the hassle of a divorce!

He's shit at saving. If I asked him for £100 tomorrow, he'd give it to me without question

I'm sure he would if he had it.

If he saved, he would be able to produce £100 tomorrow out of a savings account.

As he doesn't save, he may have just spent that £100 and then wouldn't have it to give you.

You can only borrow from a non-saver, if you ask them before their money has been spent.

Dozer yes he pays maintenance. He layer he amount that is recommended but we also buy clothes and shoes etc etc contribute to uniform and the like

I know nothing about having children, maintenance, legal stuff.

Did you mean he pays LOWER the amount that is recommended to his first child? Yet he still has more money than you to spend as he does not save? Where does it go if he doesn’t save it or give it towards maintenance?

Sorry if I am missing something fundamental here.

He pays the amount recommended and buys stuff on top.

Just because he doesn't save doesn't mean he current account us forever empty

He may not be sensible but I don't think he's selfish with money at all

But he used the excuse of not having money to buy a "good-enough" ring as a reason not to marry you.

He has the money to save for this ring and to give you what you want.

But he won't do it.

That's selfish, isn't it?

(of course, we both know the "good-enough" ring thing is an excuse anyway)

Yes it is selfish.

Just because he doesn't save doesn't mean he current account us forever empty

It's a joint account though?

If he'd give you the £100, couldn't he just save it for your future?

No toad. We have a joint account and a current account each.

Both wages in one account, bills paid, whatever's left split down the middle.

He does what he likes with his half, I do what I like with mine.

Having children and not having savings against an emergency in the future rather presumes that if something does happen, someone else will sort it out.

Selfish, immature, self-absorbed, whatever you call it, it's not a good thing to have kids and no cushion, no emergency plans.

Can I just make clear that I don't think it should be mandatory to save for everyone?!

Yeah great if he saved, but he doesn't. That's up to him surely?

Okay, I’m summarising this to get an overview of the this man. OP, please let me know if I’ve misunderstood anything:-

Your partner is in his early 30s
You’ve been together 4 years
You have a child/house/car/joint finances.
You save for your future and your child’s future
He chooses not to save (despite you earning comparable amounts)
He has parental rights for his child with you.
Your child together has his surname, not yours.

He would not agree to you changing your child’s surname if you asked.

You discussed marriage before and he led you to believe it was on the cards.

Now, he won’t marry you. Reasons given so far are:

“We will do it in time”
“We will get there eventually”
“Not yet”
“In a few years”
“What’s the rush?”
“It won’t change anything”
“I can’t afford a good-enough ring” (BUT HE DOESN’T SAVE)
“I’m not bothered about it”
“I want a proper wedding and we cannot afford that right now” (but he DOESN’T SAVE)

He refuses to have a frank discussion and even come clean about not wanting to do it. Lame excuses are all you seem to be getting.

He hasn’t looked into the legalities of anything and what is means for you, your child together and his first child. He doesn’t seem interested. You have to present him with each piece of information, because he won't do any research of his own.

Correct toad.

Yeah great if he saved, but he doesn't. That's up to him surely?

I don't have kids, but I expect I'd see money differently if I did.

There are so many emergencies that could come up, things they need, university later on. I think that would turn me into more of a saver.

It's not all about you any more, when you have kids.

You save, OP - I'm guessing you do this to have a cushion against problems. What is your partner's plan for something expensive breaking down? Getting into debt?

I think it's irresponsible to spend all your money every month and not have savings if you have other people financially dependant on you (in this case his children).

Some people are living close to the wire and can't save. Must be a terrible worry. Why you would induce that situation by not having savings is beyond me.

Aren't you pissed off that his plan if he gets made redundant is probably to live off you?!

IonaNE are you a part of the Iona Institute? The despicable Catholic pressure group?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iona_Institute

I don't know toad you'd have to ask him. I'm not his financial advisor!

He does what he likes with his half, I do what I like with mine

I know finances can be a touchy subject, but I think when you have children there should be more of an expectation to think "we have some money left over, what is the best thing we can do jointly with this, especially bearing in mind we have a youngster to bring up?"

Your partner has two children. Does he plan to contribute towards his first child's education later on or what?

At the moment, your partner is living a bit like a free and single man.

He doesn't want to marry.

He pays "mum" his contribution and spends the rest freely. "Mum" saves her half so that if something major breaks down in the house or the interest rates go up, she can sort it out. See - all the grown-up stuff falls to you.

That's up to him surely?

That's the trouble. Everything does seem up to him, indeed

batteries - no not really.

If I got into shit he'd help me. If he got into shit I'd help him. That's what couples do.

Yes it would be better if he saved, but he doesn't...

I could stick some money into savings before I split the 'spending money' I suppose.

I don't know toad you'd have to ask him. I'm not his financial advisor!

Nor am I, but what he does affects YOU, not ME.