Shocked by what I've been putting up with. WWYD?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

I'm on a different thread which prompted me to write a list of my husband's behaviour which I see as unreasonable. Anyone managed to salvage a marriage from a similar situation? What did you do?

I feel quite hopeless. And nauseous...

"Unreasonable behaviour claims:

-Withdrawal of love and affection
-Refusal to have sexual relationship with me
-Refusal to have me sleep in the marital bed
-Financial secrecy
-Alcohol abuse with occasional verbal abuse
-Refusal to actively participate in marriage counselling
-Refusal to have symptoms of ASD assessed
-Refusal to attend AA or GP for help with alcohol misuse.
-Refusal to accommodate my desire to work
-Refusal to participate in running the household
-Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of the children.
-Complete lack of empathy and emotion
-Complete withdrawal to the computer or ipad or tv.
-Complete lack of socialising as a couple or family.
-All love and affection has disappeared

For ten years I have had no companionship, intimacy or solidarity at home. I am isolated and lonely. I am parenting alone and have never had support from my husband to manage some of the very difficult situations that family life has presented. He has never come to a parents’ night (he did attend the parents’ meeting when our daughter was starting P1 and S1). He has never attended a hospital appointment or A+E visit. My husband has often been positively obstructive towards my attempts to manage the difficulties of having a chronically unwell child.
When I was abroad with work for 4 weeks we exchanged 23 words. He then accused me of being unfaithful.

My husband acknowledges that he has consistently neglected our marriage and that this has had a marked effect on my mental well being. I am under the care of my GP and a psychologist. My symptoms of anxiety are worse in my husband’s presence.

It is better for our children to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become and a mother who is mentally unwell. "

There's nothing here to save, you're miserable and he's damaging your mental health, do you really think trying to salvage something so broken is really the best option for your children? Your setting an example to your children and that's currently a loveless marriage full of alcohol abuse, misery, and a refusal to take part in their lives - is this what you want them to think marriage is? Would you want them to settle for this?

So he's an alcoholic - well then you know who his first love is then - or at least what owns him.

Have you been in contact with Alanon - they might help you see more clearly.

Your DC will be much better off not living with an alcoholic (it doesn't matter how much you believe you shelter them from).

As to AS - it isn't a pass to be a twat - it can make relationships trickier but doesn't make someone selfish. Please stop insulting people who have been diagnosed.

(He may be self medicating with alcohol to avoid dealing with his real problems but that is no reason to inflict him on your children and yourself.)

I have done a few aspergers tests online and score incredibly highly. Spent a lifetime of being called a bit odd. I do not behave like your husband though, he just sounds nasty and even if someone does have aspergers its not a get out card for shitty behaviour, no condition is.

FFS, I am not saying that all people with AS are twats. I'm saying "my husband is a twat, I suspect he is also on the spectrum". The two things are not mutually exclusive.

One of our kids is spectrummy. He gets help to see things from someone else's POV. My DH could re-learn how to do that with me, he used to back when I was a project but, that would mean him seeking a diagnosis and engaging with some sort of help. It would mean there's hope. It is not wrong to hope your marriage could work out.

If he's willing to see the GP/AA then there's hope.

He's currently saying he'll do neither. So, there is no hope.

That's a bit of a shock to me, even if MN thinks it's perfectly obvious.

He's given up drinking after finishing a bottle of wine? Has he given up until about 6 o'clock tonight, then? You're having a pointless discussion with him - he is just saying words to get you to stop talking.

There is very little hope, even if he goes to AA.

Why, exactly, are you hanging on? To a dirty old rag (ie your marriage); a depleted field with no nutrients. Why are you hanging on to that?

Are you codependent? Perhaps you feel he's YOUR project. Fine, if you want to do that for yourself - your life to piss up the wall - but you're dragging kids through this. You have responsibilities towards them - and they come first, not him (or you).

how can I leave him for being wired differently to me?

OP, you can leave for the simple reason that you are desperately unhappy. That is enough.

more for you.

Like SpringDaffs I also wondered if you were co-dependent. I would definetly check out Al Anon and there may be CoDA meetings near you too. You could read up on co-depenedency in this classic text:
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00BS027FC/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

You don't seem ready yet to leave - but you should keep thinking that way and learning about your options and working to accept that you are being abused. This book by Lundy Bancroft should help you to think about your situation, where to draw boundaries and how to free yourself
www.amazon.co.uk/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can---Should--be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC

Be kind to yourself, start trying to mentally detach, you can still leave a relationship while also still loving and wanting to care for that person.

If you are codependent you'll have to go through some cold turkey re stop caring for lost causes.

