something is wrong with my husband

[totalturmoil]

Had to nc for this as my last name was a massive giveaway. Do regularly post but not on this subject.
We've been married for 8 years and have 3 children. Baby born in Jan. For about 6 months my husband has been detached and quite remote. He has a very very high powered job. Earns vast amounts. Travels all the time. Always has done but before it felt like we were his priority even when he was away. Now it's like he has separated himself from us (me mostly). He says he feels misunderstood by me and not supported.
Long story short. I've really worked on myself, at improving things such as impatience and not listening properly etc. He is still so weird with me and really doesn't seem to love me. He agrees we need to see someone but doesn't actually do it. It's honestly as if he totally doesn't see how important our marriage is for the foundation of our lives, and has given up. I'm wondering if the work stress and lack of sleep and constant pressure has cracked him somehow and he is blaming it on our marriage rather than face up to it being his job...? Can I salvage this?

And agree with hellsbells that talking about it helps. Though in my case I felt better telling a counsellor about it in more detail, as I guess my friends were not close enough to want to listen to my bitter rants!

Petal please RTFT before posting. The OP has confirmed that he is having an affair.

How are your finances set up? Do you have any accounts that he can't access ie suddenly clean out?

If not, can you get access to enough to live on for about 6 months and put it in an account in your name. (And not tell him which bank.)

Afterwards you can tell him what you have done and that much as you don't want to believe that he would take all the money and leave you and your children unable to buy food, yesterday you did not believe he would be unfaithful.

Affairs happen it doesn't mean it is the end unless you want it to be.
Infatuation happens. If you want to fight and try and make it work so do. Go to counselling do what ever.

HOWEVER in parallel do what has been suggested, work out where the money is, try and get some money behind you personally. Remember you are also entitled to a portion of his pension which sounds like it might be substantial as well as all the other stuff.

Don't get angry get even!
Good luck - he has so much to lose, a beautiful family for what a cock suck!

Op please read back your posts. You say at the beginning he doesn't think he can make the relationship work, now he's caught out he's saying "he wants to make it work" he's been caught out before he was ready and is stalling for time!! (to sort out finances etc) Listen to the pps about sorting your finances, but also take care of yourself.

Sadly the vast majority of advice you will get on here is from people who have been through the exact same thing, me included so please don't think I'm being rude when I say you probably don't know the full extent. Maybe it is just an EA but the coldness he's been showing towards you shows me he's not interested in saving your marriage. You've just had a baby, I hope there's someone looking after you, you deserve so much better. Well done for trying to 'improve yourself' and with the counselling, it's unfortunate it wasn't reciprocated.

I agree with everyone who said he's minimising.Its highly unlikely they have not got physical.

I know a fear is 'driving him into her arms' if you ask him to leave but if that happens he had already made the choice.

Some work cultures change people.They flatter egos and define work over family as the most important thing in life.

If he has changed (and sounds as if he has) then you can't make him value you and family.

I'm so sorry, have seen it happen often, mostly with high flyers, as they develop entitlement and lack of empathy for their partners.

He's stalling, so that he can get his "ducks in a row". He knows that you could take him to the cleaners and is doing whatever he can to make sure the doesn't happen. I bet he has spoken to his accountant and solicitor already. Money and assets will be hidden.

Where do you keep all the financial paperwork? Have you got easy access to it?

I suspect January was when his attention switched elsewhere, and March was when it became 'at thing'.

I'd doubt it wasn't physical though.

What a bastard. They always blame the wife for their distance when they start an affair. It's so cruel.

So much good advice OP. I just wanted to say you poor thing and what an absolute cunt twat he is for doing this when you have a baby

Emotional affair my arse - not for 5 months. And it will be longer than that. Always add time onto whatever they tell you

You caught him out unexpectedly - sounds more likely to me that the stalling is a knee-jerk reaction rather than anything premeditated or cunning. He too is now faced with a big decision that he wasn't expecting to have to make (or at least not quite so quickly, in his case).

I agree that it is a good idea to make copies of your paperwork, as he could take them and leave as my ex did. But my ex has not left us to starve, as he has his reputation to think of among his family and friends, and at work.

And if it does ever get so far that you claim your share of the assets accumulated during marriage, that is not taking him to the cleaner's. That is sharing out your joint assets, and is accepted legal practice.

Such amazing advice on here. I agree the truth will come out in drips and drabs, usually only if you already have proof or are about to find out anyway (eg a conversation with OW).

I'm really glad you found out now and weren't kept wondering for months or even years longer than you already were. Hope you can find a sympathetic friend to lean on.

