Shocked by what I've been putting up with. WWYD?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

I'm on a different thread which prompted me to write a list of my husband's behaviour which I see as unreasonable. Anyone managed to salvage a marriage from a similar situation? What did you do?

I feel quite hopeless. And nauseous...

"Unreasonable behaviour claims:

-Withdrawal of love and affection
-Refusal to have sexual relationship with me
-Refusal to have me sleep in the marital bed
-Financial secrecy
-Alcohol abuse with occasional verbal abuse
-Refusal to actively participate in marriage counselling
-Refusal to have symptoms of ASD assessed
-Refusal to attend AA or GP for help with alcohol misuse.
-Refusal to accommodate my desire to work
-Refusal to participate in running the household
-Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of the children.
-Complete lack of empathy and emotion
-Complete withdrawal to the computer or ipad or tv.
-Complete lack of socialising as a couple or family.
-All love and affection has disappeared

For ten years I have had no companionship, intimacy or solidarity at home. I am isolated and lonely. I am parenting alone and have never had support from my husband to manage some of the very difficult situations that family life has presented. He has never come to a parents’ night (he did attend the parents’ meeting when our daughter was starting P1 and S1). He has never attended a hospital appointment or A+E visit. My husband has often been positively obstructive towards my attempts to manage the difficulties of having a chronically unwell child.
When I was abroad with work for 4 weeks we exchanged 23 words. He then accused me of being unfaithful.

My husband acknowledges that he has consistently neglected our marriage and that this has had a marked effect on my mental well being. I am under the care of my GP and a psychologist. My symptoms of anxiety are worse in my husband’s presence.

It is better for our children to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become and a mother who is mentally unwell. "

I am very sorry but the best thing for your children is not your home at it stands as it is not stable. Why you would want to fix this is beyond me. You do know that do amount of dancing to his tune is going to make him change the way he treats you or how he behaves? I wonder why your self esteem is so trashed that you want to stay. And why would you want to set this example to your children - as they will see this blueprint and create the same awful relationship for themselves when they grow up. Hardly a shining example of stability is it?

You sound like you make each other quite unhappy. He can't tolerate any semblance of a relationship with you - no affection or comfort. Even without children, it's unfair on both of you individually to live so unhappily. It's even more unfair that this will shape what your children see as a functional relationship. They will model themselves on you. They will go through what you are going through, this unhappiness and isolation, because they'll follow the example you've set.

Some of his behaviours you could excuse as being ASD. Some because he's an alcoholic but not ready to admit it yet. Sadly, it makes little difference what excuse you're using. The outcome is that both of you are unhappy. You both deserve better than this.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but sometimes there isn't a decision. You've wasted years on this already and when your children are adults and they want to know why, they won't understand you needing to try "everything". You already have. You've done your trying, and you can't do his. It's a sunk cost phallacy.

If he could change than it might be worth producing a list of requirements to turn this around and a 3 month timescale but there's too much wrong with this, it's rotten at the core and no amount of effort will cover that for very long - and it seems unlikely that he'd be able to change, anyway.

How can he be stressed with the kids when he has demonstrated a Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of the children.? Not to mention Refusal to accommodate my desire to work. He's not doing anything for or with them, is he? And in any case, what about your stress with the kids?

What about his alcohol abuse problem, does this also fall into your definition of 'illness' that you have to put up with? I wonder where your boundary is.

My dad was an alcoholic and my mum stayed 'for the kids'. I had a horrendous upbringing which has scarred me to this day. Funnily enough I also have a poor relationship with my mum now for not leaving.

tribpot - I don't know where my boundary is. I always thought that it was when the kids were being affected, and, they are.

Olivia - he's not abusive. He is selfish. And, that's not great.

My exH is/was controlling and jealous, but always very nice to our DC. DC thought/think he was great.

However, now that I have left, I am far and away a better mother to the DC and MY relationship with DC has improved. I have much more energy and headspace for them. I am not eaten up by resentment, guilt and self hatred. I don't walk on eggshells. Etc. DC are also eating, sleeping and generally behaving better because they have mummy's house as their safe haven even if things aren't great at dad's (generally I think they are fine at his, but if ex ever does have an off few days, mummy's house is always close at hand iyswim)

Tbh my marriage/previous household sounds like it was happier than yours is currently, because my exH didn't often reveal any negative behaviour to the DC. He did very very occasionally, but not as a matter of course at all.

Your household sounds so stressed. Your H sounds stressed, and you sound pulled to breaking point. Your DC have to be suffering quite a bit, I'm afraid. They've probably learned to put up with it and cope with it. But that doesn't mean it's good for them.

I would end the marriage. Your H needs to be on his own. Nothing you do or say is going to change that.

What would it take to convince you you are living in a boiling hell (and, by extension, so are your children)?

What are you trying to hold onto? There is nothing there to hold on to. Except your hopes - and they have been resoundingly dashed.

Please. For the sake of your kids, get out.

How is it not abuse?
Verbal abuse when drunk is abuse.
Emotional neglect is abuse.
"Financial secrecy" is abuse.
Preventing you from working is abuse.

There are plenty of people with all sorts of mental health conditions who still manage to treat their partners with a basic level of love and respect.

Don't use his undiagnosed condition as an excuse for his shitty behaviour.

If he refuses to get help he is choosing to behave that way.

