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Original poster

How to approach DH about latest MIL stunt?

131 replies

razzlematazzle · 27/06/2016 13:23

MIL and I are NC. She's a narcissistic PITA, but DH and DS still see her. She takes care of DS once a fortnight for a few hours, against my better judgement, but it was a compromise with DH.

MIL contacted DH recently about what she should by DS for his birthday, having just decorated the nursery I asked him to request a specific type of childrens chair to match. I was intending on getting it for him ourselves but couldn't think of much else at the time so asked MIL to get the chair and we would get something else.

DH then sent her a link to my Pinterest board so she could see exactly what style, colour and type of chair we were after. The chair would be expensive-ish but she's usually happy to lavish DS with expensive gifts.

DH mentioned last week that MIL had seen and bought a cheap version of the chair, would that be OK? As she had thought of a 'better' present that she would like to get him. I said it was fine provided it was in the colours we had requested to match the nursery.

DH currently at work and I've finally gotten round to looking at the chair. It's hideous. Bright orange. Cheap material. Doesn't match our pale blue and grey nursery whatsoever. How do I approach this with DH? He's going to defend her as he's completely oblivious to interior design and MIL knows it! I really want to get him a beautiful wooden chair for his birthday to match the rest of his room, but how do I do this now that MIL has gone all out on a cheap and hideous one to stand in the way of that? I'm really annoyed, even when we're NC she can affect me with her poisonous controlling ways. I need to speak to DH when he gets home from work, but ideally I need to keep him on side! When I'm talking cheap... I'm talking a £10 chair as opposed to a £60 chair. She knows what she's doing. ..

OP posts:

Smorgasboard · 27/06/2016 14:37

Who would want to buy a chair as a child's birthday present? (unless the child is older than nursery age and has an xbox necessitating a gaming chair?)
2 people in this. Could it be seen that you are trying to give back what you get from her, in a passive way, by asking her to buy something which is really more a convenient gift to the parents, who are decorating a nursery, than anything a young child would want or appreciate.
Likewise with the engraving, she was passively emphasizing the point that she doesn't like you. Call it what it is, 2 people who don't like each other, who are busy scoring points off each other instead of either sorting it out maturely, or completely disengaging from each other. You are still in contact via your DH so not really NC. Perhaps your DH could refrain from the job as go between and stand up for you - as he chose you. Accept my DW and try to be civil or you are NC from both of us?

Original poster

razzlematazzle · 27/06/2016 14:37

Monkeycowface: not the case at all! I was asked on the spot whilst DH was on the phone to MIL "what do we want mum to buy DS for his birthday? " I thought quickly that if she bought the gift then it would save us a bit of money to be able to get the other stuff! Which is why I said that particular gift. Lesson learnt. Next time, I'll just say "it's up to you."

MIL like to be in control so it's just another display of control on her part. I should have known that she would do this, but at the time I was asked on the spot I'd just been dealing with something pretty awful at work and my mind wasn't particularly in MIL'S-mind-games-mode.

Another lesson learnt.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 27/06/2016 14:39

Assuming the chair you want isn't stupidly expensive, go buy it today. Put it in situ in the nursery. Look confused at DH as "but your mum said she was buying something else - I'd already ordered the chair." deny having heard that she was buying the chair and something else. Oh, sorry, you've taken to switching off when ti comes to MIL. Never mind, the one you've bought goes better with the room, does DH want to ask MIL to return her chair or shall we just say thank you and then eBay it without telling her?

MiffleTheIntrovert · 27/06/2016 14:41

My sympathies are with your DH caught in the middle of this. Honestly, if I posted that my mother bought DC a different colour gift than the one I requested (to match the nursery), and my DH wanted advice on how to deal with this "latest stunt" and return the gift etc, I'm pretty sure he would be called controlling as well as ungrateful.

" I thought quickly that if she bought the gift then it would save us a bit of money to be able to get the other stuff!"

Maybe she realised this - that you basically wanted her to save you money so you could buy other stuff, rather than an actual present that your DC would really appreciate?

diddl · 27/06/2016 14:41

Bright orange in a pale blue & grey nursery sounds great to me!

I can see your husband's point tbh.

Perhaps MIL has played a blinder-don't rise to it.

Just be more aware in future & don't request things that are important to you.

Although it's for your son, so if he likes it-all good!

Original poster

razzlematazzle · 27/06/2016 14:43

There are some sour souls lurking on MN today.I don't really understand why some MN users come on here to strike punches at people asking for help (ladymariner). Thanks for the psychological analysis but you couldn't be more wrong re jealousy and until you understand the back story of our situation I'd say you're not best placed to comment. Thanks to those who've helped. I'll be letting this thread die it's death now I think.

