My wife has checked out - I need help

[KyleM]

As the title suggests my marriage has crumbled around me and I don't know what to do! I suppose I best start with a run through of my currently situation.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2, I am 29 and she is 30. We have 2 beautiful daughters (5, 11) and have lived with each other for just short of 6 years. For the most part our relationship has been plain sailing, very infrequent arguments, very intimate, enjoy each others company and co-parent well.

Everything was fine, then on the 17th April my world fell down around me. My W returned home after an evening around a friends and told me that she was unhappy and needed space to sort through her feelings and figure out what was causing it. Reluctantly I agreed to move to my parents and give her space as I could see how upset and serious she was.....After 9 days of moving out I got a phone call from my wife telling me that it was over and gave me the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you", to this day this is the only reason I have been given.

This news hit me hard and for the first 5 weeks I chased and pursued, sending her letters, phoning and texting all of which were met with a cold, distant response. I asked her to fight for our marriage to which she responded "I don't want to fight" and "I don't want a relationship I have to fight for".

My wife turned 30 in January (I don't know if this is significant) and 2016 has been tough. Financially things have been tough with debts mounting up and the constant feeling of money coming to one hand and out the other, childcare has been difficult with both me and my W working full time and there was always this constant feeling that we never had time for the kids. I only see it now but in March my W starting acting a bit erratic, she decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage (which fell through, she decided we were moving to Australia (which fell through), she feel out with close family over the silliest of things and she accused my family of bullying our 11 year old.

The only time I now see or speak to my wife is in relation to the children, when I do she always has a smile on her face and appears happy. I just don't really know what to do?

If anyone needs more information please don't hesitate to ask.

No just my biological daughter, our eldest is going to her dads.

Held on a bit longer for what exactly?
Torture...!!!

I don't really know..... To be fair we're only going to talk about it in 2 weeks.

She's got that time to be certain it's what she wants. If she still does it gives me all the answers I need.

His Kyle, your doing the right thing by taking back control of your situation. You absolutely need to seek advice from. Solicitors and make it so your not liable for her debts. If I were you I'd leave her alone (except communication about DC) and show no interest in her as that may shock her into thinking if you does actually want the divorce or not. You can't be left dangling forever it's very unfair, your DCs need to be told the truth also. Good luck

Thank you everyone that's commented on here. I didn't really know what to expect but you guys have been very supportive, it means a lot.

I would speak to a solicitor asap about legal separation as I would not want to be responsible for any debts she runs up on a shopping spree in American outlet malls ...

Sorry you're in such a sad and difficult situation. Really do suggest you do your research and get advice asap on financial separation/liability for debts, custody, access time with your daughter who is not biologically yours. Doing so doesn't commit you to divorce.

What hurts me most in all of this is how completely out of the blue this hit me and how unfazed and indifferent she's been.

Her own family and friends have told me that she is completely emotionless nor does she ever speak about me.

Held on to what? She's checked out.

You don't need to divorce. But you can legally separate (stuck record)

What if she goes on a spending spree while she's in the states? You'd be financially liable for that. If you legally separate now you won't be.

Yy. Legal separation asap.

I've looked into it, just need to find £365 to be able to do it.

Do what?

Sorry legal separation.

BEtter to be finding 365 now than paying her credit card later. At this point you need to be cynical.

Well done. File asap?

My DH started behaving erratically a few months ago. It eventually led to suicide attempts and a diagnosis of severe depression.

The similarities to your wife's behaviour are that he has a lot of debt and he recently turned 40. It may be that she too has depression and isn't thinking clearly.

However, you have fought for your marriage and she still wants it to be over, so sadly all you can do is respect that and move on while protecting yourself and the children.

I know I need to stop doing it but a mutual friend who went round to see her last night has told me that the house is in a really bad way. She told me that the house smells quite bad (a sewage kind of smell) and all the rooms are a state.

I think it's perfectly fine to keep a watching brief, as I said upthread. Does the mutual friend support your W? If so, perhaps support the friend?

In MH, it is easier to access further help from services for those who have already used them. A first episode of hypomania (or second in my case, as with the first, people told me I was manic but I was having none of it) is harder to get help for until it has become a crisis. OTOH people do recover from hypomania without medication, as I did with my first episode (although then it was not much fun as I tried to rebuild the marriage I'd fucked up).

sending warm wishes.

(I seem to be assuming MH issues - because of your update, which is consistent with poss MH issues - and because what I have to say is only relevant if MH is the problem. But obviously I don't actually know what's going on )

I don't mean to pry but when was having a manic episode could you not see any hope in you marriage? Did you push your partner away and show no emotion towards him?

Kyle every situation is completely unique. Your questions presuppose things that were not true in my case. During my untreated episode I became hypersexual with my H, hope did not feature as I was literally living moment to moment and had lost all judgment. During the first treated one my behaviour was based on psychotic delusion and it became obvious that I needed psychiatric help.

That's why I say it's hard to know what to do except keep a watching brief, and get a solicitor and information about your options.

Hmmmm interesting evening last night. Me and my wife got into a bit of a back and fourth regarding divorce.

She was telling me that divorce will have to wait till she can afford it and it won't be for at least a year. I told her that I would pay for it and it's not something I want hanging over me which wasn't received well. She was coming up with all kinds of excuses as to why that wouldn't work and told me to wait till she gets back from her trip and we can talk about it.

Don't let her keep you dangling while you pay her bills.

Unless one of the reasons she gave was "I don't want to get divorced because I want to save our marriage".

Get the financial separation asap the divorce can wait till later.

Really struggling tonight, so many things racing through my head! Why wife has told people that she wouldn't care if I moved on and started dating someone else, it's been 10 weeks!

I've also learnt that a week before she kicked me out she was telling a mutual friend just how much she loved me, apparently really gushing about me.