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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

something is wrong with my husband

131 replies

totalturmoil · 18/06/2016 16:29

Had to nc for this as my last name was a massive giveaway. Do regularly post but not on this subject.
We've been married for 8 years and have 3 children. Baby born in Jan. For about 6 months my husband has been detached and quite remote. He has a very very high powered job. Earns vast amounts. Travels all the time. Always has done but before it felt like we were his priority even when he was away. Now it's like he has separated himself from us (me mostly). He says he feels misunderstood by me and not supported.
Long story short. I've really worked on myself, at improving things such as impatience and not listening properly etc. He is still so weird with me and really doesn't seem to love me. He agrees we need to see someone but doesn't actually do it. It's honestly as if he totally doesn't see how important our marriage is for the foundation of our lives, and has given up. I'm wondering if the work stress and lack of sleep and constant pressure has cracked him somehow and he is blaming it on our marriage rather than face up to it being his job...? Can I salvage this?

OP posts:
pallasathena · 11/08/2016 08:21

This is your chance to re-negotiate the rules of engagement. You need him to sort out his work/life balance and begin to prioritise family life. It can't work otherwise. Tell him you want to sort things out but not at any price, you have to retain some dignity, some sense of this all being worthwhile to try and salvage.
And you need to be strong. Good luck o/p. Its hard and its difficult but at least you know now and can plan a future either with him or without.

notapizzaeater · 11/08/2016 08:22

He's the one in the wrong, he's the one checked out.

TheHobbitMum · 11/08/2016 08:25

So sorry Total Flowers

timelytess · 11/08/2016 08:29

Listen very carefully.
He's stalling for time.
Go right away, today, to the best divorce lawyer you can get and screw the bugger for every penny.
He 'wants to work on this' so he can protect his assets before shaking you off.
You are in pain, you'll be scared, but go to automatic pilot and do everything you have to do to protect yours and your children's interests.
Get legal and financial advice urgently.
If you have to speak to him (and not doing is a positive option) make it absolutely clear you do not condone his behaviour, you do not accept blame for it, and you are not swayed by his 'remorse' (even if you are. Because you'll get over it).
Been there. Been financially screwed over. Get help now.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 11/08/2016 08:30

Denial & minimising are just the next steps. You'll hear all about how lonely he felt, how preoccupied you were or whatever - it'll be down to YOU not meeting his needs blah blah.

If it's not physical I'll eat my socks. Sorry, but it's just all part of the 'only admit to what you know she knows.

In itself it's irrelevant really, however, whilst he's still lying to you there's NO WAY you can make it work.

It seldom works after an affair, unless it's just the (usually) betrayed woman sucking it up. Very occasionally couples me through it feeling stronger & happier, but ONLY if there is GENUINE remorse & understanding that it's solely the 'fault' of the person that cheated. Yes the marriage might have been breaking down, yes the other person might have contributed to that, but the affair s ONLY diwn to the oerson that had it. End of. Until the cheat gets to that pkace in their own head and stops blaming their partner, it's not possible to make the marriage a happy one again.

I tried, I really, really tried - but it was pre MN & I didn't understand so much that I do now. I'd never put myself through that again, it's hell on earth, it really is. No matter how much you love hm, no matter how much you want to trust him you'll turn yourself inside out worrying when he's on his phone, working away, running late, moody etc. I'm not trying to upset you, but I wish to hell I'd understood this before I accepted his tears & pleading to 'make it work' - which basically meant accepting it had happened but it was all over now, that 'they' would just be friends (over my fucking dead body) and the stupid fuck actually said one day 'I don't want to talk about it anymore, I just want to 'put it to bed'. Well, let's just say it's a phrase he's probably never uttered since.

You know he's still lying. I'd tell him to pack a bag and go. Don't be afraid to tell people the truth. I understand it feels humiliating, it shoukdnt, but it does. However, the sooner we all stop blaming ourselves for our partners having affairs & stop feeling that it's us that's inadequate the better and the best way to do this is fake it until you make. Tell people he's a stupid weak man who had an affair & now appreciates what he's just lost.

Be strong. You can do this.

