Shocked by what I've been putting up with. WWYD?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

I'm on a different thread which prompted me to write a list of my husband's behaviour which I see as unreasonable. Anyone managed to salvage a marriage from a similar situation? What did you do?

I feel quite hopeless. And nauseous...

"Unreasonable behaviour claims:

-Withdrawal of love and affection
-Refusal to have sexual relationship with me
-Refusal to have me sleep in the marital bed
-Financial secrecy
-Alcohol abuse with occasional verbal abuse
-Refusal to actively participate in marriage counselling
-Refusal to have symptoms of ASD assessed
-Refusal to attend AA or GP for help with alcohol misuse.
-Refusal to accommodate my desire to work
-Refusal to participate in running the household
-Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of the children.
-Complete lack of empathy and emotion
-Complete withdrawal to the computer or ipad or tv.
-Complete lack of socialising as a couple or family.
-All love and affection has disappeared

For ten years I have had no companionship, intimacy or solidarity at home. I am isolated and lonely. I am parenting alone and have never had support from my husband to manage some of the very difficult situations that family life has presented. He has never come to a parents’ night (he did attend the parents’ meeting when our daughter was starting P1 and S1). He has never attended a hospital appointment or A+E visit. My husband has often been positively obstructive towards my attempts to manage the difficulties of having a chronically unwell child.
When I was abroad with work for 4 weeks we exchanged 23 words. He then accused me of being unfaithful.

My husband acknowledges that he has consistently neglected our marriage and that this has had a marked effect on my mental well being. I am under the care of my GP and a psychologist. My symptoms of anxiety are worse in my husband’s presence.

It is better for our children to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become and a mother who is mentally unwell. "

That's very insightful.

I'm not sure that I still love him.

I sort of do, in that, if he died I'd grieve. But, whether I'd be prepared to tolerate this life even if he did sort his shit out, on the basis that we had made a commitment - dunno.

I certainly don't look forward to spending time with him any more.

Appointment with lawyer is next Tuesday. Which seems ages.

I've found a marriage counsellor charity which sounds hopeful. They'd see us together for one appointment and then decide whether we could have standard counselling, or be seen 1:1 with a view to being able to work together. That might work. He needs to go to get some help with his alcohol misuse, and to see that he's been a shitty husband and father. Unless he recognises those things then I am sure he'll spend the rest of his life being bitter, and that's not good for our kids.

If he says no to the counselling I'll have no option but to divorce him. Look at me, clutching at another straw...

To be perfectly honest I think it would be a lot safer to be near your parents.

First of all DH clearly cannot be trusted to look after your children alone, so the less he sees them the better. Second he's an alcoholic, and the less exposure the children have to that the better. Being a child of an alcoholic is very tough, and children can pick up their parents own addictive patterns.

I know. But, the thought of uprooting them from schools, friends and hobbies they love...ugh.

Actually, that's making me well up. I'm so very cross with him. What an unspeakable, selfish, entitled idiot. How CAN he refuse to do anything constructive?

We'll see what Tuesday brings.

I'm on the verge of asking a lawyer pal about access an whether he'd get it. But, that's a bit unfair, I should wait and not involve her.

Weigh up the school/hobby/friends issues - which are in no way likely to shape their lives long term - with the damage they ARE actually already sustaining living in this horrendous environment.

You are their only chance.

Don't do joint counselling. It's never recommended where behaviour of this kind is prevalent.

what a horrid, awful situation OP.... Please don't beat yourself up about it...these situations are very insidious....but you do owe it to yourself and your kids to do something immediately....

As others have said- there is ASD and there is selfishness - they can exist quite separately...

Also, I've met some quite responsive parents with ASD- because they desperately wanted to do a good job...

Sorry to be blunt: you may be taking your wedding vows seriously, however it only seems to be you doing this...what about your OH loving /honouring and respecting you?

What would you advise a close friend who reported what you did in your original post?

I would be voting OUT of this relationship as:

his lack of interest in doing anything to remedy the situation. This is a huge point in my thinking ...

***the relationship you're both modelling for your kids...it's not good is it??

***your ongoing unhappiness (of both you and kids..and him to be honest), and the chances of future happiness you're missing while you are flogging this expired horse...

*** your OH treatment of your kids in relation to medical matters- this is so dangerous!!!

you know now..dont compound it!

good luck!

