Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife has checked out - I need help

182 replies

KyleM · 20/06/2016 12:01

As the title suggests my marriage has crumbled around me and I don't know what to do! I suppose I best start with a run through of my currently situation.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2, I am 29 and she is 30. We have 2 beautiful daughters (5, 11) and have lived with each other for just short of 6 years. For the most part our relationship has been plain sailing, very infrequent arguments, very intimate, enjoy each others company and co-parent well.

Everything was fine, then on the 17th April my world fell down around me. My W returned home after an evening around a friends and told me that she was unhappy and needed space to sort through her feelings and figure out what was causing it. Reluctantly I agreed to move to my parents and give her space as I could see how upset and serious she was.....After 9 days of moving out I got a phone call from my wife telling me that it was over and gave me the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you", to this day this is the only reason I have been given.

This news hit me hard and for the first 5 weeks I chased and pursued, sending her letters, phoning and texting all of which were met with a cold, distant response. I asked her to fight for our marriage to which she responded "I don't want to fight" and "I don't want a relationship I have to fight for".

My wife turned 30 in January (I don't know if this is significant) and 2016 has been tough. Financially things have been tough with debts mounting up and the constant feeling of money coming to one hand and out the other, childcare has been difficult with both me and my W working full time and there was always this constant feeling that we never had time for the kids. I only see it now but in March my W starting acting a bit erratic, she decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage (which fell through, she decided we were moving to Australia (which fell through), she feel out with close family over the silliest of things and she accused my family of bullying our 11 year old.

The only time I now see or speak to my wife is in relation to the children, when I do she always has a smile on her face and appears happy. I just don't really know what to do?

If anyone needs more information please don't hesitate to ask.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 08:36

Aside from anything else, she's being very cruel. To you and to her mother (her comment to her mother about depression was bullying). She doesn't sound at all nice and seems consumed by selfishness, as though life owes her. Which could, of course, be depression or some mh crisis or other. Or it could not and could be selfishness and entitlement!

If I was in that kind of debt I think I'd get panicky too. But it looks like she's spending her way 'out' of it (which is of course locking her in further). Do you think she's blaming the debt on you - or at least associating you with it? It looks like she's running away from responsibility, blaming others for the mess she's in financially.

Bear with me here: she works at a private school. Perhaps she sees financial ease as a matter of course and can't accept she can't have that lifestyle. But still goes for it.

I'm not sure I agree about filing for divorce. Yy it would help you psychologically but it's also going to cost you. Perhaps go for legal separation - so you are not tied to her debts.

She's certainly a loose canon at the moment. I'd do what I can to limit the damage she's causing, especially financially.

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 08:41

Are you both spenders? Eg you got married on credit - whose decision was that? Do you both spend impetuously (and extravagantly)?

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 08:46

I'm not a spender, I was always the person trying to manage the finances and get us out of our predicament. The wedding on credit was my wives idea, I proposed and she just couldn't wait. She wanted to get married within a year and there was no changing her mind.

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 22/06/2016 08:50

Kyle - you sound like a good man and a good Dad. For starters, the £700 a month paying off credit cards Shock Poor you. This is her debt correct? If I were you, I would speak with a solicitor ASAP about her taking out her latest CC, as surely you cannot be responsible for paying that debt off. The £2000 she ran up on the other CC recently - was this on general household necessities or meaningless spending?

I really think you need to try to move on - at least for now. It sounds like she has.

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 08:55

Have a look here

Dozer · 22/06/2016 08:56

You do need urgent advice about the debts and financial separation.

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 08:57

The £2000 on credit cards was a bit of both. I know she put some Christmas presents on it but I also know that she bought herself a new outfit everytime she went out for an evening.

She spent all this money on her trip but has been moaning she can't afford my D11 School uniform for next year (starting secondary school).....Her priorities have been reduced to just her.

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 09:04

Wow springydaffs that link was eye opening! It seems to sum up my wife perfectly

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 22/06/2016 09:04

Does she work OP? Can you afford to have the debt that she's potentially running up?

The financial side of things concerns me. Pls speak with a solicitor about this

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 09:05

She doesn't work and earns a very good wage but as things stand with me not in the house her outgoings are more than what she's got coming in.

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 09:15

Does work sorry

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 09:17

First off: your child/ren aren't 'my' child/ren by 'our' child/ren. Just saying.

Since you've moved out you are still contributing to household funds? Eg mortgage etc.

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 09:29

I didn't even think when writing 'my'.

I paid all the bills in April as when I originally left it was just a separation and didn't know if I was coming home or not. Since then I've paid maintenance for our children and that's it.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 22/06/2016 09:50

The things you describe business idea, emigration idea, mortgage idea sound like an unhappy person casting around for a big change to "fix" her unhappiness.

Maybe ending the marriage is the change she needed.
Or maybe she'll be just as dissatisfied outside the marriage as she was in it.

Who can say? Only she can. And as she's an adult she can make her own choices, and must live with them.

It is incredibly hard on you too, though. I understand the temptation to hang on, if this is a MH crisis that she might grow out of. However, even if it is, once again only she can take the steps to get help. You need to protect yourself by detaching and focusing on your own needs and those of DC. She will do what she will. You must do the best for yourself.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/06/2016 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 10:26

Is the mortgage in both your names? You might be on a sticky wicket if you stop paying your share of the mortgage? Definitely get some legal advice asap.

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 10:31

I will say my wife is a fantastic mother and never before have doubted her ability to care for our children.

Yes she seems to be struggling now but I don't know if that's because she's lost me as support or there is something more going on with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 10:32

No mortgage we rented.....We was going to move in with the mil to save for a mortgage.

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 11:45

When I approach my wife about divorce I'm thinking of saying something like "it's not what I want but when you get back from your trip we need to talk about divorce" I want her to know the door is slightly open.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 12:12

Perhaps get some info together about compulsive spending when you have your talk.

Because it does look like everything needs to be IMMEDIATE with her - despite the cost. Or perhaps spending to get out of feeling shit...

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 12:13

You do need to get something legal in place, though, re finances. She may go on a spending spree in the states!

Dozer · 22/06/2016 12:16

How much maintenance, a decent amount?

So by your reckoning she cab't afford to live where she is (and you've not contributed to rent or bills since April) and has been spending money: so she could be defaulting on payments (presumably for which you are both legally responsible)? That sounds urgent to address, eg in case she and the DC are at risk of eviction.

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 12:17

Yeah between now and Tuesday I'll arm myself with as much info as I can gather.

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 12:19

I spoke to my mil regarding my wives finances and she did manage to pay all the essential bills but only had £19 cash for the rest of the month.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 12:27

You didn't answer if you are giving her good cm. Was it calculated according to CSA guidelines?