How to approach DH about latest MIL stunt?

[razzlematazzle]

MIL and I are NC. She's a narcissistic PITA, but DH and DS still see her. She takes care of DS once a fortnight for a few hours, against my better judgement, but it was a compromise with DH.

MIL contacted DH recently about what she should by DS for his birthday, having just decorated the nursery I asked him to request a specific type of childrens chair to match. I was intending on getting it for him ourselves but couldn't think of much else at the time so asked MIL to get the chair and we would get something else.

DH then sent her a link to my Pinterest board so she could see exactly what style, colour and type of chair we were after. The chair would be expensive-ish but she's usually happy to lavish DS with expensive gifts.

DH mentioned last week that MIL had seen and bought a cheap version of the chair, would that be OK? As she had thought of a 'better' present that she would like to get him. I said it was fine provided it was in the colours we had requested to match the nursery.

DH currently at work and I've finally gotten round to looking at the chair. It's hideous. Bright orange. Cheap material. Doesn't match our pale blue and grey nursery whatsoever. How do I approach this with DH? He's going to defend her as he's completely oblivious to interior design and MIL knows it! I really want to get him a beautiful wooden chair for his birthday to match the rest of his room, but how do I do this now that MIL has gone all out on a cheap and hideous one to stand in the way of that? I'm really annoyed, even when we're NC she can affect me with her poisonous controlling ways. I need to speak to DH when he gets home from work, but ideally I need to keep him on side! When I'm talking cheap... I'm talking a £10 chair as opposed to a £60 chair. She knows what she's doing. ..

Whatever reaction you make will be the wrong one, and she knows it.

The only thing to do is nothing, just store it in your memory banks for the next time.

OP I get where you are coming from. My mil does this - insists on spending money on DD, asks a million questions about what specifically we want/need, then ignores what we said because clearly she knows better. In our case it's not just about buying things, but also arrangements for times we spend together, like holidays, where she will over-manage things and organise things we've said we don't need or that we would obviously bring for our own child ourselves. It's a control issue and it's very difficult to know how to deal with when it's ostensibly generosity.

I like previous poster's suggestion of present a false choice, or give her an area of life to take control of about which you give no fucks. Other than that my strategy is to position DP to do all liaison with her when possible, and to have him stand up to the worst extremes, which he is now doing even if she throws a strop about it. It's difficult because she's clearly used to controlling all these minor elements in her sons and husbands lives for 45 years and can't really see that she is doing it.

I would give it to your dc and say its a special chair for them to have at nanny's house.

Then she can look at it. Everyone's a winner.

Don't use it.

You sound as 'bad' as your MIL - totally controlling about what is or isn't allowed, I feel sorry for your DH - torn between the two of you.

Just learn to stop sweating the small stuff, does a chair colour (or whatever it is to go with the nursery decor) really matter in the grand scheme of things? Perhaps you need to get a hobby or do something that involves thinking about someone other than yourself or your immediate family.

Ragwort - I'm guessing you DON'T have a passive aggressive narc of a MIL then....?

I do WellErrr (well, mum actually) and the only way to deal with it other than NC is to let it all ride over your head and not play the game.

She wants to control what colour the chair is? Whatever, it's a chair (or whatever it is) it's not like she's forcing her to join the Westborough Baptist Church. Work out what is really important and focus on that - just because MIL bought a naff brightly coloured plastic chair / toy instead of the pastel shades, handcrafted wooden one - so what? Why get into a pissing competition with someone who thrives on it and risk arguing with DH who is frankly stuck in the middle of two massive egos.

There's no point in asking what to buy as a gift and then buying something different

But when you've been shown the exact item, then you should buy exactly that. The one you choose may not be to the taste of the requestor. It's not that difficult to understand IMO.

If MIL could not afford the one she was shown, she should have left it and got something else altogether.

Some MILs are a real handful.

You both sound like excessively hard work. And your disguising of the post by saying "chair" doesn't really work so well when you have pages of "it isn't a chair" coming after.

Can we correctly assume you used "chair" to mean something that isn't a toy? So bookcase, blanket chest, desk, whatever. Something that is useful for your child but not a fun thing for him. In that case, it really is more a present for you to save you having to get it yourself. What the gift-giver wants to get out of this is for the child's eyes to light up when the wrapping paper comes off and lots of "best present ever!" sentiment. Even for a first birthday, or very young child. A not-a-chair does not allow for that.

