Shocked by what I've been putting up with. WWYD?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

I'm on a different thread which prompted me to write a list of my husband's behaviour which I see as unreasonable. Anyone managed to salvage a marriage from a similar situation? What did you do?

I feel quite hopeless. And nauseous...

"Unreasonable behaviour claims:

-Withdrawal of love and affection
-Refusal to have sexual relationship with me
-Refusal to have me sleep in the marital bed
-Financial secrecy
-Alcohol abuse with occasional verbal abuse
-Refusal to actively participate in marriage counselling
-Refusal to have symptoms of ASD assessed
-Refusal to attend AA or GP for help with alcohol misuse.
-Refusal to accommodate my desire to work
-Refusal to participate in running the household
-Refusal to participate in family life, including the education and significant health challenges of the children.
-Complete lack of empathy and emotion
-Complete withdrawal to the computer or ipad or tv.
-Complete lack of socialising as a couple or family.
-All love and affection has disappeared

For ten years I have had no companionship, intimacy or solidarity at home. I am isolated and lonely. I am parenting alone and have never had support from my husband to manage some of the very difficult situations that family life has presented. He has never come to a parents’ night (he did attend the parents’ meeting when our daughter was starting P1 and S1). He has never attended a hospital appointment or A+E visit. My husband has often been positively obstructive towards my attempts to manage the difficulties of having a chronically unwell child.
When I was abroad with work for 4 weeks we exchanged 23 words. He then accused me of being unfaithful.

My husband acknowledges that he has consistently neglected our marriage and that this has had a marked effect on my mental well being. I am under the care of my GP and a psychologist. My symptoms of anxiety are worse in my husband’s presence.

It is better for our children to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become and a mother who is mentally unwell. "

OMFG

How could you even LOOK at a man who put your child in a life-threatening condition MORE THAN ONCE?! Let alone stay married to him?!!!

Definitely speak to a solicitor about separation/divorce and child contact.

Your husband is a negligent, unfit parent and your children should not be left alone with him.

There is some good user-friendly info on the law regarding separation, divorce and child contact here:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/

Thanks, Lady.

What he'll do is commit to coming along, and then something important will turn up at work, so he cancels. He did start visiting when DS was on the ward once DS was old enough to ask "why don't you come when the other daddies do?", but, he only stays 20 minutes at the most. Because, he doesn't like hospitals.

How easily would a consultant mention the child protection register for parents who are putting their kid's health at risk? I don't seem to have a grasp on what normal is, so, from a SW POV, how bad is that?

I've been reading up more about emotional abuse and co-dependency. I'm really quite a smart, capable person. WTF have I been doing?

Emma, because I thought he couldn't help it.

I've kept coming back to "if he was head injured or got ill, I'd accommodate the changes that brought to our marriage. So, how can I leave him if he's AS?"

However, he won't go for diagnosis. And, I'm no psychiatrist, so, what do I know?

Am wondering whether he won't go because he knows that he's actually just a bit of a cunt.

My father is ASD spectrum, he doesn't drink and he's never put a child at risk.

I don't know why you're putting every fuckwittage down to ASD? He's just a twat.

I'm not disagreeing with you, Gloria.

But, he really doesn't see people and/or their emotions the way the majority do. I did some reading and concluded he was spectrummy, he refused to get any professional assessment, so I've been floundering trying to make the best of a bad job.

It's not been my best ever decision. I'm bemused by myself. I'm usually good with people, I work in healthcare, people are my skill!

My father can't read emotions, he's baffled by a lot of human behaviour, he's not good at putting names to faces. But he can tell when a child is blue and he can give a child medication.

That is not ASD it's negligence.

This stuff has nothing to do with how smart you are. It doesn't come from the same place.

Where did you get this Florence nightingale complex btw? Mother? Parents?

Well, consultants see lots of parents of ill children and the majority do everything they can to keep their children well. They only talk about a referral to children's services if they believe there is risk of harm to the child in the parent's care. As to how common - no idea. We get lots of referrals, some are from hospitals about children with serious health conditions. It doesn't really matter how common it is, the consultant was right to raise it. As it happened, no referral was need because you stepped in and committed to providing all the care. A good outcome from a cp perspective but a pretty shit one for you and your ds.

