Shocked by what I've been putting up with. WWYD?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

I'm on a different thread which prompted me to write a list of my husband's behaviour which I see as unreasonable. Anyone managed to salvage a marriage from a similar situation? What did you do?

I feel quite hopeless. And nauseous...

"Unreasonable behaviour claims:

-Withdrawal of love and affection
-Refusal to have sexual relationship with me
-Refusal to have me sleep in the marital bed
-Financial secrecy
-Alcohol abuse with occasional verbal abuse
-Refusal to actively participate in marriage counselling
-Refusal to have symptoms of ASD assessed
-Refusal to attend AA or GP for help with alcohol misuse.
-Refusal to accommodate my desire to work
-Refusal to participate in running the household
-Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of the children.
-Complete lack of empathy and emotion
-Complete withdrawal to the computer or ipad or tv.
-Complete lack of socialising as a couple or family.
-All love and affection has disappeared

For ten years I have had no companionship, intimacy or solidarity at home. I am isolated and lonely. I am parenting alone and have never had support from my husband to manage some of the very difficult situations that family life has presented. He has never come to a parents’ night (he did attend the parents’ meeting when our daughter was starting P1 and S1). He has never attended a hospital appointment or A+E visit. My husband has often been positively obstructive towards my attempts to manage the difficulties of having a chronically unwell child.
When I was abroad with work for 4 weeks we exchanged 23 words. He then accused me of being unfaithful.

My husband acknowledges that he has consistently neglected our marriage and that this has had a marked effect on my mental well being. I am under the care of my GP and a psychologist. My symptoms of anxiety are worse in my husband’s presence.

It is better for our children to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become and a mother who is mentally unwell. "

Oh and we did try counselling, but the counsellor said that successful counselling relies on empathy and as xh had none, it wouldn't work! She then suggested he might be aspie

That's very encouraging, Mark.

Yes, I think he'd be happier with his own space and scheduled time with the kids.

I upset him by saying there was no empathy. He says I'm being rude about him. This is despite the many, many examples of him having zero insight into what most people need - like not coming to take me home from hospital stay on my birthday after having a horrible few days of early labour with our second kid, and all the worry that entails. He came for me at 10pm, because he was watching the football on tv and "didn't realise" I'd want to come home ASAP. There's a few such stories. Am wondering why I was so blind.

FFS.

FFS.

FFS.

It is a horrible realisation when it becomes apparent that it can't be fixed

Try not to focus too much on the negatives of a 'broken home' - you and your h will still both be loving parents and maybe you will even be friends. I still share birthdays and xmases with the ex, sometimes with one or both of our new partners too. It is perfectly possible to have a smooth transition to dual households if you are both in agreement that it is for the best. Xx

Having been the child, and mum thought she should stay for the kids, please don't. We were so miserable and wished she left him years before she did. Your kids need YOU to be happy, happy doesn't have to be together.

The glint is self-propelling with its own DNA. Not to worry

Mark, that's me today.

It's a bit like the tide going out, isn't it? Just slowly, slowly, slowly until you suddenly realise you can just about walk across to the headland without drowning.

We have been childfree for 5 hours. He has not spoken to me. He HAS tidied the kitchen, cut the grass, done something with the lawnmower and is now ironing.

None of those are the things I asked him to do. I asked him to find a marriage counsellor and talk to me about it.

There is nothing I can do here. In 5 hours he has not made the time to sort out our evaporating marriage.

I actually feel ok with that, well, right now I do. I'll be fine. Kids will be fine. He's going to crumble...so, I need to resist the urge to fix that for him, huh?

I'm away to work in half an hour. There's gin in the cupboard and he's home alone. Who wants to take bets that he'll drink it?

Want to take bets he will then somehow blame you for being mean and "making" him drink?

Gin's still there! But, yes, Rabbit, there has been a pattern of that.

I've had two glasses of fizz...leaving the rest in the fridge. I'm not nice.

Had a bubble today (apart from the fizz). Was imagining telling my parents that I've left him. I'm struggling with the feelings of letting THEM down too, they were so pleased for us, and we had a lovely wedding, and they delight in the kids. But, they're not stupid, they can see what's not quite right, even though I try to hide it.

Anyway, in my daydream we stayed with them for six months and it was like the Waltons and lovely.

G'nitejonboy

yeah, he's feeling the lack of booze.

He's been an absolute arse to the kids tonight.

We had a chat this morning where he was all "boo hoo hoo, I love you, I'll do anything" and I said "well, it's been a decade, why haven't you done something before now?" "I didn't realise it was serious"

He'd like to go to marriage counselling as long as I agree to look to the future and not dwell on the past.

I think we could afford to rent a one bedroomed flat and share it - so, he's here 3 nights a week with the kids, I'm here four. We alternate weekends. There are some one bedroomed flats within walking distance of home. I think that's the solution for the short term.

Poor kids. "It's not normal for kids that old to sleep with their mum" "they're looking for comfort. Did it never occur to you to wonder WHY?" "oh. No, I hadn't thought of that"

Jeezo.

Shared flat and shared house? Holy god no. You have to clean up his shit in two properties? Rely on him to do the dishes before it is your turn be there. Share the same sheets?

Bollocks.

Hadn't thought about that.

Had planned on taking a sleeping bag for me!

But, yep, you're right. He does feck all here.