OP posts:

user1465823522 · 27/06/2016 14:47

Wow. First world problems.

ladymariner · 27/06/2016 14:47

Sour?? Haha, ok whatever, but you've posted on here asking for opinions and that's mine. And I stand by it. A chair is not a present for the child, it's a present for the parents, it's saved you money but it's not anything that your ds is likely to get any joy from. But you clearly know best......hope it all works out just the way you want it.

user1465823522 · 27/06/2016 14:49

Here's the thing - you are bitching about a chair - take as second and think about that. Is it the be all and end all? Is anyone going to die? Is civilisation going to collapse?

No?

Then you are over reacting.

Original poster

razzlematazzle · 27/06/2016 14:50

If you had read the thread Lady Mariner you would be aware that the gift is not a chair at all. Like I said, know the full story before you analyse!

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/06/2016 14:52

I'm assuming it's not really a chair, and not really £10 otherwise you wouldn't be posting. If it can be used outside then that's perfect especially as it will weather down and can eventually be binned when it rots away.

"Oh - DC loved it so much in the garden I got him/her another for the bedroom." Job done.

I wouldn't say a word to your husband. Just buy what you had planned to buy she's "found something better" in any case god help you

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 27/06/2016 14:52

I can understand your frustration given the history but this incident just seems very minor in the grand scheme. Just stick the chair outside/elsewhere and get the one you like for his room.

See, for context, my mother asked me what to get DD for her birthday. I said, "she loves to paint, so maybe an easel? Not bothered about style etc"

She got her a Barbie car. And took a million pictures of it and boasted how it's the best present ever because she loves her granddaughter.

I have no garage and live in a 900 sqft house and it's electric so it can't go in my shed.

DD used it twice. Her friends can't play with her in it as it only seats 1.

I also have paint stains on my table from when we didn't have an easel (I ended up buying one myself.)

Yaaaaay....

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 14:53

user1465823522 with all due respect you could use that argument about most of the posts on mumsnet. Perhaps another thread would satisfy your need for a deep and meaningful debate?

ladymariner · 27/06/2016 14:54

?????? Your whole post was moaning about mil not buying the chair you wanted (you, not your ds) but a bright orange one plus something else.....now you're saying it's not a chair????

A pp said you sound hard work, she was spot on!

gladisgood · 27/06/2016 14:58

Don't say anything to DH. Just buy the "chair" you wanted - and then say to Dh that you completely forgot that MIL was supposed to be buying it. How lucky it is that she didn't get it after all!! The one she bought will be perfect for outside. Big smiles and a huge thank you to MIL. Ugly chair outside ( which will fall apart quickly if it is only a tenner) and then it can be thrown away as "dangerous" ( don't forget a suitably doleful/ sad look to DH with a "it's so unusual of your DM not to buy a well made/quality item.... as you bin it) Job done.

Don't put DH in the middle or try to talk this through reasonably - a narc will always try to make you look bad. Best thing to do is to ignore their shit + quietly get on with your own plans.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2016 15:04

ladymariner
At least try reading the posts that OP has written.
It might help!?
She states, quite clearly, she's said 'chair' to keep herself unidentifiable as MIL sometimes comes on here!

And try to look at things a bit deeper.
NC means that MIL has done a lot of shit things!
There's always a back story and if you've been on here a while then you'll know that!

Maybenot321 · 27/06/2016 15:06

ladymariner are you OP's MIL?!!

ladymariner · 27/06/2016 15:09

Haha, no I'm not, but I do need to stick an apology on here to op, at least as far as the 'chair' goes.....I honestly missed the post about it being kept unidentifable, and I couldn't see the point of all this angst about a chair. I'm sorry.

AyeAmarok · 27/06/2016 15:09

I think that since she's bought something else that's even better than the chair, it would be reasonable to suggest that she return the chair and then you'll get the proper one.

Lunde · 27/06/2016 15:12

Next time just tell MIL to buy whatever she wants as you know she is going to anyway.

Chamonix1 · 27/06/2016 15:16

But the chair you wanted yourself and put ugly chair in a cupboard/spare room/ in the garden/garage?

Shizzlestix · 27/06/2016 15:18

Headdesk. Not a chair!!

BendydickCuminsnatch · 27/06/2016 15:18

If you're NC surely she's never in your house? Actually even if my family are around they rarely would go in the bedrooms anyway... My point being, just say thanks (through DH it seems!), buy the 'chair' you want and forget about it.

Teddy12 · 27/06/2016 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CathemeralChild · 27/06/2016 15:22

Whatever the 'chair' is, you do realise that generally small children prefer bright orange monstrosities to anything in tasteful blue and grey?

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