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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to be fed up and jealous

139 replies

cinderallaswife · 19/06/2016 13:22

My husband has a good job but the pay is not that great, we have a significant amount of debt, so money is tight but not impossible. The majority of the debt stems from toys my husband has treated himself too including boats and various cars.
I am feeling really low at the moment as my husband has just been on a week long business trip travelling first class and enjoying Michelin star food whilst staying in a lovely 5 star hotel. He came back from his trip and went straight out on a lads weekend without coming home. The kids are really missing him, especially today as he won't be home till late tonight.
Whilst he's been away I have run everything including walking the dog twice per day and working full time. I'm exhausted. When he arrives home he will expect a roast dinner and the house to be clean and tidy and his shirts etc ironed for the week.
All of this would be fine but, the last time we went out as a couple was 14 months ago for a drink at our local pub and the only meals out I get are when my parents take us out about twice a year to the local pub. I feel very depressed as my husband seems to have a great life whilst I am stuck at home saddled with debt which doesn't allow me to have fun. When he does arrive back tonight their will be washing to do, he will expect an 'early night' and I will be up at 6am to start the daily chores.
AIBU to be fed up and depressed or am I just jealous?

OP posts:
tyke1989 · 19/06/2016 14:32

He brings nothing to the relationship and is selfish and spoilt put him in his place otherwise leave him , I wouldn't let no one treat me or my children like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2016 14:33

"I hear you all, but I don't feel strong enough to act as it's easier to keep my head down and crack on".

Its an excuse, not a reason for staying. Is it really easier, this is really death by 1000 cuts. You will keep growing flowers in the hole he has dug for you if you keep your head down.

If you have girls they are learning from you also about relationships here, you are doing your fair bit here to teach them that yes, this is how people behave in relationships, this will be your "norm" too.

Re your comment:-
"When I've discussed it with my mum she tells me I'm a 'woe me' and should just get on with it for the sake of the children. So no support there".

Your mother's frankly shit counsel is partly why you are in this position in the first place; it sounds like she has never been of much use or ornament to you either. Staying for the children is never a good idea and in your case as well it is showing them that a loveless marriage will be their norm too.

HandyWoman · 19/06/2016 14:33

OMG!! This is more than enough reason to leave!!!! Bloody hell! He sounds superficial. Nice wife - tick.
Nice house (kept clean be nice wife) - tick
Beautiful children (raised by nice wife - tick)
Nice life with food and laundry (all sorted by nice wife) - tick
Nice holidays for me (ditch wife and kids when doesn't suit) - tick
Nice friends and time away - tick
Nice toys - tick

Well WTF do you get out of this, OP.

The thing that gets me almost as much as his entitlement is the sheer superficial nature of his very existence.

Fuck that...

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2016 14:34

He actually said he was looking forward to a tidy house? I can't imagine anyone saying that.

Despite that, this is what divorce was invented for. God knows why you love him - he's utterly selfish and cruel and inconsiderate.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?

Sparkletastic · 19/06/2016 14:34

I don't understand why you are letting him treat you like this? Is this all that you think you deserve in life? When did your expectations sink so low for yourself?

CitySnicker · 19/06/2016 14:34

For all the money he takes...you take the equivalent and put it on a personal savings account. This will be to spend on a solicitor when you are ready to leave.

HandyWoman · 19/06/2016 14:34

yy to 'death by a thousand cuts'

CommonBurdock · 19/06/2016 14:36

... easier to keep my head down and crack on".

No no nooooo one day you'll be cracking UP. Been there it's a truly awful place to be. I'd never tell anyone else what to do with their lives but this needs sorting pronto. By you.

HandyWoman · 19/06/2016 14:37

Hopefully, OP, one day (and one day soon) you'll lose your shit with this idiot and send him packing. I hope it's very very soon. I don't know how you can even look at him.

cinderallaswife · 19/06/2016 14:38

It's all in joint names the debt so yes I would have to pay half.

I guess I am desperate to please to get some love in return as it makes me feel better.

I think I need to take small steps to build myself up to be more confident.

There will be roast dinner tonight as the kids want it for Father's Day. I'm smiling to myself now as I have steam cleaned the lounge carpet and recorded the Grand Prix so he can come home and put his feet up after his meal. He will then usually get up and go to bed without saying good night ( usually just disappears and I think he's gone to the toilet).

I think I'm going to start to make a list of all the things I do! And perhaps suggest he might drive the kids to one of their activities and help out more.

I realise I will do anything to make him happy, at the expense of myself, because I love him. I never felt my parents loved me as a child so I guess that's where I went wrong!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/06/2016 14:39

I hate to say this, but he does it because you allow it.

It's Father's Day and he'll be home at 6pm and he is ,making demands for a today house and dinner. Seriously.

I'd make sure me and the kids were out when he gets home with thst nonsensical demand.

Nothing will change until you make it.

He sulked when you went away because he had to do everything for himself.

You are being a doormat and he treats you like a slave. Why do you love a man thst treats you like this? You need to start looking within yourself now because its all good for him.

Is there a reason you can't get a job?
Your kids are in school now. One in secondary and the other will be soon.

Start earning and do your own thing, including going on nights out and weekends away.

