My wife has checked out - I need help

[KyleM]

As the title suggests my marriage has crumbled around me and I don't know what to do! I suppose I best start with a run through of my currently situation.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2, I am 29 and she is 30. We have 2 beautiful daughters (5, 11) and have lived with each other for just short of 6 years. For the most part our relationship has been plain sailing, very infrequent arguments, very intimate, enjoy each others company and co-parent well.

Everything was fine, then on the 17th April my world fell down around me. My W returned home after an evening around a friends and told me that she was unhappy and needed space to sort through her feelings and figure out what was causing it. Reluctantly I agreed to move to my parents and give her space as I could see how upset and serious she was.....After 9 days of moving out I got a phone call from my wife telling me that it was over and gave me the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you", to this day this is the only reason I have been given.

This news hit me hard and for the first 5 weeks I chased and pursued, sending her letters, phoning and texting all of which were met with a cold, distant response. I asked her to fight for our marriage to which she responded "I don't want to fight" and "I don't want a relationship I have to fight for".

My wife turned 30 in January (I don't know if this is significant) and 2016 has been tough. Financially things have been tough with debts mounting up and the constant feeling of money coming to one hand and out the other, childcare has been difficult with both me and my W working full time and there was always this constant feeling that we never had time for the kids. I only see it now but in March my W starting acting a bit erratic, she decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage (which fell through, she decided we were moving to Australia (which fell through), she feel out with close family over the silliest of things and she accused my family of bullying our 11 year old.

The only time I now see or speak to my wife is in relation to the children, when I do she always has a smile on her face and appears happy. I just don't really know what to do?

If anyone needs more information please don't hesitate to ask.

I couldn't really think of any signs of depression, she had low moments but there were triggers.

She has definitely had moments of acting irrational and taking risks. She would get an idea in her head like setting up her own business then it would die out. There are a few more I could list.

OP - When she had these high periods has she spent a large amount of money?

Has she ever done something without thinking that may have caused her or her children to be at risk of an accident or injury?

A quick google suggests that mental disorders such as bipolar commonly start during late teens/twenties.

Since she has ended the relationship you need to respect that and seek legal advice on arrangements for the DC and money.

Have you asked a good mutual friend for their thoughts, asking them to be brutal with the truth? I think I'd want that. As others say she is sounding a bit unstable, but that could just be an end of the relationship flip out. My sympathy it sounds horrible

I'm really struggling accept it. At no point have I got angry with my wife, the love I have for her is consuming me and would do anything to go home again.

I really feel for you OP, but she is clearly selfish and irresponsible. Who cares if she has depression or whatever - it's not an excuse to behave in such a hurtful way. Any alleged illness is not your problem - it ceased being your problem when she told you it was over. Take the advice from the wise women here - look after yourself and focus on arrangements that have your children's welfare as number one priority.

I'm just in limbo, she ended it but has never mentioned divorce to me and she's still telling the kids I'm helping nanny so everytime I have them they ask "when are you coming home?".

You need to make proper arrangements to separate financially etc. and to tell the DC what's actually going on.

I urge you not to psychoanalyse you exW too much Kyle. Obviously you have a duty to be reasonably aware of her fitness to look after your children, but this doesn't sound like it's in question. Any more than that I would not make your business - as cold and harsh as it sounds it is no longer your place.

For that I am truly sorry as you sound deeply hurt, but you are no longer her chosen partner and whether or not you think she's depressed or what you think of her life choices (short of how it might impact the children) is not something you should involve yourself in.

This kind of speculation will be counter-productive to you moving on - which is 100% what you need to be doing right now - and is surely tainted by your feeling of disbelief that the woman you thought you knew has left. You will be looking for a reason. Don't. Sometimes in life there are no reasons - at least not ones we ever get to know. I would try and make your peace with that.

Other advice about making proper arrangements, I second all of this.

Again, I am sorry. This must be very hard for you.

Again thank you all for your messages, sounds silly but I can't talk to my friends and family about this because of the anger they have.

