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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife has checked out - I need help

182 replies

KyleM · 20/06/2016 12:01

As the title suggests my marriage has crumbled around me and I don't know what to do! I suppose I best start with a run through of my currently situation.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2, I am 29 and she is 30. We have 2 beautiful daughters (5, 11) and have lived with each other for just short of 6 years. For the most part our relationship has been plain sailing, very infrequent arguments, very intimate, enjoy each others company and co-parent well.

Everything was fine, then on the 17th April my world fell down around me. My W returned home after an evening around a friends and told me that she was unhappy and needed space to sort through her feelings and figure out what was causing it. Reluctantly I agreed to move to my parents and give her space as I could see how upset and serious she was.....After 9 days of moving out I got a phone call from my wife telling me that it was over and gave me the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you", to this day this is the only reason I have been given.

This news hit me hard and for the first 5 weeks I chased and pursued, sending her letters, phoning and texting all of which were met with a cold, distant response. I asked her to fight for our marriage to which she responded "I don't want to fight" and "I don't want a relationship I have to fight for".

My wife turned 30 in January (I don't know if this is significant) and 2016 has been tough. Financially things have been tough with debts mounting up and the constant feeling of money coming to one hand and out the other, childcare has been difficult with both me and my W working full time and there was always this constant feeling that we never had time for the kids. I only see it now but in March my W starting acting a bit erratic, she decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage (which fell through, she decided we were moving to Australia (which fell through), she feel out with close family over the silliest of things and she accused my family of bullying our 11 year old.

The only time I now see or speak to my wife is in relation to the children, when I do she always has a smile on her face and appears happy. I just don't really know what to do?

If anyone needs more information please don't hesitate to ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 12:34

Sorry I'm giving her £250 a month, it should be £140 through the CSA. I don't pay for D11 as her dad already does.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 12:44

Sounds fair to me.

You do know if you divorce, she will probably get more than she's getting now? Plus at least half all marital assets, savings, your pension etc.

Talk to a lawyer asap to see where you stand if you divorce.

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 12:46

eg she may jump at the idea of a divorce because it could mean immediate £££.

If she doesn't address her spending compulsion (

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 13:05

Talking about this stuff is tough because it solidifies it's really over. I've allowed myself to live in this little bubble over the past 9 weeks refusing to accept the fact that I may never go back to my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 13:05

Talking about this stuff is tough because it solidifies it's really over. I've allowed myself to live in this little bubble over the past 9 weeks refusing to accept the fact that I may never go back to my family.

OP posts:
milbracat · 22/06/2016 13:35

You do know if you divorce, she will probably get more than she's getting now? Plus at least half all marital assets, savings, your pension etc.

and people wonder why so many men are reluctant to get married. Here, the OP has done nothing wrong, yet stands to lose possibly most of his savings, pension etc purely on a whim of a wife who as "checked out" of the marriage. She upsets the status quo, yet expects (and gets away with) the husband having to leave the marital home.

OP, I think you're in somewhat of a denial. Its all very well being conciliatory and is commendable but unless you harden your heart, you are likely to be taken for a ride by your wife and her lawyer when the time comes. She is not a "fantastic mother" as she has already scuppered the children's relationship to their father and also her financial excesses are going to affect the children at some point.

Is theere a good reason for delaying until next Tuesday for the needed "talk"?

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 13:39

The reason I'm doing it Tuesday is because I know that the kids won't be present when I collect my stuff out the house and I know my wife will be on her own (she has currently been having her best friend round pretty much every night accept Tuesday's and Thursday's)

OP posts:
Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 14:08

Oh another thing I've found out since leaving the house is my wife has still been looking into emigrating to Australia with our kids. I've been told this by my sister in law who is concerned she's having a mid life or something

OP posts:
Dozer · 22/06/2016 14:38

And yet you haven't sought legal advice because.........?

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 15:17

Because I genuinely believed that it would all blow over and I'd just go home.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 15:24

and people wonder why so many men are reluctant to get married.

It's not only men who lose out financially when there's a divorce. Chances are, over time, women more than carry the financial flak of a failed marriage. If men are the greater earner they usually make up lost revenue over time. Women not so much [understatement]

And this is assuming the woman is the lesser earner. Not always the case at all.

Both men and women get married for similar reasons - there's no inequality there. We both have much to lose if things go wrong.

