AIBU to be fed up and jealous

[cinderallaswife]

My husband has a good job but the pay is not that great, we have a significant amount of debt, so money is tight but not impossible. The majority of the debt stems from toys my husband has treated himself too including boats and various cars.
I am feeling really low at the moment as my husband has just been on a week long business trip travelling first class and enjoying Michelin star food whilst staying in a lovely 5 star hotel. He came back from his trip and went straight out on a lads weekend without coming home. The kids are really missing him, especially today as he won't be home till late tonight.
Whilst he's been away I have run everything including walking the dog twice per day and working full time. I'm exhausted. When he arrives home he will expect a roast dinner and the house to be clean and tidy and his shirts etc ironed for the week.
All of this would be fine but, the last time we went out as a couple was 14 months ago for a drink at our local pub and the only meals out I get are when my parents take us out about twice a year to the local pub. I feel very depressed as my husband seems to have a great life whilst I am stuck at home saddled with debt which doesn't allow me to have fun. When he does arrive back tonight their will be washing to do, he will expect an 'early night' and I will be up at 6am to start the daily chores.
AIBU to be fed up and depressed or am I just jealous?

He is looking forward to a clean house and a cooked meal?? Serioulsy, tell him to fuck off!

You are not his maid. You are not there to do all the tidy up and the cleaning when you are working full time. His job might be stressful and whatever, it doesn't give him the right to treat you with such disrespect. Nor does it give him the right to ignore his own dcs and to not spend time with them. It doesn't allow his to do whatever he wants and get his 'toys' at the detriment of the whole family.

there is so much wrong about his sense of entitlement!

I agree with some PP saying, stop enabling his behaviour. He won't ;like it, he will scream, find reasons not to do it, probably sulk and make a huge thing about anything he might end up doing 'for you'
But the reality is, either youy can manage to cope with his attitude and 'force' his to change or you will grow more and more ressentful, mores tha. You are now and in a few years time, you will end up in a bitter divorce.

Ok, now you've had the insight that you are putting up with this crap in the hope he might love you, what next?

Are you happy to spend the rest of your life waiting for the crumbs he might throw you - just enough to keep you tied to him.

Sorry but he is taking advantage of you big time - he seems to think you are his housekeeper

• you both work full time but he gets me time and you don't
• you do all the home service while he swans in and demands a tidy home, cooked meals and ironing services
• his wants for "toys" take precedence over the family's financial stability
• he ditches you and the family to holiday (and spend your joint money) "with the boys" but his children cannot get a holiday because he has spent the money (and doesn't prioritize time with them)
• he gets to go on "jollies" that he wants and the "sulks" if you spend a few days with the children at your parents

He sounds like a toddler "wanting" everything his way - what do you and the children get out of this?

You need to plan to leave and you need to stop babying him at home - let him do his own ironing, go out with your friends and leave him to deal with the kids. Tell him that the kids are getting a holiday even if he has to cancel yet another jolly with the boys (take the money out of the account on payday)

Twenty years is a long time I grant you but you cannot and must not get bogged down in the sunken costs fallacy; that will simply enable you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Its hard as well changing the habits of a lifetime but your parents abuses you as a child and now not surprisingly you went onto marry someone with the same or similar personality types to them.

Who invited your mother to visit; I would cancel that forthwith or at the very least you are not present when she deigns to arrive. If she does spend most of her time gardening etc then really what is the point of her visit?

Counselling for your own self is a must do and asap as well. I would look at BACP (not the NHS) and get yourself into therapy pronto to start unravelling your past. It will be painful and hard but it will be worth doing.

He will likely not do counselling as he will think he has done nothing wrong here with regards to you.

Reading "Co-dependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie will be a small but significant step as well.

Think about why it's acceptable to you to be grateful for crumbs from this vile man's table. The man oh-so-worthy of love and respect who rewards you with so little. Actually, scrub that. He rewards you with absolutely nothing except debt for his own toys.

A family break to the coast for the weekend can't be afforded so he swans off with his chums without you instead. By blood is boiling!

You obviously don't have to do anything immediately. Not even in the short term. Have a think about how your life could be free of his breath-taking arrogance and selfishness. A man who uses his children in his abuse of you.

Think about putting an escape-plan together. You work, you are not short of options.

OP, something is very wrong here. I've read this thread with my mouth wide-open. You are being controlled, manipulated and bullied. And you seem to be frightened of this man because you are going along with his controlling, by doing what he wants you to do. I wonder what would happen if he came home and the house wasn't immaculate? Would he be spiteful and unkind and make you feel as if you had caused the problem? Yes, thought so. He's what we call a "wanker". What lesson is this giving your children that he calls the shots and you jump?

Let him come home to an untidy house and see what happens. My husband would never DARE to make such a comment to me. We both try and keep the house under some kind of control, but sometimes that doesn't work - it's just the reality of family life. We share out the meal-making and the household chores because they are his children, he eats the food and he lives here. And I can't see that he has paid for a live-in 24 hour house keeper so he has to do his bit. Sounds like your DH is not pulling his weight as either husband or father.

