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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP didn't show up.

150 replies

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 10/07/2016 20:39

I like to keep these things short and to the point.

Had planned to spend a very very rare weekend alone with DP. Been over a year since we last had the chance to and this week I really really need it after a relative has been diagnosed with cancer. Need a good shoulder and all that. :(

WE don't live together but have been together for 2 years.

This has been planned for a good 4-5 mths. DC has SEN so we have to plan things like this.

Wasted all of Friday - he was meant to take the day of work and didn't tell me he couldn't until friday :( and would be here friday at 10pm. Fine but I woke up sat AM and he wasn't here. He has a key.

Wasted all of Saturday morning waiting thinking he would get an early AM start instead. He lives in another city and it takes 3 hours to get here. This has happened before because of weather/working late because of a deadline etc.

Got a message at lunchtime saying he was ill and 'will be down later on'. Got to 4pm and he still wasn't here so I had to call and cancel the surprise meal I'd planned. Fucking embarrassing to say your OH wasn't in town :(

I've been left alone, had to cancel the restaurant I had planned for sat eve - embarrassing to say your partner hasn't shown up :( and its now sunday evening and I've heard fuck all.

I'm flipping between absolutely furious and really not bothered at all.

Just feel so awfully let down and want to punch him for making me feel so terrible. I haven't even gone out and it has made this whole weekend so pointless.

I don't even know if I can get past this. It feels like a massive betrayal and I don't know If i'm being oversensitive right now or not. (period, plus sick relative etc)

OP posts:

Dutchcourage · 12/07/2016 15:11

op sounds fishy. His name isn't James is it?

Original poster

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 12/07/2016 18:17

no, his name isn't james. Still haven't had chance to talk properly. DC is here and well... with the family health and now this... Trying not to cause any anxiety.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2016 20:32

He surely could well have been having mini-strokes before which could be why he wasn't behaving as he should have been on the Friday.

Benefit of the doubt till you can speak to him properly?

YouAreMyRain · 12/07/2016 20:38

Ok so he was/is ill (hope he's ok)

BUT

he didn't turn up on Friday

Contact you

Even though he managed to contact a friend.

If he had any concern for you, he would have contacted you or asked his friend to contact you on his behalf.

Five days after I met ExP for the first time, I became seriously ill, I was ambulanced to hospital, in severe pain on gas and air and morphine (refused to let go of the gas and air until the morphine kicked in) I had peritonitis and I nearly died.
I still managed to contact ExP to say "sorry I can't ring you tonight as agreed but I'm in hospital"

BeckyMcDonald · 12/07/2016 20:47

It sounds like a made-up load of shit TBH OP. People who make these kind of excuses (a stroke 'of some kind') is serious enough to shut you up and ensure you don't complain, but vague enough for him to never really know what happened and not ever have to have any serious follow-up medical problems.

I think he's talking bollocks. I think he maybe did go to hospital with a virus but I don't think he was incapacitated. I think he just couldn't be arsed coming to see you.

Sorry.

AyeAmarok · 12/07/2016 21:03

It sounds like he doesn't consider you a priority. I'd rethink whether I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who seemed so unfussed.

I hope he gets well soon.

trappedinsuburbia · 12/07/2016 21:15

Hi OP, my ex had a stroke years ago and felt very very unwell for the day before it, there is no way he could have driven, he didn't call me either which was very unusual and I actually had his door put in as he hadn't been to work either. He could have been confused/very ill on the Friday and had the stroke then, I think my ex went to bed and had the stroke whilst he was asleep and collapsed when he tried to get up the next day/during the night. Just because he was taken to hospital on the Saturday doesn't mean thats when it happened iyswim.

Original poster

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 12/07/2016 21:16

I have spoken to him. The symptoms of the mini stroke he has had before and he was here with me when it happened but we didn't know it was that. He got back here and slept but was clearly not with it. We assumed it was a virus because he woke up OK.

