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Original poster

Please help - husband didn't come home when everyone left. I think I'm having panic attacks

153 replies

Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 13:40

Hi, please help me.

Husband was out with friends last night. Very rare night out. I was ringing him at about 11pm, no answer. I then see his friend, who he was with, is online on whatsapp. I ask a friend when are they planning to go home and I can't get hold of a husband.

To my surprise the friend says he just got home and my husband left 40mins before him. So my husband left over an hour ago and not home and not answering. We live 10 mins away

I've gone into panic mode ringing H who eventually calls me after a string of messages. Said he's in a taxi home. This would've been 1.5 hrs since he left everyone and said he's going home.

He has told me he has left everyone but bumped into some guys he made friends with and stayed for another hour. Doesn't make sense to me. When he leaves the bar he's had enough and going home, why make friends with randomers and drink with them.

Back story: A year ago we went to a brother and had a threesome (with an escort), and I just now thought this probably really relaxed him at how... "Cool" I am with things?? By the way threesome was my idea as I have been curios for years. We seemed keen but afterwards we thought it didn't live up to our expectations (it all seemed seedy and not lusty as we hoped).

I have been shaking uncontrollably and my heart is beating so so strongly it's like it's going to jump out of my chest. My breathing is shaky and I keep bursting into tears.

I just don't understand where he was for that 1.5hrs? I don't buy his story. I think he could've gone to a brothel... He was drunk and we have been arguing me telling him to come home, and I just think he went there for an hour? He cannot believe I would even come up with this idea, I asked his phone to check locations he was happy for me to. I didn't as heart rate started beating even faster and I felt light headed. He seems normal but I also know if he has cheated, he would be putting the best acting skills of his life on at the moment, as our marriage depends on it and we are usually very happy.

I'm sorry this is long and just all over the place. Please help me with any ideas, it's been hours and I can't calm down. I think deep inside I will need to check his phone somehow to find out the truth (with his permission of course). My head tells me I'm being crazy but my heart won't rest.

We are buying a house next week and ttc.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/07/2016 16:22

I fall asleep on my phone all the time. I'm not hiding anything!

Has he cheated on you, or previous partners, before? Do you have any indication that he'd like to use an escort on his own?

Was he just an hour late?

It seems a huge jump to go from him being late to using a prostitute.

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 16:26

The fact that you were the one who instigated the threesome so presumably were the one dissatisfied with your sex life not him I suspect is fuelling this paranoia and if he has told you the truth is far more damaging as you are telling him you don't trust him. . Think how you'd feel in his shoes if that's the case.

Doinmummy · 10/07/2016 16:26

Seems a lot of grief for being an hour late . Hmm

Fidelia · 10/07/2016 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notapizzaeater · 10/07/2016 16:28

If he was drunk he might have just fallen asleep with it under him.

If my DH had a missing hour it wouldn't cross my mind he'd done something dodgy. Has he form for it ?

fastdaytears · 10/07/2016 16:28

He spent a weekend alone in Devon recently .....I didn't fancy it. He could have shagged half the county but I know he didn't

He really could have. We're pretty slutty down that way...Grin

mummyto2monkeys · 10/07/2016 16:29

Fuck off yourself Whatthefreak, you have no idea that she wasn't! Unless you are the escort?! So it's seen as acceptable to pay a prostitute for a threesome is it? Threads on here about porn go on about objectifying woman, this is taking it to a whole other level.

Having read several articles about sex workers who have been trafficked into the UK on the promise of work. Are fed heroin until they are hooked and then are stuck in a repeat cycle where in order to feed their habit, they need to keep selling themselves. I was shocked that op would choose to go down that route.

As I said in my first post, there are websites where people can hook up for threesomes with like-minded individuals.(I'm pretty sure Tinder is used this way) They are consenting adults, and whilst I wouldn't do it myself, I see nothing wrong with three consenting adults who have openly and legally decided to have a threesome. (I do think it is still very dangerous to let another person into your marriage bed and would have thought it was more likely to be something couples who were not exclusive would likely to do.) I very naively thought that paying a prostitute to have sex was the sort of thing men who already objectify woman would do. I honestly never imagined another woman (never mind a married couple) would actively visit a brothel. In fact OP, I think that you likely would have felt less seedy had you arranged a threesome with another woman who actually wanted to have sex with you, instead of doing it just for the money.

OP, I really hope that your husband isn't cheating on you, and that you can start open dialogue about what you are and aren't prepared to put up with.

OnionKnight · 10/07/2016 16:30

I think that you're paranoid and over reacting.

whirlwinds · 10/07/2016 16:39

I think you might be working yourself up like a wall of protection for the worst case scenario, and maybe a tad of cold feet for the house you are buying next week. This is very dramatic, you have been together for 10 years, he has said what he did last night and you can verify this on his phone. Stop torturing yourself and get this done with, just tell him that you are freaking out and just need to look at his phone and get answers if there is something you find weird.

