something is wrong with my husband

[totalturmoil]

Had to nc for this as my last name was a massive giveaway. Do regularly post but not on this subject.
We've been married for 8 years and have 3 children. Baby born in Jan. For about 6 months my husband has been detached and quite remote. He has a very very high powered job. Earns vast amounts. Travels all the time. Always has done but before it felt like we were his priority even when he was away. Now it's like he has separated himself from us (me mostly). He says he feels misunderstood by me and not supported.
Long story short. I've really worked on myself, at improving things such as impatience and not listening properly etc. He is still so weird with me and really doesn't seem to love me. He agrees we need to see someone but doesn't actually do it. It's honestly as if he totally doesn't see how important our marriage is for the foundation of our lives, and has given up. I'm wondering if the work stress and lack of sleep and constant pressure has cracked him somehow and he is blaming it on our marriage rather than face up to it being his job...? Can I salvage this?

Magic paintbrush thank you. Well, thank you to everyone actually. But I do feel as though I need to try and see if we can work through it with the help of therapy both individually and together. This affair is a symptom not a cause (our issues arose way before this started, and I know the dates are pretty much right because it's connected with a deal they did together). So perhaps .... However I can't be naive or spineless in this. It's moment by moment right now. So it is good to hear from someone who did work through it and come out the other side. But I know it may not happen.... So confused.

One day at a time OP. You know what's right for you, your relationship and your family. I wish you all the best through these horrible times

I've been exactly where you are. Same circumstances, same script. It was foul. We tried (or I did) to salvage things but his heart wasn't in it and he was there in body but not spirit. I couldn't get past the lies - I also found out by accident, there was no confession or real remorse. He also felt unsupported (I was home with tiny dcs, one with health issues and no family support anywhere near)

I posted on mn, got great advice from any fucker and all (we're going back years now too!) got the best divorce lawyer I could, and a few years on life is pretty good. Divorcing a high earner makes things a lot easier - it bought me a few years at home with the dcs and I went back to work in my own time, on my own terms.

They're now married, he's still travelling the world and I wouldn't be surprised if history repeats itself.

Whirlygirly your message made me both v sad and reassured. Sad how it can turn out and reassured that divorce wouldn't be the end of the world. All the posts on here are extremely thoughtful and wise.
Currently we are on holiday with our children. It has been planned for a while, and in discussions together with my therapist, we decided to go for the children at least. The rule is no discussing it at all during the day, and each evening we have a half hour timed slot to say anything we want on our own. So far it's worked well as it makes everything feel pretty normal and even fun, and it really helps me to know I have a time each day when I say everything in my head.
We've also had sex. Not his instigation particularly, just happened. First time in a long time and feels good.... Hard to tell where we are really. I feel weirdly empowered knowing he's been doing this as it tells me that I am NOT in the wrong.

Try not to get sucked in to hysterical bonding. It kind of messes with your head. Good luck OP. Really hope things do work out for you - whichever way that may be.

The sex afterwards is common, google Hysterical Bonding, there is a lot of information about it. The key thing is to not put too much emphasis on it and what it means for your relationship. I went through it and I thought that it meant that we were working things out, but a few days later I absolutely crashed so do be careful and kind to yourself.