My neighbour is now going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage. In the early years her not-so DH was just like yours: trips away with boys, late home every night, expected the place to be ship-shape, left her with four young children, sulked if she did anything for herself, especially when she had one weekend away with her ante-natal mum friends etc. 20 years on she has had a nervous breakdown but has come out of that, confronted her marriage, decided to move forward without him and is now getting divorced. She stopped washing his shirts, tidying his house, being 100% on the childcare a few months ago. It has been hysterical watching his reaction. She is a different, and much happier woman and wishes she had done it years ago.

Please get a grip of the situation now, sit down with him and talk about the chores and the money and how you are doing to divvy things up so that life is fair for you both, especially if you are both working.

At your expense - ok, if you want to be a servant to him then do it at your expense. That's you choice.

But at the children's expense? They were promised holidays he then says they can't have but he'll still go. He's cruel to your children. Does he expect them to tip toe around him too? What are the consequences if they don't live up to impossible expectations with no rewards? They have no choice where they live and who they live with. They can't decide because dad is cruel they will up and leave. Only you and him have a choice about how they are brought up. He chooses to promise holidays and then take that away at the last moment whilst going himself. He chooses to make them suffer. What are you going to choose to do for them?

Totally agree, he's using you. I'd be looking for an exit plan .....

AttillatheMeerkat you have described me to a t. I do work in a caring profession and I do only have 'cases' not friends . I was actually thinking to myself the other day that I don't have a friend to have a laugh with.

Incidentally in case you are wondering I have the time to write this as my DD is mopping the ground floor of the house for me. I have just over heard her say ' I guess this is my life now '. I'm feeling ashamed.

And I've just realised what's even worse is whilst this is going on my DS is upstairs on his computer!

OP, something is very wrong here. I've read this thread with my mouth wide-open

Same here. I get the feeling that the scales need to fall from your eyes, OP, and fast because he sounds absolutely horrible to be married to.

Truly, don't let your kids see any more of this kind of behaviour. He sounds really, really unpleasant.

I'm saying this because you clearly love your dc and it's for them that you need to sort this out. You won't do it for yourself because you've been conditioned by your parents and dh to look after everyone else's needs bar your own. But your dc come first, not after your dh. If he can't be good to them then you have to protect them from his behaviour. You've taken them to your mums but the punishment was silent treatment, which they would have experienced too no doubt. He's a bully and he's bullying your children.

I've actually got the rage from reading this thread. It's pushed all the buttons from my childhood as so accurately described by Attila. Obviously 1970s shite parenting models are still alive and well in the 21st century. How totally depressing.

You posted this for a reason OP. You're getting great advice but only you can change this. The overgrown teenager that fathered your children needs to fucking grow up.

x post.

do not feel ashamed. His behaviour is not your fault.

Move forward. Keep that thought of your dd in the forefront of your mind: do you want this for her? Change it for her.

He's a cunt. You enable his behaviour. Your kids learn how to mistreat women and how women allow themselves to be mistreated.

OP if you break free of this life your only regret will be that you didn't do it years ago.

Leaving can only improve this situation
It is not half as bed it seems once you take the first steps

"AttillatheMeerkat you have described me to a t"

Thought so I am sad to say. I wrote that simply to show you that your upbringing at the hands of your parents was and remains dysfunctional. People from dysfunctional families do end up playing roles, those were the ones assigned to you and your own self worth is really through the floor. You were emotionally harmed by your parents as a child.

Your DDs comments are also sad beyond compare. Find it within yourself to change your life as well as that of your children's. Do not do your bit to condemn them further to a future life of such servitude at the hands of uncaring people.

You know this is wrong on some level otherwise you would never have posted.

Get your self esteem up. Show your daughter life is not about pleasing a man by cleaning a fucking floor. This is so so bad. I'm so angry for you right now.

He's just called to say he'll be home at 6 and is looking forward to a nice tidy house and his dinner.

Time you texted back with *Shame I wanted a husband who cared about his family and home. Instead I've got a selfish arse who only cares about himself. Your children wanted to spend father day with but YOU chose to be elsewhere.

There will be no roast, the house will be as tidy as it is now. I have neither the time or the inclination to wait on you with no respect from you.

Then delete the grand prix. Watch some thing you and the children want to watch together.

Time for you to reinstate your self as a member of the family rather then the being the family slave/maid.

Then let your daughter be your motivation to make a change - do you want her to live the kind of life you are living right now?

At least go for counselling by yourself so you can think about how to get out of this hole. YOur dcc will make their own choices as they get a few years older and then where will you be ? THey know what is being done to you and he knows what he is doing. YOu are waking up and need support to make the necessary moves. An easy first step is to make copies of his financial Incomings and outgoings . TAKE 1 step at a time and slowly you will see the path you want to take.

This story is absolutely tragic.

Surely all relationships should be based on splitting things fairly and equally?

A boys weekend for him, a girls weekend for you. Family trips come first, because then you all enjoy a break.

Me and my partner share everything. We enjoy treats together, and if we want to socialise with friends we take it in turns. I don't understand how a loving relationship can be anything other than this. For me it's an absolute minimum requirement???

Take the mop out of your daughter's hands now.

I hear you all, but I don't feel strong enough to act as it's easier to keep my head down and crack on

And your DD?

I agree with Lumpy. Get that mop out of her hands.

Please OP. Things have to change for your children's sakes.