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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU to be fed up and jealous

139 replies

cinderallaswife · 19/06/2016 13:22

My husband has a good job but the pay is not that great, we have a significant amount of debt, so money is tight but not impossible. The majority of the debt stems from toys my husband has treated himself too including boats and various cars.
I am feeling really low at the moment as my husband has just been on a week long business trip travelling first class and enjoying Michelin star food whilst staying in a lovely 5 star hotel. He came back from his trip and went straight out on a lads weekend without coming home. The kids are really missing him, especially today as he won't be home till late tonight.
Whilst he's been away I have run everything including walking the dog twice per day and working full time. I'm exhausted. When he arrives home he will expect a roast dinner and the house to be clean and tidy and his shirts etc ironed for the week.
All of this would be fine but, the last time we went out as a couple was 14 months ago for a drink at our local pub and the only meals out I get are when my parents take us out about twice a year to the local pub. I feel very depressed as my husband seems to have a great life whilst I am stuck at home saddled with debt which doesn't allow me to have fun. When he does arrive back tonight their will be washing to do, he will expect an 'early night' and I will be up at 6am to start the daily chores.
AIBU to be fed up and depressed or am I just jealous?

OP posts:

coco1810 · 19/06/2016 18:28

Absolutely no way would I be washing and ironing his shorts and if he asked what's for dinner I would chuck a take away menu off his head. He's taking the piss and provides very little to your family. Put you and the kids first and ltb!

Original poster

cinderallaswife · 19/06/2016 19:05

Well he came home. DS got a gift, DD got a tenner and nothing for me. Apparently my roast potatoes were ' not up to their usual standard' and I've recorded the Grand Prix on the wrong channel. He's now sat with his feet up whilst I load dishwasher. I did get a hug which was amazing.

I guess I have a lot of work to do and it'll be a long slow journey.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 19/06/2016 19:09

It's sad that you seem so in love with him whilst he treats you so badly.

Montane50 · 19/06/2016 19:20

I very much doubt you'll even begin the journey op. Despite having so much support on here and hearing it in many forms? You're still loading the dishwasher and grateful for a hug. I can't imagine being treat in this way and accepting it, which makes me question your upbringing -was your mother treat in the same way? And dare i ask but is it a cultural thing? (Nit in any way being racist or derogatory, but just realise some cultures bring their women up to accept this behaviour )

AtTheEndofTheRoad · 19/06/2016 19:20

I've been you for years and it won't get better. I'm not sure I'm yet in a position to advise, but-
Your options are:
A. Accept that the situation is as now, but you are prepared to put up with it for the moment.
B. Stay, but stop accepting his ill treatment.
C. Leave
( or combine the first option with a longer term plan for getting out)

At least if you choose option A make sure that your son helps with jobs as much as your daughter.

BolshierAryaStark · 19/06/2016 19:26

Fuck that shit, open your eyes & see what you are teaching your children!
He sounds like a fucking royal pain in the arse, not one I'd tolerate so I say LTB.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/06/2016 19:40

... and it'll be a long slow journey

With young DC, OP, you don't really have that luxury.

Burying your head in the sand isn't an option anymore. Your DC are being imprinted the whole time with what's going on in your home.

Be the strong woman you want your DD to be.

Why does the journey have to be long and slow? How long does it take to say 'Enough, fuckwit'?

IonaNE · 19/06/2016 19:43

OP, the most appalling part of this is your DS in his room while your DD mopping the floor saying "this is my life". What is this, the Victorian Era? Furthermore, your DD might, just might realise later that no, this is not her life and she can actually have a husband who treats her as his equal; but you'll have raised a son who'll treat women exactly like your husband treats you. And I think it is much less likely that your DS will snap out of it and realise that women are not to be treated like this. You have a full-time job and run the family like a single parent - all this for the chance of a hug. Sorry, OP, but this is really tragic. :(

HandyWoman · 19/06/2016 19:45

Your kids are on the brink of adolescence.

You. Do. Not. Have. Time.

Take yourself off up to bed, and have a think about a different life.. There's one out there...

I LTB and my dc are happy and well adjusted and no longer see the 'man of the house' sitting on his arse the whole time.

It's a gift you can give them - it's absolutely priceless. The best role model you can be is someone free to live their own life. Not enslaved, miserable or resentful...

expatinscotland · 19/06/2016 19:47

I feel sorry for your daughter most of all. This is how girls grow up to become women in abusive relationships.

Naicehamshop · 19/06/2016 19:50

This just cannot be for real. Please tell me that this is a massive wind up OP??

Whisky2014 · 19/06/2016 19:51

So you say "you can make the potatoes next time"

chocoLit · 19/06/2016 19:54

So he took the time to buy DS a gift and handed your DD a tenner?!!