SandyY2K · 22/06/2016 15:26

You need to start facing reality and seek legal advice. Moving your DD across the world isn't acceptable.

I agree with the poster up thread - no wonder men are reluctant to get married these days.

Your wife isn't satisfied with her life and thinks another country would be better. I think the same myself at times, but I can't just up and leave on a whim with my DCs.

Does she know anyone in Australia?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/06/2016 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 15:27

Of course it's understandable that you are taking a while to catch up - it all happened so suddenly.

However, legal advice doesn't mean legal action. You can take it or leave it. But it's good to know where you stand. Many family lawyers offer first half hour free so you get a good idea of what you can expect if you divorce.

You need to get some advice because she is being such a loose cannon financially and you would be (already are to date) liable for her excesses.

Dozer · 22/06/2016 15:36

Totally disagree with the sexist "understand why men won't get married" stuff from some posters.

We don't know whether OP and/or his wife will lose out most financially if they divorce. His wife reportedly has a well paid job, for example. It sounds like they are both in financial difficulties, have few assets to split and debts, so separation is likely to make this worse for them both.

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 15:44

No my wife doesn't know anyone in Australia that I'm aware of.

My wife hasn't seen a doctor nor will she ever. My wife can be really stubborn and doesn't like to show weakness or vulnerability.

I'm not too concerned about finances, myself and my wife aren't spiteful people and I believe we could divorce amicably

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 15:49

my wife aren't spiteful people and I believe we could divorce amicably

uh-oh...

milbracat · 22/06/2016 15:56

The most sexist part of this thread has been the benign acceptance of when a the woman declares she wants some "space" in the relationship it is the man who is expected to move out to facilitate this. What would have happened if the OP had said "fine, you can stay at your parents for your space, I am staying here"? Would it be acceptable to turf the woman out of the marital home if the man had declared out of the blue he needed the "space"?

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 16:07

I'm guessing you think I'm being short sighted springdaffs.

With regards to me leaving the home, I could see sadness in her eyes and the pain on her face. I knew then it was serious and sometimes I needed to do

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 16:27

I do think you're short-sighted about expecting things to go smoothly, yes.

Only because if I had a pound for every time that's been said on here in particular... I'd be, you guessed it, rich.

Sadly, things usually get nasty. It's very very unusual when they don't. Bear in mind what's at stake: kids, house, money. The former and the latter usually gets people steamed up.

springydaffs · 22/06/2016 16:39

And you absolutely MUST get legal advice about stopping her taking the kids to Oz.

She doesn't even know anyone there! She is, or her behaviour is, hardly a safe bet. Which is anyway besides the point: there are laws in place to prevent parents taking their kids out of the country against the other parent's wishes.

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 16:54

I've looked into the Australia thing and it's child abduction to take them without permission.

She would need written permission from myself to take them.

A part of me is hoping we don't need to proceed with divorce but I think I'm being optimistic

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/06/2016 17:01

Then go for legal separation. That would at least put a lock on you being liable for the finances.

It's not surprising you're taking time to get used to everything. It's not even been two months. It's all very well for people to say on here 'Divorce!' but much harder to do. Especially when you've been taken by complete surprise and everything feels very confusing.

Original poster
KyleM · 22/06/2016 17:20

I can see the benefit of starting a conversation about divorce with her. I've had no control over any of this and have basically been at the mercy of my wife.

She hasn't once asked me to collect my things from the house, she hasn't once mentioned divorce and she hasn't told the kids this is permanent and I've just gone along with it.

In my mind it sends a message to my wife that I'm clinging on and waiting for her

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 22/06/2016 17:26

I have a diagnosis of bipolar, my first episode of hypomania took place in my late 30s under the stress of financial pressure and infertility treatment, the second under the stress of severe financial pressure plus SAHM to 2 under 3. (I am careful now at times of stress, but watch my triggers, my sleep and my nutrition now.)

I see possible hypomania/mania here, but from experience it is difficult for others to do anything about it except keep a watching brief. Manic people think they are just fine, and in my first episode I wasn't hospitalised as I didn't do anything "mad", just risky behaviour and v speedy and sleepless. (I nearly fucked up my marriage.) The second time I became delusional, and it was clear that help had to be called. (I recovered extremely quickly with the right medication.)

Of course, I'm not diagnosing over the internet. But if the underlying problem is a bipolar episode, perhaps my experience may be of help in some small way.