My wife has checked out - I need help

[KyleM]

As the title suggests my marriage has crumbled around me and I don't know what to do! I suppose I best start with a run through of my currently situation.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2, I am 29 and she is 30. We have 2 beautiful daughters (5, 11) and have lived with each other for just short of 6 years. For the most part our relationship has been plain sailing, very infrequent arguments, very intimate, enjoy each others company and co-parent well.

Everything was fine, then on the 17th April my world fell down around me. My W returned home after an evening around a friends and told me that she was unhappy and needed space to sort through her feelings and figure out what was causing it. Reluctantly I agreed to move to my parents and give her space as I could see how upset and serious she was.....After 9 days of moving out I got a phone call from my wife telling me that it was over and gave me the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you", to this day this is the only reason I have been given.

This news hit me hard and for the first 5 weeks I chased and pursued, sending her letters, phoning and texting all of which were met with a cold, distant response. I asked her to fight for our marriage to which she responded "I don't want to fight" and "I don't want a relationship I have to fight for".

My wife turned 30 in January (I don't know if this is significant) and 2016 has been tough. Financially things have been tough with debts mounting up and the constant feeling of money coming to one hand and out the other, childcare has been difficult with both me and my W working full time and there was always this constant feeling that we never had time for the kids. I only see it now but in March my W starting acting a bit erratic, she decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage (which fell through, she decided we were moving to Australia (which fell through), she feel out with close family over the silliest of things and she accused my family of bullying our 11 year old.

The only time I now see or speak to my wife is in relation to the children, when I do she always has a smile on her face and appears happy. I just don't really know what to do?

If anyone needs more information please don't hesitate to ask.

Really struggling tonight, so many things racing through my head! Why wife has told people that she wouldn't care if I moved on and started dating someone else, it's been 10 weeks!

I've also learnt that a week before she kicked me out she was telling a mutual friend just how much she loved me, apparently really gushing about me.

She is clearly in a bit of a mess but you still need to steady the ship or you risk getting dragged down with her.

That may sound harsh but

1. you have kids. If both of you end up in crippling debt, they suffer.
2. if she does decide to come back (she may not) then you need to be a life raft not another shipwreck.

Seriously take steps to protect yourself now because of she is bp (and its a big if) her spending and life could spiral out of control. First rule of first aid is protect your own safety. You need to make sure if the shit hits the fan you can step in and take on the kids and ride it out until she is better.

Organise a financial separation then tell her that is what you have done it may be the bucket of cold water she needs but it is definitely what you and your dc need.

By all means also tell her that this is a financial separation but if she decides she needs help with the kids or if she is unwell you will be there.

I have bpd btw. Knowing other people don't hate you helps but really the only people that can really change it are me and the doctors if I agree to it. Having people there to help you pick yourself up is great but only once you are prepared to admit you fell over.
I also have a fair bit of experience with having partners and friends with depression. There is only so much you can do. If they drag you down with them it helps neither of you. They have to do some of the work. Brutal but ime true.

And one of my bpd exes was prone to massive spending sprees. He blew £4000 in 2 days once despite having no income.

So it is vital to keep your money separate.

Focus on yourself, keeping the ship afloat and protecting the kids. Tell them the truth and start having proper contact.

All you can do as far as she is concerned is watch and wait and see how it pans out. But don't stand still while you are waiting.

So what I am saying in short is yes this is hard (I was in a similar position last yr waiting for someone to recover and make up their mind although he at least could talk about what was happening).

It's hard not to dwell on it.

But make plans. Keep busy.

Thank you for your response, I will keep rereading that whenever I feel down.

She has just seemed to turn off all her emotions, it's been said to me that when people speak to her she's almost robotic in nature. She seems completely unfazed by the prospect of Divorce and to this day hasn't spoken to anyone about her issues with our marriage.

I know I need to try and detach but it's hard when you've spent 8 years of your life with someone

I nearly broke myself chasing after someone who had given up and wishing they would care when they just weren't in a place where they could and trying to hold myself and them up. (They never asked me to btw and that may well be why she has gone cold because she knows she cannot give you anything and has no right to take you where her head is. She may be in that hollowed out place where some emotions are so painful that having no emotions at all is the only way to cope- lack of affect is a classic sign of depression)

A wise friend told me he may well decide he misses you and wants you back but nothing you can do or say right now will make that so. what you think is irrelevent to what will happen. So you may as well walk away while you still can.

Sometimes when you are in the depths of depression just existing takes all the effort you can manage. Having to deal with being responsible for anyone else's feeling is almost impossible the more so the closer they are and a full shut down is all you can do.

Her cruelty may not be deliberate but that makes it no less real nor less painful.

And you may find even if she did snap out of it, that you may never get over it, because it is quite hard to open up to someone again knowing they could suddenly hurt you with no warning.

Been there done that got the hairshirt t-shirt.

It is hard. It will be hard.

But at the moment, heartbreaking though it is, you do not have the option of a relationship with the wife you knew, only with a cold emotionless robot who appears to want out.

You deserve more than that.

For now you cannot act on what ifs only on what is.

Beer. Chocolate. Box sets. Just keep swimming and put the kids first. If this is hard for you it's ten times more so for them. Their wee world will be upside down. Give them all your love.

