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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal? Or suspicious? Confused.

162 replies

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 22/06/2016 09:32

I'm 7 months pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant months ago, I also found out around about the same time that DP had been cheating on me with someone who lived near him. It was over when I found out. But he used to meet her in his local, he used to live in a place where everybody knows everybody and there was one local they all went to. It was at that local he used to see her. OW is married and was at the time. Her husband doesn't know what happened.

Anyway it was a really hard time and I wanted to leave, he didn't want me to. So we tried again. One of the conditions of me giving him another chance was that he was to stop going to the place where he was meeting up with her, as I couldn't handle that, she still goes there.

Anyway skip to now. DP's very close friend passed away. It was expected but obviously that doesn't make it any easier. After the church the wake will be at this particular pub, this wasn't an issue at all and wasn't mentioned other than him telling me that was where it was. Obviously I have no problem with him going there for the wake and it didn't even cross my mind. He didn't mention it either other than saying that was where it was. All fine.

I asked DP if he wanted me to go to the funeral with him. He said he really really did, he needed my support etc. Anyway so I went out and found an appropriate outfit that would go over my giant stomach now and Sorted out cover for my other responsibilities so I could go and support him.

Skip to today. The funeral is very soon and DP told me on the phone this morning he didn't want me to come. I asked why, seeing as he had been desperate for me to come before, and he said there would only be men there. Which was clearly bollocks and I told him that. Then he said I had to pick DS up from school. Funeral at 10am. Wake starting at 11, I have to leave for the school run at 2:15. So that was bollocks as well, as I'm assuming that even if DP wants to stay longer (which is fine) they wouldn't be locking me in the pub so I couldn't slip out of the wake before him. So I asked what was wrong.

Then he said he would talk to me later and hung up.

So what the fuck is going on? How can he switch so dramatically from desperately wanting me there, to telling me he didn't want me to come at all? Do you think it sounds innocent? Or is there a suspicious reason for it?

I don't want to make a big deal over it because obviously the funeral will be hard for him. But there's something niggling at me telling me there's more to this.

I'll be very happy to be told it all sounds very normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 27/06/2016 01:13

Hi everyone. Sorry it's been an awful weekend. He called me to talk to him Friday so I went round, i didn't want him here, he was pissed and kept shouting at me. I tried to leave then he threatened that if I did he would call social services and tell them I couldn't cope.

I ended up really worried and staying until I came to my senses and realised that
A) disability social services were here two months ago to assess DSs needs and if I needed additional support with the new baby when it arrives, and gave me a glowing report as usual.

B) school knows me well and sees how well cared for DS is.

C) if he did it would just be evidence for me that he is an abusive arse if I ever needed it in the future.

D) he was clearly just saying it to be nasty

So I informed him of all this and managed to eventually go.

I don't know where I found the strength from, I've never spoke to him back like that before but now it's done.

He said other stuff too but it's too late to be going into it all.

Either way it all confirmed what I felt about him, I've been thinking about it all weekend and he really isn't a nice man, I thought he was because he did actually do a lot for me, but everything came at a price and he'd constantly make little digs and I'd always be on edge.

OP posts:
Atenco · 27/06/2016 01:26

How horrible, OP, but in the long run how good you have got him out of your life.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/06/2016 08:02

Bloody well done you! You started to go into your normal mode and then thought "hang on a tick" and stood up for yourself instead, that's brilliant! Mostly because you've managed the turnaround really quite quickly - hurrah!

Sorry that you had the horrible experience but at least it's confirmed what an unpleasant sack of skin he really is. Thanks

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 08:33

Good for you OP I wish I'd have had your guts and left my now exh many years before I did. You can do this and will be fine. Flowers

pictish · 27/06/2016 10:50

Oh he's dreadful. What an appalling individual.

You're going to be ok because you know he is to be got rid of. None of this is your fault...his mask has slipped. It's common for that to happen when a woman is pregnant or has recently given birth. I am very impressed by your clear thinking - you are right.
Create distance and fast.

saffronwblue · 27/06/2016 11:09

How lovely to be heading towards the new baby without feeling on edge from this man.

RandomMess · 27/06/2016 13:19

Well done you. I would also consider reporting the incidence to the police on 101 - what he did is not okay in the eyes of the law!!!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/06/2016 20:51

Well done for not letting him threaten you into obeying him. Ugh, what a foul man, he's prepared to risk his child's wellbeing by making false reports... Who decides it's more important to scare the mother of his children than it is to prioritise his children's stability and need for a mummy. Selfish wanker. No good person does that. No good father does that.

Also sadly it's not uncommon for revolting people to make false reports to bully and abuse families. Social services don't actually believe all these pathetic individuals. Especially in your case where the different functions in children's services can talk to each other if needs be to find out what's really going on.

I do wonder whether it would be a good idea to start getting some of this stuff 'logged' in some way just in case he carries on being a tosser.

IonaNE · 27/06/2016 21:03

Well done, OP, glad to hear.

TheHobbitMum · 27/06/2016 21:26

Well done OP! You can and will find a better man who is worthy of you. You are not a bad mother! Never think that all you've done is show concern for both your babies and as you know of there was any questions over your parenting abilitys the professionals you deal with would've picked up on it already :)

Snowflakes1122 · 27/06/2016 21:50

This vermin has zero respect for you.
You have put up with emotional abuse, and these type of bastards are clever at manipulating emotions and making you feel you couldn't cope without them. And that's bollocks.

normastits5 · 29/06/2016 20:23

Omg what a lucky escape you have had op. In time you will realise this, but in the meantime be really kind to yourself & know that there is no questioning your parenting skills. He's a complete tool & will end up sad & lonely

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