That's interesting - I'd never really thought about co-dependency, didn't really know what it meant. Found this, I got 32, which seems to say that I'm not. www.winning-teams.com/codependent_test.html

However, this article mentions "counter dependency" - which is DH to a tee. www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm And, that suggests that the two go together. So, maybe I am.

Thanks to the thread I've been mulling over why I am reluctant to leave him. It's partly because I am stubborn and I meant my marriage vows when I made them, and was sure I could find a way to make this work. But, it's mostly because I don't know that DH'll get access to our kid who's been poorly.

DH's never come to an appointment, not ever. He's made mistakes with medication, not followed protocol (leading to more than one HDU admission and a warning about child protection, totally fair) and I am not confident that being apart will be better than being together - there is potential for this to get really messy. Even if he did get equal access (which is best for the kids, obviously) - I just don't trust him to get the medication right and spot warning signs that the child is unwell.

DH seems to have face blindness, he can't recognise people (including our other son when he had a mouth guard in and his own mother when she popped up somewhere unexpected). Which means that he is oblivious to spotting the colour change of our boy when he's becoming unwell. So, I worry about leaving him in charge.

Having said that, the child is now 10 and better able to articulate when he's unwell. I however, am still wary, there have been too many life threatening situations for me to relax.

I'm going to talk to a lawyer and see what the access situation might be. And what I'd be entitled to and what the process of separation might look like.

I've spent an hour reading the Relate pages about separation. It's possible for us to separate whilst still under the same roof. That might work for a bit.

Interestingly, I could afford a house near my parents. Which would mean moving 2 hours away from DH. Which seems a bit harsh on the kids, but, I can't see a way of me being able to work without having family support. I can't see a way of me separating without family support, either.

Springy - "caring for lost causes" sums up my marital problem. I do care, and it is lost. Very sad.

which is best for the kids, obviously

HOW is it best for the kids if he's endangered their lives and has been under a child protection warning because of his negligence!

You're not called Pollyanna, are you?

Get real sweetheart

The child protection thing wasn't followed up - it was an inevitable consequence of three life threatening episodes which were not dealt with as per the protocol. So, instead of phoning an ambulance I took DS in the car (because DH wouldn't come and pick us up), then DH failed to notice DS being blue and put him to bed instead of following the protocol and then DH failed to give DS his medication for a weekend when I was away, and, didn't follow protocol which lead to another HDU admission.

What I did to manage this was just to take over.

You're totally right about me being Pollyanna. This is't sustainable.

Doesn't make it easy, less disappointing or less sad, though.

Oh, is that all? He nearly killed your kid/s but the warning wasn't followed up so it would be better for them if he got custody.

Bloody hell Stealth, your last post is terrifying. You can't surely think it's better to carry on this way?

As for equal access, it doesn't sound as though that would be 'best' for your DCs. It sounds as though access would potentially be dangerous for at least one of them.

No, what I mean is that it will be complicated and messy to sort out.

A friend of mine had a great arrangement with his ex. They separated, he bought a house three or four doors down. Their kid flitted between houses, it was very organic and happy.

I'm apprehensive, our situation is going to be a lot more angst ridden.

I'll have a chat with our kid's specialist nurse too. See what she thinks their team would be happy with.

I can see why you're frustrated with me. Put a wee cushion on your desk, though, don't want you getting a concussion!

So what would have happened if your boy had died because of your husband's negligence?

Would you still have tried to stick with poor him because he can't help it?

I am astounded you are registering negative for codependency. You have it, or something, so bad you're coming across as not right in the head. I don't mean to be rude - but you were JOKING up thread about an incredibly serious situation. If you were in a den with hungry lions I'd be about as concerned for you and your children's safey.

Will - I know. I'm kind of welling up now.

It's been fecking awful. I've just coped and coped and gotten on with things. It took until that for me to 'fess up to his medical team that they should think of me as a single parent.

You're all right. This is pretty shit. WTF have I been doing trying to keep this family unit together?

It's his mess. If he can't come to hospital appointments to keep his son safe then he needs to suck up the consequences of that.

Not welling up now, just cross.

The co dependancy thing did say something about using humour defensively.

How far does this have to go before you accept the happy family you have in your head is a fantasy?

Does he actually have to kill one of your children for you to face facts?

I'm going to pick up the kids from their wee class.

I'll read more about co-dependency - that's only one probably naff, self assessment thingie on the net. No idea of it's validity.

Thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it.

You're right, Gloria.

I'm listening.

You're on another planet if you want this hippy commune shit with him just up the road.

By rights, if your boy died because of your husband's negligence (which he SO EASILY could have) you should be prosecuted too for not protecting them; an accomplice.

CoDA

Oh dear
No, I'm sorry but he shouldn't be having unsupervised contact with your son who isn't well. I'm a sw and I'd want to see some serious commitment, training, dedication before I could be happy that he could have sole care of him, at all.