If he's genuinely remorseful & genuinely wants to rebuild your marriage you can still do that, but you need him to move out first. It's hard, I know, you just want to cling ont what you have left & not risk it, but you really, really can't if you want it to work.

BastardGoDarkly · 11/08/2016 08:31

Oh fuck sake op, I'm sorry.

I agree that he'll be minimising to the max right now (they're all so fucking predictable)

Take time, how's your rl support?

RedMapleLeaf · 11/08/2016 08:33

I agree with others suggesting you get some time and space. This may mean him moving out or you going to stay with someone supportive. Either way it can really, really help to have some room to think.

Secondly, if you decide you want to try to get past the betrayal I think that the onus has to be on him. Ask him what he is going to do to regain your trust.

Finally, please don't think in terms of keeping your old relationship, or getting your old husband back. Whatever happens this will be a new relationship and you'll have a more real version of your husband. Unfortunately he's a man who has cheated on you, lied to you and blamed you. I would rather be single than choose a man like that, let alone have the chance for a new relationship with a more true man.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 11/08/2016 08:38

I'm so sorry. Xxx

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

totalturmoil · 11/08/2016 08:48

Yes he is working with her.
Oh god I don't know.
A lot of wise and clever advice.
Feel so fucking sick and sad and everything. I utterly believed in him.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 11/08/2016 08:51

Oh god I don't know.

It's going to take a while for you to reach some kind of clarity Flowers You really need to focus on your health for now. Eat. Get out for a walk daily. Confide in at least one person in real life.

TheWindInThePillows · 11/08/2016 08:54

total you thought you had a deal- he works hard, brings in the money, is emotionally supportive and loving, and you had three children to bring up and run the household (and work if I read you correctly)- he's broken the deal.

I'd kick him out now, if only to give yourself some breathing space, to decide what to do.

Of course he's going to be sorry now he's caught, but remember if you hadn't caught him, he'd just be continuing on now, having the affair behind your back right this second whilst you tied yourself into knots trying to find out what was wrong and wondering if he was depressed and feeling worried for him...

He's bailed on you, he needs to know he's a crap life partner, because he IS.

HerOtherHalf · 11/08/2016 08:54

How terrible for you. Sadly, my advice is you cannot afford the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself or clinging onto the hope that you might be able to salvage the marriage. Your situation as a mother who is almost 100% financially dependent on your husband puts you at very high risk if you don't fight tooth and nail to ensure you get the best settlement you can. Don't let him stall for time. Don't let him dictate how it's going to be, no matter how much sugar coating he puts on it. Don't let him continue to use the house as his home when he's not away travelling. Don't allow the fear of change, or worrying how you'll cope on your own, sway you from standing up for yourself and your kids. Get a good lawyer and set them on it right now. I've seen this script played a good few times and the women who allow their H to set the pace because they cling onto hope, or are too soft for whatever reason, always get screwed in the end.

MardyGrave · 11/08/2016 08:55

What was the nature of the messages? Do you believe it has been physical?

siapo · 11/08/2016 08:55

Stop believing him. You only discovered this by accident, not because he decided to be honest. Lying to you is his normal.

RedMapleLeaf · 11/08/2016 08:56

Also, be prepared that you will find out more. You're probably going to find that he's not told you everything, and that there's more to find out. Also, your brain will start to make more connections, you'll suddenly think of lots of little betrayals and realisations. This is horrible when it pops in to your head when you're least expecting it Sad

bobbinpop · 11/08/2016 09:01

Just posting to say I'm sorry for how utterly awful you must feel. Plus you have a baby and tiny DC to care for while you feel so bad:(
You will get through this, use as much support as you can to give yourself a breather and breaks for the next few weeks. If he's earning lots, use the money and get someone in to help.

chosenone · 11/08/2016 09:06

Yes, the betrayl of trust is sickening. He will have compartmentalised this in his own head. You in one box and her in another. However, you knew something was wrong with HIM from Jan. How is he rewriting that? It's usually self justification that makes someone distance themselves from their partner. What was he secretly planning then?
You are holding all the cards here and you can decide what happens next. Explain that you are going to seek solicitors advise (which you should) and that you and the DC will very probably keep the home whilst he pays maintenence etc.
Let the anger and pain in and do anythi g you can to cope, chocolate, wine, have friends round. But do not rush things back to normality, let him see the pain and destruction he has caused.

