My wife has checked out - I need help

[KyleM]

As the title suggests my marriage has crumbled around me and I don't know what to do! I suppose I best start with a run through of my currently situation.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2, I am 29 and she is 30. We have 2 beautiful daughters (5, 11) and have lived with each other for just short of 6 years. For the most part our relationship has been plain sailing, very infrequent arguments, very intimate, enjoy each others company and co-parent well.

Everything was fine, then on the 17th April my world fell down around me. My W returned home after an evening around a friends and told me that she was unhappy and needed space to sort through her feelings and figure out what was causing it. Reluctantly I agreed to move to my parents and give her space as I could see how upset and serious she was.....After 9 days of moving out I got a phone call from my wife telling me that it was over and gave me the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you", to this day this is the only reason I have been given.

This news hit me hard and for the first 5 weeks I chased and pursued, sending her letters, phoning and texting all of which were met with a cold, distant response. I asked her to fight for our marriage to which she responded "I don't want to fight" and "I don't want a relationship I have to fight for".

My wife turned 30 in January (I don't know if this is significant) and 2016 has been tough. Financially things have been tough with debts mounting up and the constant feeling of money coming to one hand and out the other, childcare has been difficult with both me and my W working full time and there was always this constant feeling that we never had time for the kids. I only see it now but in March my W starting acting a bit erratic, she decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage (which fell through, she decided we were moving to Australia (which fell through), she feel out with close family over the silliest of things and she accused my family of bullying our 11 year old.

The only time I now see or speak to my wife is in relation to the children, when I do she always has a smile on her face and appears happy. I just don't really know what to do?

If anyone needs more information please don't hesitate to ask.

Thank you for sharing your story.

If there is an underlying issue with my wife then it's something she is going to have to figure out on her own as she will not listen to myself of her family. She has and will continue to shut out any such talk

Can someone answer me this and it might be a really stupid question. Since my wife ended out marriage she has been updating her facebook profile picture once, sometimes twice a week. It is always pictures of just her, our kids are nowhere to be seen.

Before this all happened I would say she used to do it once every 1-2 months. Am I looking in to this too much or does this suggest something to you guys?

I wouldn't read too much into it.
She's probably putting herself 'out there' a bit more now she considers herself 'single'
Take back some control.
Have you seen a solicitor yet?
Get your facts together and start to push for an outcome.

Don't read too much into it. In fact, don't look at her social media activity at all - that way obsessive madness lies, and you have more practical things to be focusing on.

What she does is what she does, and it's not your concern at the moment. By her own choice.

I was speaking with a close friend who was informing me about 'quarter life crisis' and believes that it could be what my wife is going through...Has anyone got any knowledge of this or experienced one first hand?

In the nicest possible way there is very little benefit in trying to analyse her behaviour. At the moment she is single, she's not behaving as though she's married to you because in her mind she isn't anymore. I know that sounds incredibly harsh but I think once you can create some emotional distance you will start to feel better and see things more clearly. I agree with the others - get some proper legal advice.

No point whatsoever in speculating OP. Get real, get focused on the important stuff like telling the DCs and agreeing custody and financial arrangements, sorting financial separation asap, and addressing what this means for you with respect to employment, housing etc.

I think you need to keep your distance from her. Chasing will only
Drive her away but keeping your distance may give her chance to reconsider.
However I do think you need to deal with this as if the relationship is over. She sounds as though she's fed up of her life and needs an adventure. It's fine she's going to the US on her own, don't say a word and let her go. She needs to work out what might make her happy.
You need to focus on being a good parent, make that your goal

Do you guys think I should proceed with divorce and if it's not what she wants she'll soon let me know?

Do you guys think I should proceed with divorce and if it's not what she wants she'll soon let me know?

Sorry I don't understand? My head is literally scrambled at the moment and can't think straight.

See a solicitor to clarify your options and their consequences.

Dont decide anything yet - when you have more info from solicitor, I would suggest giving yourself 3 days to think things through in detail.

OP - a divorce is very final but why don't you start looking into your options with a solicitor? It seems the best option right now for all of you. You don't have to move on and stop caring BUT you need to start taking baby steps in case her mind is made up

A divorce can be stopped at any point until it is finished.

Even if you do divorce there is nothing to stop you getting back together.

I don't want to give you false hope this will happen though.

Get the ball rolling to protect yourself and build stability for you and your DC.

Treat your marriage as over and try to start healing.

Don't entertain getting back together on her say so unless she has a lot of help to sort herself out beforehand. A good 6 months to year minimum.

You need to be practical and sort out the financial separation, time with DC etc - lots of advice out there.

Well I've got this coming weeken free so I'm going to do some investigating, maybe meet with a solicitor.

At the moment I just feel like starting divorce proceedings. I love my wife with all my heart and it's really not what I want but none of this is about what I want. I need some closure and I need to take some control and maybe that's the way to do it.

Sounds like she is having some mental health issues and needs support, the difficulty there is she needs to ask for help.
Hope things improve for you.

Like you say nothing I can do to help her, it's something she has to figure out by herself.

I can say this for certain, she is not the same women I married 2 years ago

Not sure should have done it but I went to the house today and collected all my things and told my wife that I loved her and I didn't want it but we need to sit down and talk about divorce and how we proceed. I gave her the option to talk about it before or after her trip and she wanted to talk after.

She didn't batter an eyelid and appeared completely unfazed. I'm going to try and not look too much into this and do my homework re solicitors and things over the next couple of weeks while I wait for her return.

I personally don't like to have my future in someone else's hands, so regardless of whether or not I wanted divorce I'd proceed with it. It's hurtful enough being dumped, but to be kept with false hope is something I would not allow. You may be different.

Her not being decisive sends a feeling of he's the back up plan if my single life doesn't work out.

The FB pictures?
Could be her showing the new her, but don't get hung up on it.

She sounds confused, but why should your marriage be dependent on her confusion.

I have to say so many people think a split will be amicable until you get down to it. Yours might be amicable but don't bank on it.

Emotional detachment will help you.

If she comes back and wants to proceed with divorce then I fully intend on going through with it.

She definitely isn't the same person I knew and I think she needs to talk to someone but I know in my heart I can't wait around for that.

Who knows what future will hold, as they say if it's true love it will come back (romantic view I know)

I think you are doing the right thing.
It's sad but necessary.

Filled with absolute regret this morning, questioning if I should have held on a bit longer

Are you looking after both DC while your wife is away?