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 16:40

I think the logic is that as it is a business transaction there's less chance of comeback if say the other woman took a shine to the husband (or wife). It's a dangerous game to play unless you have an open marriage or are very secure in your relationship though. As the OP said not lusty more like lousy sex and can highlight insecurities.

fastdaytears · 10/07/2016 16:43

mummy there are definitely sex workers who are working voluntarily and without having been trafficked anywhere...

Not saying this was a good move by the OP but your post makes a lot of slightly hysterical assumptions

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 16:47

Trafalgar, Anchor and Doinmummy, please not see it as 'I couldn't get hold of him and went psycho'. The problem is his friend, who was with him, said H left she's before them - and they were all in bed already. There were worried were the hell has the H disappeared to. It's different. We go on stag/hen dos and it's never, ever a problem. See if your H doesn't answer the phone and his friend casually tell you he went home ages ago (though he lives 10mins away).

Anchor being late -> using a prositute. Not really. He went to his stag do abroad and I remember people asking if I was worried - I never was! Would even enter my brain.

Trafalgar I wouldn't say because I felt like a dare devil and 'tried' a 3some means I'm unsatisfied if mu sex life. It was something that I would be 'ew' in my teenage years, but felt more comfortable with idea as I grew older. Do all ppl curious about 3somes - are unhappy with their sex life? You could say that about ppl using a vibrator. Or even a cock ring.

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/07/2016 16:50

Yes, hysterical certainly sums it up well!

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 16:53

Trafalgar that's spot on - we didn't want a woman going crazy or OTT or just pushing boundaries too much. We thought an escort would never do that and be professional
Oh well it was boring and not tiny bit exciting

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/07/2016 16:53

I didn't say you were a psycho. I was just trying to work out where the idea that he'd be with a prostitute had come from. It is a very random thing to decide. Statistically it is much more likely that he picked up a one night stand from the pub and had sex somewhere, if he did cheat.

His friend said he'd left because presumably your husband said goodbye to people and left the table, not because he walked out of the pub. It would be quite possible that he didn't make it and started talking to someone else. Most people on a night out will say goodbye and then go back to their own drinks/conversations.

He could have gone to a brothel. You could prove it using his location history or search history, but he could have wiped them. You could look at bank accounts, but he might have cash on him. You could ask him, but he's already said he wasn't, and you risk him feeling very upset and offended at the proof you need to be able to trust him.

Had he slept with a prostitute before? Is there something that makes you think he'd do it again, alone? Thinking he'd sleep with one to get back at you for arguing means he can't be that nice, that's not a nice thing to do.

I suppose the overarching question is; is he likely to have slept with a prostitute last night, or is this an insecurity that has been created by the threesome and there's no real basis for believing it?

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 16:55

Yes all three are saying you aren't satisfied with what you are currently getting and are looking for something different or better. Curiosity is basically a conviction the grass must be greener somewhere else.

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 16:59

Crowded bar , H walks out ahead of his mates or even with them. Much beer consumed so he pops into the gents (guys don't usually go two by two the way women do so tend not to announce it). Friends assume he has gone, on the way rom the gents to the door there's some random banter and he stays....... Is this a more or less likely scenario in your head ?

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/07/2016 17:00

if you and your dh decided to have a threesome then thats up to you and dh, no one should judge you

and tbh prob best you did it with a stranger/prostitute rather then a common friend, which can throw up lots of problems

you can ask him when sober, check his phone (if you feel you must) and then either believe him if he says no or you will always be doubting

if he did then assume would have paid cash so look at bank statements for extra withdrawals

or maybe he really did talk to others and stagger home - did he walk, get dropped off via a cab (you could ring them all and ask if they dropped off at your address) tho seems stalkerish to do that

LockedOutOfMN · 10/07/2016 17:03

You need to ask him to explain what happened and then see whether you believe his account.

Sorry for all the stick you're getting for the threesome. I think another poster used the term, "hysterical". Sounds about right.

Doinmummy · 10/07/2016 17:04

I wonder if his mates will ask him where he got to ?

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 17:05

Mummy2two, I have researched everything online, there a THOUSANDS of couples waiting for a 3some with a woman. That just doesn't happen, don't believe the advertising. If you're an OK single woman - why would you go round have sex with couples. Esp for free. I'm telling you it's all fake profiles. An easy going single woman doesn't wanna get involved couples.
After years, I was drunk one night and we found the most expensive brothel (doesn't excuse the seediness, I know), and the woman charged us a weekly wage we earn, and it's not little. It might go to the Mafia boss, but prices were eye watering

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/07/2016 17:06

How did you pay? Do you suspect he went back to the same place?

KoalaDownUnder · 10/07/2016 17:06

Yes, ask him.

For what it's worth, I think it's a bit fishy and you should trust your instincts.

LIZS · 10/07/2016 17:09

I'd suspect his mates know who he left with or at least have tipped him off that you rang them.

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 17:11

That's a great idea. He got uber home. So I can see exactly where he got it from as brothels won't be near bars because he was at fancy bars and uber would tell me his pick up. Maybe that's why he was clinging his phone. He's out working atm but I start to shake violently when I think of checking his phone. I'm very bad with coping with stress.

OP posts: