Really love my wife but... sex and lack thereof!

[frustratedman]

OK ladies - really need your help here.

Been with my wife for a decade, married two years ago, two children under 5 and essentially very happy with our lives together. problem... yep, its sex and lack thereof!

My wife has made it absolutely clear that she doesn't like sex, she just doesn't get the urge - she'd absolutely rather go to sleep, or sit on the sofa reading mumsnet (Hello wife!). We were 16 and 17 when we met and things, as with most teenagers, were fantastic. The last 6 years or so have been a sex non-event. I've always felt as though it would surely sort its self out but alas I?ve learnt that if it goes of 'my radar', my wife really doesn't care and doesn't make any kind of effort whatsoever!

I do fully understand how the dynamics change when you have children, also well aware of the monotony of everyday life. I do my best to involve myself and help out where I can.

I'm finding it very hard to accept that zero sex is right. It feels very very wrong to me; I'm a male in my late 20's and have very little sex. It?s MAYBE once or twice a month and always instigated by me. The more time that passes by the more angry I feel and this spill over into other areas of my life were I feel quite lot of resentment about it. My wife and I have spoken about it to death and as a man in my late 20 can't accept a sexless relationship.

It feels quite tragic to me; we love each other very much and are a close family unit. I feel as though (and have explained) that this is like a time bomb that will eventually ruin our marriage. I have been out with my male friends on nights out and been propositioned by women, I desperately don't want to be dishonest to my wife (and don't intend to) but it?s becoming increasingly tempting.

I've always prided myself on being absolutely honest with my wife and have spoken in length and tried many things ? we go round in circles and it?s become a long-term stand off.

I'm really interested to read any comments, ideas, and suggestions on what can be done to sort this out once and for all.

Help...!

Well when it comes to a choice between percieving sex as something enjoyable for consenting adults to do with each other, or something that you "live without once you've grown up" I know which I prefer.

I was simply suggesting to the OP and his partner (and anyone else who might be reading the thread and be having difficulties due to mismatched libidos) an option to consider/discuss, an option which can and does work for some people. No harm in that.

Find the view that sex is something you generally grow out of slightly bizarre. Is sex only for kids then?

Personally I find it gets better as I get older. You tune in more quickly to your body's responses and have more confidence to communicate with your partner.

However, I'm having a baby in a few weeks. Is this the end?

With reference to my DH getting it elswhere, I would def. not be up for that. I feel that I am putting all my time and energy into creating a good environment to our young children and a base for my husband. He works long hours and is supporting us, so I have taken the role of cooker, cleaner, taxi etc so that my husband doesnt have to do this stuff. If he cant hang on for a while for me, then I dont htink he values me or our family. If he goes off for a quick service somewhere, that is basically admiting that sex is more important than me and the kids. I appreciate that he has needs and feels frustrated and that is the problem that we have. But, we are 26 and 27, we have done things a different way round, and once my boys dont need me 24/7 I will be available for my other boy!

youngmumoftwo and frustratedman you're practically getting it on by both posting on same thread just transfer it to the boudoir. No seriously I was totally off sex after birth of first child for two years. A few years ago despite having another baby I just switched back on to it. Cant say why? I think I may have had PND with my first and a very traumatic birth didnt help. Who knows?

I really appreciate all the feedback. But I have to say there are certain parts that I find very frustrating.

The onus seems to be completely with the male to get the problem sorted. Perhaps the thinking is that, if he is the one that wants the sex, the problem is all his to solve or at least until the woman becomes ready.

I am prepared to try my best but is there nothing a woman can do to take some responsibility of her own to improve her libido or at least manage the situation? Is it unreasonable for the woman to make romantic gestures or organise special evenings once in a while that spark a mutual feeling of passion!? Again I must emphasise that meaningless sex isn?t the answer for me but some willing could certainly change the dynamics of the situation a lot. It would at least show an acknowledgment of the concerns and help toward diffusing the situation.

Yes / No?

