House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

I haven't read every reply op, so apologies if this has been said.

Do you think the fact that his last relationship ultimately failed has given him a heightened awareness that even if you love someone a lot, even if you have a child with them and make commitments and promises, even if you fully expect to be together forever, feelings can change and relationships can end painfully.

Maybe he loves you absolutely but is realistic and knows that you might not always feel like this, and that marriage will make a separation more complicated.

Bert He's entitled to that view but that's no reason to stay with him if it means that the OP's sense of self worth is steadily eroded. In all likelihood if she gets ground down by it all she's not going to be the person he wanted to be with and that would probably see the end of the relationship.

It's fine if one half of the couple definitely doesn't want to get married and the other half would like to but being with the partner is more important to them. However if both halves have opposing views equally strongly held then the relationship is in serious trouble because of the difficulty in reaching a workable compromise.

There's nothing constructive in telling someone what they've done is wrong. The past is gone, you can't change that regardless of what anyone says or however you feel now.

Deal with what you know. You need to sort out legal formalities which you are well advised of. No one can direct you on what to do but ultimately you will be questioning this happy relationship. Only you know if you can carry on as you are knowing that the thing you want is not going to happen. My one small offering is make sure you keep your own career, stay ambitious...take every opportunity. You may find he's a less attractive option. I wish you the best especially as there's a little child between you.

He didn't have to give it much thought before did he? Easy to let you believe yes marriage one day. It made no difference to him did it? Letting you OP think as you did. Now you're tightening the timeframe trying to pin him down, you're finding out it was all hot air, romance and fine words

For me that'd be the end of things. He never meant it, other than in a "some time possibly" way and now he's having to be more explicit that "possibly" is "never"

Quite why it matters to you is a mystery to me but it clearly does.

I think you either find a way of accepting you'll remain unmarried with him, or start over with someone else but being v clear its marriage not cohabitation for you

Sorry you're in this position

The general just was yes we'll do it in a few years but we both wanted the house and baby first
Why? Why would you want a house and a baby first?
In any case if this is so then he'll remember it and you can hold him to his word.

OP, I am sorry but you are reaping the harvest of "not being really bothered about marriage" and "talking about it but not quite". You have given the child his surname, he has the house, the baby, the live-in partner - there is nothing else you can give him, so why would he marry you? Especially as he has form for not marrying the mother of his child. He was young when they got together you say? Well, people marry in their teens, too. They were "not that bothered"? Well, he wasn't bothered with you either. Still isn't.

You've asked how your child is affected by this. The answer is: by his mother feeling like this; feeling that she's not good enough to be a wife and will be just a girlfriend all her life.

I am not sure what you can do now (other than give an ultimatum). I agree with a poster who said somewhere on one of the first pages that it's marriage first, children and house afterwards.

I think we have all established that I should not have bought a house and had a child. Telling me that now is not useful, it doesn't help me, it just makes me feel worse.

I wouldn't say I was 'badgering' I have tried to get him to talk about it but he won't. He's not giving me any answers or reasons, there is no reason he just doesn't want to. He maintains that if I stop talking about it maybe one day we will do it. Ha ha. Yeah. Right.

He doesn't see why me wanting it should be any more important than him not wanting it.

I told him that made me feel like shit. And that I was worthless and that I fully expected him to leave, because he didn't seem to be at all interested and I clearly am not good enough to marry.

He said none of this was true and it wasn't anything personal. He said he wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be with me and wouldn't have bought a house and had a baby if he didn't intend to stay.

The fact is - he doesn't want to get married. Whether he has reasons or not, he doesn't want to. So I'm guessing we never will.

I will have to come to terms with that because I don't want to leave, I don't want to resent him for it but I'm sure I'll find it incredibly difficult to come to terms with.

I'm not sure what else I can do.
I guess I best get my arse to a solicitors tomorrow then. That should be fun. And they say romance is dead.

And AnotherEmma I haven't ignored anyone's comments. I've taken it all on board thanks.

Oh and neither of us want any more children so we won't be having any more.

Little rabbit I have been in your position as an older woman but still hoping for a happy second marriage. He eventually got engaged (which seems ridiculous) at our age, telling me he may be ready in 10 years time!! So humiliating. I was embarrassed to tell anyone.

I grew to resent him and ended it finally after many years. He really wasn't that bothered and seemed to accept it v quickly which was super upsetting. I know how you feel, the endless ruminating on why you are not "good enough" to marry. It really hurts.

Don't leave him over not wanting to be married. He is perfectly entitled to that view.

Why not?

He's definetly entitled to not want to get married and she's entitled to want to get married. One doesn't trump the other.

A relationship should be about the both parties getting what they want out of it. If not either party can end it, if the issue of disagreement is serious enough to them.

The OP would be well within her rights to leave a relationship where she isn't getting what she wants, although she isn't going to.

It's not actually down to him being honest or not. He could well have been being honest at the time and changed his mind.

OP - I think you're right not to discuss it with him anymore. Just put the M word to the back of your mind and off the table.

Although you want to get married, it's not a dealbreaker for you, so just try and be happy as best as possible, as you process everything.

Someone may have already said this, but discuss with him who you'd both want your DS to live with in the unlikely event of anything happening to the both of you. Then check that the person/people are okay with that.

One of the things your DP said is similar to what another chap said actually.

He said his GF was constantly going on about marriage and he had every intention of marrying her, but she kept going on according to him.