Agree with Hissy entirely - uprooting your children will be painful in the short term, but the long term benefits will completely outweigh the pain and struggle you're experiencing trying to keep everything 'ticketyboo' for them.

Kids aren't stupid. I knew my Mum and Dad were terrible for each other (my Dad being the issue) when I was 8 - they finally divorced when I was 18. I remember speaking to a counsellor at 14 in front of my parents and said "Dad doesn't love Mum, they should split up and let Mum and me and my brother have a happy life" and I got belted around the face later on for "bringing shame" upon myself. I'm not saying your children feel the same, I'm just saying it's entirely possible - especially if you have a child on the spectrum as they will be very perceptive.

I also agree against joint counselling - it's only worth if it the other spouse has the intention of sticking it out and following it through - your DH doesn't, he won't stick it out (if he can't follow medical appointments for your children, you'll be shit out of luck for counselling) and he has enough previous form for being abusive in a variety of ways - going to see a counsellor can be another way of the "persecutor" further exerting an abusive environment upon "victim/rescuer" (that's the drama triangle btw, may be worth looking it up as explains elements of co-dependency etc).

You're gonna have to leave him to sort himself out, OP - you don't have to stop him from seeing his children, but you can assert your authority, something you've had ground out of you over the years - he can only help himself now, and hopefully the knowledge that you're no longer there to placate him by your presence will give him the kick to better himself for your children's sake, not for yours, as that ship sailed a long time ago.

Stealth, we talk on the other thread. I'm with Santana and Cider, but I also know a bit of your background as you know mine.

I absolutely agree about AS or Asshole, you know my version is AS or ArSe.

I absolutely agree you can train them, change may be at the margins but training works. DH picks us up, stacks the dishwasher, makes cups of tea and hot water bottles ( ok, when it's v hot as ŵhen as it's v cold but WTF).

He talks football and maths to DS. The first is not a special interest of his, thank God.

We share (some ) interests. ( not football)
We laugh.

He adores DS and vice versa.

He has also nearly killed DS by not following medical instructions on more than one occasion, although he won't recognise it.

He refuses to get a DX, but recognises he is on the spectrum, and my view is that most of the time he is being As not ArSe.

I think from what you have said before your DH has a tendency to depression. I would a) go ahead with the legal advice and reality of separation. But if you decide during that period that you don't want to be divorced, I would make it a condition that a) he goes to the dr for depression,and b) gets a diágnosis.

I'm going to PM you.

I agree with the PPs who advised against couple's counselling. He probably wouldn't go or engage with it anyway.

You sound worried about finances. Remember that you will be entitled to child maintenance from him, your share of the equity in your home and any other marital assets, and (provided you use that equity to buy a new home and don't have thousands in savings) various benefits including child tax credits and possibly others, depending on your work and income (see www.entitledto.co.uk to work out what you'd get).

FWIW I think moving closer to your parents would be a good idea. In the long term it would be better for you and your children to have their support. That will be worth much more than any support he might offer which is unlikely to be forthcoming and would be half-hearted at best.

Orlanda is your DH also an alcoholic? I haven't seen the other thread but it does seem as if your relationship is different from the OP's. It's risky to assume they are similar. Don't ignore the alcoholism and abuse.

Life's too bloody short for you and your kids. You're not happy, obviously they are aware of the atmosphere and the fact that their father is neglectful of you and themselves. Stop making excuses for him. He's not going to change.

What would you say to your DD if she were in your shoes? I'd say move home, I'll help you with the kids, you'll all settle eventually, make friends, a new life, a happy less fraught life.

He was. And abusive. Emotionally more than physically. It's nit easy, like many neuro diverse marriages .

I am not suggesting that Stealth should remain. I am suggesting she works out what makes her happy. And protect her ill child.

Critically she needs to decide whether he is AS or ArSe and , if the latter, if there is any realistic prospect if that changing, fir whatever reason.

Well he could be both and the arse is not going to change.

Thanks folks. I really am grateful for your input.

He has again, refused to see a GP or AA or anyone else. There is no need because he has given up alcohol. It's laughable.

Apparently, he can't go because if it's on his records his job will be affected. Because, confidentiality is not something to be trusted. FFS.