The DRs have explained it is likely he has had warning symptoms before and there are follow ups to come including some lifestyle changes that need to be addressed immediately.

He is panicked and scared he will have a full stroke and actually have some very lasting damage. Thankfully this time he is physically and mentally OK atm apart from the obvious shock of it all :/

Still not making any decisions about it just yet because i would be stupid to do so and I just want to get end of term out the way (5 more days)

OP posts:

trappedinsuburbia · 12/07/2016 21:20

Confusion would have come with that OP, I wouldn't make any hasty decisions.

Floggingmolly · 12/07/2016 21:45

I either wouldn't believe, or be extremely angry to find out my partner had had a stroke; and managed to tell a friend to "bring clothes" (wtf?) but not get anyone to contact me.
Especially as you had plans and you were basically sitting there waiting for him to show up

Montane50 · 12/07/2016 23:05

I feel so sorry for the awful situation you are now in. You seem to have your hands full with your dc, and your dp is now facing a life changing event (with a possibility that if he doesn't improve his lifestyle, a full blown stroke may happen and needing a lot of care). Sit tight, no big decisions, but please remember -he potentially had the opportunity to contact you but chose not to (a mini stroke didn't make him work on Friday for instance ), if you need to walk away personally id do it now before you are trapped.

TokenGinger · 12/07/2016 23:47

I was also going to ask if his name was James!

SandyY2K · 13/07/2016 00:12

I think you have or he has a good reason on this occasion. Strokes do affect memory and cognitive skills, so he would not have necessarily had clear thinking.

A couple of people have mentioned you being his next of kin ... I didn't see where you said that you are.

Strokes are very serious and I hope he's going to be okay.

EmNetta · 13/07/2016 00:48

Would someone please tell me why the man might be called James?
Hope everyone (yourself included) is feeling better soon OP.

TendonQueen · 13/07/2016 02:05

Whatever actually happened - and I also find the story fishy - you're right to be that he didn't contact you. In fact, do you know all this as a result of you trying again to get hold of him? So at no point since Saturday did he try to contact you? You're not a priority in his life. Foolish of him because you sound like a good person to have around. I would be very cautious about how you proceed, and don't feel obliged to do anything on the basis of illness. His hospital notes or discharge form, when he leaves, would give you some insight into it if you're able to look at them.

Backintheday2016 · 13/07/2016 05:26

Do you actually believe him op?

Dutchcourage · 13/07/2016 11:53

em that was me!

This excuse sounds very familiar to an ex of mine who went missing over a weekend he was due to spend with me.

Radio silence the day he was due up till a few days after. Was on deaths door, got to hospital in and out of consciousness, on a drip was like that the whole weekend. Never once thought about letting me know or asking some one to let me know as I would be going out of my mind.

I believed him but he was lying. One of many infact.

EmNetta · 13/07/2016 13:35

Thanks Dutchcourage - I thought it might be some in-joke I'd missed - but so sorry you had similar experience .I assume you unloaded him when you found out, and hope you've now found someone worthwhile and can laugh about it.

Original poster

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 13/07/2016 17:49

All I know is he was asleep/out of it from Friday into Saturday. Passed out after the message I was sent Saturday. Woke up and he called an ambulance and was in for several days.

The friend who brought the clothes was the neighbour apparently.

Doesn't matter anyway. I've decided to end it.

He was discharged from hospital and I've tried to call and he's not answering again. SO yeah. I'm living like a single person, being treated like one. Might as well make it official.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 13/07/2016 17:53

That's fucking shit OP. Very uncool hugs for you.

Dutchcourage · 13/07/2016 17:55

Montane50 · 13/07/2016 20:48

Huge hugs, i think this is the best call x

GeekyWombat · 13/07/2016 21:08

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP.

Sending you good thoughts. And

Lweji · 13/07/2016 21:16

Yes, no excuse this time.

FreeFromHarm · 14/07/2016 10:52

I am so sorry, think you have made the right decision, take care of yourself and dc's

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