Is this normal? Or suspicious? Confused.

[LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly]

I'm 7 months pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant months ago, I also found out around about the same time that DP had been cheating on me with someone who lived near him. It was over when I found out. But he used to meet her in his local, he used to live in a place where everybody knows everybody and there was one local they all went to. It was at that local he used to see her. OW is married and was at the time. Her husband doesn't know what happened.

Anyway it was a really hard time and I wanted to leave, he didn't want me to. So we tried again. One of the conditions of me giving him another chance was that he was to stop going to the place where he was meeting up with her, as I couldn't handle that, she still goes there.

Anyway skip to now. DP's very close friend passed away. It was expected but obviously that doesn't make it any easier. After the church the wake will be at this particular pub, this wasn't an issue at all and wasn't mentioned other than him telling me that was where it was. Obviously I have no problem with him going there for the wake and it didn't even cross my mind. He didn't mention it either other than saying that was where it was. All fine.

I asked DP if he wanted me to go to the funeral with him. He said he really really did, he needed my support etc. Anyway so I went out and found an appropriate outfit that would go over my giant stomach now and Sorted out cover for my other responsibilities so I could go and support him.

Skip to today. The funeral is very soon and DP told me on the phone this morning he didn't want me to come. I asked why, seeing as he had been desperate for me to come before, and he said there would only be men there. Which was clearly bollocks and I told him that. Then he said I had to pick DS up from school. Funeral at 10am. Wake starting at 11, I have to leave for the school run at 2:15. So that was bollocks as well, as I'm assuming that even if DP wants to stay longer (which is fine) they wouldn't be locking me in the pub so I couldn't slip out of the wake before him. So I asked what was wrong.

Then he said he would talk to me later and hung up.

So what the fuck is going on? How can he switch so dramatically from desperately wanting me there, to telling me he didn't want me to come at all? Do you think it sounds innocent? Or is there a suspicious reason for it?

I don't want to make a big deal over it because obviously the funeral will be hard for him. But there's something niggling at me telling me there's more to this.

I'll be very happy to be told it all sounds very normal.

I think I'd go ask him what earlier phone call was all about.
Why don't you want me going?
Why are you making up reasons for me to not attend?
Explain.

"The fact that he lies, therefore takes away your choice is an abusive and controling behaviour that really is not conducive to an honest, respectful and loving partnership between two people."

Yup. Unfortunately I know all this. I have also told him all this back when it all happened. I also told him, when he tried to make out like I hadn't seen anything and was mistaken, that there was no way I would put up with being gas lighted.

But the fact remains that I'm 7 months pregnant with this man.

LittlePeter, is he really the best that you can do? I know you say that if he left you would have no support but really, do you have it now?

Are you really, really stuck without him or would it just feel odd? I worry for you because he's like this now. I truly believe that you're not as vulnerable right now as you will be with your new baby in the house too. He will really have you where he wants you then. :(

You still have some weeks to go before the birth. Is there ANYBODY else that you can call on for help and support? If it were a matter of life and death, who could you call? I'm honestly not trying to scare you, I just hate to think that you will be corralled into position because you didn't thin you had other options.

You have your own home, that's great. What else do you have and whom else can you ask to help you get sorted out?

Men only funeral - well that's a new one, of course he is lying about that.

To cheat whilst pregnant is the lowest of the low btw, and he is still lying to you, you say you trust him, you shouldn't.

If you have went to the bother of buying an outfit bloody well go.

Thanks elspeth, I've had home start come once before when I seriously injured myself, we had 4 different people each one more rubbish than the last until finally DSs social worker told me that she thought it better they didn't send any more because they weren't helping at all. I couldn't put DS through that again

A men only funeral takes the cake in insultingly ridiculous lies.
Op please don't stay with him just to get assistance with the dc. I understand with am impending birth you feel vulnerable, but don't let that take away your right to be treated with respect and integrity.

To be fair he didn't cheat while I was pregnant, I found out about it while I was pregnant, after he had ended it and she was still chasing him. The texts confirm his story there.

Did he confess?

How did you 'find out'?

I think you need to go today and smell the air before anything else, anyway.

Years ago, women were treated like second class citizens and weren't ''allowed'' to go to certain parts of religious ceremonies.
I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.

But thankfully we've evolved since then.

So his pathetic excuse doesn't wash.

I found out by pretending I knew already.

And I found out even more by asking to look at his phone, which he allowed as he had deleted all his messages. Only the idiot hadn't deleted them, he had archived them (whatsapp) so I just clicked on archive and had a good read while he was sat there thinking I was digging around to find nothing.

But you DO know that he's lying to you. He will continue lying to you. If you don't take action now then fair enough, but expect more of the same.

Attending the funeral is neither here nor there, its really not important.

In your position, I would be getting my 'war chest' ready so that I COULD chuck him out if I wanted to and would have my 'soldiers' in place. I think you're allowing yourself to be distracted from the real problem by the non-issue that this funeral is, sorry.

Go back to basics, did you know the deceased well enough to attend? If no then please don't go. It sounds like you're using the funeral and wake as a backdrop to your drama which is not fair on those who are grieving.

So you called his bluff....

Don't set yourself up for a life of this though Op

He is fundamentally a liar and seems happy to carry on doing so.

I know what you're saying. He has lied today so he is still lying. So that means I can't trust him at all.

Sounds like she is going to be there which will be awful. I think you should stay away and end your relationship with this cheat. Why face years of his lying and you stressing out what he's doing and who he is with. You will meet someone nice in the future who won't cause you all this angst. Don't pin your future on this loser.

I don't know, I think when something like this happens (the affair), you make a choice and you have to have a clean slate with that. You sound like you have done, you've been trusting of him, not thrown it at him every argument (I assume), and all has been well until this. I've been through similar myself and we are now married, with a 1yo and another on the way and I trust him implicitly. I know him much better now and we have both changed a lot since. He has too much to lose to do it again. Anyway, my genuine thought here is that as mentioned, he's realised that the thought of you both in the same room is quite horrendous, or he's scared OW's husband will find out and go for him.

Maybe I'll get flamed for suggesting it but communication is what works in my relationship so I'd sit him down and explain that you know he's freaking out, and just ask him to be honest about why. Don't ask him aggressively, just show you're open to being told what has him upset. I bet it'll just be fear of having you in the same room.

I did know him yes, everyone knew him, he was lovely. Definitely not using it as a back drop to my drama. If I did go, nothing would be mentioned at all that day. The day would be about that man.

The man I have agreed we name our child after.

Sounds like you need to have a plan for being a single parent.

He can't seriously expect you to name your child after a close friend but block you from attending that friend's funeral. That's just bizarre.

Even if you were only originally going to support him, the fact that plenty of people you know will be there (presumably) and you knew and liked the man (again, presumably) gives you every right to go for yourself.

And, on balance, I think you should go. So as not to be elbowed out and so as to see what all this fuss is about. Your eyes are open about him, after all.

Sorry OP. Shit situation.

He is telling you he doesn't want you to go to the funeral of the man you are naming your child after ?

Something stinks to high heaven here.

Part of me wants to just not go.

Not bother him on that day.

Then just tell him to leave.

On one level I can't cope with all this.

On another level. I do actually really need him. I do love him as well. Which would be hard but I'd survive that. But I don't know how I would cope with it all on my own.

Yes I have family, one member or whom can help but only two weeks after the section, which doesn't help me in getting my eldest to school (which is an hour drive away) in the interim.

He won't go on school transport.

Anyfucker... It does doesn't it. Fuck sake.

Totally not on to be expecting you to name your child after somebody but doesn't want you to attend their funeral.

Something fishy.