Really love my wife but... sex and lack thereof!

[frustratedman]

OK ladies - really need your help here.

Been with my wife for a decade, married two years ago, two children under 5 and essentially very happy with our lives together. problem... yep, its sex and lack thereof!

My wife has made it absolutely clear that she doesn't like sex, she just doesn't get the urge - she'd absolutely rather go to sleep, or sit on the sofa reading mumsnet (Hello wife!). We were 16 and 17 when we met and things, as with most teenagers, were fantastic. The last 6 years or so have been a sex non-event. I've always felt as though it would surely sort its self out but alas I?ve learnt that if it goes of 'my radar', my wife really doesn't care and doesn't make any kind of effort whatsoever!

I do fully understand how the dynamics change when you have children, also well aware of the monotony of everyday life. I do my best to involve myself and help out where I can.

I'm finding it very hard to accept that zero sex is right. It feels very very wrong to me; I'm a male in my late 20's and have very little sex. It?s MAYBE once or twice a month and always instigated by me. The more time that passes by the more angry I feel and this spill over into other areas of my life were I feel quite lot of resentment about it. My wife and I have spoken about it to death and as a man in my late 20 can't accept a sexless relationship.

It feels quite tragic to me; we love each other very much and are a close family unit. I feel as though (and have explained) that this is like a time bomb that will eventually ruin our marriage. I have been out with my male friends on nights out and been propositioned by women, I desperately don't want to be dishonest to my wife (and don't intend to) but it?s becoming increasingly tempting.

I've always prided myself on being absolutely honest with my wife and have spoken in length and tried many things ? we go round in circles and it?s become a long-term stand off.

I'm really interested to read any comments, ideas, and suggestions on what can be done to sort this out once and for all.

Help...!

FM you and your wife sound like you really do have a connection though and just being on here talking about it is a million steps ahead from many other couples going through a similar situation. I understand you feel that perhaps the woman should make more of an effort to do the romantic gesture thing. But speaking from my own experience I would really appreciate if my DH did something. I ALWAYS have to do the organising for anything. For him to just once, do something romantic, that wasn't hard but just required a little bit of effort would mean more to me than anything. I keep at him for us to have a night away. He's been promising this since last year. I suggested in the next few weeks, we drop the kids off at his brothers on the Saturday afternoon, go to a nice guest house we know not too far away and collect the kids by lunchtime the next day. But he then comes up with excuses about it being the wrong time of year, and he doesn't want to commit to anything because he's so busy at work. 15 BLOODY HOURS AWAY FROM THE KIDS IS ALL I ASK TO BE ME AGAIN but you'd think I was asking for 2 weeks in Bali. He can of course spend both days of each weekend scouring round car showrooms, doesn't have a problem with that! Of course it has now become a deeper issue for us which we need to sort out.

FM and partner: something else that occurred to me (and if I'm wrong in my assumptions I don't mean to offend anyone) is I get the impression that neither you nor she have had much sexual experience with other people. No, I'm not going to suggest again that you shag other people - if it's not for you it's not for you - but the thing is (trying to put this as politely as possible) ttwo inexperienced people together can fall into a pattern of sex that really isn't all that thrilling for the lady, because neither of you know much more than the basics (I am really trying not to sound too condescending, but I'm quite old and have dealt with a lot of this sort of stuff professionally). So I would recommend some bedtime reading. Desire magazine is very good, as is Forum and both are fairly easy to get - just in terms of looking through and going, mm, fancy trying that? or No thanks, not that but maybe this.

SOme people might recommend Scarlet as a lady-friendly naughty mag, but it does tend to be more about shopping for stupidly expensive undies than anything else.

did your wife have a difficult birth/lots of stitches? This can be a very strong reason for avoiding penetration, as it can hurt for upwards of 3 years after th birth, or the fear of it hurting can turn you off completely.I would say foreplay is definitely the way to go...

OK I went right off it too after the birth of my ds and these were my reasons:

I was fat - put on 4 stone while pregnant.

Other half looked so fat and hairy and unappealing compared to my soft and sweet-smelling little newborn.

I was breastfeeding on demand; the psychology and hormones involved can interfere with libido.

Fear! Of getting ripped apart (again!) 'down there'.

Tiredness. Absolute exhaustion. DS was feeding 7 times a night and of course being the woman I was responsible for all housework too

Relationship with my now ex was bad to start with, he had been unsupportive during pg in fact we split up then tried again once ds was here; any problems you had before could have been exacerbated by having kids.

OK and I know it's p.c. to say that regular sex is a 'right' and high libidos are 'only natural' etc but in truth, any animal with young does not usually want to be repeatedly pawed by the male of the species; we are programmed to function for our children while they are young, not to entice (or re-entice!) mates! You may think you have a right to sex but remember she has no obligation to give it and that it is perfectly natural that she currently does not. Just remember how much you love her and that your marriage is not solely about sex. If you are being tempted by other women then it seems you are treating it as if it were.

Good point about being programmed to want to concentrate on our young in the months after birth Tam.

So much so that some cultures have a formalised time of several months where the parents of the baby are not allowed to have sex.

Somewhere on this thread someone (sorry to be vague) said that sex was a natural urge - I paraphrase . But surely the 'natural urge' is to procreate rather than to have sex per se. If that is the case perhaps it's quite reasonable for the female sexual urge to fade away after a baby is born and to a certain extent during bfing - and even disappear altogether when she passes menopause. There has to be reason why the stereotype is that older people don't have sex as much or at all. Sometimes it does feel as if we are obliged to be sexual beings all the time for ever.

I've had these problems with my dh. He gets very grumpy and even 'nasty' when he feels he hasn't had enough. It seems very childish to me.

