Really love my wife but... sex and lack thereof!

[frustratedman]

OK ladies - really need your help here.

Been with my wife for a decade, married two years ago, two children under 5 and essentially very happy with our lives together. problem... yep, its sex and lack thereof!

My wife has made it absolutely clear that she doesn't like sex, she just doesn't get the urge - she'd absolutely rather go to sleep, or sit on the sofa reading mumsnet (Hello wife!). We were 16 and 17 when we met and things, as with most teenagers, were fantastic. The last 6 years or so have been a sex non-event. I've always felt as though it would surely sort its self out but alas I?ve learnt that if it goes of 'my radar', my wife really doesn't care and doesn't make any kind of effort whatsoever!

I do fully understand how the dynamics change when you have children, also well aware of the monotony of everyday life. I do my best to involve myself and help out where I can.

I'm finding it very hard to accept that zero sex is right. It feels very very wrong to me; I'm a male in my late 20's and have very little sex. It?s MAYBE once or twice a month and always instigated by me. The more time that passes by the more angry I feel and this spill over into other areas of my life were I feel quite lot of resentment about it. My wife and I have spoken about it to death and as a man in my late 20 can't accept a sexless relationship.

It feels quite tragic to me; we love each other very much and are a close family unit. I feel as though (and have explained) that this is like a time bomb that will eventually ruin our marriage. I have been out with my male friends on nights out and been propositioned by women, I desperately don't want to be dishonest to my wife (and don't intend to) but it?s becoming increasingly tempting.

I've always prided myself on being absolutely honest with my wife and have spoken in length and tried many things ? we go round in circles and it?s become a long-term stand off.

I'm really interested to read any comments, ideas, and suggestions on what can be done to sort this out once and for all.

Help...!

Frustrated man, if your dw is anything like me I would imagine that the following may help?

Foreplay
foreplay
foreplay...

....and lots more foreplay.

By which I don't mean a quick ten seconds on each nip, a couple of seconds on the man in a boat and disappointment if she ain't ready!

I think when I was younger I was more up for it straight away, but now I'm older it takes me longer to get going, iyswim, maybe your dw is the same?

but 3rdtrimosster that assumes she wants it in the first place. IME once we get down to foreplay my libido is more or less on board but that doesn't mean that I was interested in the first place.

I suppose, although if you already know there's gonna be no foreplay and it's not going to be much fun, you're not going to be as interested to start.

Then again my pg libido is all over the place atm so I would take anything I say with a pinch of salt!!

frustrated man - this is really interesting reading about this from a mans perspective. My dh could write your post right now, and tbh it's causing real problems.

I love my dh, I fancy my dh, but at teh moemnt I do not feel like having sex. When we do it it's fab, but why do I not feel like it?

I wish I did. Dh feels rejected, I feel pressured, so there is no even hugging/hand holding atm and neither of us are getting what we want.

We have a demanding 4 year old, I work 4 days a week dh is full time so life is pretty full on. I wish he'd understand it's not him, and that given time things will improve.

Think I will print this out and let him read it.

Laughing at 3rdTri.....i'm not the only one who gets 'foreplay' like this then?!

I can remember when DP would take hours over me, until i had to beg him to stop because it too much to take- in a brilliant way!

The idea that a man might want or need sex, and should be allowed to seek it elsewhere sounds like blackmail to me.

Message withdrawn

FM I must be your wife! Nah, seriously im far too old!

All the comments below give you the reasons why she feels like this and I believe that it is true that domesticity kicks in for us gals.

I definately dont get out enough (babysitter problems)and my dh needs to woo me all over again. You know, flowers, arranging to meet for lunch, all those impulsive things that go by the wayside when the kids kick in.