My feelings have hardened over the last 24 hours. He has made no response to my list of unreasonable behaviours. He has not sat down with me to sort it out. I have chased him and harried him into discussing it.

He wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire.

And, I'm such an idiot I am still surprised by that. So, self emoliation's out for the time being.

Drinking problem? Alcoholic by the sound of it. Regardless what else is going on, this is a dealbreaker. Go to al-anon to find out all about that.

Yy it was sad when I left my abusive husband - but nowhere near as sad as what had been going on in the marriage. No contest.

I did grieve him when he died but it was nowhere near as sad as what had been going on in the marriage.

How are you feeling today stealth - I ate a Tunnocks last night and thought of you!

Thanks, Missy, careful with the Crack Cake/Biscuit...

I'm a bit bemused. Brexit meant we actually had a conversation this morning, first one in months. Was really quite nice, had a cuppa and talked bout the practicalities and worries at about 5am. Felt really intimate, first time he's actually looked at me without sneering for ages, asked questions about my opinion, shared his thoughts, made some jokes, a flash of what we used to be.

Selfishly - Brexit means the market's all of a wobble. I'm in Scotland - so, we're now on a referendum journey too. So, our personal finances are up in the air which makes any sort of separation more of a challenge. DH works in finance, so, he's going to be busy, so, I guess I'll hardly see him. Every cloud.

Dunno. I spoke to a dear friend last night who said "I've been struggling to not say this for years..." and then said what he thought about our marriage. He's very kind and tactful, but, essentially saying what you lot are "WTF have you been doing?".

Am working this weekend. Lawyer on Tuesday. Not even eating my own body weight in teacakes, am hoping the nausea that comes with the realisation that my marriage is long gone might make me thin.

There's another cloud.

He's got the dodgy you're drifting away. Abusers have a sixth sense for this stuff. So he turns on the 'charm' (a decent conversation is 'charm' to him. Which goes to show how low your expectations have become).

Keep going lovely. This bit, the breakthrough, it's the worst bit. I'm not saying what comes next is a need of roses but the realisation the breaking through, it's exquisitely painful and confusing and gut-wrenching...

Then you get a glint in your eye...

Fucksake! Just watching Konta's win (you're honoured) and typos akimbo.

He's got the drift you're drifting away
Bed of roses (I'm sure you got that)

Yeah, it's weird, eh?

I've never been dangled by a bloke before. I don't like it much, either.

Tell you what, though, if he manages to get through the next few weeks without a drink I'll be gobsmacked.

Well he won't will he.

Anyway, he's stopped

It's so easy for some people, they just say they've stopped whatever their addiction is, and lo! they've stopped. And fantastically, they can stop again the next day too, and the next.....

How self-deluding is that? Or do they simply think they're pulling the wool over everyone else's eyes?

Your poor thing. Good luck next week. Bear in mind that CAB can advise you on what benefits you could claim, and there's child support from him too. You may not be as desperate and restricted as you think.

Do take copies of bank statements, P45s, pay slips etc. You'll want them, especially as he seems to be the lieing self-deluding type.

Naturally enough, he's like a bear with a sore head tonight. It's the weekend, he's sober and stressed.

Behaved like a bully to our 12 year old girl tonight. She's upset because she came down the stairs and was yelled at for "stomping". She went across the road to see her chum and watch some tv, he seemed to think this was my responsibility even though I was working...

Big squabble, I am "mean" and "unkind". Well, that's fine.

I suspect this will come to a big, pulsing head tomorrow. We have about 5 childfree hours. I'm going to try and be "nice" and "super kind".

FFS.

Springy - what does one do with a glint in one's eye?

He sounds a lot like my ex. We looked into ASD as ds1 is also most likely on the spectrum but at 16 has no interest in a label or diagnosis. Both ds and his dad are very bright, very obsessive and lack empathy! Like your H, my X was in the 40s on that test while I was single figures; it is so hard to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who sees things totally differently.

Would it help to try and see things from his side? My xh is now so much happier without the pressure off family life weighing on him daily. The DCs are happy and well adjusted, they spend one night a week with him, (which is enough for all of them!) and their dad is happy to have time to himself for his hobbies. I am also much happier now and have a wonderful sensitive and affectionate DP! It really helped me to make the leap by envisaging the best case scenario, which is exactly what happened.