Firstly,.
OP, this is MN at it's best. You have been given such great advice, which will be overwhelming and difficult to process when you are in such a devastated place.
I too have had the 'script' played on me.
I am afraid this man you thought you knew does have a side you simply will not recognise at first and it will repulse you.
He has 'checked out' emotionally.
He will definitely be protecting his assets and lying/minimising every step of the way.
It has been physical. Sorry.
Please protect yourself and your children by not exposing yourself to his harmful bullshit (which it will be. Bullshit. He has lied to you continuously for AT LEAST 8 months) whilst you have turned yourself inside out trying to second guess the problem and make things work.
See a lawyer. Husband needs to leave to give you some headspace. Draw as much support as you can from RL friends and family.
You WILL get through this, as difficult as it is to believe, and you will be peaceful and happy again. But for now, just concentrate on the practical stuff. Good luck x

You definitely need some head space to consider what you want to do. Ignore what he says he wants to do, remember he's a liar, he lied about the affair when you first asked him and then tried to lie again. If he wanted to make your marriage work he would have ended the affair instead of waiting to be found out. After he lied the first time he still didn't try to end it even though he knew you were suspicious. I know you say you want to make it work but would you ever totally trust him when he was away? And it sounds like he's away a lot. Good luck with your decision, hopefully the advice on this thread will help you.

Yes he is working with her.
Oh god I don't know.
A lot of wise and clever advice.
Feel so fucking sick and sad and everything. I utterly believed in him.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, exh promised me everything would be fine and I believed him, lots of good advice about finances and legal advice on here,
I hesitated as I wanted to believe him and he emptied all the accounts and left me penniless, I know your devastated but you need to act now to protect yourself and the children.

I utterly believed in him
Of course you did.
He's your DH and you loved and trusted him.
Unfortunately you now know NOT to trust him or a word he says.
As others have said, get yourself to a SHL (shit hot lawyer) and make sure he doesn't hide, pensions, savings, assets, etc....
This man is no longer your friend or on your side (not at the moment anyway)
Protect yourself and your DC.
My ExH moved to another country.
I was all understanding and let him have money to set up etc...
A few months on I got nothing.
Literally nothing, not a penny.
I had to do everything on my own.
They give the spiel about being fair and always there for DC etc...
Some of the time that BS.
So be prepared.

Ask any questions on here.
So many of us have been there and can advise from experience.

One thing I learned was that you can't end an affair for them. It has to come from them, because it's no longer what they want. When you discover an affair, you'll get promises, but the affair isn't over.

You picked up that things weren't right six months ago, so that's when it will have started. He feels unsupported by you because there's another woman who's worshipping the ground he walks on - he is comparing her reaction to him to yours.

Odd that you write the same thing twice.

If he works away a lot then I think it is unlikely to have been 'just' an emotional affair.

Red What do you mean?

total, it's probably been mentioned up-thread, but even though you're reeling you really do need to see a solicitor. I doesn't mean you have to actually do anything, it's just that you need to be educated as to your position and what you can expect.

Unfortunately, I agree with a PP who said he's just buying time. He probably thought he'd be able to 'run with the hares and hunt with the hounds' and your discovery has messed up those plans!

Right now, you can't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. Not "I'm done with our marriage", not "I want to work on it". He'll say whatever he needs to say to make it the easiest for him. You need to think about what you want, and only what you want.

Is there anyone you can speak to in RL? You don't have to tell everyone. Just one trustworthy person you can confide in. And would it help you to take the children and go away for a few days?

Dear OP, how closely do they work together and is the affair still ongoing?
Do you know her?

I am sorry for your pain.

I'm so sorry OP. I know exactly how you feel because this has also happened to me. The only difference being that my DH came and confessed that he had met somebody else.

He was cold and distant for a couple of months prior, barely registered that I was in the room, didn't seem to 'see' me really, wasn't loving as he had been before. I knew something was wrong long before he told me, I just wasn't certain what it was. He came up to me in the kitchen one morning when I was making breakfast and said these exact words to me "I think I'm in love with somebody else", I will never forget that moment as long as I live. It turned out he was having an 'emotional affair' with a woman at work. I remember saying "I thought you were different, one of the good guys, but you are just the same as all the rest of them", and him looking utterly ashamed and replying "So did I." I took my DD and went to stay with my parents for a few days, it was absolute hell. We spoke on the phone, I questioned him about what had gone on between them, he swore they hadn't slept together. I asked if they had kissed, he said no - but he hesitated before he answered, so I think that was a lie. He also revealed that she was expecting him to leave me for her, which also makes me seriously doubt that nothing had gone on between them physically, otherwise why would she think that?? The thing about it all was he was stressed at work, we had just moved house, we had a toddler, and he was already in a really dark place before she came along, I believe he was depressed (it runs in his family). I think the OW was a symptom of how he was already feeling, not the cause. After a truly hellish year of trying to get back on track with our marriage (and during which I came so very very close to walking out on him) he started to get back to his old self, she was history, he got a job elsewhere, and now 5 years later we are absolutely fine. I was eventually able to forgive and my trust for him returned, I felt I knew him better afterwards than I had before (the bad and the good), however - I will never never forget. And I'm not sure I will ever forgive something he said at the time which was that he "couldn't think about me and my feelings until he had sorted himself out first". It's amazing we are still together after it all tbh. But 2011 will go down as the worst year of my life without question, and it was my DH who put me there.

I truly understand how you are feeling OP. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Whatever course of action you decide upon here (and you are the only one who can make that choice whether to stay or go), you WILL get through it and come out the other side stronger, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Put yourself and your children first. And in the meantime surround yourself with lots of support, IRL and on MN, whatever helps you. x x

Sorry Red I see what you mean.