Also on record for future contact.

Marriage vows, Daffs. Till death do us part, all that stuff. That's all. I really wanted him to be the one I grew old with, call my a daft old romantic.

Thanks, Lady. Thats helpful. Had thought about getting the medical team's perspective.

Still mulling exactly what to do - a friend recently separated, might ask which lawyer she used.

I knew someone whose husband had a head injury. His personality totally changed and he became violent towards her - I don't think any worse for her getting out of that marriage.

Marriage vows are important - but if the other side is breaking them or endangering you or your children or...
Then it can be better to get out.

Why would you want to grow old with someone who really doesn't give a single fuck about you? And makes your life as difficult and painful as possible?

What are you teaching your children about what a marriage should look and feel like??? Jesus. I hope you're saving up for their 50 years of counselling.

Sweetheart, he's affecting your health!

What on earth was the not letting you sleep in your bed business?

The kids see he's grumpy. That is an awful environment to live in.

Save yourself, save your kids and please be brave and get informed.

I can promise you that your mood and mental health will improve. You know he makes it worse.

That environment is damaging you and your children.

OP - nobody wins any awards for sticking to marriage vows when we all inevitably die. Nobody is going to pat you on the back for sticking with an unsupportive, selfish man who cannot even put the needs of his children first. Nobody will congratulate you when your own children (one of which is on the spectrum and will gravitate towards learning from their father) end up repeating the co-dependency cycle.

Nobody is going to give you that special place in the next life because you've put yourself out time and time and time again for a man who has clearly shown that when it puts his mind to it, he CAN be loving etc. Your DH has chosen to become the man he is today, and it's got fuck all to do with this has he/has he not got ASD.

You're not his Mum OP - you weren't born to placate him, to nurse him, to put up with his shit just because he may have ASD. You aren't on this planet to be his knight in shining armor, ready to accept crap from him just because you married him. It doesn't work like that. You aren't his heroine - and staying in this relationship hoping he will change back to the man he was before is going to destroy you and your children - that man no longer exists, if he existed at all in the first place.

You owe him nothing, OP - I wish you all the luck getting out of this, and as many wise and experienced PP have explained, you WILL feel better. And I can promise you that your children will too.

Your husband is a twat. He may be an Aspie, but then he's an Aspie twat. Not all Aspies are (it's insulting to assume that his mistreatment of you and your children arises from his being "wired differently").

You made a mistake. He is not a person you can grow old with. He is a person who almost kills your children and treats you badly. You made a mistake thinking he was the one. Everyone makes mistakes. Especially daft old romantic mistakes. No one will blame you for that.

Putting your children in mortal danger repeatedly, to avoid letting anyone see you made a mistake is a whole different thing. That's highly unusual.

Yep. Making a mistake isn't the end of the world. We all do it. It's what you do after you've realised the mistake that counts.

Is it a religious thing btw? One of the reasons why you stuck at it, that is.

Some very dodge things get done in the name of religion. Just saying.

Christian here - and I'd give you a lift to the solicitor's office.

Well, no, it's not that I think that I made a mistake. We were well matched. A long time ago. No real change tonight. He's again retreated away and complained that I am nagging/critical/negative. Refused to see GP/AA.

Spoke to a friend, she was very sympathetic and also "this can't go on". He hovered behind the door to listen in, that's a first, well, as far as I know.

I'm not a church member, Springy. But, that doesn't meant that I didn't take our vows seriously.

I'll speak to a solicitor for advice next week. Give him the weekend to do something transformative. Which he won't, so, then, accept the inevitable.

Sigh. It's so sad.

You're poorly DC is in danger with your DH. Use this post, by all means, for being cathartic, but what will it take to make you leave?

You said your DC is now old enough to articulate feeling unwell - that's a hell of a risk isn't it? Your child/children is going to grow up with the realisation that their safety didn't come first.

Think of it this way: if you die tomorrow, get hit by a bus, car crash, sudden unplanned-for death, then your DH has full custody. He will dictate purely how their little lives go.

How does that sit with you? It sits badly and very uncomfortably with me and I don't even know you.

