Please help - husband didn't come home when everyone left. I think I'm having panic attacks

[Feelinglost1919]

Hi, please help me.

Husband was out with friends last night. Very rare night out. I was ringing him at about 11pm, no answer. I then see his friend, who he was with, is online on whatsapp. I ask a friend when are they planning to go home and I can't get hold of a husband.

To my surprise the friend says he just got home and my husband left 40mins before him. So my husband left over an hour ago and not home and not answering. We live 10 mins away

I've gone into panic mode ringing H who eventually calls me after a string of messages. Said he's in a taxi home. This would've been 1.5 hrs since he left everyone and said he's going home.

He has told me he has left everyone but bumped into some guys he made friends with and stayed for another hour. Doesn't make sense to me. When he leaves the bar he's had enough and going home, why make friends with randomers and drink with them.

Back story: A year ago we went to a brother and had a threesome (with an escort), and I just now thought this probably really relaxed him at how... "Cool" I am with things?? By the way threesome was my idea as I have been curios for years. We seemed keen but afterwards we thought it didn't live up to our expectations (it all seemed seedy and not lusty as we hoped).

I have been shaking uncontrollably and my heart is beating so so strongly it's like it's going to jump out of my chest. My breathing is shaky and I keep bursting into tears.

I just don't understand where he was for that 1.5hrs? I don't buy his story. I think he could've gone to a brothel... He was drunk and we have been arguing me telling him to come home, and I just think he went there for an hour? He cannot believe I would even come up with this idea, I asked his phone to check locations he was happy for me to. I didn't as heart rate started beating even faster and I felt light headed. He seems normal but I also know if he has cheated, he would be putting the best acting skills of his life on at the moment, as our marriage depends on it and we are usually very happy.

I'm sorry this is long and just all over the place. Please help me with any ideas, it's been hours and I can't calm down. I think deep inside I will need to check his phone somehow to find out the truth (with his permission of course). My head tells me I'm being crazy but my heart won't rest.

We are buying a house next week and ttc.

What fastday said

Was it really your idea to have a 3some? Or is it possible he planted the seed in your head?

What an infantilising comment! Is it not conceivable that a woman could actually feel curious enough to have a threesome experience without being prompted to do so by a man?

*infantilizing

I feel for you but you are BU in my view and this looks like a bit of an over-reaction. If you want your marriage to work I would move on, avoid picking holes in this story as it's making you paranoid and concentrate on your future home together.

He was drunk on a rare night out, you were at home sober and stressing about a house move. You can't account for an hour of his time - so what? Haven't we all lost a few hours we can't account for after a few drinks?

Like someone else on here says, you either trust him or you don't.

I do think it's odd that your thought has gone straight to brothel. Not wanting to plant seeds but surely more likely to be ONS or strip club? Anyway, it could be just as he said but you need to talk to him once he has sobered up and tell him how worried you were. Is he up yet?

I don't think the seed-planting suggestion is infantalising at all.

A normal, decent man would not go along with his curious/adventurous/biggirlinher30snow () wife to exploit some poor woman working in a parlour.

Yuck.

Ocelot the weirdo comment was about getting the names wrong not your sexuality and I actually posted it before I saw your correction. Shoulda put a 😉 After it tho sorry

Testing....

OP if you're still here and would like to ask any questions, feel free to PM me (DH and I swing, and have done for many years, and I also do a little PT independent escorting work as well) Everyone else, please put away the judgy pants (we can agree to disagree?)

Lots of sex worker negativity on here. Personally I think the most likely explanation is the one he gave, but other posters are right that your bigger issue is why you have immediately gone into panic stations. Don't look at his phone, talk to him. You know him better than any of us, just because you had a 3 some a year ago consensually doesn't mean he would then cheat. It was only an hour, a drunken chat to a random on the way out the door seems most likely to me (drunken random chatter here!)

Lots of sex worker negativity on here

That's hardly surprising though is it? I'd say on MN in general there's much less than in RL - but then MN Land does seem to have it's own rules.

I don;'t know anyone in RL who thinks sex work is okay, certainly don't know a single woman who would go with her partner to a brothel. I don't think it's MNland, I think it's pretty normal to find it distasteful to pay a woman to have sex with you, your partner or both.

Posie that's what I meant - in ML land there seems to be a lot of 'support' for sex workers, ie understanding and head nodding and talk of how exploited they all are.

Whereas in RL they are generally seen as the lowest of the low.

I know no one in RL who thinks that sex workers are the lowest of the low

What a horrible expression. I must live in MN land!

Ah well if you don't know anyone in your immediate circle it must be true Given the response the OP has got here for admitting going to a sex worker it's hardly surprising people aren't particularly forth coming! Ten years ago I would have likely had the same down the line negative response but since then have met sex workers (hellooo drunken random chatter) and read a lot (Brooke Magnati writes very sensibly about sex worker rights and the stats on trafficking vs. people choosing sex work etc., she is a scientist and breaks down the stats convincingly) and have definitely broadened my own horizons to think outside of my own lived experience. Not something I would personally choose for my own relationship but there are plenty of consenting adults out there working as or going to sex workers so clearly there are lots of people that think differently and as long as it's consensual and safe I shall keep my judgeypants out of sight!

I've got most of my knowledge of sex work by helping out a charity that helps get them off the streets and reading survivor stories.

Very admirable, thank you for your good work. But there are still people who choose sex work and choose to use sex workers who aren't on the streets and in dire situations and their voices are important too IMO

I'm not saying it to be admirable. Just wanted to challenge the notion that people who find sex work rather distasteful are not ignorant people who have never met any.

I also know "choice" sex workers, most of them are lap dancers, very young, being told they're the only one in their bosses bed and now on amphetamines.

*I know no one in RL who thinks that sex workers are the lowest of the low

What a horrible expression. I must live in MN land!*

Are you seriously suggesting we live in a world where sex workers, or 'prostitutes' as they are more commonly referred to, are treated with any respect whatsoever?

Not sure you and I live in the same world actually.

No idea why you would refer to a group of human beings as the lowest of the low even if you're supposedly just reporting other people's opinions.

feeling how are you today? Have you resolved /found anything out ?

Well. I've had a rather pleasant time reading through this incredible story and at this point I think it's appropriate for me to give my views on the story, even though I am a year late, (lol good bants guys). I'm going to make this as simple as possible
Threesomes: Okay
Prostitutes: Sort of Okay?
Buying a house: Yeah it's alright mate
Buying a house with someone you think is cheating on you: Even better
anyway What's the story guys? Was he cheating on you?
I didn't read all of that trash just to not know. Seriously I need closure or else this will haunt me for days, months, maybe years!
Kind Regards
Resident Mother to be ;)

ZOMBIE BANTS

How the hell have you gone from a perfect man in the perfect relationship, to he might have gone to a brothel on the way home from a night out.

It sounds like your cool wife experiment has backfired big time because even though the threesome was your suggestion, its opened up the reality that your H is open to sex with another woman.

He could be cheating or he could be telling the truth but the genie is well out of the bottle now and the eye watering amount you spent on a prostitute, is nothing compared to the price your relationship is paying.

You need to reaffirm your relationship boundaries and that has to start with his complete honesty about where he was last night.