This will be your life unless you put your foot down and tackle it head on.

cinderallaswife · 19/06/2016 14:41

I have a full time job. It goes towards paying the debts and keeping us afloat.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/06/2016 14:44

I realise I will do anything to make him happy, at the expense of myself, because I love him. I never felt my parents loved me as a child so I guess that's where I went wrong!

The cycle will repeat itself with your children too.

You're showing thrm this is how a wife is treated and that it's acceptable.

You are being severely mistreated at a minimum and more likely being abused.

springydaffs · 19/06/2016 14:45

This is utterly tragic. No wonder he expects all this shit with you running about like a skivvy. It's too tragic.

Get into therapy. You aren't the first to come from an unloving home who goes on to worship a shit, grateful for the crumbs.

I have to bow out here op, my blood pressure can't take it. If you can't do something about this for yourself then please PLEASE do something about this for your kids.

TooMuchMNTime · 19/06/2016 14:46

he does it because you allow it
stop doing all the domestics
if he won't pitch in then you get a cleaner.

yes he will moan
this is his tactic
guess what - if you kick him out you will hear it a lot less.

CommonBurdock · 19/06/2016 14:47

Fucking hell you have married a 2016 version of my dad, right down to the type of sport being recorded on telly.

The trail of destruction left in his wake is indescribable. His second wife rewarded and enabled his behaviour (still does) was in turn rewarded with ... have a guess. Reaally cliched extramarital activity. And she wonders why.

Nice house thoWink

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/06/2016 14:48

What on earth is it about him that you find loveable? He doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about the children, he's only interested in his own comfort and enjoyment.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2016 14:49

So why does he get breaks and you don't when you have a full time job too?

You need to revise the budget and each put a portion of your salary towards the debt, so he doesn't think his money is his to spend anyhow.

Stop pleasing and get assertive cinders.

Your DH is mean and nasty.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/06/2016 14:50

I don't normally go into LTB mode, but seriously OP, you would be much better off if you did. You would have less work to do due to not having to look after this manchild, and you could actually force him to pay maintenance so that his money goes on his children and not on his toys.

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2016 14:50

You only have yourself to blame, OP. He's treating you like a complete idiot and you are encouraging it.

cinderallaswife · 19/06/2016 14:52

We have been together for 20 years so there won't be an overnight fix, but counselling is probably a good idea, but I will have to negotiate the time and the cost and I expect the debt card will be played.

I feel pressure to be perfect from my husband and my parents who have very high standards. My mum is coming to stay next weekend and will spend all her time cleaning and gardening instead of spending time with the kids.

My aunt says I am a one parent family and with 4 kids but she cannot offer support for reasons I can't disclose here.

OP posts:
Creatureofthenight · 19/06/2016 14:52

How nice for him to have his own personal maid.
You both work so you should both do housework and both look after your children.
I wish there was a magic wand to wave and give women like you a boost of self-esteem, but there isn't, so please believe me when I say you deserve better, and he needs to start pulling his weight.

gamerchick · 19/06/2016 14:53

I'm trying my best but I don't have much sympathy for you. Your being pleased you've been a good little wifey pretty much paid to any sympathy I could muster tbh.

You're working, you're doing it alone anyway. Tell him not to come back tonight or make plans to split up.

Or you can carry on and suck it up.

I can't put into words how I would react to looking forward to a nice tidy house and a cooked meal. I get a can't wait to see you and a huge hug and a kiss when he gets home.

plominoagain · 19/06/2016 14:54

What exactly is in any of this for you ? A quiet life ? You'd have a much quieter one without him . And one where you wouldn't be running about like a blue arsed fly on a Sunday afternoon . And as for recording the grand prix , well screw that . Record three hours of Homes under the hammer instead .

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2016 14:55

That is precisely why I asked you what you learnt about relationships when growing up. Your parents set the groundwork for you and not altogether surprisingly you have ended up being married to a selfish and self centred man. Familial dysfunction does go down the generations; you've been profoundly affected and your children are now absorbing the same damaging stuff that you did.

Re your comment:-
I realise I will do anything to make him happy, at the expense of myself, because I love him. I never felt my parents loved me as a child so I guess that's where I went wrong!

Do you see how sad that is?. Its more than sad, its just wrong. That was and is your life now. You were not loved (or valued) as a child and now you are not loved or valued as an adult.

People from dysfunctional families like your family of origin end up playing roles. Yours was likely this:-

"Placater" - "Mascot" - "Caretaker"

This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families 'social director' and/or clown, diverting the family's attention from the pain and anger. This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others.

Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don't know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often have case loads rather than friendships - and get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to "save" the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt that they work very hard to overcome by being really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) people"

You do anything to make him happy not because you love him but because you have no idea what love is. You are the consummate people pleaser and co-dependent. You were told and taught by your parents to put your own needs and wants last because you "do not matter". They never showed you love and you have no template therefore to work from. You were therefore an ideal target for someone like this man.

Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life; picking up after this person because you think that doing that makes him happy?. It does not make you happy does it; you are exhausted, cross with him (and your own self) and belittled.

No suggesting, tell him outright. He likely won't listen though to you because he does not value you or your contribution either.