It's just so expensive.

Anyway, his mother rang and "left a message for you" "me?" "yes" "not for you?" "I don't want to talk to her" "and you think that it'd be a good idea for me to?" "Oh, yeah, I'll ring her"

He's not enjoying me replying with the obvious. I am, however, fecking loving stating it.

"He'd like to go to marriage counselling as long as I agree to look to the future and not dwell on the past."

No no no no. Cheeky fucker wants a free pass for all the shit he's put you through, wants you to somehow forget it all happens and start playing the perfect happy wife... Fuck that.

LTB LTB LTB

And you each need your own place to live!

I know, Emma.

I said "but, your behaviour has made me mentally ill, there ARE consequences, even if you think it's possible to just roll the blind on things"

Two places are sooooo expensive.

But, you're right.

Kids are starting to indicate their unhappiness. Either I've been blind to it (and, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I doubt that) or, they see that thing are changing. They're ok, but, clingy. Verbalising negative things about their dad)

I have a couple of other recommendations for lawyers.

Done.

No there isn't. Sorry

There is no hope.

It's not necessarily his fault. He can't be what yu want, need and deserve. He can't be want th kids want, need and deserve the way things are.

They know. They are nt happy. They are starting to verbalise it.

You are not blowing their world apart. You are doing the best you can for EVERYONE.

So, why isn't he?

He's not prepared to go for a diagosis of AS. He wants to be given the benefit of the doubt, but, won't take responsibility and seek a diagnosis. Says "no".

Same with anyone to help with alcohol dependency. Says "no".

It's quite difficult to keep a straight face. It's like David Walliams with "computer say "no"". Only, it's our lives.

The kids are so content. Apart from the misery. They are thriving. It's not fair on them.

When you say two houses is expensive, remember you will only be paying for one of them! And I think you said you have money tied up in the house?

There is cash in the house, well, unless Brexit goes diastrously wrong in the next 6 months!

And, if I was smart, we'd move nearer my family where I could live very nearly mortgage free. But then, that means new schools, and him only having them alternate weekends, not through the week. Though, TBH, I doubt he'd be that keen to have them and do a school run.

He has not done the things I need of him. Still sober, but, like a bear with a sore head and his default setting remains Grumpy Man. Made a big effort with the kids this morning, but, it was clear that it was an effort.

Spoke to a friend who's a social worker working in families. She said she'd not be happy about him being in charge of our kid who's dramatic. I'll get some advice about how that might work.

Feels like I'm planning to leave, not trying to make it work any more. It's just so very sad.

Yes, it is sad and I'm sorry

You will find it liberating in the long run. Going to near your parents sounds like a good idea; ready-made support network?

You can make long-distance parent/child relationships work.

It sounds like it's the best thing, it's like ripping a plaster off, it hurts more if you do it but by bit, just bloody pull it off !

Am picking at the edges of the plaster.

Got some advice yesterday - turns out that the financial help I'd be entitled to is manageable. I'm really surprised, I thought that we'd be impoverished (not that we have a fancy lifestyle, it all goes into the house, but, the kids do some wee clubs and school trips and we have a camping holiday once a year). In actual fact, I could manage with a part time job.

Been trying to think of times where I have been supported by him. S ince we got married there has been only one - where he frogmarched me to the GP a few months ago because my tic was so awful I couldn't speak. And, that wasn't really done with kindness, it was more by the scruff of my neck. And, he was a good birth partner for our first child. Not so good for the second two.

Pick, pick, pick.

Oh dear, that's a very short list
Glad you've looked into the finances and been pleasantly surprised.
Keep tugging at the plaster!

Plan so far is - go on holiday as planned, the kids need it and I can tolerate it/fake it for the sake of the kids. Lots of walking and whatnot, it's booked and will be peaceful.

Come home after a week, leave him to it for the second week.

Rent a flat for 6-12 months - it's really expensive round here, but, there are some flats that I could just about make work.

Not as nice as round here, but, safe and close enough to school. He can stay here. Try and get 50:50 childcare with him - but I'd be 5 mins away in the car, get the younger kids phones and any health problems I'll be back here in a flash. I'd do after school and tea for the kids at mine, they could go home on his nights, he sorts out the morning school run. I'd be able to pick up some work in school hours - assuming that the middle kid remains well.

So, formally separate and move out, then sell the house and I'll move near my folks. That'd all have to happen before this time next year so our eldest isn't disrupted during exam years.

Am not feeling sad today. Just tired. He's so very foolish.

Have you had any legal advice? If not, you could call the Rights of Women helpline.

Sorry but I think you're deluded yourself that 50/50 contact is a good idea.

Thanks for that. Very helpful.

I didn't realise we didn't HAVE to go to court. Or that going to court is eyewateringly expensive.

50:50 would work if I was 5 mins away, DH is sober and he came to appointments and demonstrated that he's competent, that the boy has a phone and I check he's complied every night and I have them after school and keep the middle one if he's unwell.

So, sort of supervised 50:50. If my long term goal is to relocate I need DH to have a shot at managing the kids on his own. He's never done it, well, for an overnight maybe. Which consists of ordered in pizza, late to bed, no tooth brushing and a bit of shouting. He'll not manage without learning how to do it, will he?

There's a lot of "if's". But, seeing their daddy is good for children. As long as their daddy is sober and competent, obvs.