How to approach DH about latest MIL stunt?

[razzlematazzle]

MIL and I are NC. She's a narcissistic PITA, but DH and DS still see her. She takes care of DS once a fortnight for a few hours, against my better judgement, but it was a compromise with DH.

MIL contacted DH recently about what she should by DS for his birthday, having just decorated the nursery I asked him to request a specific type of childrens chair to match. I was intending on getting it for him ourselves but couldn't think of much else at the time so asked MIL to get the chair and we would get something else.

DH then sent her a link to my Pinterest board so she could see exactly what style, colour and type of chair we were after. The chair would be expensive-ish but she's usually happy to lavish DS with expensive gifts.

DH mentioned last week that MIL had seen and bought a cheap version of the chair, would that be OK? As she had thought of a 'better' present that she would like to get him. I said it was fine provided it was in the colours we had requested to match the nursery.

DH currently at work and I've finally gotten round to looking at the chair. It's hideous. Bright orange. Cheap material. Doesn't match our pale blue and grey nursery whatsoever. How do I approach this with DH? He's going to defend her as he's completely oblivious to interior design and MIL knows it! I really want to get him a beautiful wooden chair for his birthday to match the rest of his room, but how do I do this now that MIL has gone all out on a cheap and hideous one to stand in the way of that? I'm really annoyed, even when we're NC she can affect me with her poisonous controlling ways. I need to speak to DH when he gets home from work, but ideally I need to keep him on side! When I'm talking cheap... I'm talking a £10 chair as opposed to a £60 chair. She knows what she's doing. ..

Lesson learned for engaging with it. Send the 'chair' back and buy the one you like. I've recently had to do a similar thing.

Putaplasteron: I hadn't seen the version of what she had bought at this point which is why I couldn't have said it wasn't suitable at the time! I've only seen the one that she has bought today and it really is hideous!

I'd want to buy a toy, if I were her, so i can see her point.

That chair will doubtless break very soon...

How old is your DS? You could suggest that your MIL needs to keep things at her house with her looking after your DS etc and maybe he would love to play with it there? I would just leave it for now wait a week or so after his birthday then suggest a few things to take and keep at MIL's house.

haha you cant! oh will see this as petty as his mum has bought a chair, and another prezzie of her own back

I would give it away. Seems there's a back story you don't want to get into for outing yourself so if it isn't something you want there just put it elsewhere to get rid of it. Up to you.

It would get broken rather quickly unfortunately and I'd have to replace it. Or I'd donate to a charity shop.

Your MIL is a devious. She did it deliberately.

DH won't want to upset MIL by us sending her present back to the shop. My issue isnt rrally with how to deal with MIL but how to put it across to DH that the gift she had bought isn't right so we still need to purchase the one we had planned to buy in the first place.
MIL will no doubt visit at some point over DS' birthday (I will make myself scarce for an hour) and he will feel guilty at his MIL seeing that we have bought the same thing as her but the one we specifically wanted. I know, he shouldn't do and you know he shouldn't do but he's had years of her conditioning! She's clever at making me look like the ungrateful bad guy and her the damsel in distress, this is why I need to approach with care where DH is concerned.

Does it really matter whether it matches the nursery? Your child will neither know nor care and will probably prefer bright colours to tasteful pale blue and grey.

She's already got the narcissist MIL dream come true of contact with DS and DGS and none with you. Tricky about present as it feels like you're being set up to look petty or ungrateful if you say anything, so she gets more of what she wants.

Sounds like it's already a DH problem fundamentally and before the latest shenanigans.

Sorry don't know what to advise here though

Paint it to match

Cover it in fabric or something

Take photos and post it on Facebook

You won't win with reason against her

So win with actual passive aggressive winning

Say nothing apart from 'look how lovely this thing is MIL bought' - don't even refer to your up cycle as it 'can't possibly be important'

I think I'll show DH the Pinterest board again and get him to see how the gift doesn't at all match up with what we wanted or requested. Then I could say "to save creating any issues over it let's just buy the one we wanted to get originally and use the one MIL has got for outside because DS would love that..."

