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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - husband didn't come home when everyone left. I think I'm having panic attacks

153 replies

Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 13:40

Hi, please help me.

Husband was out with friends last night. Very rare night out. I was ringing him at about 11pm, no answer. I then see his friend, who he was with, is online on whatsapp. I ask a friend when are they planning to go home and I can't get hold of a husband.

To my surprise the friend says he just got home and my husband left 40mins before him. So my husband left over an hour ago and not home and not answering. We live 10 mins away

I've gone into panic mode ringing H who eventually calls me after a string of messages. Said he's in a taxi home. This would've been 1.5 hrs since he left everyone and said he's going home.

He has told me he has left everyone but bumped into some guys he made friends with and stayed for another hour. Doesn't make sense to me. When he leaves the bar he's had enough and going home, why make friends with randomers and drink with them.

Back story: A year ago we went to a brother and had a threesome (with an escort), and I just now thought this probably really relaxed him at how... "Cool" I am with things?? By the way threesome was my idea as I have been curios for years. We seemed keen but afterwards we thought it didn't live up to our expectations (it all seemed seedy and not lusty as we hoped).

I have been shaking uncontrollably and my heart is beating so so strongly it's like it's going to jump out of my chest. My breathing is shaky and I keep bursting into tears.

I just don't understand where he was for that 1.5hrs? I don't buy his story. I think he could've gone to a brothel... He was drunk and we have been arguing me telling him to come home, and I just think he went there for an hour? He cannot believe I would even come up with this idea, I asked his phone to check locations he was happy for me to. I didn't as heart rate started beating even faster and I felt light headed. He seems normal but I also know if he has cheated, he would be putting the best acting skills of his life on at the moment, as our marriage depends on it and we are usually very happy.

I'm sorry this is long and just all over the place. Please help me with any ideas, it's been hours and I can't calm down. I think deep inside I will need to check his phone somehow to find out the truth (with his permission of course). My head tells me I'm being crazy but my heart won't rest.

We are buying a house next week and ttc.

OP posts:
LIZS · 10/07/2016 15:22

Apart from last night we are so blissfully happy

We or you? Something must have driven you to threesome. Something was missing. Maybe he doesn't share your happiness.

Doinmummy · 10/07/2016 15:27

If he had visited a brothel again why would he be guarding his phone ? Do brothels phone you back for a quality survey ?

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:28

Linz
We. Unless he deserved an Oscar for his loved up performance. Not only showering with love/flowers, but also being there and supporting and encouraging me when needed.

What has driven me to 3some is curiosity for a while, then then after 30s I have become so comfortable in my own skin and in general, and wanted this glamorous (as I imagined) night. I thought I was some sort of siren..

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:30

Doinmummy I presume he would google for address. Also locations on the phone tell you where you've been. I don't know. I don't know if he was guarding or not. I don't know if I'm going crazy or I need not to brush it under the carpet and carry on enjoying life

OP posts:
LaConnerie · 10/07/2016 15:33

I think the lack of trust you're describing is probably a common result of couples thinking it's a good idea to open their sex lives up to include other people.

You've both crossed the line most couples wouldn't want to in a happy relationship, and now it seems you're expecting him to cross it again - with or without you.

I don't know what to suggest, but I would struggle to continue a relationship with a man I had seen happily getting it on with somebody else, as would most people, I think.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/07/2016 15:33

You suggested that you and your husband pay a prostitute and have a threesome and you are now upset/ anxious/worried that your husband has visited a brothel on his own. I'm sorry but that is the most repulsive thing I have ever read. You paid an already objectified and possibly trafficked/ drug addicted/ manipulated and abused woman to have sex with you and your husband.

Hmm wow.

Whocansay · 10/07/2016 15:34

You know the answer, OP.

But I don't think you can say that a man who visits brothels is respectful to you or to women in general.

LIZS · 10/07/2016 15:37

showering with love/flowers, but also being there and supporting and encouraging me when needed.

Actually this could be interpreted as red flags but only you can really tell. Are you seeing what you want to see?

LaConnerie · 10/07/2016 15:38

I don't want to judge you for having a threesome with a prostitute op. It's easy to suggest every sex worker is abused/trafficked/whatever but that doesn't have to be the case. You are all adults and it was your choice.

Personally though, I value my H and our marriage far too much to risk opening up the huge can of worms that kind of 'experimenting' would lead to. I think some 'fantasies' need to stay in your head.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/07/2016 15:38

This reply has been deleted

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Vagabond · 10/07/2016 15:44

Maybe he was just drunk and got talking to some random people. My DH talks to randoms all the time. I don't see the big deal in that at all.

