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Original poster

Is this normal? Or suspicious? Confused.

162 replies

LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 22/06/2016 09:32

I'm 7 months pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant months ago, I also found out around about the same time that DP had been cheating on me with someone who lived near him. It was over when I found out. But he used to meet her in his local, he used to live in a place where everybody knows everybody and there was one local they all went to. It was at that local he used to see her. OW is married and was at the time. Her husband doesn't know what happened.

Anyway it was a really hard time and I wanted to leave, he didn't want me to. So we tried again. One of the conditions of me giving him another chance was that he was to stop going to the place where he was meeting up with her, as I couldn't handle that, she still goes there.

Anyway skip to now. DP's very close friend passed away. It was expected but obviously that doesn't make it any easier. After the church the wake will be at this particular pub, this wasn't an issue at all and wasn't mentioned other than him telling me that was where it was. Obviously I have no problem with him going there for the wake and it didn't even cross my mind. He didn't mention it either other than saying that was where it was. All fine.

I asked DP if he wanted me to go to the funeral with him. He said he really really did, he needed my support etc. Anyway so I went out and found an appropriate outfit that would go over my giant stomach now and Sorted out cover for my other responsibilities so I could go and support him.

Skip to today. The funeral is very soon and DP told me on the phone this morning he didn't want me to come. I asked why, seeing as he had been desperate for me to come before, and he said there would only be men there. Which was clearly bollocks and I told him that. Then he said I had to pick DS up from school. Funeral at 10am. Wake starting at 11, I have to leave for the school run at 2:15. So that was bollocks as well, as I'm assuming that even if DP wants to stay longer (which is fine) they wouldn't be locking me in the pub so I couldn't slip out of the wake before him. So I asked what was wrong.

Then he said he would talk to me later and hung up.

So what the fuck is going on? How can he switch so dramatically from desperately wanting me there, to telling me he didn't want me to come at all? Do you think it sounds innocent? Or is there a suspicious reason for it?

I don't want to make a big deal over it because obviously the funeral will be hard for him. But there's something niggling at me telling me there's more to this.

I'll be very happy to be told it all sounds very normal.

OP posts:
NeverbuytheDailyMail · 22/06/2016 09:56

Cross post with scoop re pub - sorry

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 22/06/2016 09:58

No I really don't like living like this. I hate it. I thought it was fine and I actually trusted him again and it was all going well. But this has just made me not trust him all over again.

The fact is, that I would really struggle, both financially and physically, to bring up this baby on my own, with having DS as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 22/06/2016 09:58

Be back in a bit just getting home

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 22/06/2016 10:00

I know he can still cheat, but if he ever does I'm gone

With respect, I doubt he believes you'd be gone. You have tolerated it already and not only did you completely forgive him but you moved in with him.

You may have to put your money where your mouth is this time.

pictish · 22/06/2016 10:02

I agree that this is horrible for you, you have my utmost sympathy.
I'd be green at being fed those excuses myself. He is proving himself to be habitually deceitful and that's got to make you question his integrity as a human being.

I'd be saying all this to him though. If there's one thing I have gained in life it's confidence in my own intuition. I won't stand for being fed pish and blether and I'm blunt as all hell about it.

Only1scoop · 22/06/2016 10:04

His excuses sound pathetic, panicky and tbh an insult to your intelligence.

Be careful, he could just be pushing things further under stones. Very difficult to regain trust.... and more lies, even tiny ones in the cauldron, will always leave it simmering....

notapizzaeater · 22/06/2016 10:07

I hope it's something just that he doesn't want you in the same room and nothing more.

pictish · 22/06/2016 10:10

Elspeth is right too. I'm not making any judgement call on you for taking him back after his infidelity but she speaks the truth. He knows you're not going to walk now. So do we.

You ought to go in there like a ton of shit and call him out for the liar he is. Don't be persuaded that it's you with the problem and don't let him get angry with you either - one of the very worst things about liars is the way they react with wounded, furious outrage when they are confronted. How very dare you be right about them!

If he's got a shred of respect for either of you, he'll back down. And then you might get to the bottom of it. Might.

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc · 22/06/2016 10:10

"Don't be ridiculous, I've bought a dress and made arrangements already. I want to be there to support you at the funeral."