Maybe putting it to him like this would help to show that I'm not ungrateful just acceptin and showing him that a mistake has been made?

And don't mention it to dh

You only win with passive aggression if you look 'innocent'

He will end up looking bafflingly at MIL if she says anything saying 'it's still the same chair, what are you on about '?

Could someone else buy it as they hadn't realised someone else had bought a similar gift but remember you mentioned wanting one? Then you'd have 2 of the same thing which couldn't be helped. You could suggest to DH that MIL could return hers or maybe you could keep one at MIL's house to save her feelings?

Stick it in the garden/garage/playroom etc & buy the chair you want for the bedroom. Position it to your DH that its such a nice present you have put it here so he can get more use out of it.

I don't understand why GPs ask for birthday present suggestions either and then go on to ignore/complain about the suggestions......bizarre !!
I now make no suggestions and tell them to buy what they want to.
Re your current chair situation, I'd not mention it to DH. In a couple of weeks no doubt it will be broken.
I'd pick which battles are important to pursue re MIL; let this one go.

Just seems a lot of drama over nothing

Get the one you want.
Don't tell anyone. Return the hideous orange monstrosity.
Just tell your DH your MIL got exactly what you wanted - how marvellous.
Then when she visits and he says thanks, doesn't it look great? what is she going to say????
You can no doubt game play too.
I know I would. But I'm a cow-bag when I want to be

My advice is don't say anything to your H. When MIL visits, 'chair' will be in situ. In a couple of months' time, buy the one you like.

In future, when asked for present suggestions, let your H or your son reply. Just don't get involved.

Stick with the MIL one until she has visited and then it falls apart anyway.

We had a rocking horse abomination for DC1 when tiny. Oh he LOVED it. You know, how newborns love things... He loved to look at it when it was in the garden and dream of the day he would be old enough to use it. But sadly we left it in the rain and it fell apart. Shame.

It's all a bit late now but given your relationship it was silly to give her a gift suggestion that was so important to you. If you think she is doing it deliberately then you are handing her the perfect opportunity to wind you up. It's almost like you purposely gave her a very specific suggestion knowing she would probably get something different and you could pounce on it with cries of "see! I told you she hates me!"

There's no as to bring this up without looking unhinged so I would suck it up, accept it graciously and pick your battles. Lesson learnt for the future

I'd drop it if I were you. Even though you aren't close to your MIL it's important for your little boy to learn to appreciate gifts especially from someone like grandma.
It doesn't seem like he will be bothered about the colours anyway, so I'd save myself some stress and say thank you :)

Think about all the ways she has controlled in the past/what situations she likes to manipulate. Write a list (or make a mental list). Notice the patterns.

So, offering to buy something you want and then not getting it but something similar goes on the list.

Once you have her tactics nailed you can avoid those situations in the future. An offer to 'help' to buy something can be offset by saying 'buy what you would like to buy'

A good way of dealing with it is to give her all the 'control' without actually giving anything away. So give her a choice to make. Or give her a decoy 'problem' eg. 'I really wanted to get him x toy [any toy you're not actually bothered about]' then she'll say 'oh I'll get it' then get something else entirely but you won't really care because you didn't really want what you asked for in the first place.

It all sounds a bit like game playing but actually she feels safer controlling you, just give her something pretend to control.

Get the chair you want, don't mention it to DH, use MIL's chair somewhere else. If DS has some kind of garden playhouse, I bet the chair would be perfect in there.

It's a chair, your ds won't give a toss about it. Pick your battles, this one s ridiculous.

And with all the "bravo, mil" crap you're coming across really badly. You sound jealous as hell that your dh has a close relationship with his mother and that, despite you going nc, continues to see her. I'm sure you'd rather he stopped seeing her too but clearly he's still going to.