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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - husband didn't come home when everyone left. I think I'm having panic attacks

153 replies

Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 13:40

Hi, please help me.

Husband was out with friends last night. Very rare night out. I was ringing him at about 11pm, no answer. I then see his friend, who he was with, is online on whatsapp. I ask a friend when are they planning to go home and I can't get hold of a husband.

To my surprise the friend says he just got home and my husband left 40mins before him. So my husband left over an hour ago and not home and not answering. We live 10 mins away

I've gone into panic mode ringing H who eventually calls me after a string of messages. Said he's in a taxi home. This would've been 1.5 hrs since he left everyone and said he's going home.

He has told me he has left everyone but bumped into some guys he made friends with and stayed for another hour. Doesn't make sense to me. When he leaves the bar he's had enough and going home, why make friends with randomers and drink with them.

Back story: A year ago we went to a brother and had a threesome (with an escort), and I just now thought this probably really relaxed him at how... "Cool" I am with things?? By the way threesome was my idea as I have been curios for years. We seemed keen but afterwards we thought it didn't live up to our expectations (it all seemed seedy and not lusty as we hoped).

I have been shaking uncontrollably and my heart is beating so so strongly it's like it's going to jump out of my chest. My breathing is shaky and I keep bursting into tears.

I just don't understand where he was for that 1.5hrs? I don't buy his story. I think he could've gone to a brothel... He was drunk and we have been arguing me telling him to come home, and I just think he went there for an hour? He cannot believe I would even come up with this idea, I asked his phone to check locations he was happy for me to. I didn't as heart rate started beating even faster and I felt light headed. He seems normal but I also know if he has cheated, he would be putting the best acting skills of his life on at the moment, as our marriage depends on it and we are usually very happy.

I'm sorry this is long and just all over the place. Please help me with any ideas, it's been hours and I can't calm down. I think deep inside I will need to check his phone somehow to find out the truth (with his permission of course). My head tells me I'm being crazy but my heart won't rest.

We are buying a house next week and ttc.

OP posts:
Dontyoulovecalpol · 10/07/2016 17:53

Sorry my post was jumbled. I meant it's not ridiculous to suffer a panic atta me but where you are is- pull yourself together.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 10/07/2016 17:53

Panic attack

pocketsaviour · 10/07/2016 17:57

For future reference, OP, your threesome might have gone more satisfactorily if you'd used an independent escort who is genuinely bisexual, rather than going to a parlour, where workers are more likely to be exploited.

As to what's happening now - you're going to have to take a deep breath and have a look, because you're already in bits and it's not going to be any better the longer you leave it. trafalgar is spot on, you have nothing to lose.

TTC-ing can be very stressful. Are you taking clomid or other hormones to help with that? I completely flipped out when I was on clomid, became totally irrational, paranoid and just all round anxious. If you are, maybe review with your GP or gynae consultant.

WallisSimpson11 · 10/07/2016 17:58

You had a threesome with some random person and you want our help- are you for real?!
Lie in your bed- you made it. There are people with far more serious problems than yours- in fact yours is not a problem- seesh!

RubbishMantra · 10/07/2016 17:58

Was it really your idea to have a 3some? Or is it possible he planted the seed in your head?

Lookatyourwatchnow · 10/07/2016 18:00

For your own sake, you need to make a decision to either covertly look through his phone today, or believe that he just stayed out late chatting. Anything in between is going to eat away at you

GabsAlot · 10/07/2016 18:01

blokes are weird though

my husband went out one night one of them was off his trolley they let him walk home alone found out next day he slept in a bush onthe side of the roadall night

theymight have thought he went home but were confued/drunk-they honeslty dont care how their mates get homeunlike us women

but the only way youre going to know for sure i by looking at the account u need to know even if u dont wantto

LuluJakey1 · 10/07/2016 18:02

I think this thread proves the point that none of us can conceive what might go on in someone else's marriage.

Fidelia · 10/07/2016 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/07/2016 18:10

i call taxis, not uber, not sure what the diff is

but agree you need to check his account and see where pick up was and hopefully will ease your mind and you sleep, or you know dh did have sex/wank etc by someone else if postcode shows that

Proudmummytodc2 · 10/07/2016 18:15

Hiya if you want to check uber send receipt to your registered email it tells you where pick up was from and where drop off was and the time they picked you up and dropped off I've used uber and they always send me a receipt to my email if that help

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 18:16

Actually not knowing is probably worse than knowing at least you know what you are .....or aren't ..dealing with.

KindDogsTail · 10/07/2016 18:26

Feelinglost1919 Sun 10-Jul-16 15:19:06
Northernlurker ?
I guess everyone's appalled by the escort story, which was a wrong thing to do

I think you were very brave to admit it here, and now for the future you will be aware of how crossing boundaries like that has so many more implications and consequences than you might have thought.

I think you better not buy the house next week. I think if you were looking for more lustiness, as a thing on its own, to the extent you were willing to involve a third person, it is possible the relationship itself is not strong enough emotionally for a a family.

That decision to hire an escort for a threesome hints that you might have misinterpreted a sense of emptiness as a need for more sex instead of the need to be more together in some other more mutually supporting and emotional way.

You must be very worried and upset now that you are shaking.Flowers Whether or not you find out he went to see a prostitute, something in your whole being is telling you something somewhere is very wrong.

ocelot41 · 10/07/2016 18:28

Trafalfargal, are you bicurious? If so, are you comfortable with that? Because it does sound a bit like you are expecting 'punishment' for what you did. I feel for you - its OK to fancy men and women and it doesn't necessarily mean your marriage has to break.

Serialweightwatcher · 10/07/2016 18:36

I'm not judging about the brothel business, although I could never consider it for the simple reason that I would be sooo jealous if DH ever went near anyone else. You feel proper poorly just assuming he may have visited without you, so how could you bear him to touch someone else even though you were there at the time? Just don't understand how it's ever okay but that's me.

Heidi42 · 10/07/2016 18:36

How very cheap and sordid........ Meh!

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 18:37

Me? Not sure where your assumptions are coming from ? What did I do and what am I expecting punishment for ........or are you mixing up usernames ?

ocelot41 · 10/07/2016 18:37

Sorry, my post was meant to be for feeling lost. But posted wrong because, you know, Wine

Doinmummy · 10/07/2016 18:40

On the house buying front ... Are you actually in the full process of buying a house eg are you due to exchange contracts next week ?

Renotry · 10/07/2016 18:41

Uhm, I have to say I'd feel pretty suffocated and controlled if I came home and my partner demanded to know where I'd been for an hour and wanted to look through my phone and location details. I have never cheated and I don't think I ever will, I have nothing to hide; however the principle of that to me is not acceptable.

When this thread popped up it reads as "my husband didn't come home...", then you click in and it turns out he stayed out an extra hour. I really don't see an issue with it, especially as you say he's with you almost every night and doesn't go out for months. Who's decision is that, yours or his? Maybe you two should give a little freedom and breathing room, being in a relationship doesn't mean you shouldn't do your own things separately.

Also I'd seriously reconsider buying a house with/having a child with someone that you are so quick to accuse of cheating because an hour of his life was unaccounted for by you. You have some serious insecurities & trust issues in your relationship and will only be exacerbated by a child.

SandyY2K · 10/07/2016 18:42

Uber usually email you an invoice for the journey. Do you have access to his email account?

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 18:42

I'm very comfortable in my own sexuality though but thanks for your rather odd and misplaced concern you weirdo

ocelot41 · 10/07/2016 18:55

Sorry trafalgargal, as I said, my post was meant to be for the OP. I just got your names mixed up by accident because I had had a glass of wine, that's all. Easily done as your name was at the top of the page.

My point was that it sounds as if the OP is bicurious and it is not uncommon to have wobblies where you think something bad is going to happen whilst you are coming to terms with that because it feels like you have let something big (and possibly scary) out of a box. As her DH was only an hour late, I am wondering if maybe that's what is going on? I felt very similar when I came out - although no threesomes or sex workers were involvedm

And by the way, calling me a weirdo, just because I got your names the wrong way around, and had already posted to apologise, isn't very nice. I am a longterm MNetter and was genuinely trying to help the OP.

BlueFolly · 10/07/2016 19:26

You had a threesome with some random person and you want our help- are you for real?! Lie in your bed- you made it. There are people with far more serious problems than yours

For christs sake - mumsnet isn't some kind of public service helpline you know, you're not only allowed to post about problems where you are 100% the victim! And most of us aren't on here to 'help' people, we just like to chip in our two penneth worth.

To me the only bad thing about the brothel story is that the sex wasn't that good.

fastdaytears · 10/07/2016 19:34

Maybe the threesome was a mistake, sure it would have been better if not in a brothel, but I'm not going to judge OP for wanting to experiment.