My DH would sympathise enormously with you - shame I won't tell him how to use MN and I sympathise enormously with your wife!
If it's any consolation, we were just like you from being pg with DD, who's now three, through DS, who's 9 months now, until quite recently. And it probably was partly down to me to take the initiative but frankly, I wasn't that bothered about the sex so didn't see why I should.
I just didn't feel attractive and felt almost like DH just wanted to sleep with me for the sex and anyone would have done.
Once I started taking some time for myself - even just shaving legs etc - and making sure I brushed my hair, wore clothes not covered in sick, that kind of thing.
She's just knackered and needs some space after being climbed on by two little ones all day, I imagine.
And don't take the foreplay thing too far - we broke our drought with a good series of quickies - and then lovely sleep for me!
Good luck to both of you

I don't think the onus is purely on you - but perhaps if you get the ball rolling.....haven't read whole thread but have you tried romantic night out? I feel very much like your wife seems to feel and sometimes it seems like an enormous effort to try and regain some intimacy with DH. With two children under 5 I feel like cleaner, cook, taxi, etc, way, way above feeling like wife and sexy female! Not fair on DH I know but it's true. We try and go out a couple of times a month together and it does seem to make a (small) difference.

fm - if you've done all the other bits like make sure you have an equal respectful relationship (which means different things for different people - for me, at the very least that means he does his fair share of housework and ensures that foreplay doesn't match 3rdTriMosster's gruesome description - pmsl at that btw) then yes, I do think a woman has an equal responsibility for ensuring that this problem is addressed. If one person in a relationship considers that something is a problem, then it's a problem for both people, and it's up to both of them to solve it.

For too many women though, there is simply no incentive to address the problem of the DH not having enough sex, because the DH is not addressing the problems they have - like valuing the job they're doing at home for example (not suggesting this is your case btw). If everything else in the relationship is rosy though, and the man is meeting the woman's needs elsewhere, then I do agree with madamez's view that it is unreasonable to expect someone to do without sex indefinitely. It's very sad to see something which could be a wonderful resource for a couple, being turned into a bone of contention. But there's usually a good reason why that happens. And the way to solve it is by open communication. (I'm finding it quite hilarious that you and your DW are openly communicating on the www btw - modern relationships are quite beyond me! )

Oh BTW something else struck me - you're both in your late twenties. Wait till DW hits her mid thirties, chances are, you'll think back nostagically to the days when she wasn't demanding sex twice a day. So hang on in there...

I have to say that I have always been the one to want sex more than any partner I have had (even exDH when I had 2 babies 15 months apart). I would put this down to the fact that it has always been very important to me, I just really love sex.

I can understand the tiredness and drudgery part though, several of my 'mummy friends' hadn't even had sex again by the time I was producing DD2, each to their own.

Frustratedman, the only thing I can think of that hasn't already been suggested (I think) is for your DW to indulge in a little DIY without any input from you. Obviously this is only any good if she feels like it, but it may make her feel more like a woman and less like a drudge. You sound like a very caring DH, and brave for posting on here in the first place, you are obviously keen to have more sex, but only in a way that is fulfilling to you both.

Good luck to you both

FrustratedMan - thought I'd show a bit of solidarity to a fellow male on this thread!
Sympathise with you entirely and you've certainly sparked off some debate in our house. We've been discussing the same thing recently and had a good long heart-to-heart about how frustrated I feel (which is of course largely driven by testosterone) and how tired DW feels. We have 2 under 3. Of course, like you, I'm willing to wait, show consideration etc. I think what some of the earlier posters in this thread have suggested is correct: get out as a couple and try to recapture some of the early magic and then she will hopefully feel like reciprocating your romantic gestures. BTW - You're a good advert for proving that men value love and intimacy and not just a good bonk - though we like that too
Good luck.

And what if despite your best efforts your wife turns to you and says that she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore - does that make her a bad person?

Hmmm... we also have 2 dcs under 5, and our lives are busy, and sex is something we both have to make a priority! My health is not that great and I'm recovering from pneumonia which obviously doesn't help, but...

I guess I've come to realise that there are certain things I do with / for my dh that make him feel really loved, really special. Cooking his favourite foods is one of them, and sex is another (letting him go and play golf is another! So a really good day for my dh would be a round of golf, home to a roast chicken dinner with sticky toffee pudding, then wild sex!)

TBH the things that make me feel really special and cherished are not the same things. For me it's a long walk or drive in the countryside with deep talk about life the universe and everything - that gives me a sense of 'connecting' with dh, of going beyond the immediate and everyday stuff that takes up most of our time (and parenting of course!) I do enjoy sex, a lot, but I know it means more to dh than it does to me, mostly for the reasons other posters have said here - tiredness by the evening, feeling un-sexy and pre-occupied with the ds and so on.

So yes I do make a positive effort to make myself feel sexy and there are evenings when I'd rather not, but I do make the effort because I know how much it means to dh and that he'd be that little bit less satisfied without it. And there are evenings when I initiate sex because I can see that dh needs it, even if he doesn't mention it himself.