He wanted to propose in his own time and not off the back of her bringing it up every couple of months. So he told her to stop it. She did and he proposed.

Does he understand the legal and financial differences between being married and unmarried yet OP?

I haven't rtft but you can get wills done cheaply through will writing companies rather than going to a solicitor! Just google it! We did ours for £29.

HTH.

That would be a bad idea, since OP has the opportunity to tie the visit to the solicitor in with asking for advice about their unmarried situation generally. This calls for slightly more than a bare bones will drawn up by a non-expert, which for that price is what it will be. There are some excellent non-solicitor will writers out there, but someone charging £29 is unlikely to be one of them.

I think you are over reacting. He has never been interested in marriage and has always made that clear. He didnt want to get married before you had children. You have always known this. So it is a bit unfair to expect him to change now. You will ruin your relationship like this. 💐

Agree that you should take the opportunity to have a proper discussion with the solicitor about how best to protect yourself and your child and then structure your will and finances accordingly.
I'm really sorry rabbit that it is turning out this way. I think that this relationship is unlikely to go the distance if I'm honest because I think you see him differently now.

Good luck at the solicitors OP, I agree you need to talk to one rather than just using a cheap will writing service. There are other things to consider when you have a child together.

I hope that he steps up and signs what he needs to sign to make you and your child feel and be secure.

OP

I just wanted you to have something to be grateful for with this situation.

A friend lived with her DP for 12 years.
She wanted to get married and waited and waited for it. She also wanted children, but only when married. After 12 years she finally left realising marriage was never going to happen with him.

She got married to someone else, but by then her fertility had declined and she couldn't have kids.

So .... at least you have a DC no matter what else happens or doesn't. It might be small comfort, but I thought you needed a positive.🌹

Ah sorry, was just trying to save the OP money as we are unmarried (engaged with wedding planned) with a child and the will service worked for us. Plus we have put in place all other legal things until we actually get married. However, yes, I can see that OP is in a different position if they never get married. Ignore my advice!

I think you are over reacting. He has never been interested in marriage and has always made that clear. He didnt want to get married before you had children. You have always known this. So it is a bit unfair to expect him to change now. You will ruin your relationship like this. 💐

An yes over reacting over essentially being misled and made to believe someone had the intention of doing something, that they actually did not.

I don't think I'm over reacting at all.

Yes I know he wanted a house and a baby first, as did I. Marriage was always on the horizon, or so I thought/was told.

It is only recently post baby that I am getting impatient. Especially as he says he wants a big wedding (I see that is now balls) I thought he would have proposed by now so we could save for it for bloody years. It's only when I've brought it up recently that he has come clean if you like and I now know hat we will probably never get married.

So when you say I have always known this, I'm not sure what you mean because no I haven't always known this, or like I said, I wouldn't have bought a house or had a baby, I wouldn't have continued the relationship.

I am not expecting anyone to change, it is me that is being expected to change/compromise/give up on what I want. Not him.

I think you are over reacting. He has never been interested in marriage and has always made that clear. He didnt want to get married before you had children. You have always known this. So it is a bit unfair to expect him to change now. You will ruin your relationship like this. 💐

An yes over reacting over essentially being misled and made to believe someone had the intention of doing something, that they actually did not.

I don't think I'm over reacting at all.

Yes I know he wanted a house and a baby first, as did I. Marriage was always on the horizon, or so I thought/was told.

It is only recently post baby that I am getting impatient. Especially as he says he wants a big wedding (I see that is now balls) I thought he would have proposed by now so we could save for it for bloody years. It's only when I've brought it up recently that he has come clean if you like and I now know hat we will probably never get married.

So when you say I have always known this, I'm not sure what you mean because no I haven't always known this, or like I said, I wouldn't have bought a house or had a baby, I wouldn't have continued the relationship.

I am not expecting anyone to change, it is me that is being expected to change/compromise/give up on what I want. Not him.

Sorry for double post.

Yes sandy I am extremely glad I had my baby in that respect!

I think he understands the legal implications but doesn't think it's a big deal as I would get the house when he dies. To be fair he doesn't have anything else at the minute, (I choose to save, he doesn't) so in actual fact I'd get everything then when I died our baby would get it all. His first child would end up with nothing.

He doesn't see why I would argue so that his child would inherit instead of me getting it all! Maybe dear it is because I am not a selfish tosser

He says we will get wills written and whatever legal docs I want to get drawn up.

I just feel like this is all shit really, I shouldn't have to do this.

Do you think he might change his mind when he sees how much the solicitors fees will be for this? I believe its likely to be more expensive than a marriage licence and register office wedding.

Although probably not if he's fundamentally against marriage, I guess its not to do with the money.

I suppose littlerabbit, what you need to think about is what happens if you split up down the line. Wills, life insurance, pension etc can be drawn up to give you both that protection if the other passes away, but if you split what are you both entitled to? If you work full time and both own the house I imagine it's less of a worry, and you say neither of you want another baby. However, if you ended up working part time or being a SAHP at any point in the future and then you split, presumably without a divorce there would be no-one fighting your corner in court to ensure he compensates financially for your loss of earnings whilst looking after a child who he is jointly responsible for.
I'm not advocating for a second that you get married for legal protection if you split- that would be a terrible idea. But I guess if you find yourself making any decisions that could see you earning less money in future in order to look after the child you have together, bear in mind that if you split then DP will walk away with his salary and you will walk away with yours.