You are exhausting far too much time and energy and headspace reading all sorts into this. She may well be controlling but goodness, so are you. Don't try to get your husband involved in some sort of outraged stand against the MIL and the non-chair. When you have children, you can't control every aspect of their lives. I think you'd be a lot happier if you eased up a little.

Yeah my MIL is like this. She's an arsehole. Send the chair to her house for when DS is there. Tell her he loves it so much he wants to have it at GMs. Buy the chair you wanted for your own house

We don't like our DD in t shirts and trousers. She's always in dresses etc. What does MIL buy her....

Well it could be worse, I've had family members buying my less than 3 year old dd high heeled shoes and make-up! And they can't see the problem, they think I'm uptight. This, otoh, this could be uptight op! As the veteran of MIL battles I'd say this one is so not worth fighting.

"We don't like our DD in t shirts and trousers. She's always in dresses etc. What does MIL buy her...."
I thought one of the mantras of the "my little family" crowd was that a "baby is not a doll"
Why shouldn't she have a choice of
clothes?

I'm biting my lips over that. And trying to control my fingers.

She's not a doll. It's just the way we like to dress her atm. She's 11 months old and when she is able to choose what she like to wear she shall

If you read the thread you'll be aware it's not a chair at all
But it's something that has to "match" his nursery, so presumably is some item of furniture and not a toy?
And you sent her a link to your Pinterest board (!) so she could see what style, colour and type of this very expensive chair item of furniture would be acceptable to you?
For your ds's birthday present?
Mind boggling...

Ragwort - I'm guessing you DON'T have a passive aggressive narc of a MIL then....?
i agree with User's comments, I didn't have the best of relationships with either of my MILs (married twice ) but I learned to focus on what was important and not to get into any competitiveness over mother/son relationships. As a mother of a DS I hope that helps me if/when I may become a MIL myself .

Maybe it's a grand piano.

See holistic when my adorable dds were that age I got nothing but fussy dresses with collars that needed copious amount of ironing but rolled my eyes, put dd in them and took a picture, afterwards consigning them to the bag for charity. It's not worth feeling agrieved about because it's trivial! Between our families we've hardly had a decent present for them but who cares? The relationship is more important.

We do the whole photo thing too lol! But like someone else said- that's just one of the few things she's done.

We say black, she'll say white kinda thing. She's always telling me what a bad mother I am in a what she calls jokey fashion.

When we told her & FIL we were pregnant she asked my DH if he's sure it's what he wanted. We were married & had been together 8 years!!!! We were told we might not be able to have children due to me & it's all either of us had wanted!

When my DD was born she moaned as I gave birth part way through her time in a family house share on the coast. She said couldn't I have hurried up and given birth before she went! She booked the time knowing the due date and DD was born a week late.

It's one of many things she does...

She's clearly a piece of work then, I take it back - whereas the inappropriate gifts are just a parcel of generally being ok with our folks

She nuttier than squirrel sh*t. But we get given gifts that aren't our cup of tea.

I love mad prints and she always buys sicky baby pink t shirts with stuff like I love my daddy on.

Can't bloody stand them. Good for jammies in the summer tho

We don't like our DD in t shirts and trousers. She's always in dresses etc. What does MIL buy her...."

I often bought my DD trousers and tops as a baby. My mum would buy her dresses saying we know you always buy her trousers so I thought I'd get a dress.

I actually did buy dresses but it was mainly trouser sets.

It didn't bother me at all. If I didn't like the dress I'd leave it at the back of the wardrobe until she grew out of it.

It's just the tone that MILs tend to use. They can be rather condescending.

"The tone that MILs tend to use. They can be rather condescending"

Or maybe- just maybe- sometimes the ear the dil hears them with?

I'm NC with my mil.

But I'm sorry op your at fault here. It's a pissing chair. You opened yourself up to pissed off over a fucking chair. A specific chair, in specific colours. No wonder she bought something else - what do you expect?

Now, I understand birthday wars - I've lived them. Mil used to buy the same as what we were buying but earlier. But you told her to buy a fucking blue chair 😂😂😂

I've got two snide plastic chairs in the shed. One faux leather with a pink foot stool, the other is one that has a plastic book attached to it. They spent a month in the house then got hidden in there.

Let her 'have this one', it's not a biggy and if you complain about it - you will honestly look like a weirdo.

In future if she asks what to get him say ' anything' don't let her in on your private wish list of gifts.