I don't think in the future your children are going to cross-examine you on the reason why the rest of their youth got happier and more fulfilled when you divorced their father. That is your projection based on the (wrong) assumption that "staying together for the sake of" is a good thing. Which in turn is an echo of an era past, gone, extinct. You have given this marriage all you've got. He is both unable and increasingly unwilling to make whatever gestures he is capable of to "make things better".

Total oblivion of your self and happiness is not a sacrifice required by modern life and civilisation. See a solicitor asap would be my advice.

My friend's parents split once the children had reached 18. She feels guilty that she knew (or at least now knows) that they were unhappy but putting up with things for the sake of her and her brother.

You owe your children, not a family with 2 parents that barely get on and who are both unhappy and stressed, but a happy home. And if that means 2 happy homes rather than one stressful one, then so be it.

I sat him down to talk last night. After the football and a bottle of wine because they really mattered...to be fair, I did say "I don't mind" to see if he'd put me/us first. Nope.

He disagrees with about 25% of my list. And what he disagrees about are really moot points.

He refuses to speak to anyone about his drinking because he has "given up". "That makes three times that you've given up this week, and, it's only Tuesday. I think you need to speak to someone about your liver function and your alchohol misuse" "No, because I have given up". Oh.

Also refuses to see anyone about his ?AS. Flat outright refused.

So.

That'll be that, then.

Thanks for the advice, and, universal "WTF are you doing?". It has been really helpful in getting some clarity.

What a shame. We were so very right for each other, but, that was a lifetime ago.

well done for having the talk.

Please stop repeatedly blaming his Aspergers, which he may or may not have, for him being a twat

It's completely disrespectful to all the people who do have aspergers who aren't total and utter twats

My last post didn't focus on abuse, I was saying about my dad being an alcoholic. To be honest he was fairly placid when drunk, doesn't mean it didn't wreck my childhood though.

Your talk didn't get you anywhere did it? You can't do it for him. Please do the right thing by you and your children.

Jelly - was alright, actually. Frustrating, but, helpful. My marriage has wilted.

Emo, but, the reverse is also true, having AS does not mean that you can't also be an arse. And, he finds it very difficult to see things from my perspective, which makes the marriage challenging.

Olivia - yep, do you did, sorry.

I've hardly slept a wink. Let's see what today brings.

This isn't a marriage. There is nothing left to save.

A marriage should be about love, laughter, supporting each other, having shared ambitions, enjoying a cup of tea and a cuddle.....

Sadly it sounds like you have none of those things. Don't waste the one life you have on being in this miserable situation any longer.

You can hold up your head and be confident that you tried everything.

He didn't want to try, though. And there's nothing anyone can do about that.

Since he's financially secretive, I think you need to do some sleuthing and take photos of any paperwork you can find.

stealth you are right

Anyone can be an arse but those online tests do not differentiate between been a narcissistic twat and having ASD
They say clearly that they aren't a diagnostic tool

You need to focus on his behaviour rather than any diagnosis he may or may not have

You said if he was ill you wouldn't leave -well sometimes people have to due to self preservation
That doesn't make them weak or bad people -you sign up for marriage expecting the person to be the one you married. If things change and you a dealt a poor hand then you need to do something about that

When children are involved you have a responsibility to change the status quo -you've tried doing that through talking and it hasn't worked

I have a terminally selfish, probably ASD ex. I saw him ignoring our son, putting himself first, letting his stress and temper manifest in front of him, disrespecting me from selfishness, failing to show an interest in his activities and interests etc etc.
Now we live separately. Our son sees his dad for shortish periods at a time. He has him for short periods or takes him on holiday and can manage to be a good enough dad for those periods but our son is mostly raised by me. It's a shame for our son in a way but the most important thing for me is to protect him from the negative impact of his father's emotional and behavioural deficits.
Our home is far happier and far healthier for ds now that his father doesn't live in it. Staying together is absolutely not always the right thing to do for children. Sometimes they need to be protected from the negative effects of the neglectful parent.

Steal, I ticked off just about everything on your list and I also have 3 DCs.

I left.

They are so happy now and so am I! They are MORE stable due to not having to deal with his anger and moods.

It's not relevant whether he's on the spectrum or not. If he's treating you badly, you need to go break free of him.

You seem to see this as a bit of a joke. It isn't a joke, it's very serious. Your marriage hasn't 'wilted' like a lettuce, it is being systematically destroyed - by an addict, for certain, at least.

Do get to al-anon. For your kids if you can't take this seriously for yourself.

(I appreciate I'm sounding cruel)

Why are you trying to pin all of this on him being autistic. It doesn't excuse none of what he's doing to you I'm not sure what a diagnosis would achieve in the terms of your marriage

Sounds like it's been over for a long time.

Are you focusing on trying to prove he's on the spectrum so there'll be a 'reason' the relationship hasn't worked out, something that was beyond either of your controls? So you've got a valid exit from the marriage? You really don't need it. You're allowed to decide for yourself, and your children, that this environment is no longer a healthy place to live.

I think you might need to have that talk again. Did you actually raise the idea of separation in your talk the other night, or did you just list all the reasons you're not happy? Because it doesn't sound as if he'd necessarily link one to the other...

Or are you trying to persuade yourself he is autistic so you can martyr yourself into staying?

His behaviour is who he is, not down to any diagnosis. He treats you like crap because he wants to, not due to any medical reason.