IMO sex is one way of connecting with your dh which is emormously important to keep that bond strong, just as much as communicating or working together on issues or whatever - it's worth the effort and keeping it going through the times when it's not easy is so important IMO. When we are both really knackered we make dates, and agree that the following evening or whenever, we will have a lovely long time together!

lazyanna please give it a rest - fm's wife has not said on this thread that she never wants to have sex again. And btw it's got nothing to do with whether not wanting sex makes someone a 'bad person' or not. Where on earth did that come from? It's about two people trying to find a way round mismatching sex drives.

Your view that 'most people' are quite happy without any sex at all is bizarre IMO.

"I guess I've come to realise that there are certain things I do with / for my dh that make him feel really loved, really special. Cooking his favourite foods is one of them, and sex is another (letting him go and play golf is another! So a really good day for my dh would be a round of golf, home to a roast chicken dinner with sticky toffee pudding, then wild sex!) "

I support that rosylea, I really do - but reassure me! - does he do the same (or rather similar) for you? It's not all one way traffic is it?

roseylea I think your dh is very lucky to have you! You sound very considerate.

frustrated man I don't really have anything to add to the great advice on here already - but I would just say there may not be a magic formula to make your wife want more sex right now.

Actually I lied - I do have one thing to add: hour long heavy chats at 11pm after a long tiring day (for both of you) does not sound like the thing to get anyone in the mood. Try to avoid over-analysing the situation - and try to make her laugh. I always find a bit of a giggle makes me more relaxed and therefore possibly more likely to feel like it.

hth

Strangely if my DH makes it clear he wants it, it puts me off even more. Having a chat and a giggle about something totally different usually makes me look at him in a different light and remember why I fancied him in the first place!

I hate football???

oops!!!!!

fm, I don't know about youngmumoftwo but I very much relate to lisalisa's post so it may be that the lack of sex is a symptom rather than THE problem IYSWIM. The problem may be a lack of time to herself to do what she wants/ be her own person. If ymot has the childcare and money available to her then yes she should take some responsibility and organise some regular pampering, shopping, time off, etc so that she feels better in herself. It MAY lead to something, but I agree with others that it should not be expected. HTH

Have been keeping an eye on this thread - am thinking of changing my name to include the word Godess somewhere . Must remember to tell dh.

I do think that FM has a point about it not all being down to the man, perhaps if it was thought about in terms of being loving rather than sex. We have moved on now and the whole romance part of a relationship shouldn't just be down to the men, we women should be showing our menfolk at least sometimes why we want them in our lives. I'm not talking some whole retrograde 1950's housewife thing, I just mean a bit of equality - it does cut both ways.

Would like to reiterate Caligulars point a little earlier - just you wait till your DW reaches her mid/late 30's - I haven't had so much fun and I'm 38 .

Sounds as though its a bad habit/lazy on her part in a way. I can be guilty of the same, sometimes much easier to read the paper, watch tv. Sure my husband was rather I was in the front room with him than sat on here!

Its a bad trap to get into and you have to make a bit effort to change and possibly look at the reasons for it. I personally think sex is a fairly big part of a relationship and is important to maintain the closeness, passion, love etc with each other as grown ups/husband and wife.

I would get some counselling or a good book for advice. Sounds as though you have been pretty good with her anyway so keep up the good work (if nothing else!).

"But, we are 26 and 27, we have done things a different way round, and once my boys dont need me 24/7 I will be available for my other boy!"

Youngmumoftwo - I have a lot of sympathy for you and your situation, but this sentence struck me as a bit odd. It sounds like you are emotionally excluding your dh as well as sexually. Are you sure you can't do more to include him? Not just sex, but intimacy, making him feel important etc? it does sound like you're pushing him away.

Why has nobody mentioned alcohol? Both me and my DH are always tired with busy jobs each, two teenages and a toddler. Most nights we fall asleep on the sofa but we do try at the weekend to have a takeaway, watch a dvd and have a bottle of wine. The wine really relax's us and helps us forget our responsibilities (wink) and helps me forget my baby belly (blush)

Handlemecarefully, yes my dh is also very considerate towards me!

Foreplay, w/e away? Spice? Discussions about intimacy?

Nah not for me. I got my mojo back 2 weeks into our cleaners starting. I have 4-6 hours a week domestic help and as a result even found myself with enough headspace last week to wonder if nipple tassles hurt when removed.