Don't let her keep you dangling. She doesn't want the marriage and you can afford to file, so you need to continue with that course of action.

Have the papers ready for when she returns. The friends who are reporting back to you should advise her to get help if they can.

You have to save yourself and look out for your DD. You never mentioned adopting her daughter, so I assume you didn't. As such you'll have no legal right to see her if your wife doesn't allow it.

Just be prepared for that, as many steparents feel hurt by this.

Your wife is cruel to try and keep you in limboland.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs - Thank you for your message, I'm going to keep rereading that whenever I am going through a low moment.

This is the hardest thingies had to endure and the support on here is amazing

Had a catch up with my sister in law today, it was nice to speak with her as I've always been close to my wife's family.

She in convinced that my wife is having some midlife crisis (early I know!) and has told me that she is starting to use young people slang when she speaks (she's a teacher by the way) and is only focused on herself.

She has asked me to hold off doing anything until my wife gets back from her trip to Boston as she feels that this might be a turning point and it could be worth waiting to see.

That does not mean you should not find out information about your options.

I do hope her return brings a bit more clarity of some sort about what's going on.

Just reading this which one is it?

The eldest DD is not biologically OPs, but he thinks of her as a DD anyway. AIUI

He lived out the country for a long period of time and since getting back would have D11 once a month. I have been full time dad to that girl for 8 years and do view her as my own, I hope that isn't being brought into question?

She is going to stay with her dad while my wife is away, how that come about I have be idea?

You seem to be really fighting for this marriege. Very honourable and rare these days. People seem to throw away long term relationships like yesterday's paper now days. It sounds like she's going through some sort of a melt down and doesn't really know what she wants. My advice is to just give her time and you get on with life as well as you can.

It took me 5 years to propose to my wife because I wanted to be certain that she was the women I was going to spend the rest of my life with and when I said those vows I meant every last one of them.

It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world being deeply in love with someone which for whatever reason no longer feels love for you.

It took me 5 years to propose to my wife because I wanted to be certain that she was the women I was going to spend the rest of my life with and when I said those vows I meant every last one of them.

It has to be one of the worst feelings in the world being deeply in love with someone which for whatever reason no longer feels love for you.

It seems to me that she is keeping you on a string because she is frightened to be totally on her own and she needs to know you are there in case she can't manage it. And you are sharing her debts too.

I think you should have the financial separation paperwork on the table and ready to sign when you meet her after the trip. If her attitude hasn't changed you should complete it right away, and she will know that this can't go on any longer.

PS. You should tell her at the same time that the children must be told.

Interesting day yesterday. I had to take the day off work unpaid to look after our D5 as she was unwell and my wife had to go in to work (last day of term at her school).

I've since found out that my wife finished work at 11am and went home without telling me. She proceeded to have a nice nap then left our D11 at home for 2 hours on her own while she went and got her eyebrows done, waxing etc and only after that did she decide that she would pick D5 up, it was 6pm at this point.

Am I wrong in thinking that this is incredibly selfish? I could be wrong but wouldn't you want to be with your poorly child if you had the chance?

Kyle

I have read the post and my now exw had an affair out of the blue , I ended our 20 year marriage and for about 2 months she went wild with no regard for our 2 DC . Started drinking , sleeping about (a lot) and telling me all about it , taking drugs had a ridiculous tattoo on her back and was only thinking of herself and never wanting to be alone with friends always staying with her, She was border Bi polar , I just concentrated on the DC s she eventually slowed down and got married again ...what I am saying is let her go , be there for the children and try to rebuild a better life for yourself it will get better mate ...

Kyle there's no point worrying about it.
Tbh it depends how poorly your kid is. If it is a cold and they are with a parent then there's no need to make a fuss, if they are in hospital it is a bit different.

You go to spend sometime with your dd

The 11 year old ideally shouldn't have been alone.

But really you need to stop focusing and mithering on what she is doing.
You will just end up bitter.

Kids first. Then you.
She is no longer your problem.

From what I can gather there is no affair nor has she slept with anyone else In fact it feels like she has gone in the complete opposite direction. She is telling all that are close to her that she couldn't even think about anyone else at the moment, she has no desire to be in a relationship of any kind and she just want's to be alone.

I'm 99% certain of this.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs - You're like my own personal life coach at the moment, thanks again.

It's hard not to think about her. She leaves for Boston tomorrow and I can't stop worrying about it. She has no sense of direction and no navigation skills, I'm worried about her being in a big city, by herself, in a hostel. I just fear for her safety.

I agree with Herald. Focus on yourself and your children from now on.
Let her go and do whatever she has to.

Start getting the divorce papers drawn up ready for her return. You are not a carrot to be kept dangling.

Just easier said then done.

I've committed so much of my life to her and our relationship over the past 8 years that I just feel lost now she's not there. It sounds silly but I've completely forgotten how to be a single entity and I'm struggling to adapt to this new way of life.

I know that divorce is the right way to go but it's the last thing I want. I want to fight for this marriage but I know it takes more than one person to save a marriage and right now that is not where her head is at.

She has no sense of direction and no navigation skills, he has no sense of direction and no navigation skills

Says who? She gets to school every day, finds the beauticians etc etc