DrCoconut · 22/06/2016 10:11

If OW is going to be there a more sensible reaction would be to tell you he has found out she's going and want you there even more to show there's nothing to hide. This sounds suspicious at worst or as though he's not sure how to handle the situation his own actions have put him in at best.

BertPuttocks · 22/06/2016 10:13

Have you seen OW's husband since the affair?

If not, it's possible that OW is worried that you might tell him about what happened.

Either way, this doesn't sound like normal behaviour. The excuses were beyond pathetic. A men-only funeral? Hmm

pictish · 22/06/2016 10:13

Bear in mind it could just be the potential horror of all of you being in the same space. But really, if it is that, he should just tell you so, rather than dream up stories to cover his arse.
Men only - I'd be insulted. Fuck. Off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/06/2016 10:14

I wouldn't go. It's not your friend, it's your DP's very close friend (as per your OP). He's reneged, doesn't want you there so don't go. You asked his opinion at the start so were prepared to go with that then. Nothing's changed.

This man really isn't behaving like a partner to you. You've known of his affair and have forgiven it, nothing has changed for him. He's feeling that he's 'cock of the walk' and can do what he likes - because he can. He's had no consequences.

I realise that you're pregnant and this isn't an ideal time but I would look at my options to split. You'd be losing nothing other than a lying, selfish man who has been cheating on you and is STILL lying.

What options do you have to leave, OP?

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 22/06/2016 10:19

Well, I know it's not a men only funeral because for a start his sister who's planning it will be there with her 3 daughters...

I'm at home now and he's banging around the nursery like a bear with a sore arse. I haven't spoken to him about it yet other than asking him what is wrong with him and he's just said something about being in a bad mood for no reason.

Clearly something is bothering him.

OP posts:
LaConnerie · 22/06/2016 10:21

In your position I would have to go to the funeral. Don't give him a choice.

Then hold your head high and blank this woman if she makes any attempt to come anywhere near you. Hopefully her husband will wonder why and start doing a little digging himself. Or actually I don't think I could resist saying something to her in front of him - but then I'm horrible.

Sorry you've been put in this horrible position OP Flowers

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 10:21

What an absolute bastard to put you through this when you're heavily pg. What a bastard to make that call then call off without explaining, leaving you hanging.

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 22/06/2016 10:22

I wouldn't have to leave, this is my house, we aren't married, and if I told him to go he would.

The issue is. How the fuck do I manage a baby, and a child who is regularly blue lighted to hospital every couple of months, on my own? How would I recover from a c section, while having to care for DS without any support?

I wouldn't. I'm fucked without him right now and I'm pretty sure he knows it.

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/06/2016 10:23

He will be crapping himself about OW's H finding out at the funeral and is taking it out on you. Nice that he's concerned for her eh?

0dfod · 22/06/2016 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 22/06/2016 10:23

This is not a reliable man.

Original poster
LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly · 22/06/2016 10:24

I've had plenty of chances to tell OWs husband about the affair since I found out. I just haven't done. I don't really know him, I don't know anything about her other than passing them both in the street and what DP told me at the time, which was all the usual bollocks about her husband being a bastard anyway.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 22/06/2016 10:24

OK, I am not in any way excusing what he has done. He has been a bastard, and he is very, very lucky that you are willing to put the effort into this for the future.

However, he may just have panicked at the thought of the two of you in the same room, esp if alcohol is involved. It doesn't necessarily mean he's meeting her for a shag - in fact, that would be odd at a funeral, especially as it sounds as though he's quite upset.

I really think you should go. You're bound to bump into her at some point, and getting it over and done with, with dignity, as a family is important. I would just ignore her presence entirely.

ElspethFlashman · 22/06/2016 10:24

Get in contact with Home Start and ask what help might be available for starters.

FetchezLaVache · 22/06/2016 10:25

I would tell him that if he's worried you will see or hear something at the wake that won't be to your liking, he had better front up with it now if he's got any respect for you at all and wants to go on being in a relationship with you.

LaConnerie · 22/06/2016 10:25

Obvious question OP but do you have any family nearby at all for support? Or do you have any further away who you could go and stay with for a while (after getting your P out of your house, that is).

I know it's hard, but it seems absolutely shit that you have to put up with this cock lodger just because you're 'fucked without him right now'.