Your

OP - it sounds as if you've given him YEARS to "transform" - and you keep hoping and hoping and recalling the past fondly and all it is doing is preventing you from doing the inevitable. It won't work - I know you're hoping it will, but it won't - nothing is going to change and delaying it is a tactic I'm sure you've used in the past not to rock the boat. But this boat is sinking, OP - you and your beautiful children need to jump and get into that safety raft NOW and sail off to better seas.

It's sad, but it's life - you're not the first person, you won't be the last. I know you feel it so very personally right now, but you would be making a mistake if you allowed this to continue. The mistake wasn't getting with your DH, the mistake is allowing this behaviour to continue - you've done what you can, you've highlighted what needs to change and sadly, your DH doesn't take the vows you take seriously with the same measure.

I'd pick up that phone today and look toward getting advice now - not next week, when you can change your mind/something will come up which takes precedence/you're too busy with kids/reason 101. Now - right now. Make yourself a tea/coffee/stronger drink and speak to a solicitor. Please

Yep.

You're right. And, that's, frankly, a bit annoying.

I was hoping that someone would say "yep, I had that. We did x, y and z and now we're happy". I was clutching at fragile straws, I wanted our family to stay together.

But, if he won't go to counselling, won't see the GP and won't see if there's anything up with him, whether that's depression/AS/narcissism or just being a twat - then, there's nothing I can do. I can't love a void.

I've spoken to a friend who separated recently and got an appointment with her solicitor for a free half hour. I've looked for jobs, there are none just now that would pay enough to keep me and the kids, but, I could pick up work that would tie in with school hours and holidays by changing the way I'm self employed. That won't cover a mortgage, but, it would keep us fed. There's money tied up in the house - if I moved nearer my parents it's a lot cheaper to live and I could be almost mortgage free. Which is actually really quite appealing. The school local to my parents would have space for our kids - but, that's a couple of hours away and I don't know how that'd work for his access. They need him, they're only wee and he's not a total deadbeat dad, just selfish and unable to cope.

If he's going to learn how to care for the middle kid, that's going to take time, assuming he's going to make time to come to appointments and engage with the medical team. That is, given his history, a big if.

I'm a bit stuck for now, probably until after the summer.

That's ok, we're not in any danger, he's not aggressive. We're lucky enough to have a spare room, I've been sleeping in there for years anyway, and, there's a second room downstairs so I don't really have to share any space with him.

I guess we'll informally separate under the same roof and he'll eventually catch up with me.

Thanks folks. This is tough.

It is tough, OP - but you're doing great. Making that first step is the important one, because once you've done it, you can no longer really backpedal anymore and excuse DH's behaviour or lack of support. I know, I have been there - excusing behaviour on the hope that someone will come along and reaffirm that their partner behaved XYZ and it all worked out. I used to be too afraid of telling people how I really felt about what went on behind closed doors because I knew they'd say "Get the fuck out" and I didn't want to because I loved him and was blindly hoping he would change and if-i-just-stayed-this-one-time (etc etc). I would rarely speak ill of my ex because I knew I'd always backpedal and the humiliation of being judged for "putting up with it" was enough to silence me for a long period of time. It's only once he made it impossible for me not to speak up about it, that I realised that all along, people wanted me out of it for my own sanity and safety but they needed me to make the first move.

So I know. I know not being proactive in seperating allows you the comfort of going back to him should he suddenly decide to treat you and the children properly. But whilst you're still with him, under the same roof, hoping he will change, giving him time to pull his head out of his arse, you're systematically reinforcing the fact you are allowing his absolutely shit behaviour to continue - why on earth would he change, when he knows you'll carry on accepting it? The only way he could know you won't accept it is by laying down the line, leaving, taking the kids, issuing divorce and moving on with your life. It has to be as cleaner break as you can, because hanging around in the house allows boundaries to be blurred and most of all, the children to get confused.

The thing is OP - I know you love him, I know you don't want to go, but a part of me can't help but think there is a level of humiliation you are feeling that is preventing you from being as up front as you should about what a total dick this man has been toward you and your children. It's OK to be proud, and to not want to be judged as a mug or being too soft/walked over - that's why I used to hide a lot of my exes behaviour, because I was embarrassed - I didn't want people thinking I was a mug! You're not a mug. You're human.