Is it just me?!?

Op please PLEASE go shove the potatoes down his throat, change the channel and tell him to load the dishwasher

MissBattleaxe · 19/06/2016 19:56

Sadly, your DH is providing a very unhealthy blueprint on which your children will build their future relationships.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 19/06/2016 19:57

I hear you all, but I don't feel strong enough to act as it's easier to keep my head down and crack on

What about your DD and DS though? You decide to bury your head in the sand, but they don't get a choice. They need you to NOT 'keep your head down' even if it is easier.

You have a job, they're not babies, but they really need you to step up for them now.

It's really easy to not take action OP, I get that, really. Your DD though, and that mop. Please change things for them.

If you put up with it, then they have to. That's not fair.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/06/2016 20:04

Yes, you do have a lot of work to do.

Have you realised that he is using the debt to keep you caged? Next time he upgrades, refuse to put your name on the debt.

Do you understand what work you need to do?

It sounds to me like you need to work quickly if you are to reduce your children chances of ending up in abusive relationships. It isn't long before they'll be dating.

Your DD is already making comments about her home life. It won't be long before the sleazy men notice she is desperate for escape, desperate for crumbs of love and has never seen a woman refuse anything to a man if he has a little strop. Dangerous stuff.

Are you ready to work on it?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/06/2016 20:20

This. With bells on.

travailtotravel · 19/06/2016 20:57

I think you need to sell one of the toys to clear the debt. Please don't suffer for this arse.

Whisky2014 · 19/06/2016 21:02

So op. He racked up debt to buy stuff for himself which your job pays to clear but his pay manages to allow him to have fun for just himself and no one else? He gets the holidays and you get to perfect your potatoes. Seriously. Leave him you will be much better off without him! He doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't treat you this way.

lavenderhoney · 19/06/2016 21:46

Your aunt sounds nice. Talk to her lots and lots more. Support doesn't have to be financial.

Your dh sounds like my ex dh. How hard he works and needs to relax. Only with his friends. Note the ex.

Your DM also sounds like my DM. Ignore and don't say anything to her, expect she'll be on his side - you did not give up your identity when you got married and sign up for slavery.

And I can't believe ( well I can, actually) he bins you and DC off for a holiday. Who are these mates? I suspect he is shagging someone else tbh. Take the DC to France and enjoy a trip with them anyway. Don't go near him. And why is the debt joint for his bullshit toys? I assume you both own the toy then?

That is possibly a relief to you. I expect he is a crap shag to boot.

Get a babysitter and go out a bit. On your own with your friends . He won't like that. Controlling fuckwit. And get all the finances sorted, your name off any joint credit cards etc. Open a personal account and siphon off cash into it. Think and organise.

quencher · 19/06/2016 22:00

The lads he has gone away with do they have kids too? Was it just for the weekend or did it involve Sunday too op?

SandyY2K · 19/06/2016 22:36

The word NO exists and is a complete sentence. You need to start using it more with your H. He's not a DH in any way shape or form.

Because this is an Internet forum with strangers, I don't honestly know if everything you say is true, but the comment from your daughter was painful to hear.

You're failing her by doing this. Quite simply start saying NO.

I've never ironed my DHs shirts. He does it himself. You also need to get earplugs to block off his whining and sulking.

This is 2016 and women need to stand up for themselves. Find your inner strength and do not have your daughter think this is her lot in life.

expatinscotland · 19/06/2016 22:56

I'd sell all his fucking 'toys' whilst he was away for work and stick the money in an account. When he flipped his lid, I'd tell him to go fuck himself. I'll wager you London to a brick he's got another woman, too, hence all these 'mates' trips.

BoatyMcBoat · 19/06/2016 23:52

It is dangerous for your dd now, she is imbibing this stuff with every breath. How do you think he would feel if he knew what your dd thought, how she saw her life? Would he be appalled, or would he be OK with that?

This is a hard thing to do, but you do need to be as fast as you can, as your children have already taken on roles. Talk to your dd about it, tell her that even though it's what has happened to you that doesn't mean it has to happen to her, that she has choices and subjugating herself is not one you recommend. Encourage her to look further, aim high, be independent. As time goes by, you might even be able to present yourself as a cautionary tale - that may be harsh of me to suggest it, but she's of an age where what she's learning about relationships at home will be indelible so you have to be tough with yourself.

I bet if you were separated, the debt problem would be simplified - the expensive toys would be sold off which would cover at leastome of the debt. You would get child support from him, and half the house value (or more).

If you were to say to him that you too have a stressful job and you work long hours - even longer than he does in fact - and ask for your fair share of jollies, well what would he say?

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 20/06/2016 00:09

Remember that series 'wife swap'? Let me have him for two weeks, i'll sort the selfish bastard out..

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