Still, we've seen there was a problem and I think dh is starting to realise that he needs to work on my brain if he's any chance of getting any. Leaving it to a bedtime whinge just won't work. It means little gestures, like helping with housework, or flowers out of the blue, or even just letting me have a little longer in bed on a weekend. These little things do add up and are remembered, even through the stress of a day with 2 young kids. He's also started to be a lot more gentle and recognises my need for an early night, a chat about the things we share (kids, kids & kids), a warm relaxing cuddle. Then I'm far more up for it and the sex is steadily getting better.

Yes agree with tiredandgrumpy, there is nothing worse than the grumpy sigh and tutting and cold shoulder or stomping off back downstairs etc when you've gone to bed with your man and refused sex. It kills confidence, it's emotionally horrible.

Not wishing to blame/bully/belittle anyone here BUT, while it's OK to refuse sex (of course), if your refusal takes the form of "Get off me you selfish pig is that all you ever think about, you disgust me" then just maybe stomping off back downstairs in a huff is sort of understandable. IF the bloke has been trying his best to be helpful, and only asked very plitely.
Just a thought.

applauds Tamz

Can you explain that to my DH please, and tell him to stop.. well, lots of thing lol

Well madamez I refused lots of times I have to say but my refusals never took that form. Any woman who reacted like that would probably imo have reached the end of her tether.

not to say that it's why people's fellas here are arsey about not having sex, but has anyone considered they may feel hurt / rejected / frustrated / unloved, and not able to verbalise it? (and no, i'm saying that means you should have sex anyway, but men have feelings too)

Us blokes need to realise that sex is the first thing to go out the window when anything affects your wife / partner. Our bits have a mind of their own, women's generally don't.

DW and I didn't have sex for a year from when she was pregnant to a few months after dds birth. Yes I missed sex, but only with her. She kept telling me that she wouldn't blame me if i went elsewhere, but the thought never entered my head. I want her and her alone, if she doesn't then neighter do I. What's the point? She was ill or tired or just loved up with baby, I put my efforts into making her life easier, including doing the nightshifts. Nightshifts I loved as they were my time to bond with baby, and great to boast about at work next day.

Sure I looked at other women and admired their assets but no more than I do normally and no more than DW does. I was only tempted by my hand and I did develop a ninja grip as a result!

Sex and love are about respect as much as anything else. If you are so selfish as to put your hardon before dw / child / feelings then you need to re-evaluate who you are.

wish my DP did the night stuff Happydaddy!

madamez, I now have an image of said bloke asking very politely - "excuse me, dearest but I was wondering if you may deign to consider allowing me to mount your goodself? You have an alluring rump and I'd be most grateful if you'd permit me to smack it".

HappyDaddy - nice to see that there are blokes out there who do understand

DentionGirrl, I did feel a bit of the jealousy that men often get when new baby comes along. I decided that instead of trying to reclaim my dw through sex, which would be crap and unfulfilling as she wasnt up for it, I'd be better off bonding with baby myself. I volounteered for night duty and loved every second of it. I got to feel like a bit of a martyr for having an hour or less sleep a night too.

Voluptua, maybe being brought up by my mum single handed helped... "don't you go expecting anything like that, my boy, she's knackered. i didnt bring you upto be selfish".

So the moral of the story is that men listen to their mothers and not their wives!

happydaddy..you sound like you deserve to be happydaddy..

Becauseimworthit - I already knew how to play it, my mum jsut decided to lay it on thick!

I'm very happydaddy!

Ok I don?t think that its lazy at all, I love my husband very much, I am affectionate to him, I don?t exclude him . Ok, we may have fallen into a bad habit, and we BOTH deserve a healthy sex life. But I don?t think that it?s the main priority right now. I know he is frustrated, but we do have sex, just not as often as he wants it.
We have two young kids who demand a lot of my time. The youngest is 1.5 and is currently teething, that equals broken nights for me. I get up and sort him out, so that my husband is not tired for work. I am responsible for practically everything except DH going to work. Surely while we are at the period of time where the boys are demanding me and need me, it is not unreasonable to expect a bit of compromise in other areas. We do have sex, maybe once a week. I am not depriving DH of any affection or comfort. Just the physical actions of sex, I am too tired or drained by the end of the day to do it.
I am slim and I although my body does bear the scars of children, I am not that bothered about it. I get dressed up, I make an effort, we go out, we have friends round. We don?t live for our kids; I just think that at this phase of our life, sex is a little low on the priority list.
I am surrounded by my friends who have no kids and are dedicating their time to their careers or travelling. They don?t have the responsibilities that we have, and I am not complaining about it. I just don?t think that it is unreasonable to not be thinking about sex as a priority right now. For me, being emotionally close is not about having sex (or making love), its about experiencing stuff together, its about having my DH as my closest friend, having a good talk, him helping me out when I am struggling. We are supposed to be a team, and if that means that I need a bit of time out on being up for it and sexy, then he needs to get that. It?s about being treated like his girlfriend, rather than the nanny. He isn?t really bad, but I don?t have a switch inside me that I can flick at night. After dealing with the monotony of full time motherhood, and him expecting me to serve up his dinner so that he can then go and watch tv, is not foreplay. Someone mentioned that women need a little more that men, and that?s true. If I go to bed feeling pissed off as I have found his dirty pants on the floor (and know that he thinks I will pick them up) I am not able to forget that when he starts cosy up to me.
That said, he has been quite different since he made the OP here. He has started to offer his help i.e., Which would you like me to do, bath and put the kids to bed, or clear up dinner? That?s going to put me in an equal position; I will no longer feel downtrodden and non duty 24/7
Anyway, again have waffled a bit!!

Don't let my dh read this! Once a week?! He's very lucky if he gets once a month

hot and bothered..think quality..everyone fluctuates etc..