something is wrong with my husband

[totalturmoil]

Had to nc for this as my last name was a massive giveaway. Do regularly post but not on this subject.
We've been married for 8 years and have 3 children. Baby born in Jan. For about 6 months my husband has been detached and quite remote. He has a very very high powered job. Earns vast amounts. Travels all the time. Always has done but before it felt like we were his priority even when he was away. Now it's like he has separated himself from us (me mostly). He says he feels misunderstood by me and not supported.
Long story short. I've really worked on myself, at improving things such as impatience and not listening properly etc. He is still so weird with me and really doesn't seem to love me. He agrees we need to see someone but doesn't actually do it. It's honestly as if he totally doesn't see how important our marriage is for the foundation of our lives, and has given up. I'm wondering if the work stress and lack of sleep and constant pressure has cracked him somehow and he is blaming it on our marriage rather than face up to it being his job...? Can I salvage this?

Not necessarily an affair.

Could his work be consuming him OP? Has anything happened (eg. new boss/new targets/new investors) that has re-focussed him on his work and made him feel that this is a crucial time and he has to give it his all. Is there a chance he could have over-focussed on how important his work is to your family future, etc? I know several workaholics who genuinely believe hard work = caring about their families.

See a counsellor.

Another one thinking it is likely an affair. The detaching, not listening, blaming you, pretty classic.

It's horrible.

Identical to my experience. He was having an affair. It is depressingly common among men who earn a lot and travel a lot. Money makes them attractive to a certain type and travel gives them the opportunity.

I am so grateful for your comments and kindness.
He has always been very kind, very loving and respectful. This detached uncaring thing is new and out of the blue.
Finances have never been an issue as in he brings in everything pretty much (My salary pays the childcare for when I'm at work only), and doesn't question what I spend on house and children and treats etc.
he says that over the years he's never questioned it when I am irritable or unreasonable or demanding. This is true. I'm a nice person etc (!) but also quite highly strung. He's always had acres of patience. He says something snapped in him and now he has no tolerance at all. That's why I decided to address these things. He didn't ask me to. In fact he doesn't seem hopeful we can get our magic back.
We went to see a counsellor once. Booked another appt and he cancelled for work trip. This happened twice. He just doesn't feel the urgency as it were.
Affair.... I really doubt it. Mostly because he simply has no time. But I think he would if he could, to gain the support he thinks he doesn't have.
But he DOES have s o much support and love from me. He says me complaining about his travel (4 nights a week usually) means I'm not empathising and supporting. But I just want a hug and "I know it's shit, I'll miss you too"...

I'm not discounting affair.
But I do think his OBSESSION with his career has done something to him. He thinks his job is the most important thing in our lives.
Affair tho... I asked him and he said no. He's always been very honest. But there is a part of me that wonders.

There are other relationship issues than affairs.

He thinks his job is the most important thing in our lives

But the question is, what's changed and why is he different now? If there's a work reason, then probably it is work not the affair. If it's just the same job then, yeah, maybe something else has changed.

OTOH, he may find having 3 DC overwhelming and be detaching to get out of childcare.

It sounds like you have tried to address any issues and have a positive attitude.

Call him on it, tell him that you don't want to live like this. Ask him if he wants to fix the relationship, or move on.

No time for an affair! You are delusional! He travels for work. That gives him bucket loads of time to have an affair. Or have quality time with the locals. It is the easiest way to play away.

Also, sadly common amongst frequent fliers from what I see. Thus you get "normalisation" of affairs from seeing colleagues do it and get away with it.

How does his travel work? Who goes? Different people each time? Different places every time?

It's a horrible thought. But sometimes the most likely explanation is the right one.

Time can always be found; I would've said the same thing. Maybe projecting, but when I posted on here about a similar issue the affair callers were right. In a way, I was pleased that there was an explanation and I wasn't mad.

Sorry OP but sounds like he could be having an affair. Men who travels a lot for work find it easy to have affairs. Do u know where he is? Where he is staying? Is someone sharing the room with him? It's common place in the city especially. Doesn't mean he is going to break up with u. I hope u guys work it out.

How do you know 3 days isn't work and one day with an OW? He's not going to admit to an affair when asked - that's not what cheaters do.

He doesn't think things can be fixed and has no reason for why he feels this way, pretty much leaving it to you. He doesn't seem bothered about the marriage.

Other possibilities are he may be depressed which can bring on a don't care attitude.

Do you do enjoyable family things when he's home?

Are you able to get alone time with him? Intimacy? Does he want it like he previously did or less so?

Well you were all right in the end. Devastated.

Did you find out more information?

Oh shit. I hate it when they are all right

So sorry OP, I'm guessing that means he's had/having an affair.

Do you have RL support?

Oh honey sorry sending hugs xxx

Bloody hell turmoil, hope you're OK

Oh no .. I was just reading this thread and hoped for a better update !

Bastard! Big hugs to you.

Wanker. Hope you're ok

Followed the script. Sorry.

Sadly, we are seldom wrong 🙁 Not because we are amazingly clairvoyant, but because they're so utterly fucking predictable.

How did you find out & how long has it been going on for?

(((Hugs)))). I know it seems unlikely right now, but you will be ok, promise x

So sorry. What an arse.

Sigh

Keep posting. So many here have been through this, including me fucking buggering bastards