House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

Do you feel he's broken your trust OP and deliberately misled you about this?

That would make me upset, for sure.

I think what she was trying to say was, if that's what you wanted, you should have done that first. Before you had children.

But by having a child without getting married, and then giving the child his name, the incentive for him to get married is completely gone now.

It should have gone:

Him/you: I would really like to have a baby.
Him/you: I'd really like that too. Let's do it.
You: I'd want to be married before I had a child though.

Then it's his call what he wants to do about that.

But what the previous poster is pointing out is that there are some people who wouldn't have the child based on what they "thought" someone might do in future, esp if they already had form for doing the exact opposite. Especially if marriage were important to them. They would insist that a wedding take place OR they would leave and find someone who DOES want to be married. Not try to beat a square peg into a round hole by sheer force of will.

To tell people to fuck off merely because they are pointing out some hard truths is pretty immature. The fact is that many people want their lives to unfold in a certain order for example, courtship-marriage-cohabitation-children not courtship-children-cohabitation - so that is how they conduct themselves. They do not allow events to unfold in random order and then complain after the fact that things didn't happen as they wished.

A very good friend of mine was in this situation for 20 yrs.....in the end she smiled sweetly and said" I've decided the next time I have sex I will be married"....and they were married in months.small do small cost.but married none the less

I just give up he doesn't want to marry me. Can't tell me a reason why. Doesn't understand why I want to.

It's not gonna happen. I am not good enough. That's the conclusion I've come to.

I'm not ever going to talk about it again it hurts too much.

*Littlerabbitface
*
Can I join your gang?

After joining this thread, it got me really emotion and I had a little cry,
I now have decided he can wait for me if he ever bloody asks

I asked on chat about my dc school options, and if being unmarried would affect dc it doesn't

So now I think I'm just gonna let him squirm when I'm asked never him when are we getting married?
Because I'm always ready with a reply, like we have other priories at the minute, like debts to clear, or a newer car, or holiday

I've realised I have let him off lightly, he can now response to the uncomfortable questions I always get asked

Respond *

Need, of course you can.

I think that's a good idea and I'm going to do the same!

OP, A11 wrote a thoughtful post and gave you some very constructive advice, and you told her to fuck off. I had a lot of sympathy for you before but not any more. You are clearly frustrated about the situation but that is no excuse. If you feel that your partner misled you into believing that he would marry you (it's still not clear whether he actually said he would or whether you just hoped/assumed) then your angry should be directed at him, not people on here.

anger (not angry!)

As long as he has made a will, nominated you legally as his next of kin (and taken legal advice around this), ensured that all assets are in joint names and you are both confident that you are individually financially secure should you separate, or if anything should happen to either of you, the fact that he doesn't want to get married shouldn't be too much of a problem in practical terms.

This, unfortunately, is not necessarily the case. He can make a will and nominate OP as an NOK, but he can also revoke these provisions without telling her about them, and she won't have much of a comeback. OP if the assets are in joint names that will be protective for you, but be aware that you can be excluded from things like his estate and pension provision if he wants that, and you might not find out until he died. I'm not saying he will do this, just that he could. Are you joint tenants? I wouldn't hold as tenants in common in your situation.

It was unwise to plan a child with him before marriage, knowing marriage was important to you, but you know that and it's done now. If he won't marry you (is he aware of the legalities?) and you don't want to end the relationship over it, damage limitation. I think it's good you're going back to work FT. And do make sure you follow through on what you said about going to a solicitor. While a will won't give you the same protection as marriage, it'll give you more than the intestacy provisions.

Maybe it was thoughtful but it was rude and presumptive.

Rude? Says the woman who has been swearing at everyone who challenges her?!

We're joint tenants.

If he died the house would go to me.

Yes i was unwise/naive/an idiot.

I can't do anything about that now.

He won't marry me, there's nothing I can do except get legal stuff sorted.

Not that that will make me any happier

Put yourself in my situation and them imagine how hard it would be to be nice to someone who presumes you didn't have a conversation about marriage before you planned a baby, even though you've actually stated that at least twice.

And no I didn't just presume

We talked about it. The general just was yes we'll do it in a few years but we both wanted the house and baby first.

Now it's a never.

I couldn't have predicted this. I don't have a crystal ball :(

It might make you feel happier to feel more secure financially and legally than you are now OP. I know it's not what you want, but it's not nothing either.

Just a thought, but presumably you'll be going to a solicitor soon to draw up the wills. Could you ensure you raise the issue of what protections you can obtain outside marriage there? DP may not change his mind, but at least it will be an informed decision. It clearly isn't now.

In your position I would also not have more children outside marriage, should the issue arise.

You don't have to "be nice", you just have to refrain from saying fuck off.

If he promised and has now gone back on it without explaining why, that's not on at all.

But I have nothing to suggest other than what I've already suggested, which is that you insist on discussing it properly and get counselling if necessary.

I suggest you focus more on the constructive suggestions than the comments you disagree with. Many people (including myself) have posted supported comments which you seem to have mostly ignored in favour of arguing with others.

supportive comments

It's not gonna happen. I am not good enough. That's the conclusion I've come to.

That's not true at all. Please don't think this way or you'll allow the situation to damage your self esteem.

I do think if possible you should take your mind off any marriage discussion with him for at least 6 to 12 months.

In that time, maintain a decent social life and focus on you. Use the time to decide if you would really be happy with him forever if you never got married.

Imagine that he now said that he doesn't want to get married ever and is happy living this way. No excuses about wanting a big wedding or anything ... but he came clean.

Take time and decide whether in thus situation, you would ultimately be happy as a forever GF, or if you'd rather end things and start afresh in a new relationship leading to marriage.

One thing you shouldn't do, is to stay and resent him for not marrying you, when you had the chance leave. The bitterness will eat you up.

Don't stay with him and then years later regret not leaving, when you were younger and had more options.

Well I couldn't stay with a guy who treated me like that, that's for sure.

I remember reading on the relationship board something like... 'Saying 'the rest of the relationship is great' is like someone making you this delicious meal and then shaving shit all over it. No matter how good the ingredients, how perfectly cooked, you're still being served up shit on a plate and expected to swallow it'

Not a perfect recollection but something like that. It stayed with me as a good analogy for how one thing can (perfectly legitimately) spoil a whole relationship

Don't leave him over not wanting to be married. He is perfectly entitled to that view.

Leave him, if you do, because he wasn't honest with you, and refuses to talk about it.

Have you been badgering him OP? I'm sorry if I'm wrong but that's the impression I'm getting. Some of your posts indicate that you are posting soon after 'talking' to him about it.