Really love my wife but... sex and lack thereof!

[frustratedman]

OK ladies - really need your help here.

Been with my wife for a decade, married two years ago, two children under 5 and essentially very happy with our lives together. problem... yep, its sex and lack thereof!

My wife has made it absolutely clear that she doesn't like sex, she just doesn't get the urge - she'd absolutely rather go to sleep, or sit on the sofa reading mumsnet (Hello wife!). We were 16 and 17 when we met and things, as with most teenagers, were fantastic. The last 6 years or so have been a sex non-event. I've always felt as though it would surely sort its self out but alas I?ve learnt that if it goes of 'my radar', my wife really doesn't care and doesn't make any kind of effort whatsoever!

I do fully understand how the dynamics change when you have children, also well aware of the monotony of everyday life. I do my best to involve myself and help out where I can.

I'm finding it very hard to accept that zero sex is right. It feels very very wrong to me; I'm a male in my late 20's and have very little sex. It?s MAYBE once or twice a month and always instigated by me. The more time that passes by the more angry I feel and this spill over into other areas of my life were I feel quite lot of resentment about it. My wife and I have spoken about it to death and as a man in my late 20 can't accept a sexless relationship.

It feels quite tragic to me; we love each other very much and are a close family unit. I feel as though (and have explained) that this is like a time bomb that will eventually ruin our marriage. I have been out with my male friends on nights out and been propositioned by women, I desperately don't want to be dishonest to my wife (and don't intend to) but it?s becoming increasingly tempting.

I've always prided myself on being absolutely honest with my wife and have spoken in length and tried many things ? we go round in circles and it?s become a long-term stand off.

I'm really interested to read any comments, ideas, and suggestions on what can be done to sort this out once and for all.

Help...!

Thank you all for the feedback. All is much appreciated:

Wordsmith - Am planning a surprise going away to try and keep things fresh but have to say, I have done this before. Thanks appreciate the feedback.

Hoolagirl - Likewise thank you. We need to get out more and make time for each other away from the home.

Lazyanna - I want her to want to have sex, and that?s the point really. I definitely don't want my wife to 'do it' because she feels as though I?ll get the hump if not. Meaningless sex isn?t what I?m looking for (Let's face it, that kind of sex isn't particularly tricky to achieve)

Glassofwine - You make a good point. I'd be a liar if i said that i make my wife feel like a goddess. However I do make an effort to buy little gifts like flowers and other such from time to time. I often tell her how beautiful she looks and pay genuine compliments.

Shimmy21 - I want my wife to want to have sex with me and really have gone long periods of time of not mentioning it. If it goes of 'my radar' it?s a complete non-event. And no I?m not a woman, I really love my wife and I?m willing to do anything to try and work this out, even surrendering myself to mumsnet for ideas.

ishouldbeironing - I get it, really I do. I've surprised my wife to fantastic night out and to really lovely hotels for a romantic night in the past. I?ve also carried out other similar gestures, agreed us men could always do more!!

I sometimes wonder if we?ve become two individual who just love each other very much and that?s it. What defines us as man and wife if the intimacy has gone?

All comments appreciated and taken on, Thank you!

any more orders cap'n,,?

frustrated man..
why no name checks for the rest of us
what are you gonna do?

No, that one pretty much covers all bases, I think.

LOL at blokes coming on here and finding out they've got to treat their DW's as goddesses. We don't want much, do we?

Just remember to act on the advice and not be oh next week we'll go out!
Does make a big difference having a break from the house/kids.
Good luck!

goddess status as prerequisite, defo..caligula!

its a given imo ...

I sometimes think that its a bit of a vicious circle, a lacking sex drive. A bit like depression. When something knocks you sideways, and you feel low, your brain stops producing as much seratonin, you feel worse, your produces less seratonin and so on and so on.

I think the less you feel like having sex, the less likely you are to have sex. The less you have sex, the less you feel like having sex. So it goes on.

I think, as much as you need to "treat your wife like a godess", your wife needs to find something to nudge her sex drive. Maybe erotic novels (NOT porn) might be a good start?

I dont think its 'right' that a woman should have no drive at all. I think she is missing out, tbh. Sex can be fun, pleasurable, loving, intimate, if not frequent. Sounds like you love your wife very much.

Agree VVV it's a bit like exercise in that respect. Such an effort if you don't do it that often, but a pleasurable part of your life if you do it regularly.

Much better analogy Caligula!

Exercise gives you a buzz too, doesnt it?

Yes and if you do it several times a week and then you don't do it for four days or whatever, you start missing it and feeling fractious and feeling it's quite urgent that you do it again.

(Am talking about exercise, natch )

Just putting in from a different point of vie and this is only a suggestion for folk to consider: If one party in a relationship really isn't interested in having sex yet there is goodwill, affection, shared lives and all that, why is it such a ridiculously big deal for the one who does have a sex drive to go and get some no-strings fun elsewhere? Doing without sex when you want sex will, in the long run, make you miserable; having sex becuase your partner wants it when you're really not interested will make you miserable...

I really am genuinely bemused at people who don't want to have sex with their partners, yet won't accept their partners having sex with someone else. It just seems such a miserable way to live.

ooh you'll cause a row now madamez, you will

caligula..i am with you ... agree...
and the saucier it is, the sooner you want it again..

Thinking about it, that sounds reasonable, but it's not because sex is so primal and unpredictable, that's why almost every society that has ever existed has invented taboos around it to try and regulate it. The reason the other party wouldn't be happy, is because sex as recreation might turn into love, emotional bonding with someone else etc. Also because when you get married, you do promise to restrict sex to only your partner, it's part of the deal. Most people in that situation don't want to have sex with any random person, they want to have it with the person they love. Having no strings fun with someone else is a recipe for decoupling in most cases. And most people don't want to de-couple with their original partner, they want to make their relationship better, not worse.

But agree, it's a miserable scenario either to do without sex when you want it, or to have it out of duty when you don't want it.

madamez
the only problem there is that they may want sex with their partner...love and affection are all part of sex..and if you are in it together then it is together...no?

Sex is so meaningless, eh madamez? I can't believe so few will agree with you. [rolls eyes]

I remember a friend saying to me that when you've been crawled over, kissed, slobbered on and hugged all day long by children, the last thing you feel like at night is further intimacy- you want peace, and space. i can recognise that.

Give her time to herself, give her time to sleep, make yourself a little unavailable. It will be more likely to lead to success that asking for it iyswim.

Have you not just ruined the surprise trip by telling everyone that you are doing it - especially with you DW on MN and on this thread!

Oh pmsl missed that his wife was on here.

just read this WITH dh. he says it has been very useful. he admits he hasn't done any of the suggested stuff, like taking out/ weekend away etc. and is therefore 'not getting much'. Personally I like the foreplay suggestions!

can sympathise, am in the same situation but dh is one with the low sex drive..frustrating in more ways than one!