Is this normal? Or suspicious? Confused.

[LittlePeterRabbitAndHisFly]

I'm 7 months pregnant.

When I found out I was pregnant months ago, I also found out around about the same time that DP had been cheating on me with someone who lived near him. It was over when I found out. But he used to meet her in his local, he used to live in a place where everybody knows everybody and there was one local they all went to. It was at that local he used to see her. OW is married and was at the time. Her husband doesn't know what happened.

Anyway it was a really hard time and I wanted to leave, he didn't want me to. So we tried again. One of the conditions of me giving him another chance was that he was to stop going to the place where he was meeting up with her, as I couldn't handle that, she still goes there.

Anyway skip to now. DP's very close friend passed away. It was expected but obviously that doesn't make it any easier. After the church the wake will be at this particular pub, this wasn't an issue at all and wasn't mentioned other than him telling me that was where it was. Obviously I have no problem with him going there for the wake and it didn't even cross my mind. He didn't mention it either other than saying that was where it was. All fine.

I asked DP if he wanted me to go to the funeral with him. He said he really really did, he needed my support etc. Anyway so I went out and found an appropriate outfit that would go over my giant stomach now and Sorted out cover for my other responsibilities so I could go and support him.

Skip to today. The funeral is very soon and DP told me on the phone this morning he didn't want me to come. I asked why, seeing as he had been desperate for me to come before, and he said there would only be men there. Which was clearly bollocks and I told him that. Then he said I had to pick DS up from school. Funeral at 10am. Wake starting at 11, I have to leave for the school run at 2:15. So that was bollocks as well, as I'm assuming that even if DP wants to stay longer (which is fine) they wouldn't be locking me in the pub so I couldn't slip out of the wake before him. So I asked what was wrong.

Then he said he would talk to me later and hung up.

So what the fuck is going on? How can he switch so dramatically from desperately wanting me there, to telling me he didn't want me to come at all? Do you think it sounds innocent? Or is there a suspicious reason for it?

I don't want to make a big deal over it because obviously the funeral will be hard for him. But there's something niggling at me telling me there's more to this.

I'll be very happy to be told it all sounds very normal.

I think I'm going to put it to him like that later when we've both calmed down enough to have a reasonable conversation. I'll ask him why he would ban me from the funeral of a man he wants me to name my child after. That way it shows it needs to be a bloody good reason, the truth. Or he can just fuck off with it all.

Okay. Do you have a spare room?
Even if you don't could you ask around and see if anyone has an au pair who is looking for some extra hours?
Why can't you DC use transport to school? Can you argue their needs aren't being met so as to get an escort/ taxi service? Can you lift share?

DS won't go on transport. He won't go with strangers at all. we've tried in the last but there was absolutely no way I was getting him out of that door.

I have no money for an au pair unfortunately. Without DP I will be on the bones of my backside again. It's doable, but obviously not with expenses like au pairs.

OP, if the worse happens you share childcare 50/50 but at least you don't have to stay trapped with someone.

Plus to make things even harder, he won't even get in strange cars anymore since a stupid drunk driver almost killed us both and herself.

Tell him you're going to the funeral OP. He can't stop you. You are naming your child after this person. You have every right! Grr. WTF is he up to - last thing you need at 7 months pregnant

Could it just be that most of his friends are not taking their partners, and/or are single, and he just wants to go out on a session ... ?

Sharing childcare 50/50 is fine, when I stop breastfeeding. I doubt he would want that though as he works 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and loves his job.

The biggest problem would be the initial 6 weeks after the section, with me not being able to drive.

But how were you going to do that even with your partner? If he works 12 hr shifts 5 days a week he wasn't going to be much use with pick ups and drop offs anyway? What was the plan before today after your section?