Solasum · 11/08/2016 09:06

Sorry to bring it up OP, but you should go and get tested for STDs. It will not just be emotional, and you need to make sure you haven't caught something.

Doublemint · 11/08/2016 09:09

What a bastard. I echo what pp have said. Get yourself a shl this week/today.

Don't believe a word that comes out his mouth l. If you hadn't stumbled across the iPad messages he would have told you nothing at all. If he's been acting weird for five months and he's been working away for periods during that time then I really doubt it's just an "emotional" although I think that's bad enough. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 11/08/2016 09:10

First the blaming you, you aren't supportive, poor me - tick
Then the detaching - tick
Then the denial - tick
Now the minimizing will commence - tick
It was only emotional - bollox
OK we only kissed - bollox
OK we passionately kissed and had a fumble - bollox
OK she only gave me a blow job - bollox
OK we only did it once - bollox
OK it was a full blown affair - now we are getting somewhere closer to the truth.
Sorry but this is the script and he will follow it.
Guaranteed. You can tell from earlier in the thread that so many of us have been there and got the t-shirt.
So you have hind-site already.

Get practical. You may want to save your marriage. Hell we all do at first.
But get to a solicitor and find out where you stand.
Once you know that you can then decide what you want to do.

Take your time. That's a good bit of advice.
No knee-jerk reactions.
This is a shock to you. He's already well ahead of you.
YOU need time for all this to sink in before you can make any life changing decisions.

For now, you should ask him to leave. Even if it's just for 2 weeks.

Just so you can get your head clear of him for now.
If he's in your space you won't have the time and space with him out of the way to make your decisions.
If he respects you and wants to save this then he will do as you ask him.

Definitely try to get some real life support.
You WILL need this.
My biggest regret is not confiding is someone. Keeping his dirty secret is not up to you. You owe him nothing.
Even if it's just an understanding friend for now. Even just one person can help unload your burden.
You NEED support right now so make sure you get it.
The relief when I finally told people was immense.
Don't keep this bottled up, get it out there.

I'll say it again - take your time!!!

Look after yourself. It's so easy to let it all slide.
You will get dehydrated and you will need your strength.
The shock will hit you and you will need your sugar levels to be up.
I couldn't eat anything solid for ages but sugary tea and ice lollies got me through the first few weeks.

This is now your decision.

Get him away from you.
Think things through.
Then decide what is best for YOU!! Yes YOU!!

Flowers for you at this horrible time.

Oh... and get to your local GUM clinic and get a STD check up.

AskBasil · 11/08/2016 09:22

Please do your utmost to protect yourself financially.

Don't be afraid to find out where you stand and immediately put blocks on any capacity he has to hide assets.

It's not going to damage your marriage: if there's any chance of saving it at all, then you can stop all the financial self-protection as that becomes safe and no harm done. If he's got any decency whatsoever, he will understand the necessity for you to do this and he won't blame you.

But if it becomes clear that you can't save this marriage (or you realise you don't want to) you will be really glad that you followed the advice of the posters who are telling you to go into auto-pilot self protection mode. If you find this difficult (and you will) keep telling yourself that this is for the long term welfare of you and your children. They will likely be poor if you don't do this. Protect them. Put them first. The standard of living they have in their childhood is at stake here. Keep telling yourself that when you feel forgiving or optimistic, when he promises a new start etc., never forget that the bottom line is that your children's future comes first, everything else second.

Petal40 · 11/08/2016 09:27

People on,y treat you how you let them...id say he's having an affair,from reading yr post..although I've not read the whole thread

ravenmum · 11/08/2016 09:29

People having affairs really are so stupidly predictable.

My ex started sleeping with his OW in the April (they met in the Feb.) and it was around July that he started getting noticeably distant and cold, and blaming me, saying I wasn't supportive, following the Script to the letter just like yours. I think the coldness comes when they start to think of it not just as a brief affair, but as a possible serious relationship. My impression only, but I'd also suggest a trip to the STD clinic, sorry.

ishallconquerthat · 11/08/2016 09:31

YOU have a baby and 2 children, and HE feels unsupported??? Poor him.

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