I have been back and fourth over the past week about whether I should initiate a conversation about divorce. I feel like I'm being used as a safety net or plan b

Hmm the difficulty is I've been where your wife is - very unhappily married- and I'm sure my ex and mil would have said similar things about my behaviour. I lost weight, started staying up very late (enjoying music, watching random telly, messaging friends on Facebook etc trying to find my own identity again) and booked a few holidays for myself knowing that ex and mil would look after dd (who was 8 months old at the time - this was 13 years ago now). I'm sure they thought I was losing the plot but actually it was part of a process of me coming out of my depression rather than falling into it. I had been unhappy in my marriage for a long time prior to having dd and having dd just compounded it for me.

A couple of things stand out to me - you say she thinks your family bullies her 11 year old? Why does she think this? What do you do when she voices this?

Also the debts / money - how are these managed?

Money and step children are often one of the causes of difficulties in relationships. I am wondering if these things combined sort of set it all off?

To be honest the bullying thing was a strange one and I didn't really know what happened, my wives sister was even accused of bullying her. From what I can remember it was something really trivial that was blown well out of proportion and I probably shouldn't have but I kept out of it.

The debt was/is stressful.... We basically got married all on credit and just couldn't escape it. In November we got a loan out to consolidate the debt but my wife never cancelled her credit card so she ran £2000 back up on that. Then in March she received a CCJ letter regarding a £1000 debt she's been running from for 10 years. It got to a point we were paying out £700+ a month on credit so dreams of a mortgage faded fast.

I have been back and fourth over the past week about whether I should initiate a conversation about divorce.

Personally I feel like you should, if nothing else because it should give you some much needed information about the lie of the land and how things are going to progress from here. I can imagine one of the biggest difficulties is not being able to imagine how you're own future might look at this point, and you can't start to imagine this (crucial to regaining your power over your own life and moving on) without at least broaching the subject.

I also think if your exW remains non-committal about it for an extended period (as it seems it has already been) you should think about taking that decision into your own hands - for your own sake. You deserve to be the master of your own destiny at this point. Breakups have no end of sad and demoralising side effects, but regaining control over your happiness is one of the big positives you can strive for.

Can I just add that my mil told me that my wife has said to her that she was unhappy for a month or 2 before she asked me to leave. From what I can gather this isn't something which has been building for years.

So my wife goes on her trip next Friday, I'm planning on going to clear all of my things out of the house a couple days before she does and tell her that when she gets back I want to sit down and talk about divorce.

If there is any doubt in her mind do you think the trip away on her own will give her time to think it over?

No point in thinking about that: if she has a change of heart she will let you know but you shouldn't count on it or wait around.

I think I'm going to do that, there is a chance her trip away clears her head and makes her come back wanting to fight for our marriage.

It annoys me because she's the one who's ended the marriage and I'm going to be the one who shells out for divorce.

At the very least you need a financial separation so any debt she accrues is her own as otherwise you could be in a position where all that is left of your marriage is the debts.

And you need to sort out co parenting.
What do you want by way of time with the kids? Think about that and how you would manage it with you both working FT.

It could be bpd. Mine got dramatically worse at that age. But that doesn't really help you. She may recover if it is. But don't hold out for it.

This is very unfair on your children.

You need to explain to them so they understand that your wife has ended your marriage and you are not coming home to her/them as a family but that you love them and you and them are a family now and they and their mother is a separate family.

You do need to make the split legal so you are not liable for debts she runs up, so that you can start to move on and so that you can make a sound base for your DC.

I've actually rang around a few solicitors earlier and got some quotes. I'm going to do some homework and you think what I want out of the divorce and speak to her next week.

It's funny you mention finances as I believe she's taken out a new credit card to pay for her trip away.

So is the general consensus on here that I give up hope on my marriage and bite the bullet and start divorce proceedings?

I am afraid so.

There is no point chasing after someone who doesn't want to be chased. You meed to look.after yourself and make sure you get to be a part of your kids' lives.

If she changes her mind further down the line you can deal with that then.

I would say so, she either just wants out and that's something you need to accept, or she may be depressed/bipolar/unwell but by trying to force her to stay will push her away.

Start divorce proceedings but keep an eye on her but because she's the mother of your children not because she's your wife

I was scared that might be the answer. Think I'm going speak to her Tuesday and tell her I want a divorce, I'm going to give her time to think about it purely because I'll kick myself if I don't.