He stopped drinking in January so I don't think he wants to go out on a session. Plus after the wake he is going back to his friends old house with his sister because his friend wanted him to choose one of his things for his hobby to keep (trying not to out myself here, they both spent time together doing a particular hobby in which the equipment is expensive and sentimental, he told his sister he wants DP to choose one of the pieces of equipment to keep)

I obviously wouldn't be going there with him anyway, by that time I would be home with my DS. So if he wanted to go on a vender afterwards, me going to the first bit wouldn't get in the way of that

He has booked holiday off after my section. 2 weeks holiday, 2 weeks unpaid and my family member could then do the last two weeks

Plus the 12 hours he works are 6pm-6am. So he's always around in the day (albeit asleep a lot of it) if absolutely needed

And he couldn't do that unless he lived in the same house? He'd refuse otherwise and leave you fucked?

I'm sorry you are going through this stress OP. I really am. I discovered in January that my DH had been having an emotional affair/sexting a work colleague and - although it's been over now for much longer than it ever lasted - how very hard it is to trust again & how every possibly suspicious situation sends you into panic.

In your case, it could be that he initially didn't think the OW (or her DH!) was going to the funeral - but now knows that she/he is, and doesn't want you meeting face to face. If the OW's DH knows nothing about the affair, your DP might be terrified of it all coming out and overshadowing his friend's funeral. You say you saw messages from the OW encouraging DP to continue the affair after he had ended it - maybe she's still interested in rekindling & has told him she'll tell you "everything"? By "everything" I mean intimate details you probably wouldn't ever want to know!

Of course, it might be because OW is threatening to present you with evidence of further cheating by your DP. Of course it might be because other mutual friends of DP & the OW, or pub regulars, might let things slip that they assume you know already but don't.

It could be terminal for your relationship. But it might not be as bad as you think.

I would still go to the funeral though as if you don't you'll always wonder what the issue was. And you don't need that extra stress at the moment do you? At least if you know, you can decide whether it's something you can cope with or not.

True, he's lying about something and he definitely shouldn't be. But whether you want to end things or not, you need to know what the lie is exactly.

Take care .

I have no idea. From past experience of men, most likely. Plus if DS doesn't see him for the next 2 months I don't even know if he'll then go with him.

He is responsible for his children, just like you - the fact you think he will disappear says it all.

So sorry he's doing this to you. He is very obviously lying because he's scared about something, but whether that something is that he doesn't trust you to say nothing, or he doesn't trust her to say nothing, is not clear.

I do hope you go, I hope it turns out to be nothing and I hope that he seriously gets his act together and turns himself around to be a decent man and father to your baby.

for you.

The funeral was at 10am.

I think you should look into the financial situation if you split: benefits you'd get, child maintenance he would have to pay. And think about realistic child contact arrangements and other childcare support you could get (family, friends, professionals).

You can do it without being in a relationship. Life will be easier when you're not trying to work out whether the fucker is lying and/or cheating yet again.

Maybe he can't cope with the thought of the two of you being in the same room as he thinks it will be awkward. (Tough, he made his bed...)

Can you ask him why he lied about it being a men only funeral and see what his reaction is?

Hope today is going ok.

Your GP can certify you fit to drive before 6 weeks, if you ask them. My DS was in NICU, miles away. It took me 90 minutes on the bus to go to visit him and I've got older DC at school, so the GP signed me fit to drive

hopefully he's just twitchy about her going. Be prepared though. Good luck x

Sorry the funeral isn't today. When I said soon I meant in the next few days without giving the details away

In that case, talk to him tonight (or whenever you have some time together, but ASAP) and ask why he changed his mind about you going to the funeral. Demand an honest answer. And ask why he made up that bullshit fucking excuse about it being "men only". He needs to stop taking the piss and the only chance of him doing that is for you to call him out on his nonsense.

I spoke to him half an hour ago.

I asked what went on this morning and he said "I don't know, it's nothing thingy"

I said well telling me you really need me to go to the funeral with you, then doing a complete u turn and banning me from the funeral of a man you expect me to name my child after sounds very 'thingy'

He said what dodgy and I said yes so he then said "right well I want you to come then"

Then he shut down the conversation.

So I'm still none the wiser really.