By doing the above you will kick her into realising that you still exist. I know its hard when you feel rejected but try treating her like a princess and you will see the results (not always straight away)

I keep telling him but he aint taking any notice, so without he will go

Just to add my own perspective. I really went off ex-H after I had my children. I felt very unsexy & he did very little to reassure me. I felt like I turned into a drudge & was no longer the sexy, carefree woman I had been before.
Funnily enough, since we split 3 years ago my appetite has returned with a vengence. Maybe we all want what we can't have or find difficult to get.
Not sure how that helps. Unfortunately women seem to get stuck in a bit of a rut & they perceive every nice gesture from their other half as a bargaining tool for sex.
I wonder if it would work if you were really nice, but seemed to have gone off sex. How would it be if you gave your wife a kiss & a cuddle in bed, told her she was gorgeous & then turned over and went to sleep. Maybe she would start wondering what she might be missing?

DetentionGrrrl no you're not the only one!

I think before kids the whole day is foreplay and you are just up for it.I agree it takes a bit of persuasion as time goes on but the more you do it the more you want to.

Message withdrawn

Caligula/noddyholder - just because you associate sex only with committed relationships doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way. It certainly doesn't mean there's any superiority in only-having-sex-when-in-love any more than there is in preferring your tea with or without sugar.
I am simply suggesting a move away from enforced monogamy as a possibility for people to consider.
And, just FYI, there are lots of people who don't insist on monogamy in their relationships and live perfectly happy, mutally respectful lives (well, as happy etc as other people. A sexually diverse lifestyle doesn't free you from financial worries/bad colds/work stress, natch)..
Lazyanna: just as everyone would (I assume...) agree that it's wrong to force, persuade or blackmail any unwilling person into having sex, it's not exactly right to prohibit another person from having sex - ever again - just because you have no desire for it.

Madamez I don't only associate sex with committed relationships. I'm just saying that as a solution to a marriage problem, looking for sex outside that marriage is not usually a realistic or sensible solution. It is usually a path directly to a worse problem.

I frankly don't believe you when you say that lots of people don't insist on monogamy and are happy together. Most people do insist on monogamy and I bet there are more of them (whether they're happy or not).

Yes for a few unusual people, open marriages are fine - that's their choice, I don't have an issue with it. For the majority of couples though, it is simply bad advice to advocate that they try and find a solution outside their marriage. It just doesn't usually work and you risk capsizing the whole relationship imo.

I agree that you don't have the right to declare that someone should never have sex again just because you don't want to, though.

Caligula: OK, so when it comes to defining "lots of people" we could be here all day with neither of us right. In terms of people I know, like and spend time with (or at least did pre-parenthood) slightly less of them were monogamy-fixated than otherwise.
As to good or bad advice to people having relationship problems, I tend to think that a diversity of advice is more helpful than just getting one opinion (and don't get me started on the appalling industry in 'spice-up-your-marriage' books written by morons whose only quallification is having f*cked a footballer or two) which may not be suitable for your personality/taste/circumstances.

WHat I would say is if people in a struggling relationship experiment with additional partners having discussed it beforehand, even if the original relationship then comes to an end, there might be a better chance of an amicable parting than if (for instance) the sexually-frustrated partner siimply ups and shags someone else with no prior discussion... don't you think?

3rd trimosster... 'the man in the boat' . Is this.. ones fanjo?

seasonsreasons- surely you've met him?!

Seasonsreasons,

The boat is the fanjo, the man sits at the top. When you stroke his head, he gets excitable and the boat gets wet.

Thankyou..i..er....goodbye.

Sorry.... you did ask!

Madamez you couldn't be more wrong but this thread is about a relationship and I don't think the op wants to seek sex elsewhere because he loves and desires his wife she just needs a bit of persuasion in that dept!

Hmm, if someone dealt with their sexual frustration by upping and shagging someone else, then that imo is not merely an issue about sex, it's an issue about what his DP/ DW means to him, what his marriage means to him, his attitude to hurting her, valuing her, respecting her etc., which would not be solved by them sitting down and agreeing that he can go elsewhere. His attitudes to her would still be the same. So nothing would be solved imo.

To say nothing of a very mechanical attitude to sex, which is extremely undesirable.

Exactly Caligula! I think most people live quite happily without sex once they have grown up

Booboo it's terrible I lower the tone wherever I go!!