something is wrong with my husband

[totalturmoil]

Had to nc for this as my last name was a massive giveaway. Do regularly post but not on this subject.
We've been married for 8 years and have 3 children. Baby born in Jan. For about 6 months my husband has been detached and quite remote. He has a very very high powered job. Earns vast amounts. Travels all the time. Always has done but before it felt like we were his priority even when he was away. Now it's like he has separated himself from us (me mostly). He says he feels misunderstood by me and not supported.
Long story short. I've really worked on myself, at improving things such as impatience and not listening properly etc. He is still so weird with me and really doesn't seem to love me. He agrees we need to see someone but doesn't actually do it. It's honestly as if he totally doesn't see how important our marriage is for the foundation of our lives, and has given up. I'm wondering if the work stress and lack of sleep and constant pressure has cracked him somehow and he is blaming it on our marriage rather than face up to it being his job...? Can I salvage this?

Oh no. Bloody hell.

I'm so sorry. Have you thought about what you are going to do? I know it's early days yet, but you do need to protect yourself and your children.

So Sorry its such a shitty thing to happen
Xxx

What. An. Asshole.

I'm so sorry,

Just seen your OP and it screamed affair to me, setting you up to fail is the first thing they do.

See a lawyer asap, so this man who earns vast amounts cant screw you over.

So sorry to hear this total, look after yourself and your DC

How are you holding up? {{Hugs}}

If you want to offload were still here for you, but if not that's fine too

Bloody predictive text. That should've said "we're still here...." not were.

Oh, total :( It's such a knife to the gut, isn't it - there you are, recovering from a birth, nursing a new baby & taking care of the other children, being supportive and caring, offering to go to counselling, even changing your personality at his request! Doing all this with utmost care; being brave & hopeful without emotional support.

And bam. It wasn't about you at all. Such cruelty.

Is he still coming home between trips? How are you holding up? I hope there are good people round you.

So sorry. I didn't want it to be that

Hand hold

Hope you are okay OP

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you have support IRL. There is lots of support here for you either way.

What a complete arse. It really gives me the rage!!

Really sorry to hear that - it's so rare for it to be anything else though :(

Plenty of support to be had on this board if you need it xx

Do you have family support?
Don't be afraid to tell them what's happening, don't try to protect their good image of your husband, you need their support.

Morning, thank you for such kindness.
I found out last night because an iPad we use for the children on long journeys became connected to his iMessage when he updated it last week.
After 2 min denial he admitted it. He also said it's an emotional affair and hasn't (yet) been physical... I think emotional is worse anyway.
I just don't know where to go from here. He wants to make this (us) work.
So do I in a way. But I also don't want that to be perceived as permissiveness. But I fear that even if I want to deal with it together and move on ( in a very equal and firm standing as opposed to me being some weakling just letting him 'get away' with it), I am not sure I can ever stop being angry and hurt and furious.
Since March he says.

It started in January as you said that is when he became distant. Believe nothing he tells you as he will tell you the minimum he can get away with. Is he working with her?

He is quite possibly lying about it being just an emotional affair. Cheats generally minimise as much as possible if they think they can get away with it.
He might also be lying when saying he wants to work it out with you (could be delaying strategy to get his ducks in a row).
Suggest you find and get copies of all financial information and store out of the house and get legal advice on your rights etc.
Basically be prepared if worst comes to worst. Don't tell him what you are doing though.
Make sure he cannot access any of your online stuff, emails, log ins (for this site etc).
Wishing you all the best but imho it is better to be prepared.

I very much doubt it's not physical, sorry.

They start off saying its "just" emotional. Have you got full access to his phone/ computer/ messages /email? He needs to be bending over backwards to regain your trust if he really want to make it work with you

Please don't be shocked by some of the advice OP, so many of these excellent posters have been where you are now and know the ropes.

Your husband has already proved to be highly predictable, his actions now will probably be much the same.

Get a lawyer and plan everything on a practical level, basically get the financials sorted.

Hugs you poor thing. What a predictable, classic bastard. This is not your fault! Do not let him in anyway blame you because no doubt he'll admit to. I would be very uninclined to believe it was just emotional as he outright lied when you asked if he was having an affair.

Really sorry to hear. I was about to suggest depression as well, before I saw your update.

Even though it's 'only' an emotional affair, he seems to have contemplated taking it further.

Really sorry for you. Stay strong for you and your dcs.

(Dh left his phone out last night. I don't suspect him off anything, but after reading too many mn's relationship threads, decide to have a good nose around. Couldn't find anything suspicious (phew) but did discover that his phone lists everything I view on the iPad. Not sure if I like that).

OP, so many of us have been in your shoes. Way too many of us.

First things first. You need time. How much? As long as it takes. If he really wants to save his marriage he should respect your need to take time to process this. Would he move out to allow you time to think it all through? You will go through a vast array of emotions over the next couple of weeks, accept that and go through them. Look after yourself and tell people in RL, or just one close friend, it is crucial that you don't cover for him. When the dust has settled, you'll be able to plan the next step. You can't go from finding out one day, to trying to fix it the next because emotionally and mentally you need time to process it all.

Make sure you keep the title of your thread in your head.

Something is wrong with HIM. Not you. Don't you ever let him try and blame you for this.

He chose it. Numbnuts that he is.