The weird thing is not knowing the passcode to his phone. If he has an iphone, you can see the locations he's been to. Ask him tomorrow. If he won't show you, be suspicious.

BlunderWomansCat · 10/07/2016 15:45

.

MudCity · 10/07/2016 15:46

Based on what you have said, I wouldn't be suspecting him of visiting a brothel. It's not as though it is something he has talked about doing, it isn't as though you are both unhappy. Nothing in your post makes me think this is what he has done (and I am very cynical).

However, you are clearly worried about it and therefore it is a good time to clarify your joint boundaries with him and make sure he knows that this is not something you are ok with. What you did together as a couple is completely different to either you or him seeing an escort on your own. I would be shocked if he thought otherwise.

Sit down and have that conversation. If he is a good partner and a lovely man then enjoy that.....he would have to be really spiteful and nasty to go with a prostitute just because you were having an argument. Nothing you have said points to the fact that he would do this to you.

The phone thing....well, if he was drunk then he probably didn't think where his phone was in relation to his body. Who would actually sleep on their phone unless they were drunk, fell asleep suddenly or just forgot it was there?

I hope you get the reassurance you need OP.

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:50

Whocansay if I call my husband disrespectful for visiting an escort with me, what does it say about me..? So it's a bit tricky here...

LINZ, no honestly, not at all 😀 I have way too much freedom with this man - can be out all night and he would only check in with a text once. Always supports me like a rock and personality wise were hand in hand - hardly any disagreements in 10 years and both see life the same and have same goals. Always cheerful no matter what negative situation I'm in. Just a kind person to everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 15:52

Vegabond, I meant the opposite - I know his passcode and all passwords and pin; it's always been like this.

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 10/07/2016 15:58

Has he woken up yet?

I'm not sure the phone guarding fits as much with a brother trip as with an OW

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 16:02

I just have this sense that he was drinking (all day by the way), arguing with me (I was pushing him to come home as he'd be too plastered and as a result we argued). He probably just felt horny or something, and the brothel ideal came up and it wasn't such a forbidden fruit... He wouldn't feel too mortified to do it. And part of me thinks he did

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 16:04

Fastday yes he didn't get back that late and wasn't as drunk.. He was before on the phone though - slurring - so he sobered up somewhere. Couldn't even believe I was saying what I was saying - said why would I do that. Well isn't that would everyone say though

OP posts:
trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 16:06

So if you came home an hour late would he automatically assume you were with a male prostitute or would he accept you had a tipsy conversation with some randoms on your way out of the bar and stayed longer than your friend ?

trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 16:09

So if you were picking a fight with him, then accused him of cheating on no evidence at all .....could you be trying to sabotage your relationship .......possibly because you actually don't want the commitment of buying a house with him ?

Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 16:13

Trafal - no. I was fine doing weekly food shop when casually asking his friend he was with - home come husband doesn't answer phone. Friend said what do you mean - he left ages ago and I'm in bed. My husband not answering, friends are asking from all corners: what do you mean he's not home? He left before everyone else.

Then see how you feel. And also when you OH comes up with a story that as they were walking out of the door (tired and being drunk all day), met some random people and stayed for 1.5 hrs with them (my H on his own stayed with this groups apparently). Whilst your H's phone turned itself on silent and he didn't hear calls from his wife

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost1919 · 10/07/2016 16:16

Trafalgar
This is NOT my husband. He would always let me know if he's staying late or every himself he would text. He would always answer phone because our phones vibrate if not ring. Then some lame story that doesn't make sense. He left the bar but he hasn't. He stayed at the bar drinking with strangers yet it's the "other side" of the bar where no one saw him

OP posts:
Owllady · 10/07/2016 16:19

I've only read the OP
But if you want things to work go for counselling and stop adding other people to your sex life when it's obvious you can't emotionally cope with it

MonkeysWAGMug · 10/07/2016 16:19
Hmm
trafalgargal · 10/07/2016 16:20

Honestly...... If my OH went out with friends or overnight ...and had a lost hour somewhere I wouldn't be assuming he was in a brothel.

He spent a weekend alone in Devon recently .....I didn't fancy it. He could have shagged half the county but I know he didn't. I went to the US recently he didn't assume I must have pulled when I didn't answer my phone because I was in a noisy bar.

You say you can stay out all night and he has